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Original poster

DHs family assuming he's going to bail them out.

52 replies

Lonely04070 · 04/09/2020 03:03

DH is the most well off out of siblings, we have 1 DD who is 8 and I have a middle income job we are currently wanting to upgrade to our forever home.

MIL has been paying for one of DHs brothers for years he has three kids and MIL paid for a 5 bed detached a new 20k car for them she's paying them £2000 a month for bills and expenses . Me and DH pay our own way a part from a little gifted deposit when we bought our first home.
DH has worked hard the problem is MILs savings are all gone, and there is nothing left for the youngest brother.

MIL has said to DBIL that DH will "help him out"
DBIL then asked DH for 6k to buy a car!!
DBIL is not even working at the moment so has no hope in paying him back.
MIL is supposed to be retiring soon and it seems they want DH to fund his brothers lifestyles. She keeps saying oh "DH will help out "

DH is very stressed and feels like he's working very hard to not even possibly enjoy what he's worked for. I don't want to bail out DHs entire family when we have our own DD to think about and we possibly wanted another DC.

I'm very annoyed that

OP posts:
Middersweekly · 04/09/2020 12:53

Youngest brother has had 20k and pissed it up the wall going traveling and now has nothing left? That is a lot of money to many young people!
Unfortunately it’s still not your DH’s problem. MIL should have split whatever money she wanted to give equally to start with not buy one brother a 5 bed house and 20k car and leave the one completely without. Your DH needs to stand his ground and say absolutely no way is he funding his younger brother! Maybe the other brother with all the freebies could give some of those over to his brother? I bet he doesn’t want to part with his money either!

Itsrainingnotmen · 04/09/2020 12:57

My df won big money and I got nowt.. Never mind bloody hand outs!
Back away op. Culture or not they are piss takers.
What would you assist their gain with your loss?.

frozendaisy · 04/09/2020 13:05

You MiL has caused this buying middle child a 5 bed house, other two deposit and 20k there is the imbalance, not you DH's actions.

Just get DH to firmly express his views they both brothers are adults about time they acted financially as such.

Let younger brother kick off to his mother about how middle got everything by the sounds of things and stay out of it.

This is nothing to do with you guys.

Middle brother can help out he was happy to take all the family cash in the first place.

Heffalooomia · 04/09/2020 13:06

I can't imagine getting a windfall and not using it to help my children,
How mean of your father, he doesn't sound very dear to me:(

FewerCivilRights · 04/09/2020 13:14

Wow. Just say no you can’t afford it. Keep suggesting the youngest brother gets a job...

Sophiesdog2020 · 04/09/2020 13:17

so you say have been given £40k, youngest given £22k and middle brother given £60k

I know the figures are only examples, but I think middle brother has had a lot more than 60k if he has had a 5bed house, 20k car and £2k a month!!

Just say no, and keep saying no!

My DB was funded by our mum all his life, never worked, his wife does and pays a mortgage then sends most of remainder to family in Asia.

Mum gave them house deposit and then DB a monthly payment. He is now living on inheritance since she died.

I hope he wouldn’t dare come and ask me for money when it runs out (he is a bully and many other things) as our answer will be no, no, no. DH and I have worked hard for our money and any that we don’t spend is for our own DC.

I didn’t know about the money to my DB until it accidentally slipped out when mum was ill. However, at the time she became ill, a relative who did know about the money, repeatedly told me to look after my own immediate family. Her reason for the comment became crystal clear when I found out about all the money my DB had had!

You are under no obligation to sub your BILs, let them work for their money.

Figgygal · 04/09/2020 13:19

Ignore them both
Not your problem Mil has created A monster

Heffalooomia · 04/09/2020 13:23

this is all a deliberate strategy on the part of the mother-in-law, her endgame is to bind your husband to her permanently so that he is obliged to work for her, what she wants is a permanent and lifelong claim upon his income

Heffalooomia · 04/09/2020 13:25

She has deliberately made a pet of her younger son, infantilsed and indulged him as a way of indulging herself, in doing so she has positioned your husband as the person who now has to pay for everything

FunorFitness · 04/09/2020 13:53

Looks like he will have to move in with middle brother and take turns in the car.

How does your house deposit compare to the amount that youngest brother had?

Are they expecting you to continue the 2k a month to middle brother?

Fluffycloudland77 · 04/09/2020 13:57

Fuck me I would actually divorce dh if he gave money out to family like that.

Mil is barmy, surely she knew the money would run out eventually?.

Original poster
Lonely04070 · 04/09/2020 13:58

So for context middle brother has had in the region of 350k so lives the lifestyle me and my DH should have without them having to work for it , my DH 35K and youngest brother 20k my DH earns 6 figures now and me middle income so we don't care as much about the inequality as we have the ability to earn and have 1 DC to support.

I think it's grossly unfair to expect us to fund the extended family I don't mind MIL as she has helped us but not BILs especially as we haven't bought our forever home when this is done we may consider topping up BIL to match what we have had but no more handouts especially not for middle bro.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lonely04070 · 04/09/2020 14:00

I actually think it's more than 350 as he gets 2k a month as well the sums are eye boggling.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 04/09/2020 14:07

Aren’t they just!.

You won’t get a forever home if you become the family cash tree.

steppemum · 04/09/2020 14:09

One of my Mum's friends had this.

She and her husband (middle East culture and oldest son) were expected to pay to put the youngest brother through medical school, and supported him for years, at their own loss. The wife nearly divorced him over it, but he wouldn't budge, it was the way their family did it.

Roll forward 30 years. She and her husband really struggling financially, her dh now retired, but not enough pension due to his life long spport for the rest of the family. They thought the youngest brother might now help them.
No way, he was living well beyond his means. He was a doctor and so was his wife, and they were massively in debt and comepletely unable to control their own finances, let alone help out his older brother.

It was really sad to see.
Your dh needs to take a stand now. That brother could have paid his way travelling, like most do, and saved up the £20K for a house deposit. If he spent it, that is his problem.

combatbarbie · 04/09/2020 14:13

So when MIL retires, where's the 2k a month coming from that she currently pays?

LexMitior · 04/09/2020 14:13

Try no. Cultural reasons don’t count for much if you can’t support yourself.

Don’t even enter a discussion about it. There is nothing to discuss. Nobody can actually separate you from your money unless you say yes. A daft person would start talking numbers. Big mistake. The answer is no when asked.

I am afraid there is not much way of avoiding upset but to say you are sorry but you won’t be contributing.

OutOntheTilez · 04/09/2020 14:25

It had been suggested earlier to not help out BIL but it was fine to help out MIL. I wouldn’t even help out MIL – she could easily say, “Oh, I need 4000k” and then hand it off to BIL.

As everyone above says, the answer to any question to you and DH about lending money is “no.” These people are adults – youngest brother needs to work for his money and everybody has to learn how to prioritize and budget. You and DH understand all that, and you shouldn’t have to suffer because other family members don’t. Once they start considering you Mr. and Mrs. Moneybags, they’ll be there with their hands out, ad infinitum.

LannieDuck · 04/09/2020 18:34

I would be inclined to gift youngest BIL £15k - that's the difference between what your DH was given and what youngest BIL has been given so far. You could see it as a loan that your MIL gave you to get up and running, and now you're passing it on. There's no obligation to do this, but it might go someway towards fulfilling cultural expectations.

I would also be clear that this was the only money that would be forthcoming and any additional requests should be directed to middle BIL.

skeemee · 04/09/2020 18:51

@LannieDuck

I would be inclined to gift youngest BIL £15k - that's the difference between what your DH was given and what youngest BIL has been given so far. You could see it as a loan that your MIL gave you to get up and running, and now you're passing it on. There's no obligation to do this, but it might go someway towards fulfilling cultural expectations.

I would also be clear that this was the only money that would be forthcoming and any additional requests should be directed to middle BIL.

To equalise what you have received with youngest BIL, it would be £7.5k not £15k. Then you both will have received £27.5k.

I wouldn’t do this at all, but if it makes you feel more “equal”, fair enough.

I would then tell everyone that asks for money that I’m skint. Rinse and repeat. As a pp has said they can’t force you to give them money. If you say you have nothing spare, what can they say to that?

This is the advice we have given our children if their friends ask to borrow money. Just say they are skint themselves. Friendships are easily ruined when disputes over money happen. Don’t go there. End of!

SuitedandBooted · 04/09/2020 21:18

I would consider a one off top-up for youngest BIL if you feel it would be fair, but only after you have bought your forever home and feel really secure.

Nothing for middle brother. Ever.

Nothing for MIL. This mess is entirely of her own making. If she runs out of money she can move in with middle BIL. She paid for the house, and it has 5 bedrooms!

Original poster
Lonely04070 · 12/12/2022 13:45

Just an update it's two years later , BIL is asking DH for funds to buy a house. SIL is asking for money for a private operation we still haven't moved house DH hasn't given any money but has offered career advice. DH now anxious to visit for Xmas as relatives will have the begging bowl out.

OP posts:
Sprouttreesareamazing · 12/12/2022 13:47

Stay home and solve that one op. Blame weather /planes /trains /gaining balls

Can't imagine such Cfery..

maranella · 12/12/2022 13:49

I agree - don't go unless he's prepared to tell the lot of them once and for all that he's not going to be giving any of them handouts. It would save a lot of problems though if he did and made it very clear that the subject is now closed.

Cherrysoup · 12/12/2022 14:10

I echo the stay at home advice. If they ask, tell them you’re in no position to help and you’re still in the same house.

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