How bad - or normal - was this parenting "trick"? (90s)

[CornwallCucumber]

Been thinking about my childhood recently and how little I can remember of it. I googled this and found something to do with depression and amnesia, and how kids with bad childhoods repress their memories. I don't think I was abused as a child but I tried to cast my memory back to my worst childhood experiences I could remember, wondering if anything could explain it. I came to the conclusion that it's probably just plain poor memory and nothing to do with trauma, but anyway - I remembered a "trick" my dad would use to get me to shut up and go to sleep, and now that I reflect on it as a parent myself it seems pretty cruel. I'm wondering how normal this sort of threat actually was back then:

I was always terrified of being on my own in a room especially at night and if I didn't have a parent with me I was too scared to fall asleep. If for whatever reason they didn't want to sit with me, I would scream and cry and refuse to sleep. If this continued and I didn't settle down my dad would pretend to phone a man to ask him to come and take me away because I wasn't behaving. He would actually pick up the phone and have a theatrically loud pretend conversation about how I'm being naughty and not sleeping and okay great, you can pick her up soon then. Then I'd go quiet because I was four and that sounded scary, and he'd say to this man, hang on, don't worry, she's settled down now. Then I'd just lie there feeling terrified, not of being taken away, but of whatever it was that scared me in the first place - monsters, the dark, ghosts, I'm not actually sure what precisely but I know it was a real fear and not just a bedtime delaying thing. And I guess I eventually did sleep. I don't know when it started and ended but I'm sure this trick was used from at least he age of 4-6.

Now I look back on it I think that was pretty shitty although I can see how you might go to desperate measures when dealing with kids who just won't sleep.

How normal were these sort of parenting threats in the 90s?

Also, this shouldn't be necessary and I'm sure it also has no legal standing but FUCK OFF tabloids, you do not have permission to share this story or quote any of my posts.

L

@Hardbackwriter

We are going to have 45 year olds talking about the horror of the naughty step and the stress of the sticker charts?

Yes, I think we will. Because they won't see things in exactly the same ways as their parents. Or they won't talk about sticker charts, but will talk about how they never developed resilience, etc. I don't know what issues my own DC will have - obviously I'm trying to parent in a way that aims not to cause any, but realistically they will have issues that stem because literally every human alive does and so I'm not going to produce the first psychologically flawless people.

I don't think you can ever 'tell' how your parenting worked out until your children are well into adulthood, and maybe not then. My views on how I was parented have changed since I had my own DC. I think an alarming thing about how a lot of attachment/gentle parenting is marketed is that parents are told that it might be harder work when their DC are tiny but then they'll never have any problems again because their DC will be so secure, confident, well-adjusted, etc. I think that's setting up a lot of false hope and that some parents will be very bewildered when that doesn't happen - in the worst cases I think 'but we co-slept!' might become the new 'but we took you to stately homes!'

That all depends on what one would define as gentle parenting. If gentle parenting means not telling your kids off, then I suspect quite a lot of them will grow up to be entitled, selfish, and difficult to work with. They will not have heard the word 'no' enough times to be able to handle rejection.

That should read:

realistically they will have issues that stem in part from their childhood because literally every human alive does

^ dropped my phone just as I started typing sorry!

My Dad used to do this kind of thing but I never saw it as being abusive or anything 🤷🏼‍♀️ with him it was 'the naughty girls home'
I knew I was being a little shit and that my mum would never let him actually send me
Perhaps different if it comes from a place of fear though.
I regularly threaten to sell mine on eBay, but never if they're scared or upset about something, just when they're being obnoxious little feckers

I think even if you do gentle parenting perfectly there just isn't a way of parenting that will guarantee that your DC will be well-behaved, that they won't rebel as teenagers, that you'll have a great relationship throughout their childhood and beyond - of course parenting makes a difference to those things but not always in predictable and controllable ways.

I just think that a (really positive) shift to considering early experiences as more important sometimes translates into a worrying trend to make parents feel like if they 'get it right' early on all will be sorted, which is a) a lot of pressure to put on those early years and b) is going to lead some people to be very disappointed when their children are still anxious, defiant, difficult, etc. despite doing it all 'right' - and I think the real risk is that they transfer that disappointment onto their children.

I think a lot of the parenting in the past should stay there but I think parents nowadays are becoming more and more ineffectual. There was a thread on here once where a woman was disgusted and wanted to report a woman she heard in a supermarket calling her preteen DD a pest. I've also heard posters want to report everyone they ever see in public raising their voice at their DC. It's become ridiculous imo. I think many parents are terrified of disciplining their DC. I remember walking down the street and a mum and a boy in front of me. Mum asked him an innocuous question, he told her to shut up. She turned round and saw me and looked a bit nervous and didn't say a thing about how her son had spoken to her. I thought if this was the seventies he'd have got a clip round the ear for that, now this mother looks terrified to even tell him off verbally.

My parents used to use the threat of the 'awful home' (Orphanage) in the 80's. I can remember crying so much from fear that I would throw up and then get beaten on my bottom, legs and back with a leather belt. Fucking cunts.

I have never once had to use the threat of being sent/taken away or being watched by anyone to make my DC behave. Before anyone says I completely understand that not all DC are the same and other DC require other ways of stopping bad behaviour but there are always other ways to do that without giving your child a complex about being watched or taken away.

My parents used to threaten to phone Santa but we all knew it was a joke. Quite different from deliberately frightening a child.

I grew up in the 80s and was afraid of ghosts and such lurking in the dark and my mum never did something like that. But traditional songs have the bogey man, one lullaby says little child fall asleep or the bogey man will come to take you away. It isnt something of the 90s, it is an old old ploy. Your dad gave it a modern touch by using the telephone...

I guess it's all about balance too. I had the odd smacked bum and 'the man' got called a few times but I also had plenty of love, warmth, security etc
I'm close to both my parents and don't think I've been negatively affected by any of their 'techniques'

Going against the grain I don’t think this is really that bad or abusive. A bit mean perhaps but I’m sure most of my friends have mentioned their parents doing similar tricks and none of us are traumatised.

Exactly this.

My hubby says he remembers his mum getting angry, locking him and siblings in the house and then getting in the car and driving round the corner (she did it regularly he says). He remembers crying and crying at the door for his mummy, terrified she wouldn't come back and this trauma has stayed with him 40 odd years. Awful.

I completely understand now as a mum how some days you WANT to get in the car and have 5 minutes peace from whiney kids... but I would never do it as I couldn't bear the thought I would cause that sort of pain to my children.

Makes me want to cry just imagining what you (and my DH) must have gone through with such manipulative parents.

My parents used to do this, they'd pretend to phone my teachers or headmaster. I hated it and always felt wary of my teachers because I thought they knew all of the things I got up to at home and thought I was a bad child. I can't ever imagine making my children think that their teachers thought badly of them, its a horrible thing to do.

My parents would threaten to pull over and leave us at the side of the road for gypsies to take us if we were acting up in car and also threaten same if we wouldn’t go to sleep. No impact on us whatsoever and I have a fantastic relationship with my wonderful parents - as we all do. It seems odd to be that this incident alone would cause you amnesia and depression and black outs. Very severe reaction. We actually joke about it as adults.

That does sound traumatic. I think a lot of parents used methods that have not stood the test of time. We had the boogie man and the child snatcher, depending what day it was, so when we played out we didn't go too far or they'd get us. That meant the end of the street, and I remember every time we went round he corner (with a grown up!) I would run because I thought they might not be able to protect me. If I was naughty when out I'd get told I would have to live there forever. Just throw away comments really but they stayed with me. There are things I've done myself to my kids though, like saying if you don't behave then you'll get coal in your stocking. Then I double think and am like, wtf would I tell someone that?

From my experience parenting years ago was shit all around. People didint really care about kids then, like they do now.

That’s my experience of it anyway.

It's a great shame you had a bad childhood but ludicrous to claim that people didn't care about their children.

While its pretty cruel, I don't think it was unusual, intact people will still use threats or "tricks" like that today.
It looks like you are searching for terrible things that happened in your childhood? I had a perfectly fine childhood, I can hardly remember any of it. Thats pretty normal.

My parents changed their childminder after she threatened my db with the police taking him away. This would have been around 1962.

I don't think a lack of silly threats makes your parenting ineffectual, quite the opposite, I would say.

My DH said to ds the other day if he didn't stop the man would be cross. I was trying so hard not to laugh, I asked him on the qt would the man with the van be taking him away next. I know someone who used to point out the actual van the man would take them in.

It's times like those I'm grateful we have screens because without those precious peace creators I'm sure I'd have some dubious techniques.

People didn't realise that these things would have a negative effect on children. Even although ut wasn't that long ago. A lot of people still don't, and its not because they don't care about their kids, thats ridiculous. With every generation we learn more about child development and the effects of certain things on children.
Now I think parents are far to lenient on their children to the point they allow them to put themselves in dangerous situations because no one wants to tell them no, or give them into trouble. I work with kids and see this a lot. In years to come we will see the effect that has on them as adults. I don't think its going to be great to be honest.

To clarify my comment about doing better. It's more each generation does a certain area of parenting better. Some areas worse I'd imagine too. I dont believe this generation has got it right. There will never be a perfect parent but I think leaving smacking behind is only a good thing. Our children will have plenty to talk about what we have gotten wrong and they will adjust their parenting style accordingly. Regardless of parenting style I believe all parents (bar abusive situations ) parent in a way they believe is best with the knowledge and experience they have which is what really matters

I remember my mum putting my brother and I in the car (presumably we had been arguing a lot) telling us she was going to take us to the local children's home. I must have been about 8 I think. She drove there and parked up outside. I remember the tears, begging and feeling of absolute terror. We were smacked occasionally as well. From talking to other friends of a similar age (I'm 41) I think a lot of parents used similar strategies in the 80s - it was a very different world to the one my own children inhabit.

A few years ago ds was playing up in tesco, dp saw a police man at the end of the Isle and said to ds "look there's the policeman coming to take you away because you are being naughty", the police officer was no amused and told dp he should say that, because it makes children to scared to go to the police if they are in danger, lost etc. I silently had a little chuckle to myself.

I grew up in the sixties and seventies and didn't experience any of those threats from my parents. My dad was a fairly enlightened disciplinarian though. If we were squabbling in the car he would pull over and say "this car won't go when children are fighting" and sit there until we were so bored we were begging him to drive on

Or if we were really misbehaving he would say "your name is going on the naughty list" but we never knew exactly what the consequences of being on the naughty list were .. and strangely never asked.

Never any unrealistic threats and I stuck to that with my kids growing up in the 80s and 90s. Whereas DH was brought up with his mum threatening ridiculous things: "if you don't stop doing that we won't be going on holiday tomorrow" etc. It took a bit of an effort to help him see that was a pointless approach. I preferred "if you don't stop messingg about kicking each other there'll be no time to stop at the cafe on the way home from the supermarket" sort of punishment.

I would try to explain stuff calmly but sometimes I'd just grab them and make them do what they should be doing. I'm not going to have older kids late for school because a two-year-old doesn't fancy putting their shoes on.

I don't like naughty steps and hate star charts. I do believe in explaining my reasons: "you need to get to sleep now otherwise you'll be tired and grumpy at school tomorrow" for example. Not everything should need to become a negotiation or a deal. Do some people find star charts work though?