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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ok, trusted my mother to look after my son, i feel v been betrayed but being made to feel like im over reating, am i? LONG

86 replies

mumzyof2 · 06/10/2007 16:17

Ok, so here it goes. My mother asked me if she could have my 2 and a half year old over night last night. I said yes as she has him one night most weekends. I dropped him off at her house and then went home. Everything was fine. This morning my dad rang, and just so you know, my mum and dad split up about 4 months ago, but they still get on, have a laugh and talk, no animosity at all, and my dad said tht he went round to my aunties house for a frink last nigh. This auntie is my mums sister, and he said that my mother was there, with my son, absolutely pissed. My auntie and uncle have a 6 year old daughter who was there, and their two friends were there with their 6 year old son, and my dad said they were all bladdered and my mum, who cannot drive, ended up sleeping there, so my son had to sleep in a top bunk of a bed, with a 6 year old, in a house that he hasnt been to very much. So, I was livid, rang up my mum, and told her that she was not having my son over to sleep again, and here why; My main problems here are these;
He is two years old and didnt go to bed until 11 oclock - 3 and a half hours later than normal;
he slept on a top bunk as it is a cabin bed with just storage underneath, and the inly way of getting off the bed is a slide! Which i just dont think is suitable for a 2 year old inase he fell off;
If he'd have woken in the night, he wouldnt have known where he was, who was woth him, or where to go;
My mum didnt take his bag with him, so he slept in his clothes, didnt clean his teeth and came to me this morning, filthy;
They went mad at my dad for telling me, so they wernt even goignt o tell me that they were so drunk that she couldnt get home;
I trusted my mother to look after my son for one night, and she didnt. She didnt put him in bed, or look after him, which I feel to be a massive betrayal, as I love my son, and have never had more than two drink whenever I have been with him.
All this I told my mother, but then, my auntie started having a go at me saying that I was over reacting and needed to frow up and shouldnt speak to my mother like that, and then blamed my dad for making my mum look bad! But none of it was untrue, she was too drunk to look after him, and he should never have been left to go to bed so late by his uncle, he should never have slept in his clothes, and she DEFINATELY shouldnt have got so drunk to the point that she couldnt stop. Yes shes stressed because she split with my dad, but she made the decision to leave, and that doesnt excuse it, my parents have just split up, my dads the best person you could ever meet, but massively depressed, but i dont get paraletic all the time. Am i wrong to say she cannot have my son anymore? I also told her I didnt want to see her, I was so mad, I jsut burst inti tears. Im 3 months pg, I dont need such an irresponsible family. Am i wrong to react that way about my mum and auntie?

OP posts:
mumzyof2 · 06/10/2007 21:26

Im not sure i'll ever calk down. my dad said tht i should tell her she can have ds, but not allowed to the pub with him, but i feel thats too lenient. i think she needs to know how wrong shes been. My dad is just worried that im going to fall out with my mum for good, and to be honest, if we do, its been a long time coming iyswim.

OP posts:
WizardofWilkdom · 06/10/2007 21:28

at this thread

You poor poor thing. I would have gone FUCKING mental. Absolutely FUCKING mental.

You are totally totally within your rights to be exceptionally angry.

Tipex · 06/10/2007 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scarybee · 06/10/2007 21:28

It sounds to me (and speaking as someone who grew up in that kind of home) that your parents think getting really pissed when they're looking after kids is okay. But it's not what they think is acceptable that is important, it's what you think. You're his mother. And what you (or your DP) say is acceptable or otherwise is all that matters.

If I were you, I wouldn't carry on arguing with her about it. I would just say calmly that you expect her to be sober when she's looking after your DS and if she can't guarantee that, then sorry but she can't look after him. No discussion. I bet that she knows, deep down, that she's in the wrong but is in denial about it.

I don't expect total sobriety from my parents when they're looking after my DS. I do expect him to be put to bed at the agreed time and in the bed I expect him to be in.

mumzyof2 · 06/10/2007 21:33

I wasnt aware that my mum had a problem with drink, looking back i should have known. i didnt ask what they were doing because they usually go over the road to a huge play area that is really lovely, with my auntie, but this time she did something else, and i put all my trust in my mum, and i (did) see her as extremely responsible. this has never happened before, nor would i have ever expected it too, think thats why im so mad, because shes usually very responsible. asked my dad if they were smoking round him and he said no, so relief on one account, but no other.

OP posts:
AuntJetPetunia · 06/10/2007 21:38

Bloody hell this is so totally wrong, I would have gone absolutely mad! Your poor little boy, sleeping in his clothes, in a strange bed, and no sober adult to help him if he needed it. Disgusting. If your mother thinks this is acceptable then you should never leave her alone with your ds again. The only way you could possibly trust her again is if you get a full and sincere apology, an admission that she was absolutely wrong and a promise to get her drinking problem sorted. Even then I think she has crossed the line tbh, and I don't think I could ever actully trust her with child care again. Poor you.

Tipex · 06/10/2007 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumzyof2 · 06/10/2007 21:44

You're right, i wont be able to relax when hes there, ever again, or at my anties either, but shes never had him anyway, she has asked for him to stay overnight, but i think he is too young to be having sleepovers at other childrens homes', and im not totally happy with the way they bring up there daughter, nowhere near enough energy has gone into it, and it is plain for all to see.

OP posts:
CrookshanksinJimmyChoos · 06/10/2007 21:50

You are not over-reacting. I'd be absolutely seething! You need to have your full senses about you when you are looking after a child - especially if its your Grandchildand you may need to take he/she home in an emergency etc. She should be thoroughly ashamed of herself. Don't let her make you feel guilty!

Belgianchox · 06/10/2007 21:58

If your mother is anything like mine she won't be admitting she's at fault any time soon. Denial is part of the problem. Regardless of whether she admits it tho, the damage has been done, its a trust issue more than anything. I have just run out of trust for my mum. Sad but true. Having said that an apology when she finally sobered up would have gone a long way to calming my nerves. None has been forthcoming so far, and i'm still seething.

Belgianchox · 06/10/2007 22:01

Oh, and mumzyof2 don't feel guilty about it, your reaction is normal, your (my) mother's behaviour and subsequent reactions are not.

mumzyof2 · 06/10/2007 22:05

I know i keep saying, but i just cant clm down! im worried i wont be able to sleep. i just keep picturing him in that top bunk asleep, with my cousin, and everyone else downstairs not giving a shit. It made me cry at first, especially when my auntie started telling me not to blame my mum, or speak to her like that. Why im so bothered what they think of me, i dont know, i dont even like them that bloody much!

OP posts:
kindersurprise · 06/10/2007 22:13

You are absolutely right to be furious, I would be livid.

I would not allow my DC to stay overnight with someone who had betrayed my trust and put my child at risk like that, no matter who it was.

Nothing against having a glass of wine after putting her GS to bed, but going out to a pub with him and getting legless is so .

Dropdeadfred · 06/10/2007 22:14

I wouldn't let her have him again - her feelings are nothing in relation to the safety of your child. But I realise that you know and feel that already.

kindersurprise · 06/10/2007 22:19

Don't get too upset, he is fine. Nothing happened to him, he will not remember it and thanks to your Dad, you will not put him in the situation again.

It was not your fault, and you could not have known that your Mum would do something like that. It is so incomprehensible, you just would never imagine your Mum putting her own GS at risk.

Take some deep breaths, make yourself a cup of tea and treat yourself to a hobnob, a choclate one. (grr, jealous cause I can't get them here and now I want one )

Go and sneak into his room.

See? He is fine. And you are obviously a great Mummy.

mumzyof2 · 07/10/2007 12:36

still being badgered by dad saying that i should be nice to mum, when she hasnt appologised! Suddenly feel very protective over ds, I was anyway because I brouht him up on my own for 18 months, but now i wont stop cuddling him, hes not enjoying it. Had to read until the earlyhours this mornng to stop myself lying there, dwelling on what a mess my family have become, and badly i feel i, and ds have been treated.

OP posts:
nimnom · 07/10/2007 13:17

I think you could all do with some time out. Just take a bit of time. Don't answer the phone and let things cool down a bit. As, I said before, I think you may have to be the adult here and sort everyone out but in your own time. Spend some time with your boy and when you're ready then sort things out with your Mum. And your Dad might need some sorting out by the sounds of it too! Do you have any siblings or close friends you can confide in who know everyone involved?

mumzyof2 · 07/10/2007 13:22

Iv got good friends, but none that I would tell about this, its embarassing. No brohers or sisters either. Iv got a hell of a lot going on at the minute, stuff that i worry about, this is just topping it off.

OP posts:
nimnom · 07/10/2007 13:32

Don't be embarrassed. Everyone has problems in their family - I really think you need to actually talk to someone close to you. If you were my friend I wouldn't think you had anything to be ambarrassed about I would just want to help you out.

tryingfortwo · 07/10/2007 18:28

just wanted to add a voice of - oh my god I would be furious.

Nothing wrong with not speaking to someone till you've calmed down a bit.

When you've calmed down you can go over it with her.

If she can't see where you are coming from then you don't leave ds again.

Oh my lord i would be absolutely furious. I wouldn't be able to speak full stop, probably cry in anger for a few days and then take another couple of weeks to calm down.

Your reaction is totally normal. Poor you and poor son. Wee darlin.

nappyaddict · 07/10/2007 18:33

i wouldn't have a problem with getting drunk with my son asleep upstairs tbh in fact we do it a lot cos its hard to get a babysitter and go out. but he is always in bed on time. admittedly his bed time is about 10pm, and he's always put in pjs.

why did he sleep on the top part of the bed and not the elder child??

nappyaddict · 07/10/2007 18:38

i don't get what's wrong with taking a child to the pub? back in the old days when they were smoky places fair enough but there's not that issue now.

nappyaddict · 07/10/2007 18:45

also does he often get up in the night?? if he doesn't often get up in the night maybe she didn't think it would be a problem him not knowing where he should go if he needed her. although she still should have told him where she would be imo.

ally90 · 07/10/2007 19:01

Good on you to leave at 17 if your mother was that bad. And I suspect that your mother should not be having your dc at all if you felt you needed to leave home at that age to get away from her.

I would be furious. And I think you are right to stop her looking after him again. She was in a position of trust looking after your dc and broke it. How can you trust her again? Your aunt is getting involved in an argument that is not really to do with her, your mother is perfectly capable of standing up for herself.

You stick by your guns. I have not had a babysitter yet and my dd is 18 mths, so its difficult being pg and having a 2.5 yr old but a night off is not worth the risk of your son being round people not in control of themselves let alone in charge of a 2.5 yr old. Imagine if nurseries allowed staff to drink! There would be hell to pay from the paying customers!

Stay aware of what your mother is trying to get out of this situation. Attention? Control...and whatever else. Deny her what she wants. She will get angry at you, but I think that shows you have succeeded.

ally90 · 07/10/2007 19:07

Just read a few more of your posts mumzy. I know this book is mentioned a lot on here...but i'm going to mention it anyway! 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward. Buy it. I think you will find your mother in there.

And also...if your mother and aunt cannot see what they did wrong and cannot empathise...well says it all.

Also try our other thread 'my mother has cut me out of her life - long story'. You will find a veritable war and peace novel on there on mothers like yours. Lots of support for whatever you choose to do. Majority of us have broken all contact with our mothers.

Your not all alone in this one...go look at the thread.

xxx