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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think my date is cheating

79 replies

Waitinginthewings · 11/09/2020 07:19

I met someone on Tinder a few weeks ago. He lives over an hour away but seemed keen. We've only met once- had a brilliant date- but have chatted on phone, skyped daily. I like him a lot so far. He tells me he lives with his sister so we can't go to her house unless she's away. He has told me a complicated story that in effect gives him lots of reasons to cancel on me/ not be available. He says his best friend is very ill so sometimes he ends calls fairly abruptly when he needs him, does several late night evening activities. He's supposed to be visiting me at the weekend but keeps emphasising he needs to leave by 5 because he's going to stay at a friend's house. Apparently he stays at one friends house once a week and stays over...a male friend..says they just have a drunken night. He works in a 'respectable job' - something a bit like a headteacher. It all seems a bit odd to me. Obviously we've only just started dating so he can do what he likes but this doesn't sound right, does it? I'm not imaging it, am I? It does sound like there's someone else, doesn't it? I am starting to think sister might be his wife. But he does chat to me loudly every night and skype. Once someone knocked on his door- said it was his sister telling him to be quiet.
I went through some really hard stuff about a year ago- he has been through same. (That bits definitely true- its not something he could lie about). It's something quite rare. I think partly coz of this I feel a real connection to him. I don't want to lose him if he isn't cheating.

OP posts:
LockdownLoopy · 11/09/2020 07:21

Wife and kids

AllNewThings · 11/09/2020 07:21

@LockdownLoopy

Wife and kids
Yep.
LongPauseNoReply · 11/09/2020 07:22

I third wife and kids. Run away now!

molifly14 · 11/09/2020 07:22

It all sounds a bit suspect you're right, does he leave his phone about when he's with you or hide it away?

He's given you lots of reasons why he isn't available therefore I would be wary, how frequently do you have contact? I would
Keep your guard up for now. Do you have him on social media?

Dozer · 11/09/2020 07:25

You think he’s cheating on someone, with you?

You sound too invested, it’s been one date. Whether or not he’s lying he’s making clear he has v little time to date. Wouldn’t spend too much time/energy on him.

Dozer · 11/09/2020 07:26

Sorry, not that he HAS little time, but that dating (you) isn’t a priority.

Nothavingfunrightnow · 11/09/2020 07:26

This sounds far too complicated and I'll bet my bottom dollar it's because he's a lying chest.

Don't waste one more second of your time with him. You say you're afraid of losing him... You'll be losing far more in a year or two's time when the shit hits the fan.

DeadSouth · 11/09/2020 07:28

He’s definitely got a wife and kids. Your the other women not the one being cheated on

DumDaDumDum · 11/09/2020 07:33

Wife and kids.

Definitely do some digging. Find him on social media etc,

WiserOlder · 11/09/2020 07:33

Sister = wife

:-(

OP I did a bit of internet dating and if he doesn't ring you in the evenings it's a warning because most people get home from work and then feel/are free. Married/partnered up men will be the opposite, trying to arrange everything during the day and quiet at night.

Why be afraid of losing something that isn't right.

Reject him, tell him you're not on the same page you're not and then take your time.

category12 · 11/09/2020 07:35

Yes, you're the bit on the side.

Waitinginthewings · 11/09/2020 07:35

Dozer' Yes- I agree. I meant I think he might be cheating on someone with me. If it was anyone else, I wouldn't care- I'd just let them go. I think it just because of this thing we have in common (and hes gorgeous) that I don't want to lose him. I won't find anyone else like this. But obviously if he's cheating on someone, I'm not interested.

No- he does leave his phone around and has flicked through emails/ photos with me.

I think I've got my answer. Shame.

OP posts:
Ernieshere · 11/09/2020 07:37

But he does chat to me loudly every night and skype His wife works nights?

I expect he knocked on his own door too.

ivykaty44 · 11/09/2020 07:40

This isn't a big red flag.........

Its a chap on a megaphone shouting that this guy is having an affair with you or trying to start one

category12 · 11/09/2020 07:42

If it was anyone else, I wouldn't care- I'd just let them go. I think it just because of this thing we have in common (and hes gorgeous) that I don't want to lose him. I won't find anyone else like this.

You've only met once, fgs. Get a grip. You don't know him, you're overvaluing him and his behaviour is waaaay in the red zone, whoop whoop bullshit alarm!! Come on now.

Onlythepoets · 11/09/2020 07:43

The leaving at 5 (pm?) is suspicious. Why can’t he cancel the boys’ night if he’s seeing you?

Onlythepoets · 11/09/2020 07:44

Why is he visiting your place? For a shag?

Techway · 11/09/2020 07:46

You have only met him once, keep that in mind. Do you plan on seeing him in your house?

Also you are explaining why you feel bonded, because of common experience. That's giving a false sense of connection.

Never be afraid to let someone go, your instincts are screaming out this isn't right. You just need to listen and act.

WhoWouldHaveThoughtThat · 11/09/2020 07:47

He works in a 'respectable job'

Could he be a secret agent?

That could explain everything...
sister = M
sick friend = Q
wife = W Hmm

WiserOlder · 11/09/2020 07:47

@Waitinginthewings so he's attractive and for the one meeting you had, he was good company. That is what you mean. You cannot mean that you will never meet anybody else like him. He may be better looking than average but so what, if he is compartmentalising you, living with his sister Hmm and focusing on dating while living with his sister rather than getting his own place so that he can move out and not have to depend on his sister, then he is Not All That.

Midnightsky1 · 11/09/2020 07:49

The ill mate who needs him at short notice is very suspect.

WiserOlder · 11/09/2020 07:50

Ps I agree with the poster who said you're over valuing him. And you're under valuing yourself!

You don't lie to your dates do you? He probably does.

You know this deep down because you say you're afraid of losing him. ONE DATE IN. He will sleep with you and then he will text you (if you're lucky) to say that his friend needs him and he has to help his sister with the kids and then that'll be it.

You can tell dates the truth because you have nothing to hide. Value that. There are men who want that. You have more value than he does.

WiserOlder · 11/09/2020 07:51

@Midnightsky1

The ill mate who needs him at short notice is very suspect.
Yeh, you gotta hand it to him, nice bit of stage setting there.
Whatsnewpussyhat · 11/09/2020 07:52

I went through some really hard stuff about a year ago- he has been through same. (That bits definitely true- its not something he could lie about). It's something quite rare

People can lie about anything and everything. He's manipulating you. Even on the off chance this one thing is true, the rest is bullshit and you know it.

Lipz · 11/09/2020 08:04

It does sound like he's married.

It's very strange that he wants to leave by 5pm, surely a new relationship you want to spend as much time on the date, he can see mates any time.

Do you know where he lives? Could you drive out and sus things out or tell him you'll drive out and collect him and head off out and that you don't need to come into his 'sister's house'. You'll know by his response if he really tries to put you off. If someone has nothing to hide they won't mind you picking them up.

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