Upset by his internet friendship

[ALifeBackwards]

I feel a bit stupid about this. It feels petty and childish, but equally, it's upsetting me. If it makes any difference, I have ASD and struggle with social media 'relationships'.

During lockdown, my partner and I were apart, and I became more active on Facebook and Instagram. I noticed an attractive woman who likes all my partner's posts. He passed on her plea for help with a
project, and tried to directly help himself. She's a photographer/model/actress in another country.

She liked his EVERY post, so at first I thought it was a bot. I then saw one comment that he made about "OMG" how her skill was amazing, and was there more, she looks like this or that... The comment made me feel uncomfortable. I asked him about it, he said that she is a "friend" and that he messages her to ask about her skill set. Yeah, I bet - why are these never male & handsome photographers to get advice from?! It looks more like he's a devoted fan (she has over 10k followers) and that she just replies to everyone.

He stopped making comments on my request, when I told him it makes me feel crap. We had a bit of a laugh about it in the end, and I even added her as a friend myself, to see if she would like all my posts, too (which she does). There was nothing for a bit. Now he has started liking her pics again and I suspect he is messaging her.

For some reason, this really upsets me. The thought that he is telling her how good she looks, how amazing she is, blah blah, is upsetting to me, especially as he works away some of the time. I feel like he is creating a sense of intimacy with another woman, especially during the times we are apart.

At the same time, I feel really stupid, childish and insecure. She's a public (ish) figure! She's in another country! She's married! (He told me she told him this in the context of why she's in that country... so clearly they talk about stuff other than the skill).

It makes me feel soooo uncomfortable. I want to ask him to end the friendship, but at the same time, I feel stupid about myself for doing this. I asked him how he would feel if it was me writing these comments and messaging a man, and he sort of shrugged.

It's the exact petty nature that pisses me off. It's not even a proper friendship. He said he gets info from her site - well after 2 years, surely he's had enough info. She just repeats a whole load of stuff, anyway. If he sees it's upsetting me so much, why doesn't he just unfriend and unfollow her?

Can anyone give me some advice, please?

He's being a bit of a knob. Sounds like he enjoys the ego stroke he gets from her replying to him.

Thinking on it, I'm really not sure how I would handle this situation either.

Has he form for being unempathetic/selfish in other ways?

Thanks, Bunnymumy

Yes, I think it may be an ego boost. I’m glad I’m not alone in not knowing how to handle it

Has he form for being unempathetic/selfish in other ways?
He did do one other hurtful thing, which was to keep old dates “followed” on Instagram, even women who he didn’t get round to meeting up with, but just messaged. I told him it makes me feel like he has a waiting list.

I think his boundary for someone being a friend is different to mine. He is a pretty friendly sort of person...

But they aren't his friends though.
I can understand why you feel that way, about them being like a waiting list of potential dates.

I guess it's not a huge deal (provided he isnt flirting with them ect)...but it would make me uncomfortable too. Especially considering the behaviour with the supposedly married 'friend'.

I meant more like in day to day life though. Do you feel he's ...got your back?

My main worry would ge that you've already told him how hurtful you find this friendship and yet he us still doing it. The disregard for your feelings you know...

Offline though

Thanks, Bunnymumy,
Offline, he is generous and caring. We have excellent chemistry, and we work together well. On the whole, I feel he has “got my back”, although sometimes I do feel he could instigate things a bit more, and see my point of view a bit more. But generally, he seems supportive.

I think that's the most important thing then. Unless he's given you cause to think he is up to something (flirting with local women ect...) then maybe just best to let it slide. I think I'd have one last wee chat with him about how you dont really feel its appropriate for him to be chatting with this married woman though. Then i'd maybe give it 'but I trust you to police yourself and behave morally and in future. Just...dont be a bellend' xD

Then I'd just trust my gut going forwards in future.

The only other concern was that in one interaction with said past date, he said he had just been thinking of her yesterday, and wondered how she was. She’s married now & replies that all is well with her. She’s not following him, but he is her. I told him this looks predatory. He had one other female friendships IRL that made me upset once (she was overly flirty during a party & gave him a shoulder massage & he didn’t flinch) but she’s off the scene now.

I dunno what my gut instinct says. We have such a good relationship in many other ways, and seem on the same page. I think generally, he’s a friendly guy and I can trust him not to cheat. It’s more about how he has his ego massaged. I just don’t think he will budge on his ideas that he can still have this “friendship”. It upsets me v much.

Sorry about typos!

I mean... am I being controlling by asking him to end the friendship?

If a partner asked me, I would probably end it. Their happiness and security would mean more to me than some internet thing.

I think if it's really stressing you then it's not controlling to ask them. It's not as if this woman is a close personal friend he has known for years. She is some random on the internet.

And I agree op, if I were in that situation I would end the 'friendship' too rather than hurt my partner.

Ultimately op, you are allowed to feel how you feel about things. To have the boundaries you want to have. To have non negotiables.

I just wonder if this situation is quite worth tearing yourself apart about though...?

That being said...telling that other lass he'd been thinking of her...inappropriate (unless maybe they dated ovet a long period of time in the past and he just genuinely meant it as a friendly thing?).

I think I'd just...keep an eye on things op. Either that or have a serious chat but I think that might be overkill atm and also, if he continued to speak to this women after the chat then...it might mean that in order to respect yourself, you'd have leave him.

I think you have different boundaries in what you feel is acceptable in a relationship. My boundaries are aligned more with you than your partner so I totally understand your discomfort.

I'm with @Bunnymumy though, it's a difficult one because on the one hand he should be listening to your concerns but on the other hand he's not really doing anything wrong and it could be perceived as controlling to tell him to stop it.

But I agree with you, it would make me uncomfortable. If my husband messaged another women telling her he was thinking of her... I'm thinking some of the women he sees regularly this would be fine, other women, not so fine. An ex?
That would definitely not be fine with me. I think this does cross a boundary and I would ask my husband to have more respect for our relationship than that.

Also I know I would feel uneasy with a man who needs a lot of attention like your partner seems to enjoy, I prefer a man to have more confidence and self belief in himself. It really does make life easier. So ultimately I'm wrapping myself in knots here.... because I don't know what to suggest....

I have thought about it and I have no doubt in my head that I would ask my husband to end the friendship in the scenario you describe. People can talk about being controlling, boundary crossing all day long. I know the friendship would affect how I felt about the relationship and I dont think asking your partner to consider your feelings about it is wrong.

But that is based on me and my knowledge about my relationship. How do you imagine the conversation going in your relationship?

He sounds like an overly flirtatious fool.
She sounds like someone trying to make a name for herself and make money on social media.
Do you think she could be asking him for money?

The "waiting list" comment is spot on. I knew someone a while ago who did the exact same, friended all potential dates from OD even if they didn't end up meeting up. Did this with one potential, then met another and started a long term relationship. In the meantime introduced the "potential" to another friend and they started a relationship. A few years later the first long term relationship ends, closely followed by the other, and they end up together.

Also in my younger days I used to friend people from OD and they were definitely a different "category" to me than other friends. Potential dates, flirting partners or just ego boosts. Not a "friend" in any real sense. I think there's a huge difference between a work friend/old friend from school/family friend etc and someone you've just met on a dating site or followed on Instagram etc.

@ravenmum

He sounds like an overly flirtatious fool. She sounds like someone trying to make a name for herself and make money on social media. Do you think she could be asking him for money?

Thank you, ravenmum No, she’s not asking him for money, but you’re right, I think she’s trying to make a name for herself...

@FluffyTRex

The "waiting list" comment is spot on. I knew someone a while ago who did the exact same, friended all potential dates from OD even if they didn't end up meeting up. Did this with one potential, then met another and started a long term relationship. In the meantime introduced the "potential" to another friend and they started a relationship. A few years later the first long term relationship ends, closely followed by the other, and they end up together.

Also in my younger days I used to friend people from OD and they were definitely a different "category" to me than other friends. Potential dates, flirting partners or just ego boosts. Not a "friend" in any real sense. I think there's a huge difference between a work friend/old friend from school/family friend etc and someone you've just met on a dating site or followed on Instagram etc.

It feels like a lack of commitment to our relationship. He doesn’t seem to see that it’s inappropriate to keep these links going when you’re in a (supposedly) happy and committed relationship.

I had to ask him to tell one ex-date woman who kept emailing him, that he is now in a relationship and that therefore his gf thinks it’s inappropriate to keep in touch in the way that she was doing. Thankfully he could see the logic and did do this. But it still had to come from me.

I had something similar with DH. It really annoyed me but I didn’t want to be that person who told him who he could or couldn’t talk/interact with.

In the end I just teased him for his obsession with his ‘virtual’ friend a la The Inbetweeners (“oooh internet fwend” “virtual fwend” “make believe fwend” as well as saying I bet it’s not even really a woman, it’s a man pretending to be a woman etc) and really emphasised how sad and pathetic he appeared being obsessed with someone he didn’t actually know. He quickly got the picture, especially when I noticed him messaging her on his phone and I started saying stuff like “well whilst you’re down here being boring, talking to your Facebook fwend, I’m going upstairs and having a romantic bath with a bottle of wine...”

He soon got bored of talking to someone he was never going to meet! Especially when I was so much more enticing

I think he should show you the messages just to give you a peace of mind, if there's nothing to hide, he shouldn't have a problem, what does he expect if keeps messaging an attractive woman!
If it was just following, likes etc maybe not so much of a problem but I don't really know why he needs to message.
Being me I'd find my own ego boost to follow.

Ask him in all seriousness if she employs someone to reply to the messages, as other social media personalities do. www.prospects.ac.uk/job-profiles/social-media-manager

Also what kind of advertising she does in her messages to him, and who she encourages him to share content with. With an attitude of honest curiosity, ask how much she makes through her social media activities and whether he could even join her team as a second job.

Every time he paints it as friendship, act with mild surprise that he does not see it as advertising.

@Bunnymumy

I think if it's really stressing you then it's not controlling to ask them. It's not as if this woman is a close personal friend he has known for years. She is some random on the internet.

And I agree op, if I were in that situation I would end the 'friendship' too rather than hurt my partner.

Ultimately op, you are allowed to feel how you feel about things. To have the boundaries you want to have. To have non negotiables.

I just wonder if this situation is quite worth tearing yourself apart about though...?

That being said...telling that other lass he'd been thinking of her...inappropriate (unless maybe they dated ovet a long period of time in the past and he just genuinely meant it as a friendly thing?).

I think I'd just...keep an eye on things op. Either that or have a serious chat but I think that might be overkill atm and also, if he continued to speak to this women after the chat then...it might mean that in order to respect yourself, you'd have leave him.

This is very helpful, thank you for your messages, Bunnymumy Yes! It's not like this is a close, personal friend. He didn't even mention her to me until I noticed, which made me even more suspicious.

That's a good reminder about my boundaries. On the one hand, I think this isn't a 'sackable offence' but on the other hand, it doesn't make me feel good. Yes, I'm stuck - is it worth tearing myself up over this? I don't know.

@TheChristmasPrincess

I had something similar with DH. It really annoyed me but I didn’t want to be that person who told him who he could or couldn’t talk/interact with.

In the end I just teased him for his obsession with his ‘virtual’ friend a la The Inbetweeners (“oooh internet fwend” “virtual fwend” “make believe fwend” as well as saying I bet it’s not even really a woman, it’s a man pretending to be a woman etc) and really emphasised how sad and pathetic he appeared being obsessed with someone he didn’t actually know. He quickly got the picture, especially when I noticed him messaging her on his phone and I started saying stuff like “well whilst you’re down here being boring, talking to your Facebook fwend, I’m going upstairs and having a romantic bath with a bottle of wine...”

He soon got bored of talking to someone he was never going to meet! Especially when I was so much more enticing

That's pretty funny, ChristmasPrincess! I tried a bit of teasing and he sort of went along with it, but I feel too bitter. And he communicates with her when I am not there, I think. It all feels more secretive than that.

Also express surprise at how quickly she likes posts, and mention casually that she might be using a bot to like them automatically.

At the same time, consider whether you are turned on by a drooling fanboy whose brain stops working when he thinks a pretty woman likes him.

@seensome

I think he should show you the messages just to give you a peace of mind, if there's nothing to hide, he shouldn't have a problem, what does he expect if keeps messaging an attractive woman! If it was just following, likes etc maybe not so much of a problem but I don't really know why he needs to message. Being me I'd find my own ego boost to follow.

I'm in two minds about this. On the one hand, I don't want to see - I should be able to trust him. On the other, yes, I wonder why, when he said that he messages her about photography tips, he didn't just show me the messages to prove it. I expect I already know the answer. Which is exactly why I am unhappy about the "friendship".

Unfortunately, I find this sort of thing too juvenile and tedious to be ego boosting.

@NextOnesaGreyGoose

I think you have different boundaries in what you feel is acceptable in a relationship. My boundaries are aligned more with you than your partner so I totally understand your discomfort.

I'm with @Bunnymumy though, it's a difficult one because on the one hand he should be listening to your concerns but on the other hand he's not really doing anything wrong and it could be perceived as controlling to tell him to stop it.

But I agree with you, it would make me uncomfortable. If my husband messaged another women telling her he was thinking of her... I'm thinking some of the women he sees regularly this would be fine, other women, not so fine. An ex?
That would definitely not be fine with me. I think this does cross a boundary and I would ask my husband to have more respect for our relationship than that.

Also I know I would feel uneasy with a man who needs a lot of attention like your partner seems to enjoy, I prefer a man to have more confidence and self belief in himself. It really does make life easier. So ultimately I'm wrapping myself in knots here.... because I don't know what to suggest....

Thank you, GreyGoose Yes, clearly we have different boundaries as to what is acceptable. I'm glad you understand my discomfort. I sometimes worry that I am perceived as too controlling or insecure.

Yes, fundamentally, it's about the level of respect for our relationship.

Hmm yes, it does seem a lot of ego attention. At first I thought it was just my perception, but no other boyfriend I have had has done this.

@ravenmum

Also express surprise at how quickly she likes posts, and mention casually that she might be using a bot to like them automatically.

At the same time, consider whether you are turned on by a drooling fanboy whose brain stops working when he thinks a pretty woman likes him.

Yes, ravenmum, I did that at the start. I mentioned that she might be using a bot, and he said no, no, she is real, because we have exchanged messages. He mentioned in passing that she is married and this is how she came to be in her country. I asked him if she knows he has a partner, and he said no, because it wasn't relevant to their discussion about the particular skill.

Yes, it is quite a turn off to have a partner who is thinking like this. I need to talk to him some more.