Relationship with shift worker/police

[Annie12901273]

Hi,

I have been with my DP for a good few years now. A few years ago he decided to join the police and after a looong recruitment process he has been in now for about 3 years.

It has just changed him completely as a person. He is completely obsessed with work. His colleagues all seem to be the same. I am talking they whatsapp each other from morning to night every single day including work days and rest days. I have seen the group chats so it is definitely them he is texting.

Even during lockdown when you couldn't even see your own parents they were meeting up outside of work because despite spending all day together it wasn't enough!

Nothing at home is interesting for him anymore- all he wants to talk about is work- to me, to friends and to family.

Its like he finds me incredibly boring and our normal life at home boring because he loves his work life so much.

He has also changed in his personality. His ego is massive and he can be quite aggressive. If I say something to him he will throw things or will shout and there are times- not very often- that I will be scared of him. He was never like this before.

He isn't interested in helping with the house or with the kids and its like that is beneath him now because he has this big job.
I am the main earer by far in our house but I have never thought this made me better but I just don't feel like he sees me as an equal now.

I know we hear about affairs in the police all the time and I don't think that is what is happening here but I can see how it happens because it is genuinely in his eyes like people in the police are better than everyone else.

When he has days off its like he can't switch out of work mode and doesn't like that he doesn't have that power at home too.

There is also the hours that mean I am alone most of the time because the shifts are long and he chooses to go in early/stay late most days- I know that isn't always his choice.

Is this just how it is being in a relationship with a police officer or is this because it is fairly new and i need to give him time to settle in?

Any police officers or partners of have any advice on this?

@Buttons4491 I think you have replied to the wrong person 😀

@BananaPop2020 Ach sorry! this was meant for OP :)

There are a lot of power hungry male & female officers though. Anyone who works with the Police knows what I'm talking about.
Also I hate how on social events when colleagues end up kissing/shagging etc it's just laughed off & normalised even though it's known that they're married or with someone who's probably waiting at home.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have been married to a Police Officer for 16 years and at times it has been so tough. Shift work is so hard, particularly when your children are small (long weekends and bank holidays alone) although I found it got a lot easier as my son got older. Like others have already said, it really is a job like no other - it's a lifestyle. I think it is very difficult to understand the challenges fully when you don't live in that world but that is no excuse for the behaviour you are describing.

There is certainly a camaraderie in the Police force that is different to anything I have ever experienced in the workplace and affairs are rife. I think it's working together in a highly charged environment, for long periods of time that bonds people together. Because of the working/socialising that takes place, opportunities for affairs are always there (and there are always new people joining) - perhaps in a way that wouldn't be the case in other professions. But ultimately, how you react to that is the measure of the person isn't it and how much they really value their marriage/relationship.

My husband has been policing for a long time now but I've never doubted his commitment to us. He's a decent and caring man and a decent and caring policeman. He's always puts us first. He changed his work pattern to collect our son from school when he was at primary school even though it had an impact on his progression and was frowned upon. He doesn't socialise as much with colleagues anymore but I think that's more because he can't take it anymore! We talk about his work because it's often interesting/there are funny stories but likewise he's interested in my work (not so interesting!). He always says when he leaves work, that's it - he gives too much of his life to the police as it is and they won't take anymore - he's looking forward to retirement and wants to do something else completely unlike others who choose to go back in a support role and can't seem to let go. But again, that could be down to experience/being older. He sometimes used to talk to me in what I used to laughingly call the policeman 'tone'. He soon learnt to cut that out.

I suppose what I'm trying to say in a long winded way is that joining the Police force will but a strain on any relationship. It can shine a light on who people really are underneath given the opportunity but if they truly love and respect their families, they can make their relationships work. But they've got to want that and they've got to so everything they can to put them first.

Good luck - wishing you the very best.

Yep my brother is a Police Officer and I have the same complaints from my SIL!

My nephew joined the police 3 years ago . He says he is shocked that so many of them are having affairs even though the majority are married or engaged.

Two other family members work for the police although not police officers. They too say it's awful how many police are having affairs.

It seems most don't even try and hide their affairs. They seem almost proud of them and it's treated as funny

I do wished I had known all of this before, I might have been more vigilant and picked up on his cheating ways before.

I hate the fact it seems viewed as normal or funny to be having affairs.

Not so funny for those wives at home who are then left picking up the pieces.

I hope what goes around comes around. Surely relationships that start like this aren't built in good foundations.

Not so funny for those wives at home who are then left picking up the pieces

It’s definitely not just the male officers doing it. Otherwise who would they cheat with?

I will say that, although affairs are very common, they haven’t exactly been rare in other jobs I’ve had. I worked in finance before this and it was the same. I’ve worked in retail too and come the Christmas party or a night out there was always someone 🤷🏼‍♀️ I think affairs in general are far, far more common than we like to think.

And that was badly worded, should have said spouses not wives.

Agreed, I am told me EH had been with 3 other female officers before this one. And senior to all of them.

I know a family, the guy was a police officer, it all came out he was having an affair and I (and everyone else who knew him except his colleagues) were absolutely shocked. Honestly couldn’t believe it, all over social media he would post pics of his wife, gushing about her. Seemed like such a lovely close family. His poor poor wife. Still can’t believe it

@VivaVegas same here- and that’s one thing I find so worrying, the power dynamic of it. Don’t get me wrong the last ow in my case had absolutely no shame- happy to shag my husband in my house with our wedding pictures on the wall while I was at work - but equally if you’re in your early twenties and in your probation and he’s late thirties and a sergeant- that’s not ok. It’s an abuse of his position. Something else that shocked me about the whole thing.

@JingsMahBucket What an absolutely vile thing to say. My DH was in the police for 30 years and we have been married for 36 years. My late dad was also a police officer for 30 years and I can assure you neither one was/is a bastard.

@Annie12901273 my ex dp joined the force when we starting dating and WOW he changed.

He thought he was way more important than he was, the excited stories of arresting people became cringing. He was obsessed with feeling in control so cheated. They do all seem to be up to stuff. My exdp wasn't content with online cheating, he started getting lifts home from a colleague.

Maybe they aren't all the same but from what I have seen first hand, from his bf who is also a officer and all the officers that come up on my tinder they are sex and power mad.

My exdp was geeky and sweet, at the end he became shouty and forceful.