What to do when parent you are NC with, reaches out?

[Shefliesonherownwings]

I've posted about this a couple of times before but I need some more advice on this as my dad has been in touch and I don't know what to do next.

I'll try to be brief. I'm an only child and since I was a teen and could form my own opinions, dad and I have clashed. I find him to be controlling, suffocating, selfish, narcissitic, volatile, I could go on. I don't like the way he treats my mum or speaks to her and when I stand up to him/disagree it causes a major argument. We disagree on almost anything of any depth as I consider him racist, sexist, homophobic and so on. We have had numerous arguments and a couple of phases of not speaking but I always end up caving and going back for an easy life. However I used to dread having to see or speak to him because of how he is. He would say we've been very close, i would say we had a surface relationship only.

Last November I lost my DD to stillbirth. DH and I were and still are devestated. My dad acted appallingly, I think grief thief is the right phrase. At a time when everyone else was trying to make things better for us and support us, all he did was make things worse. He upset me hugely the day before DDs funeral and when I later told him how upset I was, he told me that all I ever do is blame him for everything. I didn't reply. A month or so later I received a very long email basically telling me how ungrateful I am, how I've made him ill, nearly caused him and my mum to split up and outlining all he's ever done for me. I didn't respond so we have been NC since December.

I've still been regularly speaking and seeing my mum but we barely mention him. I've told her I feel I am done with him as he's gone too far and I think she understands but she will never leave him, she's lived this way for 40 years. I don't want to lose her but it is hard navigating a relationship when she continued to dtay with him.

Today he sent me an email. He actually for once acknowledged he'd upset me and behaved badly and offered up a sort of apology without actually saying sorry. He said he was mostly to blame. He talked about how hard losing his grandchild was and he didn't know how to deal with it. He tells me he sent the first email by mistake, he was just putting some thoughts down and it was an accident. Much of the email is about how hard he has found things, how hard his life has been and so on. He says he doesn't expect a response but hopes I'll think a little kindlier of him now.

I should also say I am currently 31 weeks pregnant. Obviously this pregnancy has been and still is hugely nerve wracking and my anxiety is sky high. I know he knows I am pregnant, my mum told him when I had my 12 week scan. He has never acknowledged the pregnancy and still hasn't in this latest email.

I don't really know what to do and whether to respond. Part of me wants to reply and tell him all the things I am angry and hurt about and to tell him to stuff his apology and me, me, me crap and leave us alone. I have so many actual dreams at night where I lay into him and say all the things I've kept bottled up for so long. I would love to tell him how I really feel but would it achieve anything?

If we were to ever have any sort of relationship again it would never be the same as before. Dealing with just my mum has definitely been better for me but i know it's hard on her. DH is also very upset with him and wants nothing to do with him. He wouldn't allow dad in the house and thinks we should just continue to live life without him, we have more important things to think about. I agree but there is still a tiny part of me that feels bad and guilty and staying NC especially when this baby is here, even though life is better without him in it. There's still the question of how my mum would be able to visit and spend time with the baby and not him.

Sorry this was so long but I'm all over the place with it. Just wondering what others have done, if anything, in response to a NC parent reaching out? Any thoughts?

It’s great to see that you are getting some professional support and it’s impressive that you are able to understand how your emotional development was compromised by your parents. Seems that you have some clarity now about what boundaries you need in place to ensure that you feel emotionally safe and protective of your own vulnerability and your new little family.

Your DH and his family sound amazing - keep tapping into their support and look to them as a healthy, warm, supportive family model. This will keep showing up the contrast with your parents.

You really have had such a tough time and of all people need to ensure that this next new chapter is precious and beautiful because everyone deserves that. Get your DH and other family and friends to be a buffer to protect and support you from your parents.

How are you doing? Did you manage to get through your DF birthday without anymore harassment from your DM? Do you feel that you able able to intercept feelings of guilt about your DH and switch back to positive thoughts about your own happiness.

@Sssloou thank you for thinking of me. I’ve had to have words with my mum today I’m afraid. We spoke on the phone yesterday and she brought up dads birthday today and I again told her I had no intention of messaging him, she tried again to make excuses for him and I said I wasn’t interested and that I was concentrating on DH and the baby. Unfortunately she text me again this morning asking if I would be sending dad a message today. I was actually at the hospital when she messaged and feeling a bit stressed so I ended up snapping back a message telling her I wasn’t going to and to stop going on about it. I suspect she was getting flack from my dad at home but the fact she kept pushing and wouldn’t respect my boundaries really pissed me off. She is meant to be coming over next week so I’ll have to reiterate that I don’t want to hear anything more from her about me contacting him.

My BFF came over this afternoon, she lives about an hour and a half away so I don’t see her too often but we had a good old catch up and therapy session together so I felt much better for seeing her and getting it all out. I actually feel proud of myself for standing my ground and doing what feels right for me even though it was very alien to actually speak like that to my mum.

I am so sorry that your DM is behaving like that.......is that 4 separate times that you have had to say “No” to her?

You could see each of these as a punch, a manipulation - or both - this is totally disrespectful behaviour on her behalf.

So shocking that you were at the hospital when she is still harassing you - you must be so anxious about giving birth and all she cares about is placating her DH.

Remember these actions. See how far she will go. Why on earth should you be put in a position in your situation where you have to snap at someone.

I am glad to hear that you had the opportunity to talk this through with a trusted friend and have your DH alongside.

Her behaviour is a disgrace in any normal situation but to treat you like this when you are at your most vulnerable is appalling.

Who cares if your DH is putting her under pressure - she could choose to do the right thing and respect your wishes and protect you and your unborn child - but yet again she has thrown you under the bus.

Think v carefully about your boundaries and communicate the consequences to her v v clearly because she is on route to steal your joy here and cause you a lot of unnecessary stress and pain.

@Shefliesonherownwings from your mum's behaviour this will ramp up after the birth. Look after yourself and stay strong.

I am sorry, but not altogether surprised that your mother has acted like this. Its actually not atypical at all.

As I wrote much earlier on your mother cannot be relied upon either as she enables him and is with him for her own reasons. She has singularly failed to protect you from his abuses of you over the years.

She also gets what she wants out of the relationship she has with your dad and she'll never leave. I would leave her to it as well because she will not change either, she is his enabler and his secondary abuser. In a straight fight she would choose her man over you and she will keep on letting you down and or otherwise throw you under the bus.

You will ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with your parents rather than the one you actually got. Its not your fault they are like this and you certainly did not make them that way.

@Sssloou it’s at least 3 times over the past few days I’ve told her I’m not contacting him. I’m so disappointed that she kept asking. I don’t understand why she couldn’t leave it after the first time. It’s really shown me where her liabilities lie and what her priorities are.

I agree this behaviour will increase after the birth. That’s why i want to say to her next week that I don’t want to hear anymore from her about me contacting him including once the baby is here. She’s not to suggest he comes over or I speak to him or reach out in anyway. It’ll be telling to see if she sticks to that.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I agree she will never leave him and she would choose him over me. I know I’m probably still holding out hope she will change but I’m gradually seeing that’s not the case. It’s still so hard for me to give up on her completely though.

I fear that you'll need to lay down some home truths and an ultimatum towards your mum as I agree with the others. She's only going to step this up once your baby arrives and you'll be in a mentally vulnerable place anyway.

I really hope she does listen to you and respect your boundaries.

Hi Sheflies

re your comments in quote marks:-

"I know I’m probably still holding out hope she will change but I’m gradually seeing that’s not the case".

Yes your eyes are indeed becoming more opened now as to the reality of your mother.

"It’s still so hard for me to give up on her completely though".

I realise this, after all you are an adult child of narcissist who has been trained from early childhood to put their needs first with your own needs and wants dead last. You will get there though so keep going!.

Just because you’re now an adult doesn’t mean you somehow magically learn to stop craving the approval you never received as a child. And, until they do some serious work on themselves (which your parents will not do), all adult children of narcissists hope beyond hope that one day their relationships with their parents will stop revolving around their parent’s possessiveness, blame, and need for validation.

Healing from such a traumatic childhood is absolutely a daunting task. Having your own emotional needs unmet for so long may make the notion of recovery seemingly impossible. It’s not. Here are some guidelines for recovery for Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents:

Begin working through the grieving process – allow yourself to grieve the parent you never had.
Acknowledge that you’ve never learned how to properly deal with feelings, and begin to start working through these feelings.
Work toward loving that little child inside you in the ways your Narcissistic Parent never did.
Stop hoping that your Narcissistic Parent will change – he or she will not change.
Remind yourself every day that you need to take care of yourself – those needs for self-care are incredibly important.
Remember – you matter too. A lot.
You do not need to harm yourself or hate yourself. You’re a great person, worthy of love and devotion..
Stop being afraid of your Narcissistic Parent – you are an adult, you survived hell, and you need to reclaim your life as your own. Start by erasing that fear.
Get rid of that feeling of not fitting in or belonging. It was put there by your Narcissistic Parent and it’s got to go.
We are none of us alone – that means you, too!
Find and connect with other Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents.
Find a therapist who specializes in treating Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents.
You’re probably still afraid of “getting into trouble” thanks to the way your Narcissistic Parent treated you. You’re an adult now, and you don’t answer to anyone but yourself.
Release some of that anger. Smash some plates. Scream. Hit a pillow. Anything to let the anger of being an Adult Child of Narcissistic Parent out.
Learn to be autonomous – start by making small decisions for yourself, and learn that you – yes YOU – are in charge of your own life.
You are more than worthy. No matter what your Narcissistic Parent told you, you are more than worthy.
Guilt. Ah, guilt. The best friend and worst enemy of an Adult Child of Narcissistic Parents. This may be the hardest of all the feelings to fight against, but you must. When that guilt is gnawing away at you, tell it to piss off.
You do not need to feel guilty if you decide not to stay in touch with your Narcissistic Parent – it may be for your own good.
Remember that your needs are important. Don’t be afraid to make them know and ask for what you need.

A good rule of thumb here too is that if they are too toxic for YOU to deal with, it will be the same deal for your child too. I would therefore urge you to keep that person well away from both your parents going forward.