How bad - or normal - was this parenting "trick"? (90s)

[CornwallCucumber]

Been thinking about my childhood recently and how little I can remember of it. I googled this and found something to do with depression and amnesia, and how kids with bad childhoods repress their memories. I don't think I was abused as a child but I tried to cast my memory back to my worst childhood experiences I could remember, wondering if anything could explain it. I came to the conclusion that it's probably just plain poor memory and nothing to do with trauma, but anyway - I remembered a "trick" my dad would use to get me to shut up and go to sleep, and now that I reflect on it as a parent myself it seems pretty cruel. I'm wondering how normal this sort of threat actually was back then:

I was always terrified of being on my own in a room especially at night and if I didn't have a parent with me I was too scared to fall asleep. If for whatever reason they didn't want to sit with me, I would scream and cry and refuse to sleep. If this continued and I didn't settle down my dad would pretend to phone a man to ask him to come and take me away because I wasn't behaving. He would actually pick up the phone and have a theatrically loud pretend conversation about how I'm being naughty and not sleeping and okay great, you can pick her up soon then. Then I'd go quiet because I was four and that sounded scary, and he'd say to this man, hang on, don't worry, she's settled down now. Then I'd just lie there feeling terrified, not of being taken away, but of whatever it was that scared me in the first place - monsters, the dark, ghosts, I'm not actually sure what precisely but I know it was a real fear and not just a bedtime delaying thing. And I guess I eventually did sleep. I don't know when it started and ended but I'm sure this trick was used from at least he age of 4-6.

Now I look back on it I think that was pretty shitty although I can see how you might go to desperate measures when dealing with kids who just won't sleep.

How normal were these sort of parenting threats in the 90s?

Also, this shouldn't be necessary and I'm sure it also has no legal standing but FUCK OFF tabloids, you do not have permission to share this story or quote any of my posts.

My mum used to do this this to us. She called him the naughty man.
She also still thinks it was appropriate to say to us ‘ I love you but I don’t fucking like you’

I was born in the seventies and would get beaten with a stick. Perhaps the 'scary man who will take you away' line was a notch down from beatings on the path to enlightenment / what is / isn't accepted parenting generally?

Meh - pretty standard back in the day

Well, me and my sister were hit pretty much everyday for not going to sleep. Born in the 60s. Threatened with the orphanage in a 'jokey' way. Though it wasn't funny to me. My sister was threatened with the children's home as a teenager. We did have an abusive alcoholic father and my Mum couldn't cope either, doped on Valium.

I told my children scary stories about what would happen if they weren't in bed as youngish children, but they are in their 20s now and don't appear traumatised.

It sounds like other stuff was going on in OPs household.

I think it was fairly common. My parents were told any minor thing wrong and they’d go to Hell forever, so telling us things would happen was less bad in comparison.

I don’t think this means your parents were evil or cruel, just following what wouid have been recommended and acceptable.

Even now there is ‘elf on the shelf’ and kids told Santa had a nighty and nice list.

I know people who still threaten their children with taking them to a children's home if they hate it home so much. Her eldest even got told to pack a bag and was taken in a car to some random old house behind big gates and told that's where she'd be living from now on.

Terrified them into behaving better.

I don't think, back in the 70s/80s or even 90s that psychology was far enough advanced in terms of childhood emotional damage being so far-reaching. It's better now - but some parents may still use the "tools" their parents did because they knew they worked - and some children, like your siblings, wouldn't have been AS affected by it as you.

Not every child has the same capacity to remember their childhood.
I can remember isolated events back to about 18mo, but my sister remembers extremely little from our childhood, which has been put down to her having a bike accident when she was about 15 and banged her head pretty hard (concussion). No actual trauma as such, for either of us. My best friend has a shocking memory and calls me her "memory book" as I remember all the stuff from our childhood that she doesn't - until I mention it and then it triggers the memory for her.

We were threatened with ‘Peckham house’ phone number Whitehall 1212
I don’t think I’m particularly traumatised.
When I worked in retail people used to say to their children all the time behave or that lady will smack you. Only a few years ago too.

Similar here OP! One of my memories was if I refused to eat food I didn’t like, which happened often, as we were all given the same food at mealtimes whether we liked it or not, then I was made to sit for hours at the table til I ate it. If I didn’t eat it, my dm used to pick up the phone and say she was phoning the children’s home to come and take me away. She used to have a pretend call with them whilst I was listening. When I mention it now, she denies it happened, but it did. You realise how cruel this is when you have your own DCs. That’s partly why I have never made my DCs eat their food - if they didn’t like it, or were full, I just cleared the plates away.

Should have included this - my husband was born in the 70s, and he remembers being belted for wrongdoing, with the buckle end for REALLY bad wrongdoing. He doesn't appear traumatised by it and has never lifted a hand to our boys - if anything he finds it quite funny now . But he lost his Dad before he was 18, so any memories of his Dad are precious to him, regardless of how physically painful they were at the time.

I'm sorry that this is still bothering you OP. For what it's worth, it seems like a lot of people here have experienced similar including myself. My mother used to threaten me that she would leave if I didn't behave all the time. I vividly remember being 3 and she would hide around the house and pretend she'd been taken away and I'd be hysterical with trying to get her back. She found it funny. When I was older she invented "The Mammy Market" which meant if I wasn't good, she'd disappear and I would have to go to the Mammy Market and I'd have to choose a new mother and I'd have to be careful because there aren't any nice ones left. I vividly remember her walking out of the house once and leaving me and my younger brother banging at the windows and crying. She only went to the corner shop and then came back but I can still see her disappearing around the corner like it was yesterday. I think it was common then (90s) and whenever I bring this up now it's laughed off with "At least we didn't hit you. That's what we would have had in our day". What can you say? She suggests I use these parenting techniques now with my DD and my partner was horrified esp when she suggested I go to a spa for the weekend and pretend I've disappeared so my DD will appreciate me more when I come back. Also that I come home with a fake baby wrapped up in a blanket and tell my DD that seeing as she wasn't good I've got a new baby to replace her. It's really messed up and she just laughs and says "well it worked with you". I've had massive abandonment issues all my life and I'm convinced it's due to this past trauma. I know how you feel.

Children's stories were originally based around the same theme. Being bad always had some sinister repercussion. I think we psychoanalyse everything too much these days.

I think it's interesting how many people on this thread assume that we're 'better' now and now we've 'got it right'. I suspect that the current generation of children will have plenty of criticisms of how they're parented, just like every generation before them.

Child of the 70s and it was pretty normal to be honest, wasn't ideal though!

My mother used to constantly say she regretted having us and she would leave us one day then we would be sorry. No one made her have 5 children! I struggled to like her now since she spent our childhood putting herself first. Money spent on herself not us, always had lots of shoes clothes etc and we had little. It just meant I went the other way with mine. I sacrificed so that they could have everything.

@Hardbackwriter

I think it's interesting how many people on this thread assume that we're 'better' now and now we've 'got it right'. I suspect that the current generation of children will have plenty of criticisms of how they're parented, just like every generation before them.

I agree with this. I don't think there actually is a single solution that is right for every child. Some will respond better to "tough love", others to a shielding environment, others to logic and reason.

All we can do is try our best and not replicate the worst "mistakes" that our own parents made, that negatively affected us.

My dad used to do this! In fact I remember the day my little sister had enough so packed her bag with a teddy and pyjamas while my dad was on the "phone" and she stood by the door waiting for her "new parents". Still cracks us up.

I don't feel bothered by it, but there are a few other questionable things they did for discipline that I think do affect me now as an adult.

I grew up in the 50s and growing up was actually a lot easier than now as there were no grey areas, respect for all adults was important as was instant obedience.

A lot easier ..

A lot easier for adults to abuse children and get away with it,.yes.

Just to add, yes, a 90s child here and I was told the police or social services were being called to take me away when I misbehaved. My mum and step-dad also pretended to ring my friends at school if I told lies to tell them what is done. And they made me put my hand on a bible when I lied and told me if I still lied then the angels would take me away like they had my father (he died when I was 4). I guess it was pretty common. I wouldn't dream of doing the same to my kids but the only lasting effect was a recurring nightmare about the angels taking me away until I was a late teen. Also a general fear of social services but I think that's common among parents.

@bofski14

Your mother sounds like she has a personality disorder.

I don’t think this is just a 90’s thing. I was walking my dog in the park recently and I overheard a mum telling her two kids if they didn’t behave she would ask the policeman to take them away.

People also expect their parents to love them unconditionally and for someone from my generation, class and location the idea that your parents might like you, let alone love you is laughable.

Seriously? What generation, class and location is that? It sounds utterly awful. Honestly, if you grew up believing there was no possibility that parents would like their children, that is down to your parents - it's not a generational, class or location thing.

@Hardbackwriter

I think it's interesting how many people on this thread assume that we're 'better' now and now we've 'got it right'. I suspect that the current generation of children will have plenty of criticisms of how they're parented, just like every generation before them.

This

I’m so glad it wasn’t just me that was threatened with random celebrities. We were direly warned of Kylie Minogue.

.

Wtf, Kylie Minogue had to be one of the least scary of threatening people ever