What moment was it that you realised your ex was a piece of shit?

[Lifechanging9]

I was seeing my ex for just over a year. There were a lot of problems and looking back now I'm not sure why I stayed for so long. I'm just glad we don't have children together and I was able to cut him out of my life completely.

He use to put me down a lot but the moment I saw his true colours was when he stayed at my house for a couple of days. He works shift patterns and so sometimes we wouldn't get to see each other properly. He stayed at my house for two days whilst I was still working. We would spend the evenings/night together but during the day he'd be by himself in my house whilst I was out at work. I'm a cleaner so due to the nature of the job I don't wear make up because I sweat, so it's pretty pointless.

One evening I didn't get home until late, around 7pm and he asked me if I wanted to go out for a meal to save cooking, nothing fancy just some pub grub or something. I said sure and that I'd just jump in the shower and sort my hair out and then we'd go. He then proceeded to ask me why I wasn't putting any make up on and I said because I didn't feel like it and because it was late and I didn't want to spend 30 mins faffing around with my face. Really didn't think it was an issue, I normally made an effort with my hair and make up when we spent time together but just didn't see the need to that night. He then said that "I needed make up" which of course I found quite hurtful. We ended up going for the meal and I just ignored the issue.

A few days later we got into an argument about something unrelated and I brought up the make up comment. I thought I'd give him a chance to rectify what he'd said and make things right, but instead he proceeded to tell me "how wrong it was that I'd not worn make up for the two days that he was there". I asked him why on earth he wanted to be with me if he didn't find me attractive and also explain that it wasn't a law that women must wear make up 24/7. From that moment I saw him in a completely different light and ended things. He tried to win me back but it didn't work. I just always thought to myself "what happens when/if we have kids and I don't get time to put make up on every day or if I put a bit of weight on or get ill and don't look perfect".

He's done much worse things now that I think about it but for some reason this one stuck, not sure why. It's not that I think I'm "pretty" or "gorgeous" but I'm content with myself and I feel he took that away from me and really knocked my confidence. It was only a couple of weeks prior to him making that comment that he said how much he loved me natural so his comments came as a shock.

@SoulofanAggron

It took a Mumsnet thread to help me see he was just mining me for sex basically, but one 'conversation' definitely was one of the final blows. - I had told him I didn't like certain things he was into sexually, and yet he kept asking for them. I told him not to do this as it was manipulative. So, I'd said I didn't like X, Y, Z.

We got back to his and were in the front room.

He went

'Do you like doing A?'

'How about B?'

'Will we ever do C again?'

'How about D? And what if someone were watching us, would you want to stop them?'

Then he asked what my plan was for the day. He had this annoying habit where he would sexualize my normal life.

I said I might go to an LGBT film night to see a film and he said 'oh that's good, you might pull.'

Then I said I might go and see my best friend later and he said 'Do you ever want to shag Fred? Would you give him a blow job?'

I was so uncomfortable with this whole conversation and it made it clear what he was like. Within a few days I blocked him.

Were you with my ex by any chance? This is exactly what he used to do!

Exh.. After keeping trying to make the marriage work after his multiple affairs (I know, I know it's so pathetic when I look back), I ended up in hospital after having a breakdown, weighed 45kg and had not slept in 8 nights. He told people I was in hospital because I had had a 'brain fart' he had done much worse things, but that just proved how little he cared.

I then went on to have a relationship a few years later. This was in about the November and exp one evening said, I'll be moved in here to your house by March. It took a few more months for me to realise I was ignoring many waving banner red flags and I ended it a few months later.

I've been single ever since. Phew I can now breathe.

I had flown across the world to stay for 3 months over Christmas. He was supposed to pick me up at the airport.

I get there, get my luggage, and wait. He wasn't there. I rang him to see how soon he'd be there. He told me he wasn't coming as he decided to go to a LAN party instead.

@edwinbear

Have you dumped his arse?

When she shoved me hard and followed it up with a punch to the head after I had spent an evening catching up with some old course mates from uni. She knew where I had been but did not know that two of the five people I was meeting were women.

When he said Donald Trump won the election and it was fraud and corruption that stole it from him. I knew there was no going back from that. Absolute imbecile.

He told me that he'd complimented a 'young woman' on her hair in the supermarket and that he liked to make people feel good about themselves. I realised that not only did he not pay me any compliments but he constantly found little ways to put me down. Not major things, he was really supportive and kind with big stuff but little negative comments all the time.

I dumped him the following day. He accused of being jealous of women who were more attractive than me 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Windmillwhirl

When he said Donald Trump won the election and it was fraud and corruption that stole it from him. I knew there was no going back from that. Absolute imbecile.

You finished a relationship based on that people do have a right to a opinion that differs from yours

Early on (but ignored): he made a joke about using a coat hanger in the event I fell pregnant.

Middle of the road: he was rude, dismissive and sneery around his mother and treated her badly when we were (infrequently) in her company. His mum was lovely. He resented her due to his poverty-stricken childhood but at the ripe age of 36 still didn’t treat her respectfully.

The end: he didn’t want to spend more than £2k on an engagement ring (fine) and didn’t want anyone to attend our wedding (it would have been his 2nd! Had it come to pass) either, besides our parents only. He was about to earn $150,000 a year, a step up from his then-£82k salary and his subsidised flat that he managed to land with his employer. He had no dependents and no debt.

Yes, he was tight as well as controlling. When I had the opportunity to walk, I took it.

"You finished a relationship based on that hmm people do have a right to a opinion that differs from yours confused"

Obviously that wasn't the first red flag to me. But it was the realisation that something wasn't right. When he the decided covid was only flu and refused to wear a mask ever to protect his civil liberties I knew we were not matched.

'You do know I only stay with you because I worry about you, don't you? I worry that when your looks have faded, you'll have nothing left to recommend you and you'll die alone.'

He then begged me to get back with him for a good six months after I left him (complete with desperate marriage proposals and threats of suicide), before finally vowing to ruin my life and stalking/harassing me so viciously online that to this day, nine years later, I still have no online presence under my real name.

@Shamsa03 - That’s not really a difference of “opinion” 😂😂

I should have left him when he choked me when I was pregnant at his works Xmas do. I should have left when he had a threesome with two prostitutes and was arrested for assaulting them( I gave birth to our second stillborn son a month later)
I finally left him when he refused to give me money to go see my seriously ill dad(he was also financially abusive) and lied saying he had lost his bank card(it was in his wallet). I threw him out that night.

It was the moment a midwife roared 'Get out of her bed right now' to exH. I was 41 weeks pregnant and had a vaginal prolapse and was contracting so was in a single room on labour ward in agony at 4am. ExH made me sit in the chair whilst he slept in the hospital bed as he was so tired. The midwife turned to me after she had bellowed at him and said 'I have never seen a man chuck his labouring wife out of bed in my 20 years of being a midwife love.' I knew then that I wouldn't stay married to him.

Heffaloomia - I suffered years of abuse in the 90's - horrible, physical, mental, financial, emotional. It had a huge effect on the children. I was so messed up and stuck in the situation. I did not know at the time of anybody else in the same position and was embarrassed and ashamed but most of all so very alone. I suffer with flashbacks and never really recovered. I have absolutely no contact with him now (it would have to be an extremely serious situation regarding the now grown up kids). His life is a pile of shit and he is lonely and sad. He has nothing and nobody. I remember the day of the decree absolute and I was finally free from the marriage. I remember walking down the road feeling like I was flying. It was the greatest feeling and I will always think back to that moment.

@SafeMove

It was the moment a midwife roared 'Get out of her bed right now' to exH. I was 41 weeks pregnant and had a vaginal prolapse and was contracting so was in a single room on labour ward in agony at 4am. ExH made me sit in the chair whilst he slept in the hospital bed as he was so tired. The midwife turned to me after she had bellowed at him and said 'I have never seen a man chuck his labouring wife out of bed in my 20 years of being a midwife love.' I knew then that I wouldn't stay married to him.

Good lord. This is disgusting. I am so happy to read that last sentence.

When I had a migraine so bad I thought I was having a stroke and lay on the kitchen floor unable to move and he came home and stepped over me and started cooking his dinner because we'd had an argument the night before. He then left me to put dc to bed.
When I was in labour and he was massively grumpy with me for asking him to take care of our existing dc because it didn't fit in with his plans for the evening and he wasn't expecting it (I was almost two weeks overdue at that point). 'I did call you a taxi though' he said afterwards. I knew then I'd made the right decision to go and give birth alone.
Unfortunately I'm in a tricky position where he isn't yet my ex...

God I missed/ignored so many red flags that now I look back and I am gobsmacked. To be fair to myself he was great at gaslighting me and minimising his behaviour and he had his uptight mother constantly joining in- she used to say “You just need to lower your expectations!” (Aka have NONE and just accept how he wants to treat you!).

I knew he was a bastard when he had an emotional affair while I was caring for our son, then turned around and accused me of emotional neglect, apparently for years.

And I’m reminded how much of a bastard he is every day when he lives on my street (back in with Mummy) and only sees his son once a week.

I agree with the PP who have said that it's so much better now, having somewhere to share our experiences. I have had 2 shit marriages and I felt ashamed and embarrassed to admit what I had tolerated during those marriages.
I now feel like I could never trust/love/rely on anyone, only close family.

That time he was messaging and meeting with a 17 year old while telling me he was too depressed to leave the house. What a gem.

When I caught him using a secret second phone. He was texting a gay hustler that he had met up with.
It took me awhile to go through it and realise that there were at least 2 women he had been involved with . And on the phone he had downloaded Tinder , Bumble , YouPorn , Grindr.
Shocked out of my mind . Agreed to go to counselling but he even lied there. Stuck with him in the house during Covid. Finally he left in June . As far as I know he is jobless and couch surfing . Never want to see him again.

@Shamsa03

No conspiracy theories are not ‘opinions ‘

I got mugged and rang him in hysterics to tell him.

His response, “did you shag him?”