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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner sending me porn [graphic description]

81 replies

IAmFleshIAmBone · 10/09/2020 13:43

Sorry if this is the wrong place for this, but I felt posting it here would get responses from like-minded people, rather than from those who may not understand where I'm coming from.

Last night my partner sent me a message containing a video of a woman with a contraption forcing her mouth open. Attached to it was a full condom. I didn't watch any further but you can imagine what happened. He was laughing as I watched the first part and saying "just watch it just watch it".

I have been, for the last year I would say, becoming much more vocal about my feminist views. He says he understands. He says he respects women. How can he when he is sending me what is essentially the most horrifying type of porn you can imagine?

He said he is 99% sure it was consensual (fucking bullshit how would he know), and that he just wanted to see my reaction. I feel like this is a massive erosion of my boundaries because he knows how strongly I feel about porn.

I really needed to get this off my chest as I can't stop thinking about it. I'm not sure how to move on from it either. He doesn't understand feminism or respect women, does he? I have to say this is a bit out of character, however recently he has also pushed me into looking at pictures of animals that have been killed by other animals, after I told him I didn't want to see it.

Am I overreacting?

[Title edited by MNHQ to include warning]

OP posts:
NoCureForLove · 10/09/2020 14:15

Well now he can see your reaction. Perhaps not the one he expected.

Take care OP. He is telling you he is disrepectful and cares not a jot for your feelings . That coercion is funny in his opinion.

MoltenLasagne · 10/09/2020 14:16

I'm glad you feel you will be safe, I was just more thinking it makes it tougher than "just dump him" to walk away.

I hope the women on Relationships can give you good advice on practical next steps and your options.

WaitingForEgg · 10/09/2020 14:17

End the relationship now

WaitingForEgg · 10/09/2020 14:17

Really that’s all there is

PlinkPlink · 10/09/2020 14:19

Oh wow that is exceptionally harsh. Having been through trauma myself, I totally understand how it affects you. You need a partner that respects how much it affects you.

It sounds like you have lost respect for him and that's not a good foundation for a relationship either.

lazylinguist · 10/09/2020 14:21

He knows how you feel about such things and he sent it anyway. Regardless of what he or anyone else thinks about porn in general, he deliberately violated your clear boundaries because he wanted to. That tells you everything you need to know about him and his attitude to you, your relationship, and probably to women in general. Any amount of apologising won't alter that.

FippertyGibbett · 10/09/2020 14:21

Sounds to me like you need a break from him to weigh up your options.
A bit of thinking space.

LadyH846 · 10/09/2020 14:25

@IAmFleshIAmBone

I think I will have to leave. I'm in a really bad position with money/mental health. I'll have to see what my options are.

To make matters worse, when I told him I found it absolutely horrifying, he made out like I was overreacting and totally minimised my feelings.

The part you mentioned about him minimising it is worrying. It sounds to me like he has a sadist streak in him sexually and he is wanting to explore these things with you. Otherwise why would he be sending you this shit?

Personally I think it's sick and shows a lack of empathy.

lakesidefall · 10/09/2020 14:28

It doesn't matter what he thinks of porn, or anybody else.
You don't want to view it, you have a history of sexual abuse and he ignored this and sent you something you didn't want to view.
When you raised this with him he told you that you were over reacting.

This doesn't sound a respectful or safe base for a relationship.
If you were my friend I would be questioning if you should stay.
If you were my dd I would be making up the spare bed for you.

FFSFFSFFS · 10/09/2020 14:35

Even not taking into account his knowledge of your past trauma (!!) if a partner sent me a video of a woman being abused I would end the relationship immediately. I can't see how there is any way back from that at all.

Agree the relationships board could help with the actual process of moving out etc.

Onwards and upwards to a life without a revolting man in it.

SecretDoor · 10/09/2020 14:35

Agree totally with @lakesidefall

bengalcat · 10/09/2020 14:37

Move on . This man is not for you or quite frankly few/any other women really .

It’s bad enough that he sent it in the first place but the lack of remorse and apology for his poor choice is in my view fatal . If you’re not interested in trying out his video action then I’d be off - sometimes people convey their pervy desires in indirect ways .

stumbledin · 10/09/2020 14:39

He has totally disrespected you. In any circumstances it is unacceptabel behaviour, but he also knows about your past trauma.

I hope in the current circumstances you are able to work out a way to leave him. Or is it possible to ask he to go away and stay with friends telling him you no longer feel save or trusting around him.

And please dont more this to relationships if you are going to have to put up with those who dont see a problem with porn.

Stick with you instinct to post here.

If you have the energy or time you could also post there and see if there may be some helpful posts.

I think posters on the board should respect those who choose to post here. If you dont have anything to comment, then dont bother to comment.

Stay strong - and as an after thought, did you get any counselling about being raped and sexually abused? If so is it possible to get in touch to ask if you can get support. This isn't just some silly schoolboy prank, this is a grown man at best failing or at worse exploiting a trauma you have experienced.

DaisiesandButtercups · 10/09/2020 14:46

He doesn’t care about your feelings or boundaries. He is deliberately upsetting you for his own amusement. You really don’t know how far or how quickly the escalation will progress.

You say he makes you look at pictures of dead animals which you don’t want to see. It is known that those who abuse women and/or children often begin by abusing animals.

He is making you watch porn which you don’t want to see. He will almost certainly move on to making you do things that you don’t want to do.

If I had a friend or relative in a similar situation I would urge them to leave him and cut him off ASAP.

I would tell her that she would be better off either alone or with any decent human being other than her current partner who sounds like he enjoys power games and causing her distress. There are good men out there. They respect boundaries and have sensitivity to the feelings of others.

cheeseislife8 · 10/09/2020 14:47

This would be disgusting even without your past trauma, but knowing you experienced that and doing this anyway is appalling. He's trampling over your boundaries

awesomeaircraft · 10/09/2020 14:50

I am very sorry. Showing this kind of material for fun to a victim of rape is emotional abuse.

You mention you are in a difficult situation in MH/finance. I fear this may embolden his behaviour. Abuse often starts when women are more vulnerable (pregnancy, financial dependence, etc.).

Please reach out to someone in RL and start making yourself safe.

Stripesgalore · 10/09/2020 14:55

‘You say he makes you look at pictures of dead animals which you don’t want to see. It is known that those who abuse women and/or children often begin by abusing animals.’

Yes, this was my thought too. It’s a very typical pattern of terror and boundary erosion. First animals, then other women, then you. It’s grooming you to accept being terrorised.

I would phone women’s aid and try and get some advice. I know how hard it is to leave a relationship with mental health problems and money worries. I have been there. But the longer you stay the more you are going to have to recover from. So if there is any way you can leave, or make plans to leave in the future, it will make your life so much better.

EarthSight · 10/09/2020 14:59

I have been, for the last year I would say, becoming much more vocal about my feminist views. He says he understands. He says he respects women. How can he when he is sending me what is essentially the most horrifying type of porn you can imagine?

I had to learn the hard way the obvious lesson of 'just because your partner says something, doesn't mean it's true'. What are his ACTIONS telling you, overall, not his words?

There's 2 possible reasons he showed you this clip -

  1. It's something he would have shared with his mates and gone 'Eughh! Isn't that gross or weird?' and then they would have had childish, blokey bantz about it afterwards. He didn't stop to think that you are his FEMALE partner, and that woman in the video is a real person. My housemate once wanted to show me a non-sexual video that was disgusting, and I thought 'Jesus. How fucking old are you???'. It's something I would have expected from a 10 year old who likes Horrible Histories books.

or

  1. He was totally testing your boundaries. He was dressing it up as a funny, freaky thing to laugh at, when actually he was hoping you would say 'that's hot'. Even worse he might have known it would make you feel uncomfortable and that was the whole point.

he made out like I was overreacting and totally minimised my feelings.

Well yes. He fucked up which is why he's minimising them. Also, this type of porn is so commonplace that most people don't think it's a big deal anymore to watch this type of porn.

username501 · 10/09/2020 15:49

OP I'm really busy today but v quickly, he's a sadist and is getting off on your reaction. Was he driving the previous abuse discussions? I've encountered sadistic, abusive men who are turned on by abuse survivors and hearing about the abuse.

Closetbeanmuncher · 10/09/2020 15:55

The whole thing reeks of a coercive predator who finds other peoples/beings pain and suffering amusing 🤢

There's something not ticking over right in his head OP, I would bet my life on it.

I would be out of there like a shot tbh.

SistemaAddict · 10/09/2020 16:01

Run. I felt sick reading about it never mind seeing it like you did. He's a sick bastard with no respect for women. What would you tell a daughter or friend if this believed to them?

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2020 16:02

Christ that’s sick, I don’t know any man who would send this to me, or any other woman. There is something wrong with him that he’d do that. What a sick fuck he is.

Mrsjayy · 10/09/2020 16:03

He is Abusing you he thinks it is on to send you violet images which of course pornography is this has nothing to do with "feminist views" what he is doing is aggressive just to hurt you.

Original poster
IAmFleshIAmBone · 10/09/2020 16:05

Thank you for all your replies, even the harsh-sounding ones. I'll try to reply individually if I can.

The more i go over it in my head the worse it is. I need to leave. I'll need to figure out how to do that with no job, no income and really poor mental health. Plus my family are all very far away. Would it be worth starting a new thread to ask for advice on that specific problem? It seems the general consensus is that my boyfriend is a disgusting creep so I have my answer there.

OP posts:
Notashandyta · 10/09/2020 16:10

Just wanted to let you know that I've reported this post. I know you want advice but reading those details with o warning was very triggering due to abuse from my own past.
Maybe a warning in the title needed. Or just keep the exact details to yourself. If you found it disturbing to watch, you should understand why some of us wouldn't want to read about it.