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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship with shift worker/police

88 replies

Annie12901273 · 13/09/2020 08:43

Hi,

I have been with my DP for a good few years now. A few years ago he decided to join the police and after a looong recruitment process he has been in now for about 3 years.

It has just changed him completely as a person. He is completely obsessed with work. His colleagues all seem to be the same. I am talking they whatsapp each other from morning to night every single day including work days and rest days. I have seen the group chats so it is definitely them he is texting.

Even during lockdown when you couldn't even see your own parents they were meeting up outside of work because despite spending all day together it wasn't enough!

Nothing at home is interesting for him anymore- all he wants to talk about is work- to me, to friends and to family.

Its like he finds me incredibly boring and our normal life at home boring because he loves his work life so much.

He has also changed in his personality. His ego is massive and he can be quite aggressive. If I say something to him he will throw things or will shout and there are times- not very often- that I will be scared of him. He was never like this before.

He isn't interested in helping with the house or with the kids and its like that is beneath him now because he has this big job.
I am the main earer by far in our house but I have never thought this made me better but I just don't feel like he sees me as an equal now.

I know we hear about affairs in the police all the time and I don't think that is what is happening here but I can see how it happens because it is genuinely in his eyes like people in the police are better than everyone else.

When he has days off its like he can't switch out of work mode and doesn't like that he doesn't have that power at home too.

There is also the hours that mean I am alone most of the time because the shifts are long and he chooses to go in early/stay late most days- I know that isn't always his choice.

Is this just how it is being in a relationship with a police officer or is this because it is fairly new and i need to give him time to settle in?

Any police officers or partners of have any advice on this?

OP posts:

Boopthesnoot1 · 14/09/2020 00:31

You ma'am are my new favourite person.

BananaPop2020 · 14/09/2020 00:47

😀

lilmishap · 14/09/2020 03:17

It's not new it's been Three years.

He is now throwing things and shouting, who are you gonna call if that escalates? cause I call your fellas colleagues if there's shouting and throwing things.

Its not ok. He knows better than anyone surely.

lilmishap · 14/09/2020 03:21

ps have coppers in the family. Older but less than 4 more than 2, different ''we dont call them forces anymore" forces,
No-one in my family would be ok if I announced I was with one, including the coppers and formers.

I dont know another profession with the same rep.

ukgift2016 · 14/09/2020 05:54

It's quite scary to read how so many men change and become aggressive after becoming a police officer. To me, it shows there something wrong with that profession.

OP if you are in the fortunate position to be the higher earner, what excuse do you have to stay? Think about your children and your own wellbeing. You only live once.

KatherineJaneway · 14/09/2020 06:31

I really just hoped it was that he was maybe a bit obsessed but that it would mellow itself out maybe when he became more settled.

It's been over 3 years, more than enough time to 'settle'.

I am the main earer by far in our house

Sounds like the job has upped his ego so he now has more 'power' than you.

Cocklepops · 14/09/2020 07:03

Okay.

As a cop it’s easier to talk job with other cops, as they’ve been through the shared experiences - so whilst you may be under the impression he isn’t been to any ‘difficult’ jobs in three years I’d find that very hard to believe and think he’s just not talked to you about them as you won’t understand.

As a previous poster as said, he’s job pissed. This tends to come with the territory. I was like that for about the first four years - I would do all the overtime I could, I’d go in on days off to check my emails and for many years I would be woken up in the middle of the night thinking my radio had gone off with a message when it was switched off in my locker at work.

Hyper vigilance is huge. I left the job nearly five years ago and I’m still permanently on edge happens even though I now have no police powers to do anything about it and am weak physically compared to when I was in the job.

Personally I’ve noticed some men who join the job can take an ‘I am the law’ attitude and start thinking they are better than anyone, including fellow officers. It’s only certain men though so I do think it’s something in people already.

VivaVegas · 14/09/2020 11:16

I can understand why it might be easier to talk or relate to others in a job like this.

Don't understand why it becomes so necessary to shag your colleagues though 🤔

NotaWickedStepMum55 · 14/09/2020 13:04

Reading all these comments has been pretty depressing. My daughter bought her first house 2 years ago with her (policeman) partner. They are very loved-up and he has been nothing but charming, intelligent and happy. He has moved into the 'interceptor' world, and when I messaged him to congratulate him, he replied he was so happy 'dream job and dream girl'.

Reading the posts here, it looks like the 80/20 rule applies. 20% of the relationships look normal. All I can hope is that hers is one of the 20%

Princesspolly · 14/09/2020 13:53

You’ve just described my husband except he’s only been in for a year, 3 weeks ago I found out he’s been having an affair, 2 weeks ago he left me for the other woman. He’s incredibly aggressive towards me now, him joining the force was the worst thing that happened to us.
I’m so sorry you are going through this and hope things get better for you

IfIHadAHeart · 14/09/2020 14:13

Another police officer here.

The bonding among colleagues is really like nothing I’ve experienced in other jobs (I was 30 when I joined) and my colleagues have become some of my very best friends. Like your DH, we message constantly, chat on the phone a lot and have regular nights out.

As far as not having had any traumatic events goes, I’d say in three years that’s impossible. But it’s sometimes not even the events you’d think are the most traumatic that have the biggest effect. I attend a lot of railway deaths, which can be gruesome and upsetting, but can normally put my feelings in a box after a few days. It’s the steady drip drip drip of aggression and danger every shift that has had the biggest effect on my personality. I’m probably a bit colder and have developed that gallows sense of humour.

That being said, his behaviour is not acceptable. Aggression is not an acceptable way of dealing with problems at home, however stressed and tired he may be. What would happen if you tried to talk to him, at a time when things are calm though not during a disagreement?

JingsMahBucket · 14/09/2020 14:15

@Annie12901273 I would leave him. Hopefully you’re not married and only partnered? The domestic violence rates amongst police officers is highest of the professions, at least in the US. If you call the police after your partner beats you, the ones who arrive try to convince you not to press charges or don’t even talk to you at all and just console your partner. They protect each other. Get out now.

The police force attracts power hungry people who enjoy making other people obey them. This is why people say all cops are bastards (ACAB).

IfIHadAHeart · 14/09/2020 14:15

I would agree that a large percentage of my colleagues have been divorced. The job is not particularly compatible with family life, and can be incredibly stressful. Affairs are very, very common and not at all a secret at work.

IfIHadAHeart · 14/09/2020 14:19

The police force attracts power hungry people who enjoy making other people obey them. This is why people say all cops are bastards (ACAB)

Nothing like a sweeping generalisation to taint an entire profession 🙄🙄 there are dickheads in literally every job. The majority of us are genuinely trying our best whilst battling with budget cuts, staffing shortages, cut backs to all other public services meaning we become the first point of call for all sorts of issues, ever-dwindling public support.....ACAB is extremely offensive and just not true.

SoddingWeddings · 14/09/2020 14:22

As an ex-copper I have a view. He's what we called "Job Drunk". I was the same - eat, breathe, live, sleep the Job. It takes over everything if you let it. I was single through my decade of service because I never made the time for anything else. I lost touch with so many friendships.

Then I met my now DH, and quit the Job to get a life (as I call it).

His behaviour is unacceptable on so many levels though. He doesn't need to do all the overtime, the constantly living in each other's pockets etc - he chooses to.

His aggression is very worrying. I sadly know several coppers who were DV abusers behind closed doors and it took years for the truth to come out. It's probably harder for their victims to come forward for fears of repercussions or fear of not being believed because of their jobs.

I don't have practical advice for you here, you need to think about whether you are safe, whether you you feel safe, and what you want to do next.

SoddingWeddings · 14/09/2020 14:23

@JingsMahBucket what on earth do you know about British policing then? I'd suggest the grand total of fuck all. And no, most us are or were not in it for power or control, but to help people at the worst times of their lives.

Feckthisshit2020 · 14/09/2020 14:25

I hate the attitude. ‘Oh yeah, affairs are really common, it’s just what happens’. I’m supposed to say that to my children am I when they ask why daddy won’t live with us anymore? ‘Sorry love, he’s a power hungry arsehole who will ride whatever bike is doing the rounds these days, and mummy has to go to the doctor now because he didn’t want to worry about protection either! But never mind, it’s just one of those things.’

The man I thought I married was kind and thoughtful and caring and valued our children above everything. I don’t know who the person I’m divorcing is but I don’t want him anywhere near me or my babies. I never in a million years thought I’d be involved with a domestic abuse charity, wondering how the hell i protect my kids from the man I loved and trusted more than anyone and with no one to call because his colleagues will protect him.

It’s a fucking disgrace and I would tell everyone I care about not to touch a policeman with a barge pole. His inspector was proud of having been married three times by the time he was 30, having cheated his way out of each relationship. Never mind the total devastation they leave behind.

IheartJKR · 14/09/2020 14:30

@Princesspolly

You’ve just described my husband except he’s only been in for a year, 3 weeks ago I found out he’s been having an affair, 2 weeks ago he left me for the other woman. He’s incredibly aggressive towards me now, him joining the force was the worst thing that happened to us. I’m so sorry you are going through this and hope things get better for you

I’m very sorry @Princesspolly

Feckthisshit2020 · 14/09/2020 14:33

@Annie12901273 I’m sorry to have been negative, I should probably have not replied the mood I’m in today! I really hope you work it out and things improve.

IheartJKR · 14/09/2020 14:37

Op - the job is an excuse.

His behavior is The entitled , aggressive behavior of an abusive partner.

Why is their such a high incident of abuse by police officers?
Because they think they can.

I would leave. Your dh is just another dickhead using his job as justification.

VivaVegas · 14/09/2020 14:43

I agree Feckit my ex has left a path of devastation behind him and just doesn't care. He seems to be more pissed off that he's been exposed for what he is to friends and family than anything else.

I don't recognise him as the man I spent half my life with, and thought we'd grow old together.

Turns out he has a terrible reputation with women at work but I guess none of the others were worth leaving me for or he wouldn't have left this time if I hadn't of found out.

I refer to her as 'the station bike' as she's been around. The fact she cheated on her partner who is also an officer at the same station has caused many issues. I was told my ex and the bike are widely disliked because of what they did. So seems it's ok to cheat on a civilian spouse but not one that's another copper.

Buttons4491 · 14/09/2020 14:48

I am partner of probationary officer my PT joined March this year. No behavioral changes apart from good changes in regards to knowledge of such things to do with policing? My partner has already attended some horrifying scenes but he always comes home and tells me about his day quite willingly and I'm happy to listen. Everyone deals with things differently. I'm thinking there is more to his anger than just becoming and officer, maybe his head has been turned?

Xuli · 14/09/2020 14:52

@NotaWickedStepMum55

Reading the posts here, it looks like the 80/20 rule applies. 20% of the relationships look normal. All I can hope is that hers is one of the 20%

On a positive note, DH joined the police when we'd been together a few years. Despite the fact he's always loved frontline policing, there's been no change in our relationship and definitely no affairs! We have two young DC and yes, the shift work is hard (I come from a police family so it helps that I'm used to it) but we muddle along fine. Hopefully it will be the same for your DD!

Original poster

Annie12901273 · 14/09/2020 14:55

I don't know what to do if I am honest. It looks like the aggression aside the job always comes first and that's just how it will be.

I think job pissed or drunk is a good way to describe it actually. He hates having annual leave and will get up in the night even to check his email and text colleagues. It's just not normal to me that a job takes over like that to the detriment of their family. I like my colleagues but would I text them all weekend including through the night?! No because to me that is my time with family and friends.

Last time I tried to talk to him about it he got really angry and threw his phone across the room and said I was being controlling.

I don't think he has had his head turned. I can't see him staying with me if that was true as he doesn't seem to enjoy it anyway.

OP posts:

Buttons4491 · 14/09/2020 15:02

@JingsMahBucket your statement is entirely wrong! The police does not only attract power hungry people and you are the reason why bad media portrayal is spread without context! My PT joined the police having worked for the NHS he felt like he wasn't doing enough to help and so joined the police. Now since my PT joined it's also provided me the drive to join too, I am also not a power hungry person...

@BananaPop2020 please try talking to your partner first take some time to yourselves and just sit and air out your grievances. Otherwise if you really feel unsafe, take yourself out of the situation

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