How bad is this? Not so bad? Quite bad?

[Fantasisa]

I feel like I have no perspective anymore on the issues DH and I have.

For background, we are both strong personalities. He thinks all our relationship problems are my fault. I think they are least 50/50.

This week, the kids were upstairs in bed asleep before their first day back at school. Just before we were due to go to bed (so it was v late) we had an argument downstairs about who was supposed to be picking them up from school on their first day - not a loud one - as we had crossed wires about who was scheduled to do it.

He was going out cycling for the day with friends and I was going into work. In the end I said crossly that I'd change my work hours and collect them and then I went off to bed.

He then started sending me screenshots of our messages to 'prove' he was right about me being the one due to collect them. They didn't prove anything, I think it was genuinely crossed wires.

He then comes upstairs and shouts at me so loudly accusing me of having a massive go at him over nothing like I always do apparently, that I'm a fucking nightmare etc etc. I repeatedly told him not to shout and not to wake the children. The children both, of course, woke up. They weren't scared, they are sadly used to us falling out, they were tired. They were both, of course, tired the next day on their first day back at school and I felt so guilty.

How bad is it that he woke up the children with his shouting? He blamed me for getting cross about the arrangements and said I was happy to shout at him - but we were downstairs then and I wouldn't say it was shouting, more cross about the diary issue.

Input welcome.

The parent who is working takes priority over the one who is not working, so your h should have collected the dc.

But your h should NOT have shouted loud enough to wake the dc, the selfish arse.

If your poor dc are used to being woken by you two arguing, then split up. Your dc deserve more.

Your dh is in the wrong.
Since when did pissing about doing a hobby take precedence over taking your children to and from school?
Then shouting at your wife/husband because you expect them to not go to work-seriously. I'm bloody speechless.
If I was married to him op I'd be burying the fucker under the patio.
Thank God I'm not married to him.

Normal couples sit and discuss the problem and hen work towards a solution without shouting.
It is give and take and work trumps hobbies.
Your OH is obviously selfish and did not want anything to impact his plans.

OP,
People have a difference of opinion in relationships.
Married nearly 30 years here,.... and yes we have disagreed and irritated each other. That is a part of marriages.🤷‍♀️

Shouting loudly at each other and waking children up is just not a part of that.

It's just not.

OP, imagine what it would be like for you, in your home,...... to have,...... two adults shouting at each other, and arguing about arrangements regarding collecting you????

So awful.
So scary.
So frightening.

And...

So lonely.

So shit.

A truly awful environment to grow up in.

Your poor children.

And they are used to it.

Poor little mites.

Utterly heartbreaking.

You rearranged work because he is cycling with friends?! And he had a go at you for arguing that that is highly fucking unreasonable? He’s a knob. Start planing your exit.

I used to watch Malcolm In The Middle years ago, and after one spectacularly bad row between the mum and dad the mum leaned wearily on the kitchen counter and said, we've got to find a way to resolve our differences without World War 3 blowing up. Never forgotten that. The subject of the row is secondary - it's how it's resolved without the shouting and screaming.

@Mildmanneredmum Did she find a way?! I'm only half joking.

You live like that because he disables the communication by being a bastard. It's a hobby.

He sounds like a cunt

We rarely argue. We may have a serious conversation working something out but it's not cross.
It's about acknowledging the others point of view and not being stubborn.

Your dh sounds delightful OP. What a horrid man.....you and your children will be better off alone.

Thing is, he isn't horrible and I guess that is why we are still together. We just seem completely unable to resolve conflict without it escalating.

I would advise marriage counselling focusing on how to communicate effectively and why he feels his individual wants trump family responsibility.

OP you're not on your own in that. Many will identify with you.

My DH is 97% ace but he also can't deal with any kind of disagreement and within seconds it will descend into him raising his voice. I'm not abused or threatened in any way by him it's just very waring and in calm times we talk about it but the calm times are always after. It's just draining because the rest of the time we're great and I love him dearly.

If he isn’t willing to work on those issues though you would need to re evaluate whether you want to live that way, and whether it is healthy for your dc.

@Fantasisa

Thing is, he isn't horrible and I guess that is why we are still together. We just seem completely unable to resolve conflict without it escalating.

He may not usually nasty to you but what comes across clearly is that he is selfish.

You know this.

Him cancelling cycling was not an option.

He knows this.

That’s why he had to prove you were the one who was wrong, because if it was just a mix up then prioritising a hobby over work is obviously unreasonable but he would not compromise on this because he is selfish.

@Fantasisa

Thing is, he isn't horrible and I guess that is why we are still together. We just seem completely unable to resolve conflict without it escalating.

Maybe you need outside help. Were your dh's parents "perfect" and domineering, and was he under their thumb? Does he feel equally impotent and stupid in your relationship?

To be honest, and bearing in mind that we have only your version of events, neither of you seem to be covering yourselves with glory. Perhaps you both need to work on / get some help to work on managing your family lives without resorting to shouting at each other - whichever room you are in at the time.

I've tried to give a balanced account that covers what his issue/s with me are.

But yes, this is my version. And I'm acutely aware that as it is impacting on the children that it needs to be addressed one way or another.

My Exh would frequently shout so loud he would wake the children. It was entirely deliberate and abusive.

Strangely enough he could control himself everywhere else.

@Roguesausage - this is what I'm struggling with.

DH would say, and it would probably be true, that he wouldn't shout like that if it wasn't for me. So if we did split up, I don't worry that he would be shouting and waking them up then. It is just something at the heart of our dynamic.

I think this is probably fixable if you both have the desire to fix it. You just have a very bad model of communicating, you're habitually returning to the same template of argument and escalation over and over.

You need to get a new template, a new model of communication, and strictly adhere to it. Speak to a counsellor.

A lot of stuff in this thread is pure speculation - nobody knows your individual circumstances. And it's quite possible people could read the precise details of your exchanges, text messages and feel, from a 3rd party persepctive, it is very clear that it was you that got the wrong end of the stick and your husband was quite right to think he had established you would pick the kids up.

Your children are used to the two of you arguing. No, this is not normal and it is emotionally harmful to them.

As for whether other couples would argue about the misunderstanding - no, most probably wouldn't.

They'd maybe grumble a bit and then scratch their heads over what to do, and the non-working parent would graciously agree to pick up.

The other would be grateful and bring something special back for tea, and maybe a little extra just for the adults afterwards.

Later they'd joke about how they nearly left the kids stranded, what are we LIKE! and giggle.
The kid would never know a thing about it.

That's how loving couples deal with mess-ups. Been there, done that, it's all compromise.

@Fantasisa I don't honestly remember. Which is a shame, because I think a lot of couple are in this situation. Them finding a solution probably didn't make such good telly.

What would have happened if you'd asked him WHY cycling trumped you going to work? Would there have been a discussion about how he needs hobbies and time out of the house or would he have just shouted that he was going? Would it have given him pause for thought, in other words?

Because if he can't even consider that his needs don't trump yours, then all the counselling in the world won't help. If, however, you can manage to ask him this, later, in a calm way, and he's prepared to discuss it, there may be hope.

I suspect that it's not just the arguments that become entrenched. I think you are copying your DM without even knowing it.