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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband Webcam hell!

121 replies

Mama2Cubs · 11/09/2020 10:56

Hi all

I’m having a terrible time with my husband at the moment and I can’t find any threads anywhere that mirror my situation. I’m just wondering if this is one of the most absurd things you have ever heard...

So a while back I discovered my husband using WebCam Girls and he told me that he had done it a couple of times and couldn’t explain why. I tried to forgive him and move past it only to discover that he has actually had a year long online affair with one of them. Telling her he loves her and that they are soulmates. He has spent £100s (if not £1000s!) on WebCam sessions and gifts that he has been sending to her. He has also taken out a £10k loan to ‘buy nice things’- or pay for webcams as I expect! He says the affair moved away from the paid webcam sessions some months ago (he even treated himself to a pay as you go phone especially for it!) but he has continued to reward her with gifts. He has kept me in the dark about our financial position and as a SAHM I trusted him explicitly in looking after our families best interests. I have also discovered he has been looking at very extreme porn. He has now left us to live at his parents house and continue this online affair, he has told me that he will do me the kindness of letting me know if it progresses to a real life relationship. He has lied to me constantly for months, gaslighting me when I had suspicions something was going on. The manipulations and emotional abuse is never ending.

I think I’m looking for some reassurance that it is a good thing we aren’t together anymore. It is just hard as we have been together since we were so young and have small children. It’s all come as such a shock!

Thanks for reading! X

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 11/09/2020 11:57

You are definitely better of without him in your life. You need to seek legal advice and file for divorce quickly while there are still some assets left.

He is a complete twat and you and your children deserve better.

AdaColeman · 11/09/2020 12:00

I hope your divorce is already underway, get it done and dusted ASAP while he still has some money left.
Make sure you have your finances secure in accounts that only you can access.

ColleagueFromMars · 11/09/2020 12:00

he's not in a relationship with a cam girl, he's just been moved mental category in her head from random cam girl punter to a regular who is being milked for his "gifts." Sad old tosser.

All the best to you Flowers

babybooyaa · 11/09/2020 12:00

I wonder if he actually realises that it is this woman's job to convince men to fall in love and give them all of their money! She will be talking to multiple men and they will all be giving her money, sending her gifts etc and she won't give two craps about any of them it is just her way of making a living. How embarrassing for him to not realise this and to be blowing money on some random woman's money making scheme! What an idiot! You're well rid, he is a stupid man child.

Ori82 · 11/09/2020 12:00

He's riding for a fall. He thinks she loves him. She doesn't. She is milking him like a cow. And when he runs out of resources she'll leave him high & dry. And then he'll have no-one to run back to. He's been the principal architect in the destruction of his own life.

TheVanguardSix · 11/09/2020 12:02

And please... don't wait for him to let you know how the fucking relationship (sorry! I am SOOOO angry for you. I've been here. I remember this feeling well) progresses! By the time that happens, you'll be at the food bank with your kids in tow. Be strong!! Don't give him 'time' to see how anything fucking progresses. What for? In case it doesn't, what's he going to do? Sidle up next to you at the food bank and say, "Hey Babe, it didn't work out with my Webcam Girl, but see if they have some tinned beans!"? He's literally spunking your security down the broadband.

JudyGemstone · 11/09/2020 12:05

God how embarrassing for his parents! I'd be mortified if my son left his family to move into my home and carry on like this!

What do they make of it all?

Agree you need to divorce him asap, as he has capacity to make (terrible) decisions there's nothing to stop him pissing away all your money.

LilyLongJohn · 11/09/2020 12:06

I'm so sorry he's done this to you, what an idiot he is!

She will have half a dozen men that's she's doing exactly the same thing without it's a business and she's earning money off stupid men like him.

Yes this is a good thing for you, it may not feel like it, but at least you're not living a lie anymore Thanks

GilbertMarkham · 11/09/2020 12:08

He's a sleazy, unfaithful, degenerate idiot wanker.

And you better gtfo of there with as much money/assets as you can before he spunks it all away.

The loan is in his name only, I take it.

Her legal advice and start proceedings immediately. Tell them he's been in a scam type "relationship" with a sex worker for some time, is addicted to paying for web cam sex, has spent family money, gotten into serious debt etc.

GilbertMarkham · 11/09/2020 12:08

*Get legal advice

GilbertMarkham · 11/09/2020 12:09

You're better away from him due to the extreme porn thing, not even touching the cheating and getting into debt.

GilbertMarkham · 11/09/2020 12:10

Are you on the mortgage/deeds op, presuming you own your home? If you're not he could potentially remortgage or sell without your knowledge.

Thatbliddywoman · 11/09/2020 12:14

I am fairly familiar with camgirls. She will be loving having a decent income from his mugass, trust me. I wouldn't want to be with soemone so stupid,regardless of anything else. He's quite willing to sacrifice your marriage for this of all things! I mean, bad enough being left for a real life relationship with someone else but this is ridiculous. What an absolute dullard.
Get your finances in order. He will come crawling back.

MiniTheMinx · 11/09/2020 12:16

What a stupid man. Just keep telling yourself that and then get a good solicitor.

I could say that you'll meet a decent man yada yada.....but that isn't what you need to hear or think right now. Unfortunately life is moving this way, more and more disconnected individuated lonely porn hound men, who are unable to function in healthy normal sexual and romantic relationships. Its sad and worrying, their sexuality is being hijacked and their pockets emptied by this phenomena. So, instead I shall say that no woman should have to support this or feel obliged to accept it. You deserve more in life than existing to wash his socks, care for his kids, and keep him company in life whilst he demeans himself and you. Its a perversion of the human need to feel connected, loved, desired and physically rewarded, and I see no good reason for any woman to pursue a relationship devoid of all of what she needs so she can have the drudge of supporting a stupid naive and empty husk of a man.

There are good men out there, but that's not a good motivation to leave. Better instead to remind yourself that you do not deserve this life he is dictating to you.

chubbyhotchoc · 11/09/2020 12:16

Actually I know if two people whose husbands did this. Both ridiculous saddos. I would be siphoning off the money and draining the accounts to protect your children while i was in the prices of divorcing him. Now he's out of the house he will just spiral and throw more money at this woman who will be rubbing her hands with glee and laughing at him.

Xenia · 11/09/2020 12:17

Webcam girl will not be moving this into a real relationshp with him. He is being scammed financially by her really and I bet his parents aren't happy about that.

You will be entitled to interim maintenance pending a final divorce finances hearing or agreement so do make sure he is paying what he should for you and the children. If you are not on the house deeds/title register a notice of your rights on that with the land registry.

Merriden · 11/09/2020 12:17

He is an idiot who believes a webcam girl is interested in him and you are so much better off without him.

I agree with other posters, secure your financial and living situations first, and then focus on you and your kids and move on.

MiniTheMinx · 11/09/2020 12:19

I'd also be tempted to tell his parents. In fact I'd shame him to everyone that I considered needed to know.....that's everyone he seeks approval from and everyone whose opinion matters to me.

Original poster
Mama2Cubs · 11/09/2020 12:21

Thank you all for the supportive messages! Friends and family have all said the same but it is just reassuring that people who don’t know us think the same based on the facts. I realise it is completely obvious that I am better off rid but I think the shock of it all and losing what I thought was a great family life and relationship has just made me lose all confidence.

For those asking about his parents, I actually called them and told them what happened. During that conversation they were shocked and appalled but since then they are supporting him! His mum even said to me the trouble is he is such a nice person he didn’t want to upset you or her so kept both relationships going!!!

His mum has even lied to me, when I called her to tell her that I had found out the “relationship” was continuing and that he has been lying to us all about that, she pretended she didn’t know...but she did!!!

They have taken him shopping to buy new furniture for his teenage bedroom, and I’ve heard he has spent the weekend painting it. 😬🙈

OP posts:
Queenoftheashes · 11/09/2020 12:21

Wow what an absolute loser. You are well rid.

Beautiful3 · 11/09/2020 12:22

Oh my gosh. I would be concerned with being lumbered with his debt. I would seek divorce and separation of finance immediately. You cannot possibly stay with this man. He is happy to spend your familys money on a stranger, he wants over?! He is disgusting for sending gifts.

oakleaffy · 11/09/2020 12:22

@Mama2Cubs
I knew a gay chap via work who lived with a much older man ..
One time the younger one {30's} told me he was ''In love'' with a woman...whom he was meeting in a massage parlour!

He was asking if it was likely that a relationship would come of it?...
I advised him that she was using him for money only, and to not get any hopes up.
He too bought her presents..
Sex workers probably get a lot of this type of thing, and will be pumping him for every pound/dollar /euro they can get.

Get a divorce ASAP.

Oldraver · 11/09/2020 12:24

The loan is in his name only, I take it.

If they're married I think it's bloody OP's debt as well

littlekipling · 11/09/2020 12:25

I know this must be a very hard time for you right now but trust me, getting rid of him is the best thing that could happen for you. Imagine spending the rest of your life with someone so utterly deluded and childish that he genuinely thinks that's love. Added to that he risked the financial security of his family for it. You're now free to find a loving, genuine man who will give you so much happiness and not put you at risk of bankruptcy/ losing your home to buy things for an online gold digger. He's got serious issues, mourn the loss of the relationship but move on with your head held high. Things can (and will) only get better for you now. In a year's time you'll look back on this and wish you could reassure yourself it all works out well I promise you. Huge hugs xxx

oakleaffy · 11/09/2020 12:25

The extreme porn alone would be enough for most women to want a divorce...
So sorry you have had to suffer this shock.