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Relationships

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Original poster

Should I get married

84 replies

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/09/2020 12:37

Both divorced - bf wants to get married. I am not sure (he has been divorced for many years, me only recently). We are committed to each other, and very happy but I just am not sure what marriage would add? (Purely practically, I own my house - he rents his. I also earn more money. I have no kids, he does, defo none together). Those of you who got married after divorce, was it a good decision? What did your life/relationship together gain from it?

OP posts:

RamonaLark · 07/09/2020 12:46

I’m getting divorced at the moment. I’m fairly sure I would only marry again if the other party was in the same, or better, financial position to me, and I felt like I wanted to.

I own my home and have two children. No chance I would put our financial security at risk.

NC4todayx · 07/09/2020 12:50

How old are you both and how long have you been together?

cherrybakewellll · 07/09/2020 12:51

I was married aged 23 to my exH. 5 years and 2 kids in he shagged his boss and swanned off into the sunset with her. It was a major head fuck I can tell you. I swore never again.

Then I met my DH. I just knew that marriage with him would be everything we both wanted, everything we deserve and more. I realise that sounds horrendously cheesy.

I completely understand your caution and I went through the same thoughts about a year before 2nd DH proposed. I think you have to follow your gut.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 07/09/2020 12:53

In your position, no I wouldn't. Do you like his kids? Are you prepared to have them live with you part time? Will he expect you to subsidise them as you earn more and own the house?

I would think very very carefully about it.

comingintomyown · 07/09/2020 12:55

I absolutely 100% would not , why would you ?

Coffeecak3 · 07/09/2020 12:55

Well of course bf wants to get married.
Tell him you'll get married when he owns a house and earns what you do.

stoploss · 07/09/2020 12:57

I wouldn't due to your housing differences. If you are asking here, does that not show you how you feel about it?

How about living together first?

marly11 · 07/09/2020 13:00

Nope. I wouldn't do it. It's too much of a personal financial risk for you. (Why is he renting if his divorce was a while ago? It's not an ideal sign in itself though I recognise there may be good reasons. )

PinkMonkeyBird · 07/09/2020 13:02

@Purplecatshopaholic

The imbalance in finances might be an issue and some people will look at your situation and more than likely shout cocklodger in waiting..but turn that situation around..if it is woman on less than the man and he owns the property, people will say go for it.

Either way it depends on how long you have been together?
Has the imbalance of finances been an issue at all?
Are you on the same page with what you want in life/future?
Any other issues?

Marriage will add commitment of course and male/female higher earner does put their financial security at risk. That's just par for the course with anyone marrying!

NC4todayx · 07/09/2020 13:03

I wouldn't due to financial disparity and the divorce laws in this country, unless I could adequately ringfence what I brought into the marriage to retain it in the event of a divorce. I know that sounds cynical about love and marriage, but the statistics are against it being successful and the divorce laws here are such that it's a scary prospect.

MadamBatty · 07/09/2020 13:06

If you’re only recently divorced what’s the rush? If he’s perfect for you he will still will be in 3/4 years time.

Personally I wouldn’t risk my financial security

katy1213 · 07/09/2020 13:07

No, you've nothing to gain and everything to lose. Enjoy his undoubtedly charming company and hang on to your assets.

scoobydoo1971 · 07/09/2020 13:08

I wouldn't get married in your financial circumstances. I have had two marriage proposals after my divorce. I declined as they were in different financial circumstances to me and the relationships broke down subsequently. One had a huge mortgage that he was paying alone once his ex left, and the second was renting after his marriage broke down. Both had significant debts even though they were in professional jobs. Since my marriage broke down, I have had a lot of local attention from men. I would like to think it is because I am a beautiful goddess ha ha, but logic tells me it is because I am mortgage-free, have a successful business and a good income. I think a lot of men at mid-life who have previously failed marriages are looking for someone to make it better, and put them in a secure environment ahead of retirement. So be careful, and know that if your boyfriend is a keeper....he will wait until his kids have flown the nest, and the lack of wedding won't be a deal breaker.

diggadoo · 07/09/2020 13:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 07/09/2020 13:10

I would only marry my financial equal.

Can't you just carry on being boyfriend and girlfriend? No law says you have to live together.

PinkMonkeyBird · 07/09/2020 13:11

@Coffeecak3

Well of course bf wants to get married. Tell him you'll get married when he owns a house and earns what you do.

Easily said than done!

Some people are not in the position to buy a house after a divorce. Are you just saying this because he is a man?

I was knocked off the property ladder after my ex-H purposefully went bankrupt and got our house repossessed. I wasn't earning greatly at the time as our DD was only little and I had gone back to work part-time. That was 11 years ago when we divorced and my financial security was trashed. I've worked my way up the ladder and now in a better paid job, however I've never been able to save up enough for a deposit for a house on my own and I rent.

So please explain how the man in the OP's scenario is any different from me? Or is it the fact that people who rent and are in lower paid jobs = not trying hard enough??

RoseTintedAtuin · 07/09/2020 13:12

Financially it doesn’t seem sensible, security wise it would provide some help (but mainly in his favour) so I would suggest taking your time and considering all the angles. Make sure you get to the heart of why you both want to get married, what would it change, and how finances would be during and in the event you split. With it being your second marriage at least you are both likely to be realistic about the pitfalls and how nothing is for certain.

AnxMummy10 · 07/09/2020 13:13

I wouldnt in your position. He stands to gain in every aspect. Besides have you even lived together? You might find that being a step parent is not easy and want out.
I would only get married if I had absolutely no doubts, and it seems like you do.

PinkMonkeyBird · 07/09/2020 13:16

@diggadoo

No way without a prenuptial agreement. I'd be stating that my house is my own, all my assets are my own and will remain so after marriage. His children have no right of inheritance and should you split, he has no claim on your house under any circumstances. If he is absolutely fine with that, then maybe consider it if it's what you want to do. Otherwise, it's a strong 'fuck no'

Agree with this owing to the imbalance of finances and I'd expect the same for a woman on a lower income marrying a man who is a high earner. It has to go both ways.

Onlythepoets · 07/09/2020 13:18

No he would be gaining more than you and you’re not keen anyway.

JamieLeeCurtains · 07/09/2020 13:18

I'd definitely have a trial run for a few years but without getting financially entangled.

You could live in separate houses, very close to each other.

Gillian1980 · 07/09/2020 13:19

Nope.

Partly due to the financial risk. But also because you don’t really sound as though you want to.

If you were absolutely 100% certain that it was right then fine, but you’re not.

isitalloveryet · 07/09/2020 13:19

In fairness, the fact you asked on here fir opinions shows you are not sure about marriage

If you are not sure then don't and take the time you need to decide

IJustWantSomeBees · 07/09/2020 13:21

Go with your gut, but whatever you do ensure your finances are protected

Rigamorph · 07/09/2020 13:24

Have a looooong engagement. 5-10 years! What's the hurry?

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