If you are being abused but still love them

[ididntmeanit]

What do you do? 😓

Had a few arguments which ended in me being hurt a lot, physically and emotionally.

But still madly in love.

Please don't judge or just say leave - someone come and understand 😭

When are you leaving ?
Where will you go?

Let us know step by step what you can do

Staying is not an option

This is too common and TOO DANGEROUS
He will kill you

I think you need to re-read the book op as you seem to have disregarded one of lundys key points as pointed out by @Gwynfluff.

He's trying to keep a handle on it

Biggest eye opener of Lundy Bancroft for me was that it's not a loss of control. They do as much as they can get away with while keeping you in the relationship

You can keep lying to yourself about him having "issues" but this behaviour will get worse (I've never known a case where it doesn't) until he irreversibly injures you or worse.

What made you leave the first abusive relationship, can't you see that this POS is no different?

I am with your friends op.
You are keeping yourself in a dangerous situation because you dont wanna be allone? That is bonkers.and so is saying you love him... It is like the house is on fire but you stay in the house because you "love it and feel sorry for it". You are in risk of becoming another statistic

You dont love him, look up stockholm syndrome.

I have watched so many of the documentaries where men ends up killing the woman because of "One more chance". The only chance we want to see for you OP is not to end up dead.

You need to leave the relationship and discover who you are. If your last relationship was the same, don't you think that you need time alone to evaluate your relationship with men?

Thank you x

I wish one of your friends would report him to the police.
Would you want your children to be nearly killed by a partner? Do you not want to be there for them? You have a response to them.
Grow a back bone and leave the bastard

Responsibility to them

Talk us through your escape plan and let us know when you manage to get out

Your life is in danger

Trust me

Been there

Have the scars to prove it all

Talk us through your escape plan and let us know when you manage to get out

This is a great idea and it can be imaginary. Start with the fantasy in your head.

How would you do it?
Where would you go?
How would you feel?

This can be as fantastical as you like - slice up his clothes, screech off in an open top sports car en-route to a penthouse on the French Riviera. Just play with silly ideas - then you can unblock your mind and eventually build in reality.

Please look at The Freedom Program as linked to above.

Your life may depend on it

I do have a plan. But he lives in my home, it's the mental tie.

I'm looking at the freedom programme it's too hard to get perspective

Yes it is really hard to get perspective. What does your plan look like in your head? Can you talk about on here?

I’m pleased to hear you have a plan. My advice would be to try & keep it simple as you will never leave if you contemplate/consider everything.
One of my regrets after an altercation was returning the next day (to collect clothes as I’d left in haste) & to be drawn in by his fake remorse & emotional blackmail. The promise of ‘it’ll never happen again’ etc. Looking back I still get annoyed with myself for believing him but he played with my emotions. I was weak, an emotional mess & so I believed him, still always praying he would change.
Try your hardest to not let yourself be drawn in by him. Can you leave when he is not around?
How are you feeling right now? It’s so hard as despite all he’s putting you through you no doubt still have feelings. I did too but it wasn’t until I felt safe in the knowledge he couldn’t put me through anything anymore that I actually realised how immense the relief was & how the weight had lifted. Until you leave or he leaves then you won’t experience that feeling, please don’t delay. Life can & will go on afterwards, not saying it’s easy but with the right support you can do this & be happy again.

"He has issues ... he's trying to keep a handle on it"

Tell me, op... does he also hit his boss? His parents? Random people?

No? Then he DOES have a handle on it. He just doesn't care enough not to hurt you.

"After a drink" ... that's not the drink talking. That's him, he hates you. Alcohol make it harder to hide.

After a drink" ... that's not the drink talking. That's him, he hates you. Alcohol make it harder to hide.

Is this true? Because he says he hates me when He is drunk

Alcohol does not change who anybody is.
It disinhibits, a bit.
As posted above, does he hit anybody else? Is he nasty to a random stranger in the pub, on the street? Probably not.

He is telling you and showing you who he is; you need to listen to him.

Yes.

Those are his unfiltered words - but his actions speak louder.

What does your use name ididntmeanit refer to?

Is he the father of your grown up DCs?

Do they know what’s going on?

What do the first steps of your plan look like?

I am really glad you started looking at the Freedom Program.

When abusers seemingly apologise and beg forgiveness, it is not because they are going to change their ways, but because they need to keep the abused person under their control, they cannot stand their 'victim' wresting control off them and kicking the relationship to the curb.

You taking the initiative will be VERY upsetting to him which is why you need to be careful. Have a friend there with you, or the police, when you tell him to leave.

Broken record technique is very useful: have a few stock phrases rehearsed in your head that you repeat over and over without engaging with whatever he might be saying. "you need to leave now" "I have nothing further to say to you" "You don't live here anymore" "If you don't leave now, I will call the police".

Keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep safe

What is the point of him 'loving' you if his 'love' includes being attacked. Physically and emotionally. Hurting you. Stopping you from having a peaceful, happy life.

Break away, get out safely. The other option is more of the same and probably escalating to much worse. If you want a nice future your ONLY option is to leave.

Have police ready to attend if asking him to get out of your property

Thank u

My son made this during lockdown.
It's a short film about an abusive relationship.
Please take a look, it may help.
If you need a friend pm me anytime x

www.perceptiontheatre.com/lockeddown?fbclid=IwAR3Rr4nfH2VcB-pSXEgqRmMIPGj6xEj0t2froAD0l3S1oxKPtelVnfSp5jo

I wish you were sat next to me right now. This is how I was a few months ago.. My ex was horribly violent to me but I thought I was so madly in love with him.. I just let him treat me so awfully.. I realised it wasn't love, it was dependence... I depended on him for the house we lived in, money, everything... I was scared to go alone.. Please please let me tell you one thing that I really want to resonate with you.. This man, they never ever change. Not for you, not for a child, not for anyone.. How can you love someone who beats you black and blue.. Anyone can tell you to leave, but until you realise you don't want to depend on him anymore you'll find the strength to leave. Your relationship will never change, you don't realise it yet because you've been treated so badly but you deserve so much better... It took all the courage and strength to leave, I left my life behind, all my clothes, my belongings because I fled. And I won't lie to you. It was hard.. The hardest. But one thing I am now.. Is free. Free of abuse, free of feeling anxious and tense all the time, free of him. This isn't love, if he loved you he'd respect you, and he doesn't. Please find that strength inside you to change your life, I promise you it will be the best thing you've ever done xx

"Is this true?"

Yes. It lowers inhibitions. It makes it harder to hide the parts of you that you would prefer were hidden.

I am sorry op, I know it's hard.

OP, you said you've left a previous relationship for similar abuse.

Sadly it's very common for a woman to leave the relationship, but go on to other abusive relationships. The only amount of abuse that's ok to have in a relatioship in none. You've done it before, time to move on again.