Relationship with shift worker/police

[Annie12901273]

Hi,

I have been with my DP for a good few years now. A few years ago he decided to join the police and after a looong recruitment process he has been in now for about 3 years.

It has just changed him completely as a person. He is completely obsessed with work. His colleagues all seem to be the same. I am talking they whatsapp each other from morning to night every single day including work days and rest days. I have seen the group chats so it is definitely them he is texting.

Even during lockdown when you couldn't even see your own parents they were meeting up outside of work because despite spending all day together it wasn't enough!

Nothing at home is interesting for him anymore- all he wants to talk about is work- to me, to friends and to family.

Its like he finds me incredibly boring and our normal life at home boring because he loves his work life so much.

He has also changed in his personality. His ego is massive and he can be quite aggressive. If I say something to him he will throw things or will shout and there are times- not very often- that I will be scared of him. He was never like this before.

He isn't interested in helping with the house or with the kids and its like that is beneath him now because he has this big job.
I am the main earer by far in our house but I have never thought this made me better but I just don't feel like he sees me as an equal now.

I know we hear about affairs in the police all the time and I don't think that is what is happening here but I can see how it happens because it is genuinely in his eyes like people in the police are better than everyone else.

When he has days off its like he can't switch out of work mode and doesn't like that he doesn't have that power at home too.

There is also the hours that mean I am alone most of the time because the shifts are long and he chooses to go in early/stay late most days- I know that isn't always his choice.

Is this just how it is being in a relationship with a police officer or is this because it is fairly new and i need to give him time to settle in?

Any police officers or partners of have any advice on this?

He has also changed in his personality. His ego is massive and he can be quite aggressive. If I say something to him he will throw things or will shout and there are times- not very often- that I will be scared of him. He was never like this before.

For that alone I'd be planning to separate.

It's not fair on the kids growing up walking on eggshells. You need to put them first.

Seems he is happy to use you for home comforts and see his kids occasionally. His aggressiveness sounds horrific.

I would see a solicitor, get your ducks in a row and decide if you are going to tolerate it and let your DC endure his nastiness or divorce.

Has he been through something traumatic at work? It sounds a lot like what happens to soldiers, they form very strong bonds with one another (trauma bonds), they become obsessed with war etc., they can have outbursts of violence or aggression, they mask this by acting like an exaggerated version of masculinity, their 'normal' lives can seem shallow and pointless after the life and death adrenaline of war. Their families suffer if they don't get PTSD treatment.

It doesn’t sound like he is coping very well with the job.

A personality change is worrying, it might be worth calling these people for some support for you www.policecare.org.uk/get-help/

You can’t go in like that it’s unfair in you and your children.

Sounds like his ego is through the roof, I call it the teacher effect and I can imagine it's worse with a police officer because they get power over adults rather than children. I don't think all police officers are like this tho. I'd be telling him how you feel, clear instructions of what you expect to change and if it doesn't then I'd cut my losses. If I read it correctly you said he's been in the police for three years. That's a long time. This sounds like the norm now not settling in. Also next time he is like that call 999. He will soon shut up when he thinks the people he works with are coming to the house. If he damages anything in the house cal the police because he should know better

Agree with Zara, Police Officers see something like 400 trauma situations a year with the average normal person seeing 1-2 in their lifetime and suicides rates are really high.

If he had always been like it I’d think what a nasty arse but this sounds different but if he doesn’t recognise this change and won’t accept help I’d put yourself and the children first. Maybe that would be the wake up call he needs.

Sounds like many of the police officers I know, male & female.
I have worked alongside them for a long time & have seen it over & over again.
Sorry OP.
The pressure of the job is immense. A lot of officers do suffer with stress.
Many relationships do break down. The only ones I know that survive are inter force relationships.

He hasn't been to any big incidents. No serious deaths, stabbings etc. He works in a very nice affluent area.

I am not saying the work is always easy but this didn't start after an incident in work. It was a very sudden personality switch as soon as he passed all his tests to get in. Since then it has been different. I would say the aggressiveness is over the past 12 months and is more when I want to discuss things. Sometimes he gets aggressive, other times he will literally just ignore me and go on his phone.
I know maybe I am focussed on the wrong issue when it is the aggressiveness regardless I should be looking at not what job he does.

Sorry OP but I was married to a police officer for many years and you describe it so perfectly. In your shoes I would end the marriage now... it only gets worse and worse. I wish I could give you better advice but the bottom line is that its really shit. You deserve to be happy and feel safe and relaxed in your home.

I'm a police officer and I'm just about to marry another police officer.

To be brutally honest, within the job it's fairly well known and a bit of a running joke that most people who join the job with a partner won't have that partner for long.

Also, he sounds like a passive aggressive twat which isn't the jobs fault.

It’s not necessary serious deaths and stabbings, sometimes it’s the less serious but sad situations and the constantness (is that a word) of it dragging them down and the anger and cynical, sarky side rises.

But you say it started as soon as he passed his exams so maybe he is just an egotistical twat and this has switched on this side of his personality.

Get up is right, you deserve to feel relaxed and safe in your home.

I think sometimes as a reaction to the tiny traumas it's like they become so thick skinned they forget it's not all defence or attack in life, their guard is up in case things go bad, even in situations where that is not their role. Total hyper vigilance which, whilst useful in their job, is not in their personal life. So even without one grand trauma, this constant level of exposure to small traumas or potential traumas gives them a PTSD/C-PTSD reaction similar as you would see in a war zone or domestically abusive or violent family. Sex workers can develop something similar, too. They lose the ability to switch off the hyper vigilance, they are always on the job. Unfortunately, just like children exposed to DV they can then use this negative energy and turn it into anger, abuse and violence themselves, therefore making their families hyper vigilant in turn. There are people who can turn it around, with the right help Police officers can of course have happy family lives and deal with their PTSD/C-PTSD without damaging those around them, but more often they are in denial and end up becoming even more black and white in their mind set, where basically the police are the good guys, and everyone else is the enemy. That they and their fellow officers are superior over everyone who is not police, including their families and friends. Which can be a recipe for divorce and domestic violence unfortunately.

I think this is early on that with the right help and self awareness he could turn it around for his family and himself. But the ego stuff is about having a hard shell to hide behind, and denial is often a part of that shell. So it might be hard to get through to him. Hopefully the police have people better equipped to do so.

He's job pissed. The saying is "join the force get a divorce" . Being a police officer is hard. No matter where you work. Everyone hates you and you see threat everywhere. Coppers socialise with coppers. Get yourself a shl and bin him. It gets worse.

You've got to ask yourself what do you get out of this relationship?

OP this sounds very familiar! Almost as if you were talking about my ex!

I suspect he was cheating on me with a colleague, and the woman he is now married to he also met through work.
When he joined the police his personality changed overnight. And this was before he had dealt with anything traumatic! Then it only got worse. We divorced as I couldn't take it anymore. I fear that if I had stayed the abuse would've soon turned physical.

I’m sorry OP but he sounds like a dangerous man.

His ego is massive and he can be quite aggressive. If I say something to him he will throw things or will shout and there are times- not very often- that I will be scared of him. He was never like this before.

This is out and out abuse.

Sorry I don't know how to quote but yes hyper vigilance is the right term for how he is aswell. We can be driving to tesco to do some food shopping and the car in front is going a little slow and he is so angry and aggressive about it. It's like everyone is against him.

The ego thing is so different to what I am used to that it is so hard to accept. He was always extrovert and charming but this is on another level.

I feel sad that other women are saying here that it doesn't change because I really just hoped it was that he was maybe a bit obsessed but that it would mellow itself out maybe when he became more settled.

He said most people have split up with their partners now and yes have got together with other police officers. He said he sees a lot of affairs but would never do it. I can't believe that completely though because it seems they all want to base their lives around each other and cut out everything else. I have noticed friends don't ask us to go out as much anymore and I wonder if they are sick of hearing about his work as much as I am.

I hope noone thinks I am saying all police are bad. I am just finding it hard.

I grew up with dv and had a traumatic incident to do with a previous job role a few years ago but I don't believe I let it define my life like this and allow me to behave badly.

He sounds like the sort of person that the police don't need in the job. The one that gives all the others a bad reputation. I would guess the power has gone to his head. Being married to a police officer (even the good ones) is ver hard for someone who has no experience of "police life" and the divorce rate very high.

I would seriously think about leaving him to be honest.

I'm afraid I would just get everything sorted now and make a nice quick clean break. I'm relieved to hear that you are the main earner. Your'e already ten steps ahead of many other posters on here with aggressive nasty husbands. You can leave so much easier. It will be hard but as long as you get everything as ready as you can first then it should be a smoother process.

This is him now. Maybe it's the trauma of the job or more likely (going by your husbands personality type) it's the power he feels over other adults now.

I am an officer so I can relate.

Years ago I was also married to a cop and for us it didn’t last it wasn’t a good mix. The job itself is more than a job and unfortunately the people that you relate to more are the people you work with because of the things you see and deal with.

I’ve got a bit of service now so when I’m home.. I’m home! I need to switch off. My partner now is not in the job and that’s refreshing.

What I would say is the first few years in the job seem to be the game changer there appears to be a lot of divorces/separations. If I’m honest I feel men especially seem to get this Massive ego. Try and talk to him about your feelings, sorry I’ve not read all the posts so you might have put a response in.. I’ll have a scan lol x

This seems to be so common, but the aggression on top tells me that this guy is EXACTLY the type who shouldn't even be in this job in the first place... and so you've even less chance of sorting it out.

Tbh, would you want to? You describe the start of domestic violence. I'd be sorting things out to leave. And not telling him until the sorting part was done.

I am married to a Police Officer who has recently returned to operational work after a long secondment. I can honestly say the biggest impact this has had for us is the shift pattern, which is very disruptive. It hasn’t changed his personality or character. It probably helps that I work in criminal justice too and deal with a lot of the same risks, people and pressures. What I would say is that there is a distinct Police culture and it sounds like it has tapped into pre-existing aspects of your husband’s personality.

I served less than 2 years, got PTSD and ive been out of the job almost 3 years. I can say i am not the same person i was when i joined. Alot less trusting of people, de sensitised to alot of things that would have many in tears etc. Yes the affairs are very much a thing. Shift work is very hard on a family, it does rip alot of familys apart, and also the same reason why alot of coppers/control room are together because they both do shifts. The ego thing is something i saw repeatedly with the men more so in the job. You are also regularly told that youre never off duty. It does take a massive part of your life. And there are alot of statistics with DV from partners that are in the police. Dont let his job put you off reporting him if he frightens you, its taken very seriously and he wont get away with it just because he is in the job.

I am very good friends with a female police officer. Apparently cheating with colleagues is rife. Certain types of people just aren't cut out for the job. They let the power go to their head. Your dh sounds like one of those people.

I believe police officers have the highest divorce rate out of all occupations. I administer a police pension scheme and we process countless of divorce CETVS and pension sharing orders.