What to do when parent you are NC with, reaches out?

[Shefliesonherownwings]

I've posted about this a couple of times before but I need some more advice on this as my dad has been in touch and I don't know what to do next.

I'll try to be brief. I'm an only child and since I was a teen and could form my own opinions, dad and I have clashed. I find him to be controlling, suffocating, selfish, narcissitic, volatile, I could go on. I don't like the way he treats my mum or speaks to her and when I stand up to him/disagree it causes a major argument. We disagree on almost anything of any depth as I consider him racist, sexist, homophobic and so on. We have had numerous arguments and a couple of phases of not speaking but I always end up caving and going back for an easy life. However I used to dread having to see or speak to him because of how he is. He would say we've been very close, i would say we had a surface relationship only.

Last November I lost my DD to stillbirth. DH and I were and still are devestated. My dad acted appallingly, I think grief thief is the right phrase. At a time when everyone else was trying to make things better for us and support us, all he did was make things worse. He upset me hugely the day before DDs funeral and when I later told him how upset I was, he told me that all I ever do is blame him for everything. I didn't reply. A month or so later I received a very long email basically telling me how ungrateful I am, how I've made him ill, nearly caused him and my mum to split up and outlining all he's ever done for me. I didn't respond so we have been NC since December.

I've still been regularly speaking and seeing my mum but we barely mention him. I've told her I feel I am done with him as he's gone too far and I think she understands but she will never leave him, she's lived this way for 40 years. I don't want to lose her but it is hard navigating a relationship when she continued to dtay with him.

Today he sent me an email. He actually for once acknowledged he'd upset me and behaved badly and offered up a sort of apology without actually saying sorry. He said he was mostly to blame. He talked about how hard losing his grandchild was and he didn't know how to deal with it. He tells me he sent the first email by mistake, he was just putting some thoughts down and it was an accident. Much of the email is about how hard he has found things, how hard his life has been and so on. He says he doesn't expect a response but hopes I'll think a little kindlier of him now.

I should also say I am currently 31 weeks pregnant. Obviously this pregnancy has been and still is hugely nerve wracking and my anxiety is sky high. I know he knows I am pregnant, my mum told him when I had my 12 week scan. He has never acknowledged the pregnancy and still hasn't in this latest email.

I don't really know what to do and whether to respond. Part of me wants to reply and tell him all the things I am angry and hurt about and to tell him to stuff his apology and me, me, me crap and leave us alone. I have so many actual dreams at night where I lay into him and say all the things I've kept bottled up for so long. I would love to tell him how I really feel but would it achieve anything?

If we were to ever have any sort of relationship again it would never be the same as before. Dealing with just my mum has definitely been better for me but i know it's hard on her. DH is also very upset with him and wants nothing to do with him. He wouldn't allow dad in the house and thinks we should just continue to live life without him, we have more important things to think about. I agree but there is still a tiny part of me that feels bad and guilty and staying NC especially when this baby is here, even though life is better without him in it. There's still the question of how my mum would be able to visit and spend time with the baby and not him.

Sorry this was so long but I'm all over the place with it. Just wondering what others have done, if anything, in response to a NC parent reaching out? Any thoughts?

Not only has your father not bothered to actually apologise, but he's landed this on you nearing the end of your pregnancy when your fears and emotions are going to be peaking.

No matter what that email said the timing shows that he's not thought about the impact on you whatsoever.

Clearly he has decided he wants a realationship with your baby and this is his first step to getting it. It's not surprising that a man who tried to make his DD losing her child all about him is trying to do that again now.

FWIW the only time my father ever got in touch was when I was pregnant, or grieving. Like your father he picked a time of maximum stress, and he picked it because he knew it would be my weakest time, the time I'd find it hardest to say no. He's selfish and it doesn't sound like he'd bring anything positive to your life or your child's life.

Your Mum will have to deal with any issues herself.

I also cannot shake that desire to be a nice, normal, happy, supportive family but rationally I think I know that will never happen with the sort of person he is.

Yes your desire for a nice normal healthy “family” is spot on. This is the environment that you need to raise an emotionally healthy child. You need a calm and peaceful home where everyone behaves with kindness and respect 24/7 - this engenders a warm, encouraging, emotionally nourishing environment of love and warmth.

This is what you and your baby need. This is what you can have with the three of you and with DH family and other friends who share your values.

However your DF and DM are not capable. Even on their best behaviour you will be hyper vigilant waiting for the sniper attack to destabilise you.

It’s not just about how much hate and abuse YOU can stomach anymore you have your DH and your new baby who deserve a loving radiant life not to be exposed to hurt.

Your DF will pollute this. Don’t give him a chink of light to shatter your happiness and steal your joy like he stole your grief. He is mentally disordered.

You have tried LC - with these dysfunctional, toxic types it doesn’t work. It is just a temptation for him to trample them. It is too exhausting for you to uphold LC - at what net benefit or emotional cost to you.

I hope that you can find the self compassion to cocoon yourself for the next few months with loving radiant people and have the calm joyous birth you deserve and beyond that turn your back away from both your parents and towards your DH family.

You need to visualise your DH as a hyena / snake / Rottweiler - whatever - it’s not if it’s when he will attack because that’s how he is wired. Keep your precious baby and new little family away from this danger.

Yeh, I yearn for my parents to have a bit of insight.

But I am realising now that that is a fantasy and nothing more. For years I thought it was juuuust within reach. Like as if, if I just phrased it differently, if they would just hear me out, if they would just stop interrupting me, stonewalling me, hanging up on me, giving me the silent treatment when I try to communicate with them about what hurt me.

I get it now. It was their agenda to NOT HEAR ME
So this thing I have spent my whole adult life yearning for because it was just in reach, it was never in reach.

That has helped me let go of the fantasy.

OP for the love of deity please stay away from your father. He's only interested in you because you are going to have his grandchild. Your child will be someone else he thinks he can use to get to show you how bad a person you are, before turning on your child when they express their own individuality.

Ensure you don't allow your mother have your child on her own until your child can speak coherently as even if you ban it, she will allow your father to see your child.

Nasty people like your father don't change and so you will never get the normal family you visualise from involving him in your life.

I'll be brief: don't fall for it and remain out of contact. Please.

I just have a feeling though you will fall for it, then after not too long you will see what a big mistake this was.

I know it probably sounds crazy
you've been trained since birth to obey this person, it takes time to undo that, the feeling of obligation to a parent is often very deeply and strongly rooted (such that it feels instinctive) despite the parent being abusive, in someways the abuse strengthens the connection because emotions are higher.
There are positive and helpful emotional bonds and there are also harmful negative emotional bonds. trauma bonding etc

good post @Heffalooomia

thank you:)

Dear @Shefliesonherownwings

You say:

I don't really know what to do and whether to respond. Part of me wants to reply and tell him all the things I am angry and hurt about and to tell him to stuff his apology and me, me, me crap and leave us alone. I have so many actual dreams at night where I lay into him and say all the things I've kept bottled up for so long.

I think you SHOULD write that response. Pour into it everything you are feeling, all the anger and the hurt and the devastation you and your husband felt with you lost your daughter. When your "D"F blamed you for how he felt. When he was, indeed, a "grief thief".

Get all that hurt out of your head and onto paper, or in an email but don't send it!

Don't bottle up those feelings but don't leave the door to your life ajar either, by responding in any way to his self-serving manipulation.

I also don't think that LC would work for you so I'd suggest totally blocking him everywhere. Make a rule in your email account so any emails from him go into a new folder which you can read when feeling stronger or just delete, unread. I only vaguely remember now, but you may be able to nominate a date when anything in that folder automatically deletes after a certain date. Or maybe just mark his emails as junk/spam so it's not in your current In box.

I would never have someone so emotionally destructive in my own life (I went NC with a close family member years ago and never regretted it. In fact I felt calmer for it).

I would certainly never have that person anywhere near my child's life.

If you are wavering, please reread your own first post. There are all the reasons to cut this person out of your life. And protect yourself against your mother too - she will likely become a path for him to reach you.

Please focus on the new life you are growing, on your husband and your own mental health. Nothing is worth putting any of those in jeopardy.

Good luck and strength to you my dear. 🌹

No matter what that email said the timing shows that he's not thought about the impact on you whatsoever

Im afraid I have to disagree.
He knows that the OP will be emotional and vulnerable and so he has chosen to contact her now as he thinks her guard will be down.

Oooops I should have read the rest of your post!
Agree!

I've been on the stately homes threads for many years due to my own past and ongoing problems with parents. The thread can be very upsetting to read however the behaviour of your parents not just your father is breathtaking and really crosses all lines.

I am so sorry that a deeply traumatic time was hijacked and made all about your father. I am so sorry to you and your DH for your loss.

Words fail me for your abhorrent father's behaviour before the funeral and your mum's complicity. She is not blameless in any of this where was she when your father was behaving appallingly, where was her concern for you and your grief as her daughter. Time and time again she is happy for you to endure unimaginable pain at the hands of your father as long as she doesn't have to deal with him.

When your child is born something kicks in perhaps maternal instinct. You will not want your precious child near this man. Your mother will want access to the precious baby and for your father to play grandad. They will push for time alone with the baby and to have the baby overnight. Any kickback or boundary settings from you will result in cries of denying them the chance to be grandparents. They both lost this chance by their cruel behaviour in the days before the funeral.

Your baby's arrival is a wonderful time you just want to be in the cocoon of the three of you. It is a special time. Please do not let them blight this time which they will. Respect what your husband is saying and feeling too.

I too long for a loving mother and father for decent grandparents to my children. They are incapable. My children are older teens now and I have focused on my own wee family of 4 of creating a loving, nurturing family.

Please don't allow them anymore headspace, postnatally you are very vulnerable more so for you with the loss you suffered. Don't let them be a stain on this special time as you embark on being a loving family unit.
Best of luck when the baby comes. Xxx

What would be your reason for wanting to respond? Apart from FOG??

It's a no from me. He hasn't changed. You've been through enough 💐

@Heffalooomia you are dead on with your post. It is so ingrained in me to toe the party line of not rocking the boat that to go against him feels terrifying because whenever I do he blows up and I am like that small scared child again. That's why I am battling with responding and questioning a relationship of some kind because I am kind of 'trained' to do what he wants me to.

Of course the dreams started up again last night so I am going to do my very best not to think about this right now. You are all right that I need to focus on me, DH and the baby for the next few weeks so I won't be responding and if my mum brings it up I'll tell her so in no uncertain terms. I do like the idea of writing out everything I would love to say to him and then filing it away. I'm hoping that might help bring some closure for me. I am also going to speak to my counsellor about it all tomorrow and get her thoughts. Thank you all again.

I completely get it. The fear does fade the longer you are NC.

I am familiar with the mindset, he view's you as a possession of his, he will only ever be happy with complete domination
you HAVE to resist this
but don't fight on his terms because he will pick a battle ground where he can be sure of victory, he wants a hot war that only he can win
freeze him out with a cold war that only you can win

Would it help to send him a non commital message, so that your brain has dealt with it so to speak?
Dd, thanks for your email, as you can imagine it's not come at a great time with our baby being due, you've brought up lots of unhappy memories and it's going to take some time to deal with them. I'll be in touch.

@forrestgreen

Would it help to send him a non commital message, so that your brain has dealt with it so to speak? Dd, thanks for your email, as you can imagine it's not come at a great time with our baby being due, you've brought up lots of unhappy memories and it's going to take some time to deal with them. I'll be in touch.

OP please do not do this as he will take it as you opening communication and try to draw you in further.

Freezing out is only way.

Anger, bullying, dominating are oxygen for your father.

OP, you have excused your mother standing by and allowing you to be abused tour whole life.

She's a really bad mother who has failed to protect her child.

You will see this when your child grows.
How much you love your child.
How it is inconceivable that you would allow your precious child to abused by anyone.

Your mother put herself first and has continued to do so.

She's a conduit for this monster that has tormented you your whole life.

You will see this in the future.
Whether you accept it is another thing.

Your mother is not a good person.
She utterly failed her child and continues to do that to this day.

This thread has made me think about my own situation, which, in similar circumstances to yourself I went NC with my DPs and now I’m LC.

I do agree with others on this thread about how difficult it is to be LC as every contact with my DPs brings back a high level of anxiety in me that no amount of counselling can remove. I don’t regret deciding to be LC as I have teenage DCs that have a good and healthy relationship with my DPs, which I feel that they need in their life at the moment due to the breakup of my marriage. The difference between my DPs and myself is that I put my DCs first, and my DPs put their marriage first.

So, on reflection, in your circumstances it may be healthier for you to maintain NC for now.

Im researching bowen family structures and it talks about becoming less triggered. Apparently the BEING triggered is down to the healthy enmeshment. So Im trying to figure out how to differentiate so completely from my FOO that Im no longer triggered by their projection, denials, stonewalling etc. Doing it for me. They dont deserve. They destroyed my sense of my self growing up.

@Frankiegoes this is why i dont want to declare manifesto style that im nc.
Right now im nc and im not reaching out first (like i always did before).

I am working on myself right now. I want to be less reactionary.

@WiserOlder I am interested in the triggering you mention. I am great at doing the LC. I am totally solid on how I should respond, what to do and not do, then actually make that real. I do it fine. Still, when there is a contact, like there was briefly a week ago due to a birthday, internally I am in a right old state of non-specific distress. I don't know if that makes sense.

You can’t be triggered by something that you are not physically exposed to.

You can be emotionally hi jacked by memories but you can work with a professional to ease this.

When you are raw and vulnerable you need to take time out to recover and heal deep wounds - you can’t continue to expose that wound to the source of the injury to continue to inflict more hurt and pain on the open wound.

NC allows you to put in all of the time and emotional distance to finally heal that wound. IF after that time you choose to expose yourself you may be able to react less to the triggers with your thicker scarred skin or have more focus and strength to hold boundaries - or you most likely your distance will have given you some perspective that you don’t need these interactions and they are damaging for you.

But NC time out has to be part of the journey for anything in the dynamic to shift.

Jerry Wise has a video about your role in the family structure that utilises scapegoating to 'manage' all its shortcomings.
My parents did this in an ASTONISHINGLY text book way. My Dad was depressed and in and out of psychiatric hospitals and I was labelled paranoid, sensitive etc.. the usual. Laughably text book use of scapegoating! Almost laughing.

Anyway as uncomfortable as it is to acknowledge, my parents view of me bothers me so much because of the enmeshment. The golden child is also enmeshed. His videos are very long and he recommends other bowen family structure experts as he goes aling and i watched a few of those clips too.

Obviously the enmeshment is caused by NO boundaries. Bingo. So,, im still trying to find out more here, and trying to find out HOW do i unenmesh?

It is one thing to understand cognitively but the emotional senses of freedom don't always synch up.

So that's my goal. To unenmesh from my FOO, to the point where I am not feeling anxieties about what they think of me.

It's an ongoing project! Im buckling in.

One thing a woman i was listening to said which struck me as sad and true and something that i had preficted is that after the parents of golden child and scapegoat die, scapegoat, if they are already aware of all the toxic patterns, will thrive, but golden children often have an identity crisis when they are 50+

That will be my brother. He sees everything through their lens and believes they were great parents.