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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found a fabswingers message on husband’s watch

89 replies

MilkshakeMonkey · 05/09/2020 09:15

Ok, shouldn’t have looked, but I did - so shoot me if you wish!

Message started with him messaging swing to a 70 number. It then replied saying he was charged £5 for the text, gave him a pin code to enter on fabswingers.com (I’m guessing this isn’t a childrens playground site!) to complete the upgrade.
All done while I was at work.

I am naive and stupid-is this a hook up site or porn? And before you ask, yes he has done online flirting before (ages ago) and promised it would never happen again.

WTF now? Am waiting for some test results which could be life changing. Also we have children.

OP posts:
PussGirl · 05/09/2020 09:16

It's a swinging site - lots of chat /messaging & hook-ups can be arranged

PussGirl · 05/09/2020 09:18

Swinging as in casual sex / threesomes / BDSM / whatever floats your boat

NC4todayx · 05/09/2020 09:18

It's a swingers site but a lot (a LOT) if attachés people are on there as "singles". The £5.00 means he has signed up as a paying member. PM me if you like. I'm on Fab.

NC4todayx · 05/09/2020 09:31

"of attached"

Sorry OP Sad
If you confront him and he lies and says it's just to look at porn, he's lying. Lots of free and much "better" porn out there. It's not a porn site, it's a "lifestyle" site.

SandysMam · 05/09/2020 09:36

OP, if @NC4todayx is offering to help, take her up on it, even if she just sends him a message and asks what he is looking for? You can just say you found the message, doesn’t have to land them in it and will at least show you what kind of man you are married to although I suspect you already know the answer to that one

FindingNeverland1 · 05/09/2020 10:02

Empathy for you OP. I have previously found my DP speaking to another online, and it's horrible.
Personally I would try and find out as much as possible before speaking to him about it as they so often reduce and excuse what they've been doing.

ZaphodDent · 05/09/2020 10:51

Best case scenario: he has had a fantasy about Swinging and so took a look at this website, which allows you to see pics that others have posted. He's then paid the £5 to upgrade because he wants to see the short movies people post as well. I'm not saying this is great, but it's the best case. I have done this in the past. Never messaged anyone, never met anyone, just interested, read the forums etc.

The worst case I'm sure you can imagine. He might have created a profile, uploaded photos of himself, made them public, might have messaged people, might have met people, might be a long term member.

I think it's a pretty good idea as suggested above for @NC4todayx to message him and ask him what he's looking for. Also, if you know his username you'll be able to see how he's described himself, which should tell you everything.

When you're ready, and think you might have an understanding of how he's using the site, you could calmly sit him down and ask him to show you his account. You'll then be able to see exactly how he's been using it. If he refuses then you'll know it's not at all good.

Buggedandconfused · 05/09/2020 11:05

It’s a sex hook up site. You can join for free OP, don’t need any pics, can make yourself private straight away & search in your postcode for members by age/sex etc (if they have profile unhidden). It takes a couple of minutes to join. I’d get on there & try to find him!

Greeneyes78 · 05/09/2020 11:09

it’s a very grim website op.

if you know his username you can search for it and see if he’s been verified. if he’s been with someone chances are they’ve left a review.

it really is an awful site.

Greeneyes78 · 05/09/2020 11:10

if they pay they can watch live sex i think. you should pay the fee, it will tell you how it will appear on your bank statement then you could look for that.

SauvyB · 05/09/2020 11:20

Oh no Sad

I'd try to get more info before you confront him. Can you log into his site and see what he's been doing?

Barryisland · 05/09/2020 11:27

Eurgh dump him.

rowrowrowyaboat · 05/09/2020 11:29

Well now you dump him surely? No coming back from this imo..

Original poster
MilkshakeMonkey · 05/09/2020 13:41

Thank you everyone, not liking good is it?
I won’t say anything yet and I think I should talk to a solicitor to get some idea on where I stand in divorce.

OP posts:
updownroundandround · 05/09/2020 14:01

Oh that's so horrible OP.

I'm guessing this is the final straw for you.

I'd definitely get as much info as you can from the site while you can. Take up the offer of help and search the site yourself for H's info, as this will

  1. Strengthen your resolve.
  2. Give you the information/ ammunition you need to get him to agree to a quick and no fuss divorce (or you'll out him to friends/ family).

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Apparently solicitors are taking online appointments now, so look up a good divorce one.

MJMG2015 · 05/09/2020 14:07

@Greeneyes78

Is it 'Grim' & 'awful' Compared to others swimming site - and if so, how/why?

Or do you just find any swinging site 'Grim & Awful'?

No judgement either way, just curious and do find it a bit rude, especially when a poster has just said they're a member.

MJMG2015 · 05/09/2020 14:11

@MilkshakeMonkey

I'm SO sorry he's doing this (whatever 'this' is. It could just be 'having a look') but it has worried & upset you at the very time you need him to have your back & be there for you, focussed on you & your children.

But, having said that, maybe he's just having a look around and distracting himself from life a bit.

Only you know what he's like - but it's not sounding too great when he's chatted someone up online in the past.

I hope you get your test results back soon and they're as unwirrying as they possibly can be 🌷

KurriKawari · 05/09/2020 16:06

Signing up to any site of this kind is awful when you have a partner, but when that partner is waiting for life changing test results then you truly are a terrible person.

popsydoodle4444 · 05/09/2020 16:12

He might not be hooking up with anyone on there but there's a chat forum and a web cam section as well as photo on peoples profiles.Its a free site but you have to pay for membership to access webcams certain aspects of messaging etc

Original poster
MilkshakeMonkey · 05/09/2020 16:14

Just tried signing up. Think I have found him, but no name/pic unless we are friends.

OP posts:
popsydoodle4444 · 05/09/2020 16:15

@MilkshakeMonkey

If you pose as someone else and message him you may be able to find out his intentions but tread carefully.

Original poster
MilkshakeMonkey · 05/09/2020 16:20

Yeah I’m not sure about doing that. I know I would mess up!

OP posts:
Ncncncnc88 · 05/09/2020 16:21

That's a membership fee. Can't remember how long for.

Nevercastaclout · 05/09/2020 16:34

If he's met someone already he'll have 'reviews' or verifications on his profile so worth trying to see that. Or getting another Mumsnetter Fab member to do so OP.

Upherefordancing · 05/09/2020 16:36

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP.

I've just done what a PP suggested and registered anonymously from my phone out of curiosity (I'm happily married). It took about a minute.

I then clicked on the photo section they called 'Hot' and the first photo I came across was a really bad shot of a plump woman's nether regions with a willy up her bum. Lovely.

I've now deleted the email asking me to confirm the registration. It looks like a terrible place to meet people.