Relationship with shift worker/police

[Annie12901273]

Hi,

I have been with my DP for a good few years now. A few years ago he decided to join the police and after a looong recruitment process he has been in now for about 3 years.

It has just changed him completely as a person. He is completely obsessed with work. His colleagues all seem to be the same. I am talking they whatsapp each other from morning to night every single day including work days and rest days. I have seen the group chats so it is definitely them he is texting.

Even during lockdown when you couldn't even see your own parents they were meeting up outside of work because despite spending all day together it wasn't enough!

Nothing at home is interesting for him anymore- all he wants to talk about is work- to me, to friends and to family.

Its like he finds me incredibly boring and our normal life at home boring because he loves his work life so much.

He has also changed in his personality. His ego is massive and he can be quite aggressive. If I say something to him he will throw things or will shout and there are times- not very often- that I will be scared of him. He was never like this before.

He isn't interested in helping with the house or with the kids and its like that is beneath him now because he has this big job.
I am the main earer by far in our house but I have never thought this made me better but I just don't feel like he sees me as an equal now.

I know we hear about affairs in the police all the time and I don't think that is what is happening here but I can see how it happens because it is genuinely in his eyes like people in the police are better than everyone else.

When he has days off its like he can't switch out of work mode and doesn't like that he doesn't have that power at home too.

There is also the hours that mean I am alone most of the time because the shifts are long and he chooses to go in early/stay late most days- I know that isn't always his choice.

Is this just how it is being in a relationship with a police officer or is this because it is fairly new and i need to give him time to settle in?

Any police officers or partners of have any advice on this?

He is job pissed, it will wear off

There is no excuse for aggressiveness or making you feel unsafe. Whether it's a product of the job or not doesn't matter a jot. I'd also be curious about why he felt the need to bring up the separations and affairs of his work colleagues. To me that sounds like he is telling you exactly what he plans to do. Because a wee wifey isnt good enough for him, the big man, anymore. Sounds like he was always a narcissistic asshole but now he has something to toot his horn about, he has become insufferable.

Recently divorced a police officer, he'd been having an affair with one of his staff. For about 2 years it seems. He was her boss, also her partner's boss and the sh1t hit the fan when it all came out. No idea how but they now work together again despite being in a relationship.

He became someone I didn't recognise once the affair started, lied, cheated, gaslighted and made me out to be losing the plot. As did she to her partner.

Disgusting pair, shouldn't be doing the job they do. Wouldn't trust either of them as far as I could throw them.

We were together for 25 years, in the force for the last 16 years, I have been told by several people that she's not the first and there were others before her, all also female officers he worked with.

Wouldn't wish it on anyone and have lost zero respect for the police!

I wonder OP - you've always been the main earner and he was happy to help with the kids and the house. Maybe he wasn't happy but felt he had to. Now his alpha male status is being reinforced by his job, he is far more important.

My husband also joined the police a few years ago in his 30s, but no he hasn't changed his personality. There is a good social side and they have work whatsapp groups but so do I with my colleagues.

Noticed something of a change in adult dd who joined 2 years ago. She is now a lot harder, but she’s witnessed some awful things as part of the job so can understand. She now dates a police officer, stating that no one else understands the demands of the job unless they do it. I’m very proud of her. She gets spoken to like crap almost every shift by members of the public, but still wants to carry on protecting/helping others.

You've listed lots of things I worry about OP.

My DP joined this year, the same week I gave birth to our first baby and I've developed PND which I primarily put down to his shifts, not getting paternity leave and seeming to not be here a lot. The nights are the worst and some days he will be out all day so doesn't get to see our baby. It's also the not being able to potentially come home on your finish time: it feels like your entire life and ability to make plans is governed by someone else's job!

I haven't seen a massive change in him personality wise but the affairs thing is something that worries me so much. I work in another area of the system so work shifts when I'm back and we also see horrible things as well as being close to work colleagues so I get it but doesn't make it any easier.

I'm a shift worker (nurse) and I understand the closeness you build with colleagues but this sounds very extreme. My DP is a fire fighter too so again shift worker and there is often banter every day on whatsaap but not meeting up on days off as they either all have second jobs or are with family!
I dated a policeman once and unfortunately think the big ego and controlling nature is rife in that job

DH and I are both police officers, neither of us are twats like this at home. I'm sorry OP but the home situation is out and out abusive and not for you to put up with.

Also divorcing a police officer who had a two year long affair. He’s abusive and controlling. I would also get out now if you can. He also told me how affairs were rife but he would never do that. Would be funny if it wasn’t so fucking awful. We have three children, his AP is 17 years younger and had affairs with two other married man before him. It’s disgraceful. From the colleagues of his I met the police seems to attract men who are controlling aggressive and prejudiced- or if they don’t go in that way they are influenced to become that way and fit in with the culture.

I don’t trust the police at all now and would never rely on them for help.

Abusive people are attracted to jobs that give them power over others. Hence the problems in policing.

My partner is a Police officer and fortunately doesn't have any of the traits you describe, so it's not all of them. He's not arrogant at all and does plenty around the house. He does communicate with colleagues on WhatsApp but not obsessively and he barely talks about work - just the usual how his day was stuff.
I'm sorry you're having a rubbish time.

Sounds to me like he loves being one of the boys! He is finding his feet and on a power trip full of raging male hormones and ego. It might be he over compensates and behaves like a bit of a tool because he isnt as sure and as confident in his role as he makes out or thinks he should be. Seen it before a few times. You need to priorotise you and how you feel and think about what kind of life and relationship you want going forward.I think maybe he is displaying a false bravardo and being aggressive due to him feeling like a bit of a fraud in the power stakes at play at work. I am not sure if you can do anything to change how he is behaving.He may not be the man for you OP. I would try to see if you can get to the bottom of how he sees his life but you may just find he is on a different path now. One thing is for sure something will come along and knock the stuffing out of him and he will need you then,Lets justhope he can get his act together before that day comes and he looses you....really sorry your feeling like you do.Int his instance itis him with the problems not anything you have done.

Thanks for all the replies. I can see some that have the same experiences and its very sad. It does seem that this job- whether it's the power or the impact of the role has a significant impact on a person.

I am glad to hear it is not all police men that behave like this.

I don't think I can talk to him about this because I have tried before and it did not make a difference. I believe honestly that he thinks he could get anyone anyway because of his status now so I can't see that he will change his behaviour so it is up to me to see if I want to put up with it anymore.

To the poster who had a little baby. I can well imagine it must been difficult when the baby was born because you really are on your own a lot of the time with the shift pattern and long days.

I've been married to a police officer for 11 years. Yes, they are obsessed with the job. If you're having doubts and worries now, then just get out, he won't change unless he leaves the job.
My husband talks a lot about work, but always wants to talk about my work too. He's aware of the impact of his work on my life and does what he can to negate it. He's also a great dad.
I think the job can amplify negative personality types and behaviour, so if you're already a bit of a twat, then you'll just get worse, some of his colleagues are like you describe. But honestly, they're not all bad.

Totally all shagging each other though!

@Annie12901273

Hi OP.
I have been with the emergency services for 13 years now. What you have described is not uncommon.

Police teams spend so much time together and deal with a variety of incidents that the majority of "Joe Public" will never deal with.
It causes a deep sense of camaraderie. Actually, they become like family, not just colleagues.
Yes, the team WhatsApp groups do exist. There will probably be around 20 or so colleagues on the team chat group, so a lot of text traffic. Also, there will likely be smaller WhatsApp groups formed outside of the main team WhatsApp group.. like a group just for the "lads" etc.

I imagine he was meeting up with his colleagues outside of work during lockdown because, like I said, they become like family, and he didn't have the option to see his actual family.

As for the hours - they are very unsociable. He will need to go in a bit early everyday to get changed into uniform. The service is stretched, so needing to stay late due to unplanned over time is to be expected. His days off are subject to being cancelled at short notice too and his hours can also be changed at short notice.

Whilst it is great he is enthusiastic about his job and clearly enjoys going to work.. it sounds like he is "job pissed" if it is ALL he talks about. It may wear off as time goes. My DP works for an emergency service (not Police) and he adores his job and does talk about it an awful lot. However, it isn't all he talks about and it hasn't changed his personality or attitude at home in relation to me and helping with chores etc.

My ex was a police officer. He cheated on me with a new probationer on his team. A couple of years later I found out that he actually had a wife that he had kept secret from me and the probationer. He was living a double (and then a triple) life! Utter scumbag!!

I've lost count of the amount of policemen I know who have gone OTS (over the side), cheating with other colleagues or random women they've met on nights out. In my opinion, it's rife.
I know one policeman who would regularly lie to his wife saying he had been given extra night shifts on his days off. He'd then go out drinking with colleagues and pick up women.

Unfortuntely, it does sound like his personality has changed and his ego has definitely ballooned. Sounds like the power has gone to his head and he now has a sense of entitlement. That would explain why he feels helping out at home is beneath him. If I'm being really honest, it sounds like he is absolutely full of himself and he has changed into an awful person!

As for the aggression.. I can't condone this. Yes, police officers have a high-pressure job and do deal with some intense incidents. However, this is not an excuse for displaying aggression towards you, throwing things at you and making you feel scared - this is domestic abuse! Have any of those items hit you? That's common assault!

You don't sound happy at all in this relationship and I for one would not be hanging around to be treated like a lesser-being and having things thrown at me. That's a step too far. I'd have walked away.

I do want to point out though that not all police officers are like this. I don't want them all to be tarred with the same brush. I know plenty of police officers who are in happy, healthy relationships and being in "The job" hasn't changed their personalities.

I can relate to what has been stated having been a Police Officer now retired for 11 years and been involved in very many very serious incidents not repeatable. It sounds to me as if he is turning into a 24 hours PC this is not uncommon and can recall many incidents from the Control Room where Officers even on rest days would go looking for incidents and this was somewhat a difficult suituation as they did not have their Protective Equipment. What happens is that you think everthing that you see has to be an incident of concern.

Or even worse you think that all incidents even when off duty are of a suspicious nature he needs to switch off and not be in touch with his colleagues so much of duty.

I think that you need to speak strongly and robustly to your DP and express your concerns.

When I was in the job mobile phones were in the minority!!

I was married to s police officer. He was exactly as you describe and eventually became very violent. Have to say I've been out with a couple of others and they have all had a certain something about them, a sense of being in charge, of being right, I can't quite describe it. Also, every single male officer I got to know was a cheater, as were some of the females. So many opportunities, and their perceived power seems to be attractive to women. Their wives appeared to have no idea what they were like. I had no idea either.

Am really sorry you are going through this, I hope things turn around. But remember, you deserve better, and do think carefully about whether you want to continue in this relationship. It appears you don't from what you're writing.

This is so interesting, up until my XHs affair that I found out about I had no idea there was such an issue in the police and trusted him 100%.

Turns out he had been pretending to work extra night shift overtime to meet the other women along with fictitious works nights out that were again to meet other women.
The OW he left for after being caught has had affairs with other married men too.

He turned my life into a script from a bad soap opera, awful for me and our DC as I now can't bear to see or speak to him.

Turns out he didn't like being exposed as a liar and a cheat and turned into an aggressive bully after I did that!

@VivaVegas relate so much!!

Feckthis I read your post and it was what happened to me, sounds almost identical.

So sorry you have had to go through this too because it's awful.

I was married to my DH for years, he joined the police and we were divorced within 4 years. He changed completely, became an arrogant arse and only wanted to socialise with other officers. So far I know he's since had affairs with 2 police officers whilst married to his 2nd wife.
I'd get out whilst you can

@VivaVegas the continuing mind fuck of it all is just the gift that keeps on giving. I’m so sorry for you too.

My DP is a police officer for 12 years and his work does take over. We had a child 2.5years ago and he has put his daughter before anything. He has 50% responsibility and has daddy days when I'm at work. In saying this he is always chatting to the team, on days off and is often in need to be engaged with them. This doesn't impact our relationship tho. He worked 4 years straight suicides and ag robberies. Difference being with yourself is im in the job (I work intel) so I also do 'police work' and I met my partner when he was in the job, not after. I wouldn't let him pull the 'I do important work and job card' if I were up dont feed that ego because it will get worse. Normally I wouldn't dare date POs because I have seen how some can be with women but my DP isn't like that.

@Boopthesnoot1 you have a fabulous username