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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found a fabswingers message on husband’s watch

89 replies

MilkshakeMonkey · 05/09/2020 09:15

Ok, shouldn’t have looked, but I did - so shoot me if you wish!

Message started with him messaging swing to a 70 number. It then replied saying he was charged £5 for the text, gave him a pin code to enter on fabswingers.com (I’m guessing this isn’t a childrens playground site!) to complete the upgrade.
All done while I was at work.

I am naive and stupid-is this a hook up site or porn? And before you ask, yes he has done online flirting before (ages ago) and promised it would never happen again.

WTF now? Am waiting for some test results which could be life changing. Also we have children.

OP posts:
CherryCocktails · 06/09/2020 17:20

I'd take up the offer on here for someone to message him..

Original poster
MilkshakeMonkey · 06/09/2020 18:01

Thanks @lotsolove - that advice is amazing 😉

OP posts:
lotsolove · 06/09/2020 18:30

@CandyLeBonBon

Well that was a spectacularly snotty response there *@lotsolove*. Congratulations on being so superior. Have a 🥇
Only on MN could suggesting a couple talk about their problems be considered snotty.
CandyLeBonBon · 06/09/2020 18:37

Oh please. Your post was dripping with superiority. Don't pretend you were trying to be helpful. I could see your sneery eye-rolling from here. Obviously the op will need to talk to her husband. She was on here wondering if she was overreacting, which many people do, when they are caught unawares. Ffs. 🙄 backatchya

lotsolove · 06/09/2020 19:28

@CandyLeBonBon

Oh please. Your post was dripping with superiority. Don't pretend you were trying to be helpful. I could see your sneery eye-rolling from here. Obviously the op will need to talk to her husband. She was on here wondering if she was overreacting, which many people do, when they are caught unawares. Ffs. 🙄 backatchya
That response would have held more weight if it didn't include the eye roll emoji.
downwardspiral1 · 06/09/2020 20:16

When your other half is on a swingers’ site I don’t think there is much to talk about is there, and if OP does it before she has enough ammunition he will only deflect and gaslight.

Nothing to do with a couple talking to sort their problems out.

SoulofanAggron · 06/09/2020 20:51

talk to your husband about it

@lotsolove OP needs to find out what he's done first or what's on his profile, the more info she has the better before she confronts him. As it is, she just knows he's paid for it. He could deny doing anything, claim it's some sort of mistake/hack etc, and delete his profile before she can see it so he'll get away with it. For sure he'd hide all possible evidence, so OP couldn't make an informed decision on what to do. She needs to wait to find out and have proof of what he's doing/planning IMO.

@MilkshakeMonkey If you could see his profile (or take up one of the PP's offers to look/show you what it says) if he's filled it in it'll be pretty damning. If he hasn't filled it in I'd give it a few weeks to see if he does, actually.

It will pretty much disprove/go against any claim he might make that he was 'just looking.' He might still claim that but if his profile has boxes ticked such as looking for:-

Anal
Group Sex
etc etc

It is pretty concrete and specific evidence that he is after meeting someone.

NeverCastaClout · 09/09/2020 16:45

How are you OP?

Closetbeanmuncher · 10/09/2020 00:22

Only on MN could suggesting a couple talk about their problems be considered snotty

Hmm yes if she wants to get mugged off by her cheating twat of a husband and lie to herself about the state of affairs to maintain a 'lifestyle' that's clearly an excellent choice....

Slow clapping**

lotsolove · 10/09/2020 00:24

@Closetbeanmuncher

Only on MN could suggesting a couple talk about their problems be considered snotty

Hmm yes if she wants to get mugged off by her cheating twat of a husband and lie to herself about the state of affairs to maintain a 'lifestyle' that's clearly an excellent choice....

Slow clapping**

Why do you thing the OP is so fragile that she would lie to herself? You're clearly no supporter of women.
SoulofanAggron · 10/09/2020 00:33

Why do you thing the OP is so fragile that she would lie to herself? You're clearly no supporter of women.

@lotsolove I think PP just meant for OP to have talked to her husband before she had more evidence would just have resulted in some extent of him lying his arse off (that's a fairly safe bet.) And it's not about this particular OP but rather that we see every day on these boards women who have been talked round by their partner and let dodgy behaviour slide, only to later find out more- it is a risk we face, especially if we confront/question them without much evidence. Better to find out all we can first.

Closetbeanmuncher · 10/09/2020 00:43

Precisely @SoulofanAggron

Back to slow clapping for you lotsolove.

Closetbeanmuncher · 10/09/2020 00:47

There's only one way to get the truth from a liar OP and that's to outfox them.

Phish or have a friend do it for you. Don't blow your advantage by asking him, if he's guilty he will just cover his tracks better.

lotsolove · 10/09/2020 09:15

@Closetbeanmuncher

Precisely *@SoulofanAggron*

Back to slow clapping for you lotsolove.

Let's just keep this on topic. The OP is clearly struggling and attacking me isn't going to help help her. Why do people on here get such smug satisfaction from derailing threads when the OP is going through such a hard time, just so they can bring another women down? You would think a space for women would be more supportive.
Yaottie · 10/09/2020 09:30

@lotsolove given that the OP wasn't even sure what sort of site it was and why you might pay a fee, it's better that she asks here first to gather information without having to do some murky googling.

You breezing straight in with "just talk to him" wasn't exactly helpful which is why people are challenging you on it. The less she knows the easier it would be for her OH to deflect and deny what he's up to

Kettlingur · 10/09/2020 10:07

Why do people on here get such smug satisfaction from derailing threads

Excellent question @lotsolove, why do they?

lotsolove · 10/09/2020 10:48

[quote Yaottie]@lotsolove given that the OP wasn't even sure what sort of site it was and why you might pay a fee, it's better that she asks here first to gather information without having to do some murky googling.

You breezing straight in with "just talk to him" wasn't exactly helpful which is why people are challenging you on it. The less she knows the easier it would be for her OH to deflect and deny what he's up to[/quote]

"just talk to him"

I don't know why you are quoting something I didn't say? Not really helping the OP is it? But I guess it's easier to misquote and be part of the have a go at me gang. I'll leave you all to it.

Best of luck OP. I know how upsetting these situations can be and I hope you get the outcome and support you need throughout this terrible time. You will get through this. Thanks

bathsh3ba · 10/09/2020 11:25

I feel for you, I found an email from Adult FriendFinder on my ex-husband's computer just a few weeks after our marriage. Made the mistake of asking him about it first and he just denied it was him, said he must have been hacked. We limped on for another 8 years but really I should have gone then. He just got better at hiding it and eventually moved on to escorts.

My advice would be to do what you can to verify how far he has gone, not because it matters per se but because it will help you gauge his honesty when you do raise it. But I don't think it's looking good.

Yaottie · 10/09/2020 14:38

@lotsolove

It's exactly what you said:

You both seem to be spending more time on line chatting to strangers than talking to each other. Talk to your husband about it.

starkwolf · 10/09/2020 17:17

Hi OP, six months into my marriage I found out my husband had a profile on fab swingers and had been on other sites.. I was very young and naive at the time and took him back quickly because my dad was suffering with psychosis and couldn't cope that I had gone back to the family home, with both parents telling me 'men look at porn.' I didn't really tell them the full story as it was so embarrassing.

We're still married (10 years) and to be honest, I have never really gotten over it. It still festers and it's not really gone away. His profile had photos, what his 'likes' were and that he couldn't accommodate sex but could travel. there was even a review of my husband, who had apparently chatted on web cam to a much older woman.

I had the usual 'something is off' feeling and it was.

I confronted him immediately (which I regret) and he swore he would never do it again. I don't know if he has, and i don't look because I'm scared of finding anything. It has ruined my trust wholeheartedly.

I just couldn't get my head around the man I had just married had done that to me. For me it was the same as physically cheating but worse than with one person as he had lots of people on there and his photos were of his privates but also photos of his face. He said the webcam wasn't true as he didn't have one on his computer. He had taken all the photos at his mothers house (how pathetic).

Please don't be like me. They wriggle and worm off the hook and then in years to come lose all respect for you and you lose all self worth. I wouldn't have respect for me if I was him, he's done something no-one should do in a marriage and he got let off pretty easily. I feel absolutely rotten that I didn't stand up for myself.

Dig into this as much as your strength will allow because he'll say anything he can get away with.

You can do so much better.

DBML · 10/09/2020 18:06

If it were my husband, I’d have to lead him on, offer to meet him and then give him our address. I’d just love to also see his face.

SoulofanAggron · 10/09/2020 19:36

@DBML or meet him in a hotel, that way he can't pretend it's all just chat/fantasy and he wasn't going to do anything in real life, which is what they all seem to claim when they're caught messaging/arranging to meet women.

PinkPrincessPhilodendron · 08/03/2021 18:01

How are you OP? I’ve been reading your threads about kik and other sites, sadly that’s what’s I’m going through. I hope your test results been satisfactory

oreo2020 · 08/03/2021 18:25

I found my partner on Fabswingers (and more). I catfished him so it was defo him. He denied for a long time. I left him and accepted him back, left and accepted back again. We are still together but my trust is gone forever. I regret accepting him but struggling to leave. Don't be me.

BitOfFun · 08/03/2021 18:43

You have been posting about his possible affairs/infidelity for years, haven't you? It must be a really horrible situation to be in, and to live with.

Going to a solicitor for advice and knowing your options can't do any harm.