How bad - or normal - was this parenting "trick"? (90s)

[CornwallCucumber]

Been thinking about my childhood recently and how little I can remember of it. I googled this and found something to do with depression and amnesia, and how kids with bad childhoods repress their memories. I don't think I was abused as a child but I tried to cast my memory back to my worst childhood experiences I could remember, wondering if anything could explain it. I came to the conclusion that it's probably just plain poor memory and nothing to do with trauma, but anyway - I remembered a "trick" my dad would use to get me to shut up and go to sleep, and now that I reflect on it as a parent myself it seems pretty cruel. I'm wondering how normal this sort of threat actually was back then:

I was always terrified of being on my own in a room especially at night and if I didn't have a parent with me I was too scared to fall asleep. If for whatever reason they didn't want to sit with me, I would scream and cry and refuse to sleep. If this continued and I didn't settle down my dad would pretend to phone a man to ask him to come and take me away because I wasn't behaving. He would actually pick up the phone and have a theatrically loud pretend conversation about how I'm being naughty and not sleeping and okay great, you can pick her up soon then. Then I'd go quiet because I was four and that sounded scary, and he'd say to this man, hang on, don't worry, she's settled down now. Then I'd just lie there feeling terrified, not of being taken away, but of whatever it was that scared me in the first place - monsters, the dark, ghosts, I'm not actually sure what precisely but I know it was a real fear and not just a bedtime delaying thing. And I guess I eventually did sleep. I don't know when it started and ended but I'm sure this trick was used from at least he age of 4-6.

Now I look back on it I think that was pretty shitty although I can see how you might go to desperate measures when dealing with kids who just won't sleep.

How normal were these sort of parenting threats in the 90s?

Also, this shouldn't be necessary and I'm sure it also has no legal standing but FUCK OFF tabloids, you do not have permission to share this story or quote any of my posts.

That's not normal at all. Ever. You have suffered from a childhood trauma and you should get help to unpick it. Get your father out of your head. He doesn't deserve to be there anymore.

My father used to use a similar ‘trick’ to make me eat my dinner - ended up with a lifetime of eating disorder and food related issues.. It’s cruel and counterproductive.

Horrible. I didn’t experience anything at all like that. (Child in the 90s) I did sit with my jaw on the floor during a childminding training course when a woman bragged about how she had called a friend to come round one evening in the dark and bang on their windows and doors from outside because her son was misbehaving and she told him the “bad man” would come and take him away. So said friend was playing the part of the “bad man”. It “worked” apparently.

My mum would talk about sending us away or putting us out of the car in a layby. I also used to struggle with sleep as a child and would just be expected to lie there in the dark alone until I fell asleep even if I was stressed out, crying etc.. I spend vastly more time with and responding to my kids than my parents did with me. I think adults came before children back then (80s/90s). How is your relationship with your dad now?

I remember my father used to threaten to call the ‘police man’ when we were naughty or sometimes the children’s home and actually pick up the phone and pretend to do it. I remember it didn’t actually scare me because I knew if I stopped what I was doing he would ‘end’ the call and that would be it until next time. However I can imagine it would be much more traumatic if it was behaviour caused by fear

That's awful. On a less sinister note, but still annoying, my sons nursery told him Santa was watching through the burglar alarm sensors. It totally freaked him out, wherever he went he would check where the sensors were and hide or refuse to speak. Idiots.

Mine used to pretend they were going to pack a bag and leave, or phone 'the social' to take us to the kids home. I've heard of similar, including fake calls to the police, but just because it's not entirely uncommon doesn't make it right. It's a horrible thing to do to kids. I don't think as a society we were as good at looking at things from a child's perspective in the 90s, but I still think it must be a minority of parents who thought this type of stuff was acceptable.

Re you having poor memory of childhood - a big part of how we remember childhood is having it reflected back to us throughout, eg with stories, anecdotes and re-telling of memories by adults around us. That's how they tend to cement into our memories. Unfortunately if you don't get that experience from your family, childhood memories tend to be quite hazy. I have some vivid memories of incidents in school for example (eg things that stuck in my mind because they were embarrassing) but I can barely recall the names of any of my teachers or classmates from the whole of primary school. My parents took zero interest and as nothing was ever discussed and I didn't keep links with people the memories faded quickly.

I actually think that this "trick" was shared around like some kind of useful parenting hack because I heard that my aunt and uncle did something very similar when their kids weren't behaving. I think my much younger step siblings had the same too. One time at a family gathering when chatting about how I cope with my own toddler's behaviour challenges, they mentioned it in a jokey way like "oh do you remember when dad used to do that to make us behave, haha that was funny, you should try that with your kids when they're playing up!". I guess they weren't that bothered by it and definitely weren't as scared of being alone in the dark etc as I was (even now I'm a bit of a wuss when it comes to sleeping alone in a room). But anyway I felt so weird when they mentioned it, like actually it felt really horrible at the time, yet they're all talking about it like it was just a funny parenting hack, on par with pretending the ice cream van music means that it's run out of ice cream

I don't know if it's specific to the 90s but threatening children with random “men” quite a common thing I thought.

Its not something that was done to me or that I would even contemplate but for a certain demographic it's a fairly standard thingive heard Thailand I'm sure readout it on here.

MIL used to tell DH and his siblings the ‘bad man would come and get them. I don’t know how that’s meant to make you sleep.

i resorted to phoning santa claus a couple of times in the 90s to assure him that my dcs behaviour would improve, usually when they were fighting. What your dad did was shit op but parents do stupid things sometimes. My mother used to tell my sister that the gypsies would come and take her if she didn't behave (late 60s), it didn't bother her in the slightest mind you. My older siblings used to talk about the bogey man, who would come and take you if you were bad, so presumably that was another threat of yore. As i said it's shit but assuming he was a loving father otherwise i think you should try and put it behind you.

I think threatening kids with the police or being taken away used to be quite common, because I remember seeing stuff from the police saying "don't make your kids scared of us, we want them to feel they can approach the police for help". So I don't think this approach was your parents being unusually mean - seems it was pretty normal for parents to say such things.

Yup.

My mum would tell me if I didn't go to bed, 'Jack Slick' (whoever the fuck he was) would come and get me. Or the police. Or she'd tell me that she'd tell my dad, and then I'd be sorry.

Honestly, such shitty behaviour.

This isn’t the same, but you’ve just given us a memory of my Mum occasionally putting one or other of us out of the car when we were misbehaving! I remember being really terrified of it!

💐 for you OP. Thinking about your childhood can bring up painful memories and uncomfortable thoughts and it’s hard when it’s all a bit hazy too. Sadly, I think like others have said, parenting styles around that time were not very child centred and I guess like always, when you know better, you try to do better. It’s such an eye opener when you think about it from a child’s perspective too which sounds like you are able to

@Elsaletmyballoongo

My mum would talk about sending us away or putting us out of the car in a layby. I also used to struggle with sleep as a child and would just be expected to lie there in the dark alone until I fell asleep even if I was stressed out, crying etc.. I spend vastly more time with and responding to my kids than my parents did with me. I think adults came before children back then (80s/90s). How is your relationship with your dad now?

I live far away so we hardly ever see eachother and we don't chat on the phone very often either, so not close, but I would still say we do love eachother, I always felt loved by both parents as a child even if some of the parenting methods weren't brilliant. I feel like it didn't occur to him that I was really suffering with the fear thing and that it wasn't just bedtime delaying tactics.

@Sevo7 I think that's the kind of thing he had in mind, a simple threat to stop the perceived "bad" behaviour. But in reality it was quite mean It's only now I have kids myself I really reflect on it and when I look at that 4 year old girl lying in bed scared I feel sorry for her! For this reason I will not force my children to sleep alone if they seem scared or that they really need the comfort of being close to a parent.

No. OP.
That never happened to us (and certainly not to my DC).

I'm really sorry it happened to you.

I think that's familiar to me but I don't remember being traumatised by it. I'm also a similar age to you. It don't remember anyone specifically picking up the phone but I wouldn't't be surprised if they did.

Seems like similar threats were fairly common. What is it with the "random men" threat

I tell my kids that our downstairs neighbours might get angry if they keep stomping around loudly in our flat, but I think that's a bit more or a "logical consequence" as well as actually being true! They don't seem particularly scared of this "threat" though as they know our neighbours are nice...

It's horrible but it's not the 90s, a few hundred years ago little children were threatened with Napoleon coming to get them and eat them up. A few thousand years ago little Roman children were scared into bed with threats of Hannibal Barca!

Children were regularly threatened with a visit from the bogeyman.
I think adults came before children back then (80s/90s)
Adults certainly did come before children then and they were expected to know their place in the pecking order with Dad at the top. I grew up in the 50s and growing up was actually a lot easier than now as there were no grey areas, respect for all adults was important as was instant obedience. My father was quite a Victorian in his way and the structure of our family life was written in stone, it was a 'seen and not heard' upbringing.

I remember my dad pretending to phone a man too!

You’re right, it is shitty but not uncommon. Parents in the 80s and 90s were smacked and hit with slippers and spoons as children in the 50s & 60s so I think in lots of ways they were trying to do better.

For the record, I have a good relationship with my mum, so it doesn't seem to have affected me. I think it's really commonplace.

@Grrretel

I remember my dad pretending to phone a man too!

You’re right, it is shitty but not uncommon. Parents in the 80s and 90s were smacked and hit with slippers and spoons as children in the 50s & 60s so I think in lots of ways they were trying to do better.

Yeah I think you're totally right. Physical abuse and public humiliation by teachers was just about still acceptable in schools when my parents were kids too, so I guess a pretend phonecall might have felt tame in comparison to older discipline methods.

@CornwallCucumber

Seems like similar threats were fairly common. What is it with the "random men" threat

I tell my kids that our downstairs neighbours might get angry if they keep stomping around loudly in our flat, but I think that's a bit more or a "logical consequence" as well as actually being true! They don't seem particularly scared of this "threat" though as they know our neighbours are nice...

I'd be happy to play the scary neighbour because I don't like noise, haha! I'd be quite effective!

One stare was enough to make my friend's kid stop his violent tantrum instantly. He stopped and went utterly silent and was too afraid to carry on. He was nice as pie after that to his mum. I've done it in shops too when I've seen a kids massively kicking off and I've wanted to give the poor mother a break to shop in peace. Usually the children are mesmerized 😂