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Original poster

Should I get married

84 replies

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/09/2020 12:37

Both divorced - bf wants to get married. I am not sure (he has been divorced for many years, me only recently). We are committed to each other, and very happy but I just am not sure what marriage would add? (Purely practically, I own my house - he rents his. I also earn more money. I have no kids, he does, defo none together). Those of you who got married after divorce, was it a good decision? What did your life/relationship together gain from it?

OP posts:
Starlight39 · 07/09/2020 13:25

In your position, I wouldn't. You could stand to lose at least some of your house if you divorced in the future unless you protected yourself very carefully. If you were planning children etc together then it might be different (more need to pool financially) but you don't sound like you're keen so I'd tell him you'd rather not for now.

helpmum2003 · 07/09/2020 13:26

You have a lot to lose financially and also emotionally due to the complexities of step parenting.
How long have you been together and how old are his children? What is in their best interests? Why did the previous marriages fail?
Personally I would need a relationship to be a few years old and to have a good relationship with the step children before getting married again. Also do you want children and does he want anymore?

missmouse101 · 07/09/2020 13:26

No, I'd never, ever be shackled by marriage again.

Sally2791 · 07/09/2020 13:27

Just don’t. You’re not keen and stand to lose out financially.

TorkTorkBam · 07/09/2020 13:28

No. What would be the point of it?

MostlyHappyMummy · 07/09/2020 13:30

No

PCol · 07/09/2020 13:30

I don't understand why anyone gets married anymore when you can do civil partnerships which are much more equal, not steeped in centuries of misogyny and which can be dissolved with much less fuss and expense if needed, but still gives you the same legal protections of marriage. Maybe that's a better option for divorcees.

JamieLeeCurtains · 07/09/2020 13:30

It's much harder for women than men to build up assets and careers because of, basically, institutional sexism; so I think women do need to be much more careful than men about protecting those assets and careers.

That's why I'm very, very careful, anyway, in my life.

MotherofTerriers · 07/09/2020 13:37

In your circumstances, I wouldn't. You stand to lose much more than him. You've only recently divorced, if you don't want to turn him down completely, say not yet rather than no. In a year or so you could maybe get engaged, which might give him more confidence that you are committed to the relationship
If he isn't happy with that, then I'd be very suspicious of his motives

KeepSmiling89 · 07/09/2020 13:49

Why not just live together as a couple? Lots if people do that these days as they don't believe in marriage etc etc.

Could you save for your own place together maybe? Everyone is saying that he's the one who would benefit financially but how about emotionally etc...? If you love him surely not everything comes down to money...does it? Maybe I'm just naive though...

Life isn't a case of marriage or break up anymore these days...

chatterbugmegastar · 07/09/2020 13:49

No way. You'll lose a LOT if the marriage ends. I also wouldn't live with him - same reason

Egghead68 · 07/09/2020 13:50

No

Lozzerbmc · 07/09/2020 13:52

I’d be careful as you have lots to loose perhaps have a long engagement if you really want to marry.

redastherose · 07/09/2020 13:55

In your shoes I wouldn't. I can't see what the reason would be to do so if you don't intend to have children together and it doesn't make sense financially for you.

JorisBonson · 07/09/2020 14:00

I think the fact you're asking here speaks volumes.

dicksplash · 07/09/2020 14:49

I am still happily married and I have children and assume I would only be in the position to marry again due to bereavement in which case I would financially be in a very good position. Therefore my responsibility is to my children and I wouldn't want to put their inheritance at risk by marrying someone else who would then be legally entitled to any if my estate either by divorce or by my death.

Your situation is slightly different not having children.

If there was a way to legally protect your house in the event of a divorce and you had a water tight will (assuming you wouldn't want DH to inherit any/all of your estate) then I would probably marry. I am very pro marriage in most instances. Things like being legal next of kin and being able to make decisions on his behalf and him yours if you were ill etc are important.

Dontbeme · 07/09/2020 15:41

You said yourself OP you are not sure, so no don't marry him.

What are things like with his DC, do you get along, does he expect you to coparent, are things financially equal on trips, days out or are you subsidising him and the kids? If you wanted to try living together could you rent out your home and then rent a place together? I would be reluctant to move him in even as a trial.

Greeneyes78 · 07/09/2020 15:43

I’m married and engaged, greedy bitch I am Grin

updownroundandround · 07/09/2020 16:02

I'd not be marrying him anytime soon if I was in your position.

You are only recently divorced.

You own your house.

You have higher income.

Why is he pushing for marriage ?

Is it because he can then stop paying rent, have you available to help with visitation childcare and be able to claim on your house if you split ?

Or is it just because he cannot simply co-habit with no financial benefit ?

I'd be really wary TBH. Definitely get a solicitor to write up a pre-nup if you decide to go for it. (though you might find he's less keen on the idea of marriage with a pre-nup Hmm.

PicsInRed · 07/09/2020 16:12

Marriage = half house to him. Prenuptial agreements aren't a guaranteed outcome - e.g. if he couldn't work anymore and was considered to have more need - regardless of his conduct in the meantime.

Do you want to give him half your house? If no, don't marry.

workshy44 · 07/09/2020 16:17

There have been so many stories here recently of successful women with houses , good salaries who are suddenly fully supporting a partner when he moves in and can no longer seem to pay for anything. Many too seem to become the defacto parent to their step children and also seem to take on those financial responsibilities too. Don't be that mug
As a poster said above, why does he want to get married so badly.
I would live with him but in your position I wouldn't marry someone whose financial circumstances are so different to your. He has everything to gain by this arrangement and you have everything to lose.

DaisiesBerries · 07/09/2020 16:24

I'm getting divorced. I was young and naive. In all honesty I wasn't truly in love with him. We fought a lot before and while we were engaged. Looking back, there were plenty of red flags - emotionally, financially, mentally, etc.

Unlike the PP who mentioned it, I won't be marrying only if the person is in person is a better financial position than me. I'll only be marrying if I feel safe and comfortable with them. If there is mutual trust, respect and honesty. Also complete intimacy - sexual, emotional, physical. Otherwise, I just won't.

movingonup20 · 07/09/2020 16:26

We are both sorting out divorces at the moment (amicable, didn't rush then covid hit) I think we will marry at some point but not in a rush. The main reasons will be practical eg inheritance tax, pension, next of kin. I'm a bit younger so probably to my advantage.

GilbertMarkham · 07/09/2020 16:29

Don't marry someone who has less assets than you.

I did and I regret it.

And I know a couple of woman (one now living in social housing) who had to sell their houses to give their husbands money (no small.amount of money) in divorce settlements. One was quite a short marriage too.

Not sure how posters advising you to protect assets are thinking - there is no real way of doing that in the UK afaik.

GilbertMarkham · 07/09/2020 16:33

There have been so many stories here recently of successful women with houses , good salaries who are suddenly fully supporting a partner when he moves in and can no longer seem to pay for anything. Many too seem to become the defacto parent to their step children and also seem to take on those financial responsibilities too. Don't be that mug

Yup.

Sadly on here, I keep seeing that.

Woman reasonably well set up, with or without kids; moved divorced or separated man in. Next thing, she's subsidising him financially, subsidising his kids financially, doing the bulk of the house work including that produced by his kids, doing the bulk of the entertaining, compensating for his "troubled and difficult" ex wife, being stressed by his kids behaviour etc etc. Stress, aggro, dogsbody, meal ticket etc.

Some like to marry these guys relatively quickly too; giving them a nice shot at 50% of their assets.