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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband Webcam hell!

121 replies

Mama2Cubs · 11/09/2020 10:56

Hi all

I’m having a terrible time with my husband at the moment and I can’t find any threads anywhere that mirror my situation. I’m just wondering if this is one of the most absurd things you have ever heard...

So a while back I discovered my husband using WebCam Girls and he told me that he had done it a couple of times and couldn’t explain why. I tried to forgive him and move past it only to discover that he has actually had a year long online affair with one of them. Telling her he loves her and that they are soulmates. He has spent £100s (if not £1000s!) on WebCam sessions and gifts that he has been sending to her. He has also taken out a £10k loan to ‘buy nice things’- or pay for webcams as I expect! He says the affair moved away from the paid webcam sessions some months ago (he even treated himself to a pay as you go phone especially for it!) but he has continued to reward her with gifts. He has kept me in the dark about our financial position and as a SAHM I trusted him explicitly in looking after our families best interests. I have also discovered he has been looking at very extreme porn. He has now left us to live at his parents house and continue this online affair, he has told me that he will do me the kindness of letting me know if it progresses to a real life relationship. He has lied to me constantly for months, gaslighting me when I had suspicions something was going on. The manipulations and emotional abuse is never ending.

I think I’m looking for some reassurance that it is a good thing we aren’t together anymore. It is just hard as we have been together since we were so young and have small children. It’s all come as such a shock!

Thanks for reading! X

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama2Cubs · 11/09/2020 12:25

Loan is only in his name and not against our property, and he is currently keeping up with payments although it is building interest.

OP posts:
Friendsoftheearth · 11/09/2020 12:29

What an absolute idiot!!
JH christ

Get the lawyers involved, speak to his parents and explain what has happened and how he is being used for money.

FlamedToACrisp · 11/09/2020 12:30

@Deadringer

You are so, so much better off without him. Not only is he an absolute mug, but he is a lying, cheating, selfish tosser, and as for the extreme porn, he sounds like a disgusting misogynist too. Yuck. Reach out to friends and family irl for support and never let him come back.
this
MiniTheMinx · 11/09/2020 12:30

Wow even his parents are ridiculous. Does his mother know about the extreme porn? if he were my son I would be mortified, but I'd want to know why my son was throwing his kids under a bus and not behaving as a decent human being.

fuandylp · 11/09/2020 12:31

Horrible horrible man.
Get to a solicitor as soon as possible and get advice.
You need to divorce this fucker before he pisses any more money up the wall.
Do you both own the property you are living in at the moment?

GabsAlot · 11/09/2020 12:34

a relationship thats hilarious his parents are as stupid as him

youre well rid-if you have a joint accunt take half out now

oakleaffy · 11/09/2020 12:35

@Mama2Cubs
We had a family GP, plenty of kids, nice house, his wife was meant to be a good woman....

Aaaand next thing we know he was in the Media, and was involved with massage parlour girls...They realised he was a GP when his pager bleeped {it was that long ago} and he leapt off the couch to attend an urgent case.

The women began to blackmail him for drugs -Dipipanone- and the daft doctor gave it to them.

It all blew apart..He was jailed, career gone, family gone...So stupid, as the older neighbours at the time said ''Oh he was a wonderful doctor, wonderful.......''

MEN. {Some Men!}

BewilderedDoughnut · 11/09/2020 12:35

He’s an asshole and you’re better off without him. This highlights why being a SAHM and “trusting him explicitly in looking after our families best interests” is and always will be a vulnerable position to be in.

Not a position any woman should ever put themselves in. It’s all fun and games until it’s not!

Friendsoftheearth · 11/09/2020 12:36

It is very important you call his behaviour out. It might feel easier to keep it a secret, less embarrassing, but don't lie for him.

Tell his parents and family the real reason, and do not cower from the truth. He needs to be shown to everyone for what he is, a revolting creepy man that has traded in his wife and children for a scammer, and he is so weak and pathetic he thinks it is real love! Ridiculous.

There is no way back op after this. The trust has gone, protect your assets and your children. Focus on securing your home, passwords and money so that he does not use any more to prop up this scam.

You will be horrified, but better to know now and you can move on

Lifeisabeach09 · 11/09/2020 12:37
Flowers

I can only reiterate what others have said...lawyer and safeguard your finances. He might not take a loan against the house now but things will change. He may, eventually, try to force you to sell. You need to be prepared.

As for his parents, they will not side with you over him. I would cease contact with them.

Sososad1 · 11/09/2020 12:41

He is gross and it is a great thing you aren’t together

WeAllHaveWings · 11/09/2020 12:59

you need to get to a solicitor and find out what you are liable for and get yourself financially separated from him urgently before you find as a married couple you are equally liable for this debt and you are paying for his fetish.

Iloveme30 · 11/09/2020 12:59

Omg what a total fool he is 😂
I'm so sorry this is going on with you but he'll learn his lesson the hard way
You need him gone and thankfully he is now don't let him come back 🤬🤬🤬🤬
She will never meet him in real life that's for sure she's just a gold digger and he's an eejit
Hope you are ok x

BlueJava · 11/09/2020 13:00

I think you need to take control here and stop giving him power over you. Sort out finances and file for divorce and meant it! What an absolute shocker of a guy!

PatriciaPerch · 11/09/2020 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TJ17 · 11/09/2020 13:12

What a sad sad little man! The affair definitely didn't progress from paid at all, she's just getting the money from him however she can. He's as pathetic as they get! Well done you for ending things. You have definitely done the right thing.

I'm sorry for the hurt this must have caused you. But you are deffo better off without!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/09/2020 13:13

he has told me that he will do me the kindness of letting me know if it progresses to a real life relationship

F*ck that!

Please find the strength to draw a line under your marriage now!

I think I’m looking for some reassurance that it is a good thing we aren’t together anymore. It is just hard as we have been together since we were so young and have small children. It’s all come as such a shock!

You are EXACTLY right - it IS a good thing you are no longer together.

This woman will bleed your husband dry - and you and your children will end up suffering as a result. Separate your finances from his ASAP - make sure you protect your own financial interests -you and your children are going to need as much cash and security as you can get.

Check that he hasn't taken out any loans in your joint names (or forged your consent to any in your name). Act quickly.

You must be in a state of great shock and terrible distress - is there anyone IRL who you can trust to support you through this? You will barely be able to think clearly at the moment.

Look after yourself, look after your children.

Have no contact with him other than to sort out finances and do that via lawyers/ intermediaries if you possibly can, because every call or text will churn you up inside.

He's a total tw*t.

chubbyhotchoc · 11/09/2020 13:13

Also his parents sound like idiots. Good luck to them with their man child

RuffleCrow · 11/09/2020 13:13

Blimey it's a very good thing you've split!

Are you aware that 90% of your post is about him and very little about who you are?! That's the first thing you need to get straight. This is your life now. It doesn't mattee what kind of disgusting bastard he is - you need to mentally detach from him and focus on who you are and what your values are. I would say you also need to make a factual co-parenting relationship with him but honestly that depends on what you mean by 'extreme porn'. If it involves children or if it involves women or animals being harmed then it's calling the police to get his hard drive searched so that you've got the evidence there to protect your kids from unsupervised contact (or at least try to).

Dablikeacrap · 11/09/2020 13:15

Haven’t RTFT but that’ll be an extremely one way affair. She probably saw him as a sugar daddy rather than a partner!

TheChristmasPrincess · 11/09/2020 13:17

Big hug!

Just be thankful that you don’t have to live with this loser any more. Seek legal advice and make sure you have some sort of official/legal documentation about financial support for you and your children. Do it sooner rather than later, or else he will blow all of your money on this girl. Don’t be shy about explaining the situation to your legal representative, it will help them understand why you need them to act fast in protecting your money. And start proceedings for a divorce ASAP so that he can’t blow any money you are entitled to on this woman.

And once he realises that he’s been taken for a fool by this woman do not, I repeat, DO NOT go back to him. You deserve so much more and he will just keep doing the same thing over and over again. You are better than his and you deserve respect. Everyone you tell will think he is a pathetic little loser, and that is exactly what he is!

Closetbeanmuncher · 11/09/2020 13:27

Has mum even said to me the trouble is he is such a nice person he didn’t want to upset you or her so kept both relationships going

Being a deluded lying twat clearly runs in the family then.

Seriously OP get to a solicitor and divorce this garbage diver ASAP.

Also get yourself STD tested. If the camming has stopped and he's taken out a 10k loan I don't think I need to spell out to you what's happening.

TheTeaCosyofDoom · 11/09/2020 13:27

How awfully decent of him to promise to give you a heads up when the relationship becomes real. To what end? So that you can divorce him?

To be honest, your OP reads like a divorce petition on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, and as others have said, you will be waiting a long time for this sordid situation to turn into a real relationship.

As far as the in-laws are concerned, blood is always thicker than water and if I were you I would not waste any more of your precious time looking to them for empathy. I had a similar reaction from my mother-in-law years ago. You should instead find yourself a shit-hot divorce lawyer and secure for yourself and your DC the best settlement possible before this lowlife idiot hands all your money over to his lovely camgirl. Look after yourselves, and get as much support from friends as possible. Flowers Flowers Flowers

madcatladyforever · 11/09/2020 13:30

What an absolute deadbeat twat, thank God you are out of it.
Does he not realise this woman doesn't give two shits about him and relies on men being this stupid to provide her with an income.
She would never have a real relationship with her idiot Johns.

Lovemusic33 · 11/09/2020 13:36

I would be concerned about his mental health if he actually believes this woman has feelings for him, she’s doing a job and obviously does it well, she has no intentions of having any kind of real relationship with him or any of her customers, she’s in it for the money.