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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If you are being abused but still love them

91 replies

ididntmeanit · 08/09/2020 20:43

What do you do? 😓

Had a few arguments which ended in me being hurt a lot, physically and emotionally.

But still madly in love.

Please don't judge or just say leave - someone come and understand 😭

OP posts:
user196523585443 · 08/09/2020 23:19

We all felt we loved our abusers. But at a certain point you have to actually love yourself enough to save your own life instead. Flowers

Original poster
ididntmeanit · 08/09/2020 23:22

Thank you so much for the support.

After a drink he does say he hates me etc. He puts me down. But the good bits are so good :(

I am taking this on board. A couple of My friends know after seeing my injuries.

If anyone has a story or experience ...xxxx

OP posts:
43abc · 08/09/2020 23:31

Yes I’ve experience. You must leave him, it so difficult to see a life beyond abuse but you need to leave and if possible go no contact. I still suffer flashbacks and have emotional scars from the abuse but I don’t suffer the abuse and my children don’t witness the abuse. My life is so much better without bad people in it.

diddl · 09/09/2020 08:52

@ididntmeanit

Thank you so much for the support.

After a drink he does say he hates me etc. He puts me down. But the good bits are so good :(

I am taking this on board. A couple of My friends know after seeing my injuries.

If anyone has a story or experience ...xxxx

I'm so glad that someone irl knows.

Even if the good bits are good-are they really worth injuries & fear of being killed?

Relationships with just the good bits are possible!

What would you be advising a friend or daughter with injuries?

He might tell you that he loves you-but he's actions don't back that up at all.

Original poster
ididntmeanit · 09/09/2020 09:08

The psych central article is really eye opening thank you

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 09/09/2020 09:12

It's very rare not to love an abuser. If you didn't love them you wouldn't put up with it, would you? You'd just walk out.

I wonder had something in your childhood made you feel like this is the norm? That you are not worthy of love or that men who are loving and supportive and respectful don't really exist so why bother trying? Or that all this drama means it's "real"?

I agree with the Lundy book, that's a really good read. There is also a great website called Baggage Reclaim.

Gwynfluff · 09/09/2020 09:14

He's trying to keep a handle on it

Biggest eye opener of Lundy Bancroft for me was that it's not a loss of control. They do as much as they can get away with while keeping you in the relationship (hence you get testing behaviours first and then escalation over time). It's only when you go that they may then decide they have lost you completely and women can be very vulnerable to being killed at this point (especially if there was escalation to a very high amount of physical violence).

It's not scaremongering, it's a documented pattern of behaviour.

Get out.

If things have escalated, get out with help and make sure you are safe.

TOFO1965 · 09/09/2020 09:20

You don't love him, but you could have trauma bond issues going on. I hope you find the strength to build a better life for yourself.

Lovemusic33 · 09/09/2020 10:06

All the people saying she doesn’t love him, I’m sure she does love him, I loved my abuser and forgave him many times, he would use the excuse about his childhood and mental health issues and for a while I did feel sorry for him, he lost his temper with me a few times but never hit me, he did throw things in my direction a few times but most of the abuse was mental and sexual. They have a great way of making us feel sorry for them and the promises of it not happening again followed by tears, begging for forgiveness.

OP, I can assure you thing will not get better, they will get worse. I know it’s hard to leave and it took a while for me to leave, the final straw for me was him being verbally abusive to my daughter, I took loads of abuse from him but no one upsets my child. I had support from rape crisis and the police, there were times where I still wanted him back but I also hated him, almost as much as I hated my self for being so blind to what he was doing.

TwixTwixtwoo · 09/09/2020 10:13

OP here's a free pdf version of the Lundy Bancroft book www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Gingernaut · 09/09/2020 10:16

He says he loves you and then, by causing you physical pain, proves the opposite.

He doesn't love you and is cynically exploiting your attachment to him to keep you where you are.

You are a punch bag, nothing more to him.

Mittens030869 · 09/09/2020 10:23

No, it's not true at all that the OP doesn't love her partner. I remember that I loved my abusive F growing up, and I grieved for him when he died 22 years ago. It was all I knew. He said he loved us, and my DM said he did, too. (Admittedly, she didn't know that he was sexually abusing my DSis and me, but she did know that he smacked us too hard.)

It was only when I married my DH and saw what his relationship with his parents was like and then saw him with my DDs and saw my BILs with their DC, that the scales started to come off and I saw how toxic my F had been.

So yes it is love, OP, but it isn't on his part. It's about control. And of course there are good bits (even now I remember some nice things my F did), if it was all bad you would be more likely to see the truth about this man.

ThanksThanks

QuentinWinters · 09/09/2020 10:36

You can love him but also know he's bad for you so you can't be with him.
If you leave, in time the love will fade as you realise how little he respects you.
His feelings of love for you are not worthy of consideration because of how he treats you. He doesn't know what love is and it is impossible to show him.
Please leave OP. You are worth so much more than this

Sssloou · 09/09/2020 14:13

Love is v simple.

At its core are the simple, consistent ACTIONS of kindness and respect

  • which in turn generate the sensations of warmth, safety, comfort and trust - and these are radiated and reflected back and forth with a healthy loving relationship dynamic.

You may well continue to offer kindness and respect to him but these actions are not reciprocated back to you and he does not translate, validate or reflect back your kind and respectful actions into a warm, safe, comfortable and trusting dynamic.

In fact he twists and distorts your kind and respectful offerings into cold, rejecting, destabilising and abusive behaviours.

Original poster
ididntmeanit · 09/09/2020 17:49

I have the book already ironically because my last relationship was the same.

I've read all the messages. I'm trying to focus on building myself up and clearing my head.

I'll re read all the support when I am feeling vulnerable- for now I have given one more chance.

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 09/09/2020 20:38

for now I have given one more chance.

one more chance for what? He tried to kill you. You are NOT safe around this man.
He won’t change. He has told you and shown you exactly what he thinks of you. How bad does it have to get before you leave?

Hoping and wishing that he will love you and be kind to you hasn’t worked and will never work.
You need to accept who he is. An abuser.

You seriously need therapy and to build your self-esteem up.

Closetbeanmuncher · 09/09/2020 21:05

Experience of both trauma bonding and domestic violence.

Oh OP you'll be giving one more chance for an eternity unless you look at this for what it actually is. Love doesn't make you feel scared, sad, alone and it doesn't mentally and physically hurt you.

Until you're in a place to value yourself enough to remove the person from your life, you will continue to be stuck in an endless cycle. You need physical distance, the only thing I can liken it do is ripping out a rotten tooth...yes it hurts and there's a hole where it was but when it's healed you come out the other side feeling so much better, and eventually you don't notice the hole. Read up on trauma bonds and stockholm syndrome.

What do your friends say that have seen the injuries?

ulanbatorismynextstop · 09/09/2020 21:08

Probably not all of them Divebar but some. Some hate their perpetrators but are stuck.

FinallyHere · 09/09/2020 21:14

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Original poster
ididntmeanit · 09/09/2020 21:28

My friends say I have to get rid and I'm Crazy. They're horrified tbh.

OP posts:
MadameMeursault · 09/09/2020 21:36

You say you don’t want to be on your own, but that is far better than living in fear and being abused. Your friends will rally round and support you. Please try to get away from him OP. This will get worse not better.

Lovemusic33 · 09/09/2020 21:36

Your giving him another chance......to kill you?

Listen to your friends, they love you, he doesn’t, your friends are worried about your safety.

Sssloou · 09/09/2020 21:38

Do your DCs know? Is he their father?

MondayYogurt · 09/09/2020 21:51

Here's a story of two women in the same situation. Both loved this man. Both were destroyed by him.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-53920575

Katsun · 09/09/2020 21:52

Please seriously consider leaving this relationship as soon as you can. I’ve been in a similar relationship but with young children. The rollercoaster of emotions you are experiencing aren’t helping you to think rationally. Always hoping he will change/improve means you are living on eggshells. When he’s sober you see him in a different light but for your own safety you must take the necessary steps to leave. Believe me the relief once you are free is immense & you’ll wonder why you put up with it. I don’t doubt you love him but you are worth so much more.
Are you financially able to leave (saying that don’t let that stop you, your safety is priority) or can a friend or family member let you stay with them?
I feel for you going through this & it takes strength to make that move but trust me you won’t look back once you are free of this abuse. Confide in a close friend or family member to help you leave