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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think my date is cheating

79 replies

Waitinginthewings · 11/09/2020 07:19

I met someone on Tinder a few weeks ago. He lives over an hour away but seemed keen. We've only met once- had a brilliant date- but have chatted on phone, skyped daily. I like him a lot so far. He tells me he lives with his sister so we can't go to her house unless she's away. He has told me a complicated story that in effect gives him lots of reasons to cancel on me/ not be available. He says his best friend is very ill so sometimes he ends calls fairly abruptly when he needs him, does several late night evening activities. He's supposed to be visiting me at the weekend but keeps emphasising he needs to leave by 5 because he's going to stay at a friend's house. Apparently he stays at one friends house once a week and stays over...a male friend..says they just have a drunken night. He works in a 'respectable job' - something a bit like a headteacher. It all seems a bit odd to me. Obviously we've only just started dating so he can do what he likes but this doesn't sound right, does it? I'm not imaging it, am I? It does sound like there's someone else, doesn't it? I am starting to think sister might be his wife. But he does chat to me loudly every night and skype. Once someone knocked on his door- said it was his sister telling him to be quiet.
I went through some really hard stuff about a year ago- he has been through same. (That bits definitely true- its not something he could lie about). It's something quite rare. I think partly coz of this I feel a real connection to him. I don't want to lose him if he isn't cheating.

OP posts:
fuandylp · 11/09/2020 09:48

Sister... my hind leg...

Anyway, whether he's cheating or not, he's not available for whatever reason. He ends phone calls abruptly because of a sick friend or his "sister" knocking on the door. He's out staying at friends' every week. He can visit you but has to be away by 5.
Says he does a lot of late night activities I bet

Basically he does not have time to date you and you deserve more than this. Even if the reasons he is giving are true, can you really be bothered with this? Being an afterthought in someone else's life?
Get rid and find someone who is free to spend time with you without all these complications

category12 · 11/09/2020 09:56

I find it strange that he would go on Tinder- and use lots of clear pictures of himself. Anyone could spot him!

Calculated risk.

Chances of being spotted by someone in community ÷ chances of that person knowing and telling partner (low, considering range of replies we have here on subject) ÷ level of complacency he can gaslight her ("it's my old profile, before we met/where me met", "it must be one of my mates pranking" "fake profile/I've been hacked" etc).

EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide · 11/09/2020 10:04

His wife works nights/evenings and he has to leave at 5 to go and take over with the kids so she can get ready and leave for work.

Or, he sounds so unavailable that he could actually even be a mental health patient in supported housing. He might only have certain unescorted free time!

BewilderedDoughnut · 11/09/2020 10:17
  1. At the very least he has a wife but chances are he also has kids.
  1. I went through some really hard stuff about a year ago- he has been through same. (That bits definitely true- its not something he could lie about). It's something quite rare

I’d bet my life on this being bullshit.

I’d walk away now. Too many reds flags! 🚩

Aerial2020 · 11/09/2020 11:13

He's feeding you bull crap

The thing with his friend sounds like nonsense

Midnightsky1 · 11/09/2020 11:18

When you had your one date, did you actually meet him in the evening? It sounds like he has lots of reasons why he can’t do evenings/nights.

Aerial2020 · 11/09/2020 11:27

He could be telling you anything about his hard times to gain your sympathy

Riv12345 · 11/09/2020 11:38

Go with your gut

I'm pretty sure you will tbh
You deserve better xx

Waitinginthewings · 11/09/2020 11:43

My thoughts were-we've only just started dating-we aren't serious-of course he's going to have lots of priorities above me. I hardly expected him to drop his friends, commitments for me. But you are all right, he clearly isn't that interested either because he already has a partner or because he's just not that interested in giving me much time.

OP posts:
dangerrabbit · 11/09/2020 11:50

He's an attached time waster. Bin.

Waitinginthewings · 11/09/2020 11:58

Actually he's given me his full address. I know exactly where he lives. I guess I could drive past and pop by but I'm not sure if I can be bothered.

The thing we have in common-for me it's a physical thing so not something I could really hide-sort of thing I felt It was only fair to mention beforehand. Obviously he then asked questions. I think it's impossible he's lying about it (though I'm now doubting myself).

OP posts:
popcornlover · 11/09/2020 12:02

Dating nowadays is a nightmare. So glad I don’t have to do it. Men just love keeping their options open. There will always be at least one other woman somewhere. Tell him he’s a baffoon and you will feel better for it than getting sucked in and feeling hurt later.

Secretlifeofme · 11/09/2020 12:04

I think the sick friend as an excuse is the plot of a play by Oscar Wilde. He's playing you OP

fuandylp · 11/09/2020 12:08

The thing we have in common-for me it's a physical thing so not something I could really hide-sort of thing I felt It was only fair to mention beforehand. Obviously he then asked questions. I think it's impossible he's lying about it (though I'm now doubting myself).

So he asked about it and then he said he had the same thing?
What sort of questions did he ask? Did the questions sound as if he knew about it too or were they questions that someone who has not experienced the same thing would ask?
I can't think of an example of what I mean.... well I'll try asthma which I have. If someone asked me stuff like "Do you use a spacer device? I use one and it helps", or "Do you also have problems with people wearing strong perfume?" That sort of thing would indicate that he knows what he's talking about.
If he asked just general stuff like "Do you have to take medication?" "How long have you had it?"
Then he claims he has the same thing but doesn't really give you any new or different information relating to him IYSWIM, then he could be faking. Eg. you say you are on such and such medication and he says he is too....
Also, people can google and get lots of information so if he now appears to be informed about whatever it is, doesn't mean he has the same thing.

Branleuse · 11/09/2020 12:11

wife and kids. 100%

BewilderedDoughnut · 11/09/2020 12:17

Actually he's given me his full address. I know exactly where he lives. I guess I could drive past and pop by but I'm not sure if I can be bothered

This is crazy talk. You’ve only known him a few weeks. You’re way too invested. Bin him and find someone worth your time.

Throw him back into the pond with the rest of the trash!

Crystal87 · 11/09/2020 12:25

He's definitely hiding something even if he's not attached. I wouldn't waste my time, I prefer people who are open and upfront.

Crystal87 · 11/09/2020 12:27

And let me guess, none of his friends or family know about you. When it gets to the point of getting serious and meeting his family that's when he will drop you.

Dontletitbeyou · 11/09/2020 15:26

Don’t drive by his house , esp as it’s over an hour away . There’s no point , what are you going to learn ? He’s not going to be sitting outside on his wall .
Think the overwhelming majority are in agreement , he’s cheating on someone with you . Life’s too short for this nonsense . Be happy you found out early

Justanotherfaceinthecrowd · 11/09/2020 15:53

@Ernieshere

But he does chat to me loudly every night and skype His wife works nights?

I expect he knocked on his own door too.

I worked nights and this is how my ex husband got away with an affair. I'm thinking wife and kids. And she is a doctor/nurse/healthcare...
Zaphodsotherhead · 11/09/2020 18:40

Unless he is personally nursing this 'sick friend' - why the hell would he suddenly be needed at short notice?

And he may have given you 'a' full address. Which may even be his sister's. Doesn't mean he really lives there.

londonscalling · 11/09/2020 20:55

I bet the address he has given you is not his!

cosmicbabe · 11/09/2020 21:49

@Waitinginthewings

Actually he's given me his full address. I know exactly where he lives. I guess I could drive past and pop by but I'm not sure if I can be bothered.

The thing we have in common-for me it's a physical thing so not something I could really hide-sort of thing I felt It was only fair to mention beforehand. Obviously he then asked questions. I think it's impossible he's lying about it (though I'm now doubting myself).

Ooh yes do a drive by and report back. Would love to find something out for real.
Cherrygirl3 · 11/09/2020 21:58

Maybe search his name on 192.com op? It will tell you if someone else lives at his address. Has he mentioned his sister's name?

strappedup · 11/09/2020 22:45

well does he also have physical evidence of this shared experience?

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