If you are being abused but still love them

[ididntmeanit]

What do you do? 😓

Had a few arguments which ended in me being hurt a lot, physically and emotionally.

But still madly in love.

Please don't judge or just say leave - someone come and understand 😭

How are you OP?

Sending best wishes your way ❤️❤️❤️❤️

I finally broke the tie. And I'm good. The process was extremely painful but I'm free and happy in my own. Thank you

Oh my goodness - you are an inspiration - what an achievement.

Are you safe? Do you have RL support?

You will likely feel exhausted and maybe down after the adrenaline and cortisol flooding and be overwhelmed for a while. Be ready for that, be gentle with yourself and try to see that through.

So pleased to hear that you have achieved this positive change for the better. Hope you have friends & family to support you. Remember be kind to yourself & look forward, take small steps to a happier future. Wishing you all the best xx

Thank you 😭😭😭

I'm absolutely exhausted, have lost about a stone and I'm sleeping most of the time. Taken some time off work. Loads of friends on the other end of the phone but I just have to process things myself I think and heal like an illness

It will take time

And hopefully I can support others

My brain is still tangled up. I'm swinging between hating him for everything but then pining for him. It's very painful

You are doing really well to give yourself this time and v emotionally intelligent to sense that you are pendulating between hate and pining - this is the trauma bond in action. It’s like an addiction you will feel huge emotional urges and compulsions to make contact / find info etc - but you need to go cold turkey and learn how to distract yourself from taking the wrong action when these urges threaten to overwhelm you. Sit them out - they are like waves and will pass.

It’s a a grieving process. It’s emotionally painful but there is an end to it. When you are ready accept some the love and kindness from your family and friends and think about having proper therapy when you are stronger - you have been through an awful lot. Keep posting - lots of kindness and compassion for you here.

Thank you so much. This is what I'm trying to do, to ride and acknowledge the feelings but keep focused on a few things that help. I've cried so much. I'm now angry at myself.

The thing is- I am intelligent, I'm emotionally intelligent too but I STILL allowed this to happen and I STILL cant make sense of it. I STILL wonder if it is me and if I deserved what he did and all the things he said to me. And I STILL would let him in if he turned up at the door. I still wonder if I'm imagining some of it bug know I'm not.

And yes I'm an intelligent woman and that really scares me.

And yes- a million percent it is just pure addiction. And I was vulnerable

My therapist said something very wise. You can't love an abuser. You love the idea of the person you thought you fell in love with. He doesn't exist. The reality is that he is abusive and causing you pain.

My therapist said something very wise. You can't love an abuser. You love the idea of the person you thought you fell in love with. He doesn't exist. The reality is that he is abusive and causing you pain.

This is true. I kept wanting he to be the person I thought he was in the beginning, kept trying to make him treat me well and be nice and kind and love me. He claimed he loved me but treated me the opposite. Messed with my head every single day. I tried and tried and gave him chances but every time the abuse got more horrific because I was just waiting for him to show me love.

Well done op. Give yourself a big pay on the back you did a hard thing there. You need time and space to lever out a bit and get into a new routine. Give it a few weeks and you will start noticing loads of little things that you can now do/Think /want or have without someone else's opinion mattering

I'm already noticing- I already feel so free- a lot of the time 😭

I'm just posting an update.

I've been no contact for a couple of weeks now and it has been extremely hard- a massive part of me still loves him. Even the bad bits. Part of me feels sorry for him but the biggest part of me hates what he has done with me.

I am also furious with myself for allowing him to be this way, but also trying to be kind to myself. I miss him at night. I miss the buzz when he actually did show me love. I even miss the times when he cried and apologised to me.

He controlled every single aspect of my brain and my day to day life, made me believe i deserved what he did.

Now, I'm working on me, loving myself, forcing myself to see the people he isolated me from. I'm finding me again, I'm so happy in my own company, sleeping so much..trying to regain the weight I lost.

Don't get me wrong, I cry, pine and imagine him there with me probably three times a day or more. But I repeat to myself that it's ok to feel like this and having him back is not even an option.

And i want to be single for a long time or forever after this experience

Thank you so much for all your support

X

That’s really really wonderful - you are doing exactly the right things - putting in radiant people and activities to muffle and buffer the pain but also to distract your head and open you up - to unfold out of his defining of you - so that you can receive, seek and give emotionally nourishing interactions which will allow you to grow away from his defining of you and for you to be you.

But acknowledging also that this separation process is v painful so requires pacing is self compassionate.

And I STILL would let him in if he turned up at the door

Please don't do this. He may turn up all nicey nicey, but furious inside because he's lost all control of you. I doubt he has another punch bag person he can beat up without repercussions, so will want another chance to hurt, maim or kill you. He's probably as addicted to inflicting the violence, as you were addicted to him.

Thank you xx