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Original poster

I think my date is cheating

79 replies

Waitinginthewings · 11/09/2020 07:19

I met someone on Tinder a few weeks ago. He lives over an hour away but seemed keen. We've only met once- had a brilliant date- but have chatted on phone, skyped daily. I like him a lot so far. He tells me he lives with his sister so we can't go to her house unless she's away. He has told me a complicated story that in effect gives him lots of reasons to cancel on me/ not be available. He says his best friend is very ill so sometimes he ends calls fairly abruptly when he needs him, does several late night evening activities. He's supposed to be visiting me at the weekend but keeps emphasising he needs to leave by 5 because he's going to stay at a friend's house. Apparently he stays at one friends house once a week and stays over...a male friend..says they just have a drunken night. He works in a 'respectable job' - something a bit like a headteacher. It all seems a bit odd to me. Obviously we've only just started dating so he can do what he likes but this doesn't sound right, does it? I'm not imaging it, am I? It does sound like there's someone else, doesn't it? I am starting to think sister might be his wife. But he does chat to me loudly every night and skype. Once someone knocked on his door- said it was his sister telling him to be quiet.
I went through some really hard stuff about a year ago- he has been through same. (That bits definitely true- its not something he could lie about). It's something quite rare. I think partly coz of this I feel a real connection to him. I don't want to lose him if he isn't cheating.

OP posts:
NewAutumnName · 11/09/2020 08:10

His 'sister' knocks on the door telling him to be quiet! Yet he is a headteacher or something similar.... oh my

Wife and kids

Original poster
Waitinginthewings · 11/09/2020 08:10

Thanks everyone. When I said I won't find anyone else like him, I just meant someone who has been through same as me, who accepts me despite/ because of it. I didn't mean I'll never find anyone as good looking..

Because of his job, he must be well known in his community so I find it strange that he would go on Tinder- and use lots of clear pictures of himself. Anyone could spot him!

I guess his search criteria is probably people over an hour away...

You are right-I know he is lying. I just didn't want it to be true.

OP posts:
NewAutumnName · 11/09/2020 08:11

@Waitinginthewings

You cannot lose what you don't have!

You don't have him. You have had one date. He suddenly ends calls. He isn't flexible, he isn't present. You don't 'have him' therefore you cannot lose him

Hiccupiscal · 11/09/2020 08:19

Call him out on it. After one date, what have you got to loose? Ask him outright.

Then fuck him off regardless, its a none starter op, and you're much too invested in someone who's already told you that you are not priority. This wont get better...

Notcoolmum · 11/09/2020 08:20

I think you know what to do here. You may have a shared experience but you have met once and been chatting for a few weeks. Call time on this one now before he gets under your skin anymore.

Lots of things done add up. If he's high profile with a good career why is he living with his sister. What about having an ill friend would make you have to end calls abruptly. Why would you arrange a date with someone to have to leave by 5 on that day? (I would question why you'd accept that as a date. My response would be that he wasn't free and to arrange it for another time.)

joystir59 · 11/09/2020 08:23

You don't know this man. You are not in a relationship with him. Get a grip OP

joystir59 · 11/09/2020 08:23

A date cannot cheat on you. You are not a couple.

Rainbowshine · 11/09/2020 08:29

When I said I won't find anyone else like him, I just meant someone who has been through same as me, who accepts me despite/ because of it.

@Waitinginthewings there are many men who will not have the shared experience that will accept you and will be respectful of the impact that has on you. A perfect match doesn’t have to have everything in common with you, they just need to be able to listen and empathise and behave decently towards you.

orangejuicer · 11/09/2020 08:34

joystir OP clarified that she thought he was cheating on someone else with her, not cheating on her.

LadyH846 · 11/09/2020 08:35

I think this is very suspect... I wouldn't waste any more time on this man.

Midnightsky1 · 11/09/2020 08:37

Even my elderly parents don’t need me at such short notice that I have to end a call.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 11/09/2020 08:40

He has probably researched this one thing you feel connected to, and used it to manipulate you. I know you've realised now but don't give too much away after one date because some men will just say what they think you want to hear in order to get what THEY want

drumandthebass · 11/09/2020 08:41

Definitely his wife. I remember when I7 or 18 somebody that I liked asked me out. I saw their car because they lived in the same area, with a child's cars seat in and he told me it was his sisters. Needless to say i didn't believe him or go out with him

WiserOlder · 11/09/2020 08:44

@Waitinginthewings trust the intuition that is there.

You felt it wasn't adding up but you silenced that.

In time, if you work on valuing yourself, you will get turned off very quickly by this kind of fishy bull. So you won't need to endlessly dialogue with yourself and ''counsel'' yourself in to ending it. You will just feel on a very visceral level, eughhghghghgghg, and you will be the one to walk away.

overacupofcoffee · 11/09/2020 08:47

Unannounced visit or cool off until you have been to his house and had a look for yourself.
I would imagine a sister really would not mind only the stay overs.
Some people are genuinely busy but make
Time so do not be quick to chase him until you suss it out.
Don't be quick to be walked over either it's tinder and it's fun and games for some.
I would be keeping your options open and carry on dating with others!

SendHelp30 · 11/09/2020 08:47

You don’t want to loose him?? You’ve had one date?

WiserOlder · 11/09/2020 08:53

@overacupofcoffee I bet he has been far too vague about where his sister lives !!!

CarolVordermansArse · 11/09/2020 08:56

He leaves his phone about because he has another phone with his home life on it. The phone he is using with you is like a 'punting' phone.

SanFrancisco49er · 11/09/2020 08:56

I'm usually quite laid back about things and willing to give the benefit of the doubt but even I'm pretty sure this is not at all what it seems!
And even if it somehow miraculously is, it sounds like a lot of boundaries to give you on the 1st date? Not worth the hassle either way I would say.
I would however ask him directly as I am generally curious and would have nothing to lose in this situation. Something along the lines of ' I've been thinking about what you said about XYZ (house/calls/leaving5pm etc) and it sounds like you have an unusually complicated life. I'm going to be honest as you have been with me (!) and say that in time, if we were to move forward, I would expect some flexibility in those areas, what do you think?'
Just to see his reaction and excuses! (Disclaimer, if i was actually interested in a guy I wouldnt say this after 1 date but you're clearly onto a loser here so why not?!)

geordiema77 · 11/09/2020 08:59

" I just meant someone who has been through same as me, who accepts me despite/ because of it."
This is called "mirroring" and I suspect in this case, he is lying about having gone through the same thing as you in order to establish a connection. It's a "hook" I'm afraid.
Well done though for recognising something isn't right at the outset. It is heart breaking to realise you've been played but good on you for trusting your gut instinct

geordiema77 · 11/09/2020 09:02

medium.com/psychology-self-healing/a-manipulation-tactic-mirroring-7ea98b66ffcf

Explains it better

Potterpotterpotter · 11/09/2020 09:06

If you have his name can’t you google/Facebook him.

See what his profile says. Or put his mobile number into google / Facebook as if he’s linked it that would show up.

He sounds attached. Also it’s really easy for him as you live so far away.

Wellthatsjustbs · 11/09/2020 09:09

Wow sounds so similar to what happened to me, ex was cheating on his dp with me.

Told me he lived with his DM who didnt approve of me having DC (reason I couldn't go to his house)

Had to be home by a certain time (time she got home from work)

Had to spend 'quality time unninterrupted' with his dm on a sunday (his and his dp would visit her parents for lunch).

Always started an argument on birthdays, xmas and valentines day (obviously he needed to show face at home)

He skyped me at home but always made excuses why he wouldn't show me around his house, or his bedroom (obviously photos and her stuff etc)

He always seemed to answer his phone in the bathroom and only after it rung for ages (clearly had to sneak away and hide to take the call. Except during the hours she was at work. She worked different hours to him)

We lived close by to each other and a few times I caught him out and about when he said he was at home busy (always had a plausible excuse involving some type of lovely surprise for me).

3 years this went on, it got to the point I stuck around just to find out the truth, but for a very long time he kept me dangling because everything he said did sound plausible.

Btw, the person telling him to keep it down while you he was skyping you at home could very well have been his dp. He could've told her it's a business/ work call. Might explain why she never entered into the room. Maybe she was trying to get their baby to sleep Hmm

MilkyBarKidd · 11/09/2020 09:10

Ending a call due to a sick friend?? Why would this be necessary?

seensome · 11/09/2020 09:25

He's really unavailable isn't he, yes very suspicious but even if he wasn't cheating he still isn't giving you enough of his time, a man that wants to impress a lady is never in a rush to end calls and go home by 5pm.