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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Upset by his internet friendship

96 replies

ALifeBackwards · 02/09/2020 12:13

I feel a bit stupid about this. It feels petty and childish, but equally, it's upsetting me. If it makes any difference, I have ASD and struggle with social media 'relationships'.

During lockdown, my partner and I were apart, and I became more active on Facebook and Instagram. I noticed an attractive woman who likes all my partner's posts. He passed on her plea for help with a
project, and tried to directly help himself. She's a photographer/model/actress in another country.

She liked his EVERY post, so at first I thought it was a bot. I then saw one comment that he made about "OMG" how her skill was amazing, and was there more, she looks like this or that... The comment made me feel uncomfortable. I asked him about it, he said that she is a "friend" and that he messages her to ask about her skill set. Yeah, I bet - why are these never male & handsome photographers to get advice from?! It looks more like he's a devoted fan (she has over 10k followers) and that she just replies to everyone.

He stopped making comments on my request, when I told him it makes me feel crap. We had a bit of a laugh about it in the end, and I even added her as a friend myself, to see if she would like all my posts, too (which she does). There was nothing for a bit. Now he has started liking her pics again and I suspect he is messaging her.

For some reason, this really upsets me. The thought that he is telling her how good she looks, how amazing she is, blah blah, is upsetting to me, especially as he works away some of the time. I feel like he is creating a sense of intimacy with another woman, especially during the times we are apart.

At the same time, I feel really stupid, childish and insecure. She's a public (ish) figure! She's in another country! She's married! (He told me she told him this in the context of why she's in that country... so clearly they talk about stuff other than the skill).

It makes me feel soooo uncomfortable. I want to ask him to end the friendship, but at the same time, I feel stupid about myself for doing this. I asked him how he would feel if it was me writing these comments and messaging a man, and he sort of shrugged.

It's the exact petty nature that pisses me off. It's not even a proper friendship. He said he gets info from her site - well after 2 years, surely he's had enough info. She just repeats a whole load of stuff, anyway. If he sees it's upsetting me so much, why doesn't he just unfriend and unfollow her?

OP posts:

ravenmum · 04/09/2020 16:06

Did you experience a loss in the past?

Original poster

ALifeBackwards · 04/09/2020 16:07

@ravenmum

An app, as women are sometimes (very dodgily) advised to do on MN when they need proof their partner is cheating?

Along those lines, yes... I do believe that she overstepped the mark.

He sometimes refers to the fear of those days, it clearly shook him.

OP posts:

Original poster

ALifeBackwards · 04/09/2020 16:08

@ravenmum

Did you experience a loss in the past?

Many losses

Neglect Abuse Etc.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 04/09/2020 16:09

From partners or also from your parents?

Original poster

ALifeBackwards · 04/09/2020 16:12

Mostly from my parents. But this led to me getting into some unsavoury relationships which were abusive. Ironically, my marriage was ok and he was a decent person, but incompetent around the house, and emotionless.

This chap... I feel like I have found happiness. But I recognise that he activates a cycle of anxiety like I used to feel with my parents. One minute the golden girl, another minute less so. I guess that's why this "friendship" has hit a nerve. How dare he make her the golden girl?! Yet as he demonstrated, human emotion is not black and white like that and we can't charactise humans in this way.

OP posts:

Original poster

ALifeBackwards · 04/09/2020 16:14

Sorry to go on... this feels pretty indulgent.

It doesn't help that when I don't have my DCs, he and I live together and share most of our days in each other's company. When I have the DCs, every other week, I suddenly feel like I have to airbrush him out, as one of my kids doesn't like him. I have been working on this recently. It makes the weeks together very intense.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 04/09/2020 16:17

Have you had any talking therapy as well as the CBT? If not, might be worth going at it from two angles.

Original poster

ALifeBackwards · 04/09/2020 16:19

I was wondering the same thing. I had a few years worth (yes, really) during the divorce. Sadly, I can't afford it right now.

Is it possible to have both at the same time? I wonder if I should contact my old therapist and see if she will see me at a reduced rate.

OP posts:

SoulofanAggron · 04/09/2020 23:53

I used to think I had a dangerously bad fear of rejection. Like, I dreaded the thought of it from anyone and didn't know how I'd cope.

I do have a fear of rejection due to childhood bullying, but my relationship with my 'ex' was massively exagerrating it. Now I'm not involved with him I realize I'm not half as terrified due to this childhood neurosis as I thought.

He was massively magnifying my anxiety due to how he acted in various ways.

@ALifeBackwards You might find your current anxieties are not how you naturally are, not at this current level, they are being amplified by being involved by this bloke. But you can't really know that at this moment in time.

Therapy is often good though- I had more therapy about different issues, and will go back to the rejection ones.

EMDR therapy is good for painful memories or the emotional consequences of them.

Original poster

ALifeBackwards · 05/09/2020 00:28

Hey thanks, Soul
We had an even longer talk this afternoon about my trauma. You’ve hit the nail on the head. Whilst I do have a fear of rejection, I’m not sure how much he is magnifying it through the seemingly small actions which I feel demean me. He put his view across calmly and made some very valid points, but when I noted to him that his Instagram shortcut was set on her name (he was showing me something else on his phone) he got cross and said he’d had enough. I pointed out that if he has the right to be connected to her, I have the right to be upset over it. He said it’s ridiculous and that she’s more than half his age, and that I’m making a big deal out of nothing, a mountain out of a molehill, etc.

Yes. I am a stronger person alone and I certainly feel the same about my DP - his behaviours magnify my anxieties. It was good to talk that through with him today.

I wonder if it can change. I’m just waiting mentally until I reach the end of my tether. But he has so many saving features, and we get on very well, I think it’s not getting to that point. It helps me to hear his fears. His fears revolve around feeling controlled & being stonewalled & sulked around (which I don’t do!) which helps me to know. No worries see we are pushing and pulling over this, and a few other issues.

I’ve been wondering about EMDR for some time. Thanks for the suggestion - also for the supportive post

OP posts:

Anordinarymum · 05/09/2020 00:36

She's an actress/photographer/model in another country. I expect she is more than this. She has flattered his ego and I bet she does it to hundreds of other suckers like your guy.

What is more of a worry is him giving her attention when it is clearly wrong.

CatAndHisKit · 05/09/2020 02:18

if she's much older and a talent in photography, I do think he's goot a point that you blew it out of proportion. Unless he is prone to lying easily generally-speaking, I'd believe him. He didn't seem embarassed - and as you say he's very friendly overall.
I think there is a point where you going on about it must annoy him - I don't think it's fair to say you'll keep being upset instead of listening to him and trusting that there's nothing dodgy- just trying to see myself in his shoes.
As you say he's a good partner in general. It is a bit of clash of 'fears' on both parts - maybe try a few sessions as a couple in counselling, it tends to help when the two types of fears/insecurities clash.

CatAndHisKit · 05/09/2020 02:19

*bit of a clash

Original poster

ALifeBackwards · 05/09/2020 04:09

@Anordinarymum

She's an actress/photographer/model in another country. I expect she is more than this. She has flattered his ego and I bet she does it to hundreds of other suckers like your guy.

What is more of a worry is him giving her attention when it is clearly wrong.

No, I don’t think she is more than this. But yes, I think she has flattered his ego, and yes, I don’t like him giving her his attention.

OP posts:

Original poster

ALifeBackwards · 05/09/2020 04:12

@CatAndHisKit

if she's much older and a talent in photography, I do think he's goot a point that you blew it out of proportion. Unless he is prone to lying easily generally-speaking, I'd believe him. He didn't seem embarassed - and as you say he's very friendly overall. I think there is a point where you going on about it must annoy him - I don't think it's fair to say you'll keep being upset instead of listening to him and trusting that there's nothing dodgy- just trying to see myself in his shoes. As you say he's a good partner in general. It is a bit of clash of 'fears' on both parts - maybe try a few sessions as a couple in counselling, it tends to help when the two types of fears/insecurities clash.

She is much younger, @CatAndHisKit. I really don’t know any more! He’s prone to exaggerating... I think if he says it’s not worth worrying about, maybe he’s right. So why doesn’t he just show me the messages?!

Yes, going on about it is annoying him. But on the other hand, it feels unresolved. I don’t think he would agree to counselling, although we talked it through a lot yesterday.

OP posts:

Original poster

ALifeBackwards · 05/09/2020 04:20

It sits badly on my stomach, especially when we are apart. I feel cross that his way of dealing with it is to say I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. If it’s only a molehill, why doesn’t he unfriend her? I’m sick of her liking all his posts all the time and I’m tired of her popping up in my timeline, too.

He knows I’m not “cool” about stuff like this. I’m not really hearing that he will do anything much about it. Surely I’m worth a man who will be kinder.

Argh. Or is it my problem? I’m in a fragile place right now. My DCs need me this week. Maybe I need some space from him for a bit.

OP posts:

CatAndHisKit · 05/09/2020 17:00

OP, I do understand as I'm prone to anxiety in r-sjips too.
It doesn't help that you keep seeing her 'likes' - why is she on your timeline if she's not a friend? if she is, unfriend her.
Sorry I misunderstood about the age gap. I think he really should go to a couple o counselling sessions with you - explain to him that you both have a valid point of view and aer both stuck in your corners, so it leaves you in limbo. That's exactly what counsellors hekps with - to make each of you see the other point of view properly.

I don't think there's anything to worry about as such, in terms of his feelings towards you, but it is annoying that he's a fan of hers to this degree. Did he say he won't show you the messages? that is a bit off - he may have nothing to hide but it would be a compromise for your sake, and that would help. Again maybe a counsellor will explain it better as when it comes from you it can feel controlling to him.

newnameforthis123 · 05/09/2020 18:18

If it’s only a molehill, why doesn’t he unfriend her?

Because he would rather be 'friends' (sounds more like a cringe fan) with her than for you to feel secure and happy.

Now that may mean you're unreasonable, or that he is, but it doesn't matter.

What matters is that your values and your beliefs on this are totally at odds and one of you would have to fake agreeing with the other to move past it as you're genuinely anxious about it and he genuinely doesn't care enough to change it, at least not without being issued an ultimatum.

Can you really be arsed with this OP? Life is short. We get one of them. Don't waste it.

Original poster

ALifeBackwards · 05/09/2020 19:41

@CatAndHisKit

OP, I do understand as I'm prone to anxiety in r-sjips too. It doesn't help that you keep seeing her 'likes' - why is she on your timeline if she's not a friend? if she is, unfriend her. Sorry I misunderstood about the age gap. I think he really should go to a couple o counselling sessions with you - explain to him that you both have a valid point of view and aer both stuck in your corners, so it leaves you in limbo. That's exactly what counsellors hekps with - to make each of you see the other point of view properly.

Thanks for understanding, CatAndHisKit.

Yeah I friended her to work out if it was a bot or not. OK, and so I could see if he likes her posts or not. I wanted to work out how they were interacting, and suspected he messages her. Yeah I should take her unfriend/unfollow her.

Counselling is a good idea. Will think about that further. Currently every time I tried to resolve this, he says things like "Oh not this again" which shuts me down. Today I told him that things may be molehills to him but may be mountains to others, we are all different.

Yes, annoying he is still friendly with her. He didn't mention showing me the messages, nor did I ask him. I expect he would fly off the handle if I were to ask. Yes, very much, it would feel like my controlling him. Maybe it wouldn't be helpful anyway - I have a tendency to overanalyse, he has a tendency to exaggerate. Urgh!

OP posts:

Original poster

ALifeBackwards · 05/09/2020 19:47

Hey thanks, newnameforthis123

Yes, that's what grates, it feels like he would rather be 'friends' (agree, more like a cringe fan) than consider my feelings.

I have no idea who is being unreasonable any more (lucky this isn't AIBU, eh?!).

Yes, we are at odds and this makes me uncomfortable. I feel so sad that issuing an ultimatum would be the only way "past it" to make me happy without settling for those feelings of anxiety.

Can you really be arsed with this OP? Life is short. We get one of them. Don't waste it.
Thank you. You're right. On the other hand, he and I rub along well, we've invested 2 years in the relationship, we are similar in other ways, etc.

I suppose I'm left questioning whether what we have is good enough for me to continue with my side of the investment. He's certainly not making me feel good right now.

OP posts:

CatAndHisKit · 05/09/2020 21:12

You could try distancing somewhat for a bit rather than bringing up the topic, it'd be much more effective if he cares about you. He may then come to you with suggestions and best case, will try to discuss resolving this or going for a few sessions to a counsellor.
I don't mean don't talk to him but just see him a little less / talk less. It's the usual trick but does work if the other person cares about you.

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