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Original poster

DHs family assuming he's going to bail them out.

52 replies

Lonely04070 · 04/09/2020 03:03

DH is the most well off out of siblings, we have 1 DD who is 8 and I have a middle income job we are currently wanting to upgrade to our forever home.

MIL has been paying for one of DHs brothers for years he has three kids and MIL paid for a 5 bed detached a new 20k car for them she's paying them £2000 a month for bills and expenses . Me and DH pay our own way a part from a little gifted deposit when we bought our first home.
DH has worked hard the problem is MILs savings are all gone, and there is nothing left for the youngest brother.

MIL has said to DBIL that DH will "help him out"
DBIL then asked DH for 6k to buy a car!!
DBIL is not even working at the moment so has no hope in paying him back.
MIL is supposed to be retiring soon and it seems they want DH to fund his brothers lifestyles. She keeps saying oh "DH will help out "

DH is very stressed and feels like he's working very hard to not even possibly enjoy what he's worked for. I don't want to bail out DHs entire family when we have our own DD to think about and we possibly wanted another DC.

I'm very annoyed that

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 04/09/2020 03:08

Why your husband. Why not the brother she has paid for ?

Iammariedtojacksparrow · 04/09/2020 03:10

If I could afford it and was in a very very very generous frame of mind I would give the deposit back and say that is it.

Otherwise I would say no, its not your responsibility to afford extra family members. It is certainly not up to your MIL to say that, and I would certainly be getting your DH to say that to her and to them.

The only other way I would be doing it is asking what they are going to be giving you. Is he the eldest?

Nsky · 04/09/2020 03:12

You need a discussion with MIL as to why she thinks you will help?
And to BIL to say no

Original poster
Lonely04070 · 04/09/2020 03:16

The brother has a job paying 28k SIL doesn't work 3 kids and they have champagne taste on a cider budget. MIL pays so the "kids aren't left without"

OP posts:
Original poster
Lonely04070 · 04/09/2020 03:23

I think it's a cultural issue MIL is from east Asia and DH who was born here is definitely more leaning towards the British culture.

OP posts:
Iammariedtojacksparrow · 04/09/2020 03:29

MIL pays so the "kids aren't left without"

You can either offer them help to sort out their budget or give them links to places that are going to sort out their budget. Personally I would go with links so you/DH are not involved with it.

If the kids are going without then there is something wrong with the family.
Also depending on without, kids going without food so they could afford a holiday is wrong. Kids not being able to to get the latest trainers because they needed to pay bills not wrong

Anordinarymum · 04/09/2020 03:34

OP is your father in law dead ?

Are they expecting your husband to bail them out because he is now head of the family?

LouLouLouL · 04/09/2020 04:38

It seems to me that the MIL has never said no and that BIL has never heard no.

I think the best way to go would be for DH to go to MIL and explain to her that he will not be paying for BIL but if she ever needs anything for herself then he will always help her.

I wouldn’t bother with BIL in case he comes begging and explain to him that if he ever find himself without food or shelter that you will help, but you will not be funding his lifestyle.

Forget DH actually. You say these things, with DH by your side. I doubt DH will start saying no either.

7yo7yo · 04/09/2020 04:53

Mil can say what she wants, your DH can refuse.
If he says no once, it’s easier to carry on saying it.
And now the money has ran out who will look after MIL?
Be very careful op it’s a slippery slope.

minimagician · 04/09/2020 06:40

I also was wondering if it's because he's being seen as "head" of the family.

If so, then he should start to set expectations. Look long term at what he wants to do and start speaking up now, to say, for example he can help with x & y (which can be about budgeting or investment planning too) but he won't be able to do more. And do NOT give a "why".

There will be fallout but this is his DMs doing, not his.There's no easy way out because she's set this up. But he definitely does not need to continue it.

suziedoozy · 04/09/2020 06:41

Based on my understanding of a SE Asian culture there often is an expectation that family members will help each other out and provide huge amounts of financial / physical support that is not the same as an English approach. For example paying for nephew’s university etc.

But as you said this isn’t for basic payments of life it is for people living beyond their means which is rather different.
Secondly if you husband is unemployed then he doesn’t have any money to give them.

I think a frank conversation with mother in law May be needed - is she a first generation migrant? In which case she would be more culturally in family interdependency than your husband or yourself.

Shoxfordian · 04/09/2020 06:43

He needs to speak to his mum and say he will not give bil any money. It may be a cultural thing but he should still say no

AlwaysCheddar · 04/09/2020 06:46

He needs to say he won’t be paying for brother or mum!! CFs!

FlySheMust · 04/09/2020 06:48

He needs to make it crystal clear that it won't happen. And close down any further discussion.

user1471538283 · 04/09/2020 07:04

He needs to say no. He has his own child to provide for. Once he starts paying for his DB it will never end. Why should he be responsible if someone always bails him out? How could a man use up all his DMs savings? Its outrageous.

Itsrainingnotmen · 04/09/2020 07:07

Just say you are leaning towards the culture that says you pay your own friggin way!

IJustWantSomeBees · 04/09/2020 07:20

It may be a culture thing for your MIL but if your DH was born here then I assume his younger brother was too so what's his excuse for expecting this?

I really don't think your DH should provide them with any financial support at all, it will set a precedent. And as someone else has mentioned, if MIL has wasted all her own money on supporting your BIL's lifestlye then you and your DH may find yourselves having to pay for her care in later years, so don't waste that money buying an expensive car for your BIL

Middersweekly · 04/09/2020 09:33

Wow MIL bought your BIL a 5 bed house and 20k car?! Obviously she’s helped your DH out with a house deposit also. Maybe she’s expecting your DH to pay it back by way of BIL as he earns well but...that’s not really fair on your DH who took it as a gift. I would tell him to have a conversation with his mother and explain that he can’t afford it a you’re saving for a new home. I could understand him helping his mum he it if she needed it but his brother who for whatever reason just doesn’t work should not be gifted a 6k car for nothing! He needs to sort his life out and pay his own way!

Original poster
Lonely04070 · 04/09/2020 12:19

I think the issue is because of the inequality basically BILs family (middle brother) has been given everything. Me and DH apart from a house deposit contribution have worked for everything and still live in a modest ex council 3 bed semi while ILs live it up in expensive house and car while not having worked for it.

There's nothing left for youngest brother he got £15k to go travelling and another 5k but that's it and he has no job he feels hard done by by his DM. But I don't think it's DHs responsibility to pay for DMs decisions?

OP posts:
zafferana · 04/09/2020 12:25

Your MIL is the problem here. She's made the mistake of blowing all her savings on just one of her DC and now expects your DH to step in, but the two of you don't owe the younger DB anything and if he's not working how can he expect to be given £6k for a car? I realise this is a cultural issue and with many Asian families this is now it works, but you and your DH are going to have to just say no. As you accepted some money from MIL yourselves could you and the other DB who has been accepting loadsa dosh for years perhaps each contribute a fixed, agreed, one-off amount to the younger DB just to make this issue go away? I'd see that as a investment in a quiet life, but it should not be more than you can afford and it should be given with the very clear message that there will be no more money forthcoming.

Dozycuntlaters · 04/09/2020 12:26

There's nothing left for youngest brother he got £15k to go travelling and another 5k but that's it

Bloody hell, 20 k is loads of money, no one has ever given me 20k. Your DH has surely said no and left it at that?

zafferana · 04/09/2020 12:39

He got £20k already? Sorry - missed that bit.

In that case, I'd just say no. You and your DH are under NO OBLIGATION to give this feckless younger DB anything.

Heffalooomia · 04/09/2020 12:42

OP, this seems very extreme 😳 is your husband from a culture where this sort of extended family support is expected?

Heffalooomia · 04/09/2020 12:45

Oh I see that it is cultural, very tricky because such cultural practices do not transplant well into modern Western life.
there is no way to keep the good Will of the family whilst rejecting something which they consider to be inviolable!

TW2013 · 04/09/2020 12:52

It might be useful to all sit down together and work out who has been given what and try to even it out, so you say have been given £40k, youngest given £22k and middle brother given £60k that means middle brother owes youngest brother £20k then stand back and let youngest and middle brothers fight it out.

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