Partner sending me porn [graphic description]

[IAmFleshIAmBone]

Sorry if this is the wrong place for this, but I felt posting it here would get responses from like-minded people, rather than from those who may not understand where I'm coming from.

Last night my partner sent me a message containing a video of a woman with a contraption forcing her mouth open. Attached to it was a full condom. I didn't watch any further but you can imagine what happened. He was laughing as I watched the first part and saying "just watch it just watch it".

I have been, for the last year I would say, becoming much more vocal about my feminist views. He says he understands. He says he respects women. How can he when he is sending me what is essentially the most horrifying type of porn you can imagine?

He said he is 99% sure it was consensual (fucking bullshit how would he know), and that he just wanted to see my reaction. I feel like this is a massive erosion of my boundaries because he knows how strongly I feel about porn.

I really needed to get this off my chest as I can't stop thinking about it. I'm not sure how to move on from it either. He doesn't understand feminism or respect women, does he? I have to say this is a bit out of character, however recently he has also pushed me into looking at pictures of animals that have been killed by other animals, after I told him I didn't want to see it.

Am I overreacting?

[Title edited by MNHQ to include warning]

I think you would get some useful advice in /Relationships.
Personally I would have nothing more to do with this man.

Jesus no! I'd be horrified if my DH sent me that, or forced me to look at the pictures you mention, you're not BU at all. Is this a long-standing relationship or relatively new? I'd be rethinking either way tbh.

Yes, Relationships may be less brutal in responses.

I'd buy one and force him to open up and enjoy!

Or rather he'd be dumped.

How long have you been together? Cos it sounds as though its long enough for him to feel comfortable pushing yur boundaries and getting his jollies in your discomfort without thinking you'd leave!

I doubt anything he could say or do would induce me to lay so much as a hand on him kindly!

You are not overreacting. He is gross...

I didn't post in relationships as I feel like a lot of people on here are pro-porn? But you're possibly right, maybe I should ask to have the thread moved.

It's not a new relationship no, six years. He has sent me gross videos before but nothing that I would consider porn or anything offensive like this. I'm really still in shock as to why he would think this was acceptable.

I knew someone like this (mercifully as a "friend" who rapidly became an ex-friend, rather than a boyfriend). His response to finding out that I was struggling with the aftermath of child sexual abuse disclosure in a close friend was to start to send me an endless stream of really offensive jokes about "nonces and paedos." It is a form of getting off on trampling over women's boundaries. And he was (as it turned out) a really, really nasty man - I later discovered that he had anally raped another friend of mine he was in an on-off relationship with.

Dump the motherfucker. You do not need him in your life.

And even if you move this thread to relationships, chances are you'll get a near unanimous "LTB" over there as well (barring the one or two stepford wives who always turn up with the minority opinion).

That would make me deeply uncomfortable and I can really see why you are asking for opinions.
It's both a deeply troubling image in itself that he has sought out and then laughing and watching your reaction is really creepy and unsettling.
I think he is pushing your boundaries and would actually be quite concerned about what kind of porn he is watching by himself.
Do you see a future with him?

He doesn’t respect you, he thinks it’s funny to upset you. Is that the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with?

That’s quite aside from what the video was about.

I knew someone like this (mercifully as a "friend" who rapidly became an ex-friend, rather than a boyfriend). His response to finding out that I was struggling with the aftermath of child sexual abuse disclosure in a close friend was to start to send me an endless stream of really offensive jokes about "nonces and paedos."

Well this is another thing, he knows I've been raped and sexually abused too, which I've discussed at length with him, so why he would send me any porn, let alone the most violent and abusive stuff is beyond me.

Does anyone know how I can have the thread moved to relationships please?

What could he possibly say by way of explanation that would make this ok?
It was 'banter'? It was 'funny'? He thought you'd like it?
Don't let him push you further OP. Listen to your instincts and discomfort.

Do you see a future with him?

Now? I don't know. I feel sick.

Dump him

@Brandaris I said exactly that to him, that he doesn't respect my boundaries.

No, it's not the kind of person I want to be in a relationship with. I'm in shock, until recently he didn't do anything like this.

OP, this is horrific I'm so sorry you're going through this. This is a man who's not only happy to violate your clear boundaries, he is enjoying blatantly doing so and watching your reactions. It also sounds like he is escalating his behaviour which is concerning. Do you live together?

If you want to move it click report on your post and ask MNHQ to move to relationships.

What could he possibly say by way of explanation that would make this ok?
It was 'banter'? It was 'funny'? He thought you'd like it?
Don't let him push you further OP. Listen to your instincts and discomfort.

Literally nothing. Nothing would make it OK.

I don’t think you are at all. He is pushing against boundaries that you have clearly set which would concern me by itself even before I started trying to analyse what those images told me about him as a person

I couldn't keep seeing a person like this. I wouldn't be able to forgive him thinking this video was funny, and not utterly revolting. Every time we disagreed on something I'd have to stop myself from saying, 'yeah, but you thought that was funny, so ... '.

At least it's clear now that he sees women as receptacles for men's bodily fluids.

This is a man who enjoys crossing your boundaries and watching your distress at him doing so.

He doesn't respect you.

My husband once showed me a clip of a wild cat chasing a squirrel round a tree. It was funny but at the end the cat caught the squirrel. "Thanks for that" I said and he instantly apologised and explained he hadn't watched to the end. I'd be really angry if he had just dismissed me.

OP, trust your instincts. He has no respect for you or any other woman, he's no good for you. You deserve a partner who treats you with kindness and respect.

I know that leaving a relationship and striking out on your own is much more difficult than many people make it sound but honestly, think of your future and make escape plans. Women's Aid can advise you. Good luck.

@MoltenLasagne

Yes, we live together. I'm sure I'm safe, he wouldn't do anything to me, but I agree this is escalation as he wouldn't have done this previously.

It reminds me of abusers in my life pushing my boundaries, making me look at things that were sexual or disgusting to upset me.

Ugh it's creepy. Thanks for your honest replies, I will get this moved to relationships.

He knows you were abused and yet sent you something that he acknowledges may not have been made consensually, and which oversteps your declared no-porn boundary, 'to see your reaction'?

Get rid.

OP I am so sorry.

The women posting in relationships will help you talk through this and your shock

I don't even think the "porn-positive" posters would agree this is acceptable (although you will get idiots who haven't read the thread)

I think I will have to leave. I'm in a really bad position with money/mental health. I'll have to see what my options are.

To make matters worse, when I told him I found it absolutely horrifying, he made out like I was overreacting and totally minimised my feelings.

I'm personally not bothered about porn but that really shouldn't be the issue that anyone focuses on.

The fact is this is about boundaries and respect. And he has clearly trampled over them for what? To see if you'll stay? For a laugh? To test how serious you are? Why?

The answer to all those stems from a lack of respect for you and your boundaries.

I think its time to re-establish how serious you are about this. If he can promise to keep to your boundaries, maybe that's okay for you.

If he can't, perhaps it's time to find someone else who is worthy of you?

That is utterly horrifying. I'm so sorry you've had to see that.

Personally, I would struggle with a relationship like that as it would be too challenging for me to understand how someone could find that funny. It sounds like a very distressing video.

@PlinkPlink

I think even if he can stick to my boundaries, I won't be able to get it out of my head. I always had suspicions that he had no feelings/didn't care really about my sexual traumas and this just cements those suspicions.