Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ok, trusted my mother to look after my son, i feel v been betrayed but being made to feel like im over reating, am i? LONG

86 replies

mumzyof2 · 06/10/2007 16:17

Ok, so here it goes. My mother asked me if she could have my 2 and a half year old over night last night. I said yes as she has him one night most weekends. I dropped him off at her house and then went home. Everything was fine. This morning my dad rang, and just so you know, my mum and dad split up about 4 months ago, but they still get on, have a laugh and talk, no animosity at all, and my dad said tht he went round to my aunties house for a frink last nigh. This auntie is my mums sister, and he said that my mother was there, with my son, absolutely pissed. My auntie and uncle have a 6 year old daughter who was there, and their two friends were there with their 6 year old son, and my dad said they were all bladdered and my mum, who cannot drive, ended up sleeping there, so my son had to sleep in a top bunk of a bed, with a 6 year old, in a house that he hasnt been to very much. So, I was livid, rang up my mum, and told her that she was not having my son over to sleep again, and here why; My main problems here are these;
He is two years old and didnt go to bed until 11 oclock - 3 and a half hours later than normal;
he slept on a top bunk as it is a cabin bed with just storage underneath, and the inly way of getting off the bed is a slide! Which i just dont think is suitable for a 2 year old inase he fell off;
If he'd have woken in the night, he wouldnt have known where he was, who was woth him, or where to go;
My mum didnt take his bag with him, so he slept in his clothes, didnt clean his teeth and came to me this morning, filthy;
They went mad at my dad for telling me, so they wernt even goignt o tell me that they were so drunk that she couldnt get home;
I trusted my mother to look after my son for one night, and she didnt. She didnt put him in bed, or look after him, which I feel to be a massive betrayal, as I love my son, and have never had more than two drink whenever I have been with him.
All this I told my mother, but then, my auntie started having a go at me saying that I was over reacting and needed to frow up and shouldnt speak to my mother like that, and then blamed my dad for making my mum look bad! But none of it was untrue, she was too drunk to look after him, and he should never have been left to go to bed so late by his uncle, he should never have slept in his clothes, and she DEFINATELY shouldnt have got so drunk to the point that she couldnt stop. Yes shes stressed because she split with my dad, but she made the decision to leave, and that doesnt excuse it, my parents have just split up, my dads the best person you could ever meet, but massively depressed, but i dont get paraletic all the time. Am i wrong to say she cannot have my son anymore? I also told her I didnt want to see her, I was so mad, I jsut burst inti tears. Im 3 months pg, I dont need such an irresponsible family. Am i wrong to react that way about my mum and auntie?

OP posts:
compo · 06/10/2007 16:19

If this is the first time she's done this I would let it go tbh.
She probably feels awful anyway. You don't want to cause a massive rift over this with her.

compo · 06/10/2007 16:20

tbh it sounds bliss that she has him one night a week and I would be loathe to give that up

mumzyof2 · 06/10/2007 16:26

Really? My son, and his 6 year old cousin, were the only sober people in a house of five adults! That isnt responsible though,is it?

OP posts:
CrushWithEyeliner · 06/10/2007 16:27

No

I would have been livid

geekgirl · 06/10/2007 16:29

well, I would have been furious too and wouldn't be happy to leave my child with someone who acts so recklessly.

It's not like you can have a relaxing night off when you can't be certain your dc is looked after properly.

mumzyof2 · 06/10/2007 16:33

Exactly, but my mum stopped speaking to me about it, althouh i feel she deserved a bollocking, and my auntie took it upon herself to tell me ME to grow up, and that she was disgusted i would speak to my mum in such a way. She goes to the pub with my auntie everytime she has my son, but that really isnt like it sounds, not in a dingy little pub, all night, always child friendly ones with play areas, but i never questioned, until now, the state she might get herself into! Im still angry, i was shaking. but im still concerned that im over reacting??

OP posts:
becklespookle · 06/10/2007 16:35

She asked to have your DS overnight and then went out and got too drunk to look after him properly?

Of course you are right to be furious!

Plus all the other stuff too? Not very responsible. I don't think I would let her have him overnight again for a while although I would still see her and let her see/have him on my terms (ie daytime). As you say, at 3 months pg you don't need the stress at the moment.

Niecie · 06/10/2007 16:35

I don't think you over-reacted either. There are so many things that could have happened. Your father obviously had concerns or he wouldn't have told you.

Don't let her have him again until she realises why you are so upset. On the other hand, don't cut yourself off from her completely - she is still your mum and she probably knows, deep down, that she has been stupid.

How is your little boy? Is he OK or is he upset too?

bearsmom · 06/10/2007 16:39

You're not overreacting at all. She has six other nights of the week when she can get drunk so why did she choose the one night she was looking after your DS to do it? It's lucky he didn't get hurt in any way, but he easily could have. I'd try and talk to her about it again once you're feeling a bit calmer but I can see how it would be hard for you to trust her to look after him overnight again.

One thought, if your dad saw the state your mum was in last night, why didn't he ring you straight away to tell you instead of waiting until today?

mumzyof2 · 06/10/2007 16:39

well hes only two and a half, so hes ok, he wouldnt know any different. I just keep thinking what if he'd have fallen off that bed, broke his arm, cried, everybody too pissed to hear, to drunk to get him to hospital. also worried that they were smoking round him as that is one thing i really hate, and there was only my mum that doesnt smoke. so many things could have happened, i dread to think how they got back from the pub, i know my uncle will have driven and thats scary too. AAAHHH, such a headache.

OP posts:
nimnom · 06/10/2007 16:39

I can understand how you must be feeling, although how many of us have had a few too many when our kids are upstairs asleep?
But remember, your Mum is your Mum, is there any way you can talk it over without it causing a massive argument. Explain how you feel and how hurt you feel. It sounds like there's a lot going on in your family at the moment and you all need to be there for each other.
You may have to be the grown up and give your Mum a good telling off, but ultimately I think it will be harming you all if there is a big rift.

mumzyof2 · 06/10/2007 16:40

My dad was a little drunk too, I asked him why he didnt take alex home, but he said he was going to but never did. I said he should have done.

OP posts:
Fireflyfairy2 · 06/10/2007 16:47

I would be fuckin furious that someone I have left my child with, had got into no fit state to mind him!

Regardless if that person was my mum or not, they would get the full version of my anger! Definitely not over reacting!

I can't beleive anyone thinks it's ok to get that drunk when in charge of a 2 year old!

Saturn74 · 06/10/2007 16:47

You are quite right to be annoyed.
It is great that your DS has such a close relationship with your parents.
Your mother needs to accept that she was in the wrong on this occasion, and that she didn't act in your son's best interests.
I don't think it is too much to ask that she stays sober when she is looking after him - and if she thinks it is, there's your answer.

nimnom · 06/10/2007 16:50

Of course it's not ok to be drunk in charge of a two year old. But it sounds like there are other things going on in this family and that it is out of character for mumzyof2's mum.

Amethyst8 · 06/10/2007 16:55

Sorry but you are not over reacting. I would be furious if this was one of my kids. I would not do this myself so if I trust a family member to have my child then I expect them to behave in a responsible way. Think the bunk bed thing would be the thing that ticked me off the most. My SIL nearly strangled when she was 4 falling off a top bunk bed. What if something had happened to him? God forbid. If all adults in the house were pissed, who would have heard him? Basically your DS was unsupervised at the age of 2 and a half for a night. Not Acceptable. Also understand about you being pissed off about him not having his bag etc. My MIL had my DS for three days when I was having DD and he came back smelly with yellow teeth and I was really angry. She had all his stuff as well.

Sounds like she is under a lot of pressure with the split from your Dad but if this is the case then she should not ask to have your DS. Don t think you are the least bit in the wrong. I probably would not let her have him for a while if it were me and then after a few months allow it to build up slowly. Thank God your Dad told you is all I can say.

Tommy · 06/10/2007 16:55

I would hold off for a couple of weeks - to say she's never having him overnight again might come back to bite you on the bum when you need a night off tbh.

She shouldn't have got drunk and stayed over at the other house and that's something you need to discuss with her in a rational way when you've all calmed down a bit

FrannyandZombie · 06/10/2007 16:56

Oh dear this is bad

I would be very upset, you poor thing
I completely understand why you feel as you do. Whether you can sort things out with your mum and speak to her to make sure it doesn't happen again, I don't know. You will have to decide whether you can get past this and trust her again. But some space to think seems like a good idea, before you decide whhat will happen next.

HarrietTheSpy · 06/10/2007 17:08

Zero tolerance. Zero. Start cultivating other people who could be available in an emergency to watch DD, should you need it. Space definitely required - understandable to say you wouldn't want to leave her with her again, but might be hard to implement in practice. But defo wouldn't leave her until she's a bit older.

HarrietTheSpy · 06/10/2007 17:09

Sorry - DS.

MrsWeasley · 06/10/2007 17:14

my mum had my DD over to stay when she was about 6 (she is now 12 yo) she let her stay up until 11pm, gave her choc for breakfast and let her watch eastenders. Oh she also told my DD that if she stayed awake late everynight her body would get used to it and mummy would then have to let her stay up late everynight!

Oh and my mother smoked (after telling me and DH she had given up) my DD has Asthma so it was quite an issue !

My DD has not stayed over since.

NAB3 · 06/10/2007 17:16

I would be fuming and no way would she have my child again. For a long time. She was in the wrong, as were the rest of the family for agreeing to not tell you. Thank goodness your dad did.

NAB3 · 06/10/2007 17:17

Your 16.33 post - you said you knew your mum took your child to the pub.??? Can she not stay at home one night a week? You think it is okay for a child of 6 to go to the pub?

NAB3 · 06/10/2007 17:18

Just realised your child is only 2. Even worse in my opinion.

LIZS · 06/10/2007 17:18

Not yanbu . She was irresponsible as were your other relatives. If she wanted to get drunk she should have saved it for another night or cancelled having your ds, or failing that someone called you to collect him. Do you think it has been like this before and you just haven't been told ?