If you are being abused but still love them

[ididntmeanit]

What do you do? 😓

Had a few arguments which ended in me being hurt a lot, physically and emotionally.

But still madly in love.

Please don't judge or just say leave - someone come and understand 😭

Do you have kids?

Oh op, he’s hitting you ? How often does he do this and how much?

You gotta
Leave

He will kill you

Just don't wait around for this to happen

This is not normal

OP, please understand that emotional violence is bad enough, but any physical violence in a relationship is not normal and not acceptable.

I'm sorry you are suffering this abuse

It’s not love. It really isn’t love. You feel like you need him and are scared of him.

You may love them (why?), but they certainly don't love you!

He says he loves me

I want him to love me

He has issues

He's trying to keep a handle on it

I don't want to be on my own

My kids are grown up

He has hurt me yes

You leave and get therapy to unpick why you believe you can love someone who hurts you

In one of the episodes I really did think he would kill me

Thank you Villanelle

I think it is need not love

And fear I rejecting him and feeling sorry for him

How can you truly love someone who deliberately hurts you? He clearly doesn't love you enough not to hurt and be cruel to you.

If you stay and he kills you, it will ruin your children’s lives forever.

However much you say you love him, is it worth that?

Would you want your child to stay with someone who physically abused them?

Get out tonight

Or get him out and go NC

What a scummy man

You don’t want to be alone...

Would you rather be dead? Because if you stay it’s possible. He doesn’t love you or he wouldn’t hurt you. It may feel like you can’t live without him but I promise you that you can. Being alone isn’t as bad as being with someone who abuses you.

Please get help from womans aid, talk to people you can trust and get out x

Love is not words, it's actions.

He says he loves you, but hits you.

This is not love, it's not even liking a bit, not even tolerating.
He would not dare to treat his friend/neighbour/colleague like this, why on earth should he be allowed to do this to you?!

Please seek help. And do it sooner rather than later. Violence tends to escalate with time, it does not get better.

Women's Aid

Please learn to love yourself enough to expect better from life

What you are experiencing is called a trauma bond. Read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that.

Do you have any friends or family who know anything about your situation?

My love what you think or perceive of as love is NOT love, it’s trauma bonding.

Every time he abuses you, you have an incredible low followed by an incredible high very similar to the dopamine effect you might get from being on a rollercoaster.

This relationship is an emotional rollercoaster and if your hoping it will ease out and become a gentle merry go round, your hope is in vein. Those on the rollercoaster of abuse so very rarely recover from this cycle you have honestly got better odds of winning the euro millions jackpot.

If you can walk/run away.

They like you to think it's a loss of control. It isnt. Its actually perfectly controlled.

Read lundy bankrofts book 'why does he do that?'.
He studied these sort of ppl for years and saw that actually they hurt ppl when they want to hurt people. To control them. They mean to do it.

He hurts you to scare you and to keep you in line.

And you dont love him. You love who he pretended to be. Like loving an actor because you've seen him in a film. That wasnt the real him. The real him is a monster who hates you and means you harm.

Get out. Fast. And far.

Hi ididntmeanit,

We can see that you're getting some good support from other Mumsnetters but just wanted to add a link to our domestic violence support webguide as there are lots of organisations listed which can give you some real life help.

A really good starting point would be the Freedom Programme - we know it's helped many MNers over the years so please click on the link.

Take care

Oh OP, I did this for 13 years. Even when I left I hadn’t left emotionally and so it carried on and on.
My advice is to read the relationships board, and keep reading it. If you possibly can go to counselling. It’s a hard old slog but being free of it is amazing

I expect the 3 women killed every week in lockdown loved their abusers too

This explains the brain chemistry dysfunction that is triggered that you think is love.

psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-recognize-the-signs-of-trauma-bonding/

Please think of your DCs suffering if you are killed or maimed. They already have lost a significant part of you emotionally.

Have you told anyone in real life?