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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ok, trusted my mother to look after my son, i feel v been betrayed but being made to feel like im over reating, am i? LONG

86 replies

mumzyof2 · 06/10/2007 16:17

Ok, so here it goes. My mother asked me if she could have my 2 and a half year old over night last night. I said yes as she has him one night most weekends. I dropped him off at her house and then went home. Everything was fine. This morning my dad rang, and just so you know, my mum and dad split up about 4 months ago, but they still get on, have a laugh and talk, no animosity at all, and my dad said tht he went round to my aunties house for a frink last nigh. This auntie is my mums sister, and he said that my mother was there, with my son, absolutely pissed. My auntie and uncle have a 6 year old daughter who was there, and their two friends were there with their 6 year old son, and my dad said they were all bladdered and my mum, who cannot drive, ended up sleeping there, so my son had to sleep in a top bunk of a bed, with a 6 year old, in a house that he hasnt been to very much. So, I was livid, rang up my mum, and told her that she was not having my son over to sleep again, and here why; My main problems here are these;
He is two years old and didnt go to bed until 11 oclock - 3 and a half hours later than normal;
he slept on a top bunk as it is a cabin bed with just storage underneath, and the inly way of getting off the bed is a slide! Which i just dont think is suitable for a 2 year old inase he fell off;
If he'd have woken in the night, he wouldnt have known where he was, who was woth him, or where to go;
My mum didnt take his bag with him, so he slept in his clothes, didnt clean his teeth and came to me this morning, filthy;
They went mad at my dad for telling me, so they wernt even goignt o tell me that they were so drunk that she couldnt get home;
I trusted my mother to look after my son for one night, and she didnt. She didnt put him in bed, or look after him, which I feel to be a massive betrayal, as I love my son, and have never had more than two drink whenever I have been with him.
All this I told my mother, but then, my auntie started having a go at me saying that I was over reacting and needed to frow up and shouldnt speak to my mother like that, and then blamed my dad for making my mum look bad! But none of it was untrue, she was too drunk to look after him, and he should never have been left to go to bed so late by his uncle, he should never have slept in his clothes, and she DEFINATELY shouldnt have got so drunk to the point that she couldnt stop. Yes shes stressed because she split with my dad, but she made the decision to leave, and that doesnt excuse it, my parents have just split up, my dads the best person you could ever meet, but massively depressed, but i dont get paraletic all the time. Am i wrong to say she cannot have my son anymore? I also told her I didnt want to see her, I was so mad, I jsut burst inti tears. Im 3 months pg, I dont need such an irresponsible family. Am i wrong to react that way about my mum and auntie?

OP posts:
ebenezer · 07/10/2007 20:34

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. I would be outraged. I wouldn't let my child be looked after again unless she apologises and seriously changes her ways. Even then i'd be wary i think. Any advantage of having a child free night every week is completely wiped out if you can't relax and be confident your son is being properly cared for.

nimnom · 08/10/2007 11:44

Mumzy - how're things today?

PregnantGrrrl · 08/10/2007 11:58

i don't think you're being unreasonable at all. at the end of the day, if someone asks to care for your child, they should be where they were agreed to be, and the carer should be capable, not hammered beyond belief.if it was my son and i found out PIL had done this, he wouldn't be staying overnight for a good while, and i'd certainly make my feelings clear.

mumzyof2 · 08/10/2007 13:20

Im ok today, very teary though, i think too much has got on top of me, iv had a hell of a lot to deal with the last year. im normally a very strong person, but im struggling to cope with anything at the minute. Not just my mum, lots of things. Feel like moving away from everybody really and getting the hell out of here.

OP posts:
VeronicaMars · 08/10/2007 13:51

Do you think you would feel better if you spoke to your mum? If not then just take a few days for you. Don't feel guilty about how you feel, I would feel the exact same.
You could explain to your mum that you just don't feel comfortable leaving your ds at the moment, not for the night anyway.
Things are just changing for you now with the pregnancy and your mum and dad splitting up. That can make people feel really anxious and upset and it just takes something to set it all off.
I really hope you are feeling better soon.

Elf · 08/10/2007 14:18

Mumzyof2, until your mum apologies, profusely, and therefore hopefully shows some UNDERSTANDING of her HUGE cock-up, I can completely see how you cannot forgive her. How can you forgive someone who doesn't say sorry anyway?

IMO anyone who is saying on this thread, what's the big deal, is being totally unsupportive to you and is not fully comprehending the situation.

You said your son is fine, and I'm sure he is but those hours of not being looked after, let alone bedtime, must have been pretty worrying for him on some level.

I too feel your mother was BANG OUT OF ORDER and just because she's your mother doesnn't mean she's not a nightmare!

Also, I wondered if she asked to have him because she felt she might go on a bender and that having him would stop her. But it didn't.

Total support to you Mumzyof2, please choose a RL friend to trust with this, it could really help. xxxxxxxx

kindersurprise · 09/10/2007 08:14

Good post Elf.

Mumzy, I agree that as long as your Mum shows no remorse or admits that she made a mistake that you should not leave your DS with her. If she does not see why you are angry, then there is a good chance that she will do the same again. It is a shame, but you just cannot trust her with your DS.

Have you spoken to your Mum again?

I hope that you feel better soon, perhaps you should have a "me-day" and do something nice just for yourself. Have your hair done, or a facial or just go out for lunch with a friend. It sounds like you could do with some pampering.

ghosty · 09/10/2007 08:27

You poor thing Mumzy ...
My relationship with my FIL and his wife totally broke down the one and only time I ever let them babysit and we got back to them both off their heads
I won't have my children near them if they are drunk and they know it.
Luckily they are my in laws so I don't feel that bad about it (and DH doesn't like them either) but if it were my parents I would have a bigger problem on my hands.
I hope you find a way to get through this ...
{{{{{}}}}}

Belgianchox · 09/10/2007 09:44

Mumzyof2, I can totally relate to how you are feeling, having dealt with similar problems for some time now. For me the only thing that helps is putting a great deal of distance between my mum and myself. For me this is easy because we don't live in the same country (there's probably a good reason for that...), but for you it might just mean cutting contact for a while, particularly if she is still maintaining that her actions were ok. I would explain that you need some time out and away from all of this, to your dad too if he's too much for you right now, and ask them to leave you alone for a while. Surely they could respect that? In the meantime i would look around for alternative (trustworthy) babysitting solutions to have something lined up now for when baby2 arrives. hth.

loopylou6 · 09/10/2007 12:45

wow mumzy, thats just so bad its almost unbelieveable! how utterly irresponsable you are well within your rights to be angry.

loopylou6 · 09/10/2007 12:46

i hasten to add that i was in no way implying with my "unbelieavable" comment that i actually maent i thought you where lying, ive just read my post through and noticed it sounded bad, sorry

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