What moment was it that you realised your ex was a piece of shit?

[Lifechanging9]

I was seeing my ex for just over a year. There were a lot of problems and looking back now I'm not sure why I stayed for so long. I'm just glad we don't have children together and I was able to cut him out of my life completely.

He use to put me down a lot but the moment I saw his true colours was when he stayed at my house for a couple of days. He works shift patterns and so sometimes we wouldn't get to see each other properly. He stayed at my house for two days whilst I was still working. We would spend the evenings/night together but during the day he'd be by himself in my house whilst I was out at work. I'm a cleaner so due to the nature of the job I don't wear make up because I sweat, so it's pretty pointless.

One evening I didn't get home until late, around 7pm and he asked me if I wanted to go out for a meal to save cooking, nothing fancy just some pub grub or something. I said sure and that I'd just jump in the shower and sort my hair out and then we'd go. He then proceeded to ask me why I wasn't putting any make up on and I said because I didn't feel like it and because it was late and I didn't want to spend 30 mins faffing around with my face. Really didn't think it was an issue, I normally made an effort with my hair and make up when we spent time together but just didn't see the need to that night. He then said that "I needed make up" which of course I found quite hurtful. We ended up going for the meal and I just ignored the issue.

A few days later we got into an argument about something unrelated and I brought up the make up comment. I thought I'd give him a chance to rectify what he'd said and make things right, but instead he proceeded to tell me "how wrong it was that I'd not worn make up for the two days that he was there". I asked him why on earth he wanted to be with me if he didn't find me attractive and also explain that it wasn't a law that women must wear make up 24/7. From that moment I saw him in a completely different light and ended things. He tried to win me back but it didn't work. I just always thought to myself "what happens when/if we have kids and I don't get time to put make up on every day or if I put a bit of weight on or get ill and don't look perfect".

He's done much worse things now that I think about it but for some reason this one stuck, not sure why. It's not that I think I'm "pretty" or "gorgeous" but I'm content with myself and I feel he took that away from me and really knocked my confidence. It was only a couple of weeks prior to him making that comment that he said how much he loved me natural so his comments came as a shock.

Pre-internet these stories were not so widely shared, those subject to abuse thought they were the only ones so felt it was their fault, felt ashamed and did not speak out
Now that we can widely and anonymously share our stories we start to see the full extent of this abuse, we see that the perpetrators have common patterns
We understand that it is not our fault plus we can spot them and avoid them

Where do I start. The moment he punched me in the face in front of our daughter, the moment he ripped my hair out causing me now to have a bald patch.. The moment we were driving to our holiday and he was having a psychotic episode and called me a c all the way until.. Nearly got there he decides to turn back and say I've fNG ruined it all, the moment he called my daughter a "wrongun" for crying uncontrollably, the moment he put his hands over her mouth to stop her breathing and told her he hated her.. The moment he tried convincing me I was going mad and needed mental help, daily goads as to why I hadn't seen a doctor yet.. Needless to say I found the strength to remove myself from this disgusting excuse of a man and we're now awaiting court proceedings. I hate him with every fibre of my being and hope he doesn't get contact

Remi🌺
Sending you strength to get through this and out the other side 🙏

My ex was horribly physically abusive. Whilst I was unhappy and wanted to leave, it wasn't until he changed the passwords on family devices and turned the electricity off that I was scared enough to leave.
Horrific to look back on but it's odd what I put up with and something like that be the turning point.

A couple of times after he had been up all night drinking and taking drugs, he was really nasty to me in the morning. Claimed later that he couldn't remember these incidents. He barely spoke to me during the week while at work. He would ignore any texts (not that I sent many). I was absolutely daft for him though so put up with his shit. It wasn't the first time we had been together. I had put up with his shit a few years previously, so should have known better. The turning point was one new years day we went out in a group for dinner and drinks, went to the pub after and everyone eventually went home in their couples and it was just us left and a few other people we knew but weren't with. After about an hour he put his jacket on and went outside, I asked if he was going for a fag, he said yes and never came back. I text him the next day and told him to get to fuck, which he ignored, and that was that.
He would go around telling people how complicated it was between us, and they didn't understand blah blah blah. I didn't reallybhave to give my side of the story, people knew what he was like.
That was about 10 years ago though. He will be 38 now, I was only 20 at the time, but I had a child so I want prepared to let myself be stressed by a wanker when I had more important things to think about. As far as I know he still lives with his parents, has a child with a psycho, still doesn't drive or have a proper job. Lucky escape really.

Do you know what makes me even sadder...that we put up with this behaviour for the given length of time we were with them :(

I was just so naive, I had no idea that the red flags were red flags
At least we can teach our children better

It’s my exes birthday today. I reluctantly took him out for lunch and we went for a walk around the park so he could spend some of his birthday with his son. He took that to mean I wanted our family back together, he tried it on and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Had to physically remove his hands from him and shout no at him. I hate that man.

Living
disgusting behaviour
he has no respect for you or your son, how could he take advantage like that, exploit your sons birthday, please have strong boundaries in the future and NO MORE FAVOURS for him

Absolutely not @Heffalooomia. He can fook right off

Mine was really weird and I am thankful I make better friends than I do partners.

Looking back there was a lot of little things, but at the time we got together I was going through a really rough mental health period and was drinking heavily, as in I struggled to remember the next day. I knew this guy for a while and I think he thought I was an easy target, got together about 9 months into the relationship after alot of things, I needed to loose weight (size 12) I needed to shave my pubic hair off because he was more attracted to someone like that, one night he kicked me out of his house because he needed to sleep alone as he had a busy day. I had gotten the train to his because we were going to have a couple of glasses of wine and a lie in. Really little things, that I can write a lot about individually mean nothing but 9 months of them. He then tells me that I am fucking dumb and he has found the woman he is going to spend the rest of his life with.

So after doing the pick me dance, I speak to 2 really close friends, both of whom I work with, They both put down what they have been doing to keep me in my job and how much I needed to get help for whatever is going on. Both were really tough conversations and during one of them my ex rings and as I am speaking to him my friend grabs my phone and says don't fucking call her again.

I turn to him and say don't ever fucking do that and he just smiles and says I knew you were there somewhere and that is when I realised with everything else how much this guy had driven me down.

It was such a weird time but I am so glad my friends refused to let me go, because they are both male and one of the things my ex kept going on about was the fact that if I love him, I couldn't be friends with men, despite the fact one was married and the other was gay

Has anyone seen that this thread has been picked up by the press?

honey.nine.com.au/latest/relationship-breakup-the-moment-i-knew-it-was-over/5972f3b0-9a53-45d5-8bd2-caedc676d89d

Are they allowed to publish this stuff without permission??!

@chocolatesaltyballs22

Are they allowed to publish this stuff without permission??!

In short, yes.

Lots of low points with my ex - cheating, secret email accounts, etc etc but one comment stuck with me and I think it sums him up.

Me: oh no, such and such programme was on last night - I would have liked to have watched it!

Him: yeah I saw it advertised - I didn’t say anything because I knew you’d want to watch it.

@something2say
That is so shit what is it with these men ?
My ex when I got a new job with a 25% pay rise (and friends bought me cards flowers and a little well done teddy ) could only say
‘ good you earn enough so I can leave you without worrying about how you can cope ‘
But it was my house , my two kids , and I’d done ok before meeting him as a single parent
But he acted like he was doing me a favour being there cheeky bastard
Split within the year
16 yrs ago and still astounds me

He made you sleep on the floor at 7m pregnant... what a cold soul. My partner packed my bags in the living room three times throughout my pregnancy whilst I was at work. I got on the train once to leave and he convinced me to get off at the next station once he got hold of me on the phone. Its so weird. I never even knew people like him existed. I didn't know it was a thing. Why would it be a thing. I am now living with my son just us two and its the most tranquil atmosphere. Now he keeps complaining about anything he can for the first time in 5 years I told him to fuck off. Why did it take 5 years of hello realise. whilst its frustrating it does feel like I have grown as a person and no one could do that to me again. I hope your okay. Hope things are working out fr you. Its helped writing my story X

Dated a guy for a few months, no great commitment, just saw each other a couple times a week. One evening a friend invited me out to see a band at a local pub she wanted to see, all very last minute. Loud pub, chit chat, dancing etc I couldn't hear him ringing my phone. He thought I was ignoring his calls and left a huge diatribe of abuse as an answerphone message. I text dumped him when I got home and heard his vile messages.... lucky, lucky escape.

Love bombed a early twenty something me working abroad (as much as a poor con man can love bomb someone) and bathroom couple of months in, suggested we have a baby. My reaction was "wtf?" but I naively and stupidly continued seeing him.

When I made it clear i wasnt interested I getting pregnant, he faded. I learned before I left the country that he was actually married to a local woman (he was originally from a different, developing, country) and has obviously lied by omission aboit ot the entire time. I think he even said his wife was his bosses wife in time I saw her in the car.

Years later I saw a documentary about a man from a country neighbouring his being arrested for fake marriage scams in my home town, and they mentioned they'd found a diary outlining his progress wity persuading various local women to stop using contraception and have a baby with him; in order to claim longterm UK residence via "right to family life" etc. I finally, duh, twigged what my ex had been trying to do when I was abroad. He wanted a UK visa and couldn't marry me because he was already married so tried to get me to have a child, to use the child to get UK residence.

I had something v strange happen with my cycle while there, and wonder if he actually sabotaged the contraception (condom obviously).

He also looked incredibly uncomfortable and almost embarrassed when ibadjed him early on if he had any children, and he said no. When I picture him saying saying , I think it's v possible he denigrated his own kids existence (with with local wife) because he must have thought it was simpler and he'd be more likely to get me to agree to have a child with him if i thought it was his first.

*denied his kids existence

When he just left when I was really ill without a word after 20 years together leaving me with his debt and my mortgage to pay on my own when I could barely walk.
He couldn't have given less of a shit about me after 20 years of looking after him, giving him a home when he was homeless and doing everything to keep things going.
Never heard from him since.

So many but I couldn't leave because he'd stalk me and when I went outside he used to physically drag me into his car and drive off till I agreed to start seeing him again. Luckily I had some support in the end from people I knew and I would do 'grey rock' and eventually he started seeing some else and dissappeared. We went shopping in the morning and I didn't hear off him again months or maybe a year can't remember exactly he thought I'd be deverstated that he'd left me much to my amusement

He did try to come back many a time but I'd ignore his messages apparently 'we were great together' in the end I told him I never loved him and it seemed to do the trick I haven't heard off him since.

Thing is the only reason he would contact me is to let me know he hadn't gone away. Once a narc always a narc. He makes me 🤢

We went shopping in the morning and I didn't hear off him again until months or maybe a year later can't remember exactly but he thought I'd be deverstated that he'd left me... much to my amusement