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Original poster

Should I get married

84 replies

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/09/2020 12:37

Both divorced - bf wants to get married. I am not sure (he has been divorced for many years, me only recently). We are committed to each other, and very happy but I just am not sure what marriage would add? (Purely practically, I own my house - he rents his. I also earn more money. I have no kids, he does, defo none together). Those of you who got married after divorce, was it a good decision? What did your life/relationship together gain from it?

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 07/09/2020 16:34

I wouldn't marry anyone who wasn't in the same or better financial situation than I. Also he has possibly financially dependent children. You could lose half of everything ...

Thisisnotnormal69 · 07/09/2020 16:36

I really really wouldn’t!

GilbertMarkham · 07/09/2020 16:37

Definitely get a solicitor to write up a pre-nup if you decide to go for it.

Are pre nups enforceable in the UK?

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 07/09/2020 16:38

In your position No Way.

cheeseismydownfall · 07/09/2020 16:42

Marriage is first and foremost a legal contract. For example, your house would presumably become the matrimonial home - and in the event of divorce, both married partners have a right to remain in the matrimonial home, regardless of who bought it or has a mortgage on it.

Don't get married to make a private or public statement about your commitment to each other, unless you also want the legal rights and obligations of marriage.

Daftasabroom · 07/09/2020 16:47

Marriage is not something you half commit to, if you have any doubts don't do it. The fact that you're asking here suggests you have doubts. You've both been married before, you should know what the deal is.

PicsInRed · 07/09/2020 17:44

@GilbertMarkham

Definitely get a solicitor to write up a pre-nup if you decide to go for it.

Are pre nups enforceable in the UK?

No. In England and Wales "need" trumps all.
something2say · 07/09/2020 18:00

Its interesting isn't it.

I am currently engaged to marry. We're in our 40s, no kids. I've owned my place for 13 years. But I was struggling to pay for my car to be serviced to get to work so although all Bill's paid and all good, very little extra money.

Along comes my partner. Reveals himself to be genuine, hard working, easy to live with. We now live together and are engaged and we share the costs. It means I've a lot more spare money and things have been much easier. There is no issue around him bringing in money. Hed work every day if he could!

I know when we marry that after five years, he could leave with half of what I've built up. But we don't plan to split. We are marrying for the long haul. Both had shit upbringings and the idea that we now have someone in our corner forever is just great. I'm better off because of him in so many ways, even tho we live in a house I've got. My last boyfriend wanted to weigh up who brought more to the table and it felt shit. My current fella pays his share and tries to pay when we go out too. Between us and because of the other, we are both better off.

In the OPs scenario, I'd wait and see how the relationship pans out. It could work out better for her....

PicsInRed · 07/09/2020 18:11

I know when we marry that after five years, he could leave with half of what I've built up. But we don't plan to split. We are marrying for the long haul.

I hope for your sake that's not the royal "we".

BraveGoldie · 07/09/2020 18:14

I'm confused- google says prenups are enforceable in the UK. They are legal contracts. Why can't they protect us properly? I am not yet engaged but that is certainly my plan.

Middersweekly · 07/09/2020 18:32

No I wouldn’t marry him. My mum made this mistake. She ended up having to sell her home and give him half in the divorce proceedings. It was fully owned by her! They had no children together either.
Be very very wary.

PicsInRed · 07/09/2020 19:49

@BraveGoldie

I'm confused- google says prenups are enforceable in the UK. They are legal contracts. Why can't they protect us properly? I am not yet engaged but that is certainly my plan.
www.equifax.co.uk/resources/money_management/prenups-and-divorce.html

Basically, there are circumstances under which a prenup can be set aside, therefore it would not be seen as reasonable to run up legal bills in contesting assets. Costs are seldom awarded in UK family courts. Even if the prenup held = huge legal bills to defend.

If there are kids, mental health issues or he "didn't understand" the prenup, she could still lose part or all of the asset, depending on his "need". If he's a good cocklodger, he'll prove great need.

BraveGoldie · 07/09/2020 20:25

Thankyou@PicsInRed that's a useful link.

DidoAtTheLido · 07/09/2020 20:26

If you love him without question and you want to live together, live together in your house, share bulls but not mortgage / don’t charge him rent, and he can use his former rent ££ to build up a deposit for a place that he can rent out, or leave to his kids, or just save the money as a nest egg.

You have been burned once, you both know that marriages break down.

Marriage is really important to provide security when there are kids and one partner gives up income, pension, professional development etc to look after the kids.

You two can love each other and be committed without a contract.

Oh, and there is no such thing as ‘legal next of kin’ in the UK. An unmarried live in partner can be that. And you can give POA to anyone you like.

Original poster
Purplecatshopaholic · 08/09/2020 00:36

Thanks for the replies everyone. Wow, some real food for thought. We have effectively been living together (in my house) earlier than expected due to lockdown and it’s going great, but no rash decisions that’s for sure.

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 08/09/2020 09:45

live together in your house, share bulls but not mortgage / don’t charge him rent, and he can use his former rent ££ to build up a deposit for a place that he can rent out, or leave to his kids, or just save the money as a nest egg.

So the OP would be letting him live for free in her home to allow him to build up his assets, what piss poor advice. Why should the OP provide for a grown man so he can save his money by spending hers?

workshy44 · 08/09/2020 09:59

Is he paying his way currently while living with you ?

Annasgirl · 08/09/2020 10:09

Hi OP, pleas do not have him move in to your house permanently. I always encourage women and men who have / want children together to get married to protect their finance. But in your case, you have no DC - he has DC. He would therefore be getting an asset to pass on to his DC for free. Do you want to give his DC a house????????

Think of who you want to pass your house on to - if it is not him and his DC (and honestly, if it is, you need more friends) - then do not marry him.

Finally, get him to move back to his own place now, lockdown is over. You are only recently divorced - please do not rebound into living with someone with DC.

Annasgirl · 08/09/2020 10:10

@DidoAtTheLido

If you love him without question and you want to live together, live together in your house, share bulls but not mortgage / don’t charge him rent, and he can use his former rent ££ to build up a deposit for a place that he can rent out, or leave to his kids, or just save the money as a nest egg.

You have been burned once, you both know that marriages break down.

Marriage is really important to provide security when there are kids and one partner gives up income, pension, professional development etc to look after the kids.

You two can love each other and be committed without a contract.

Oh, and there is no such thing as ‘legal next of kin’ in the UK. An unmarried live in partner can be that. And you can give POA to anyone you like.

Dido, why are you suggesting she funds him to provide for his own DC????????
VodselForDinner · 08/09/2020 10:14

In your position, I wouldn’t remarry. Unless you especially want the possibility of your house becoming his children’s inheritance at some point.

Horsemad · 08/09/2020 11:28

I was pretty gobsmacked when my MIL remarried at the age of 70 after being a widow for almost 20 yrs.

She was VERY well off and also had to give up a large widow's pension that she received.

Her new husband owned a couple of properties at the time but I don't think he is quite in her league, financially.
They live in her house that was the family home from her first marriage.

Still can't get my head round it, tbh! Why not just live together? 🤔

Ultimatecougar · 08/09/2020 12:09

Don't do it. If you later split and your home is seen as the main residence of the children, you may find you lose more than 50% of it

chatterbugmegastar · 08/09/2020 12:43

We have effectively been living together (in my house)

I'm not sure how much of a claim he would have should you and he split - as your house is his home now

FaceForRadio1973 · 08/09/2020 12:44

Now, I would definitely marry him without being very careful, but having said that...

"I wouldn't marry anyone who wasn't in thee same or better financial situation than me"

What if your potential spouse thought like that too?

InfiniteSheldon · 08/09/2020 12:48

Do you love him enough to give him as an outright gift half your house, pension and future income. His in perpetuity to leave to his dc and if you split up to gift on to a third wife? If the answer is yes then get married if not don't. Ps I mean DON'T, I'd wait, wait at least until his dc are grown up post uni with jobs, family and their own homes.