Upset by his internet friendship

[ALifeBackwards]

I feel a bit stupid about this. It feels petty and childish, but equally, it's upsetting me. If it makes any difference, I have ASD and struggle with social media 'relationships'.

During lockdown, my partner and I were apart, and I became more active on Facebook and Instagram. I noticed an attractive woman who likes all my partner's posts. He passed on her plea for help with a
project, and tried to directly help himself. She's a photographer/model/actress in another country.

She liked his EVERY post, so at first I thought it was a bot. I then saw one comment that he made about "OMG" how her skill was amazing, and was there more, she looks like this or that... The comment made me feel uncomfortable. I asked him about it, he said that she is a "friend" and that he messages her to ask about her skill set. Yeah, I bet - why are these never male & handsome photographers to get advice from?! It looks more like he's a devoted fan (she has over 10k followers) and that she just replies to everyone.

He stopped making comments on my request, when I told him it makes me feel crap. We had a bit of a laugh about it in the end, and I even added her as a friend myself, to see if she would like all my posts, too (which she does). There was nothing for a bit. Now he has started liking her pics again and I suspect he is messaging her.

For some reason, this really upsets me. The thought that he is telling her how good she looks, how amazing she is, blah blah, is upsetting to me, especially as he works away some of the time. I feel like he is creating a sense of intimacy with another woman, especially during the times we are apart.

At the same time, I feel really stupid, childish and insecure. She's a public (ish) figure! She's in another country! She's married! (He told me she told him this in the context of why she's in that country... so clearly they talk about stuff other than the skill).

It makes me feel soooo uncomfortable. I want to ask him to end the friendship, but at the same time, I feel stupid about myself for doing this. I asked him how he would feel if it was me writing these comments and messaging a man, and he sort of shrugged.

It's the exact petty nature that pisses me off. It's not even a proper friendship. He said he gets info from her site - well after 2 years, surely he's had enough info. She just repeats a whole load of stuff, anyway. If he sees it's upsetting me so much, why doesn't he just unfriend and unfollow her?

He sounds a bit cringe to be honest, she very likely doesn't perceive their 'connection' the way he does. It would be the cringe that would give me the ick more than anything to do with jealousy about her.

This is going to sound awful, so apologies in advance. Would you say he's a good looking guy that gets a lot of female attention? Or someone to whom that is a real novelty? Because he's acting like a teenage boy. Or a man who doesn't exactly get noticed much by women as a rule.,,

OP I think you deserve SO much better than this. He sounds rather pathetic. He's putting an internet "friendship" before his real life relationship with you. This woman wouldn't be able to pick him out in a line up. He's simply one of many saps that like getting their ego stroked by her

The secret messaging is weird and I wouldn't put up with that, what on earth are they messaging about ? I wouldn't stay with him because you can do better than a sad loser that gets his kicks from a woman in another country which he knows upsets you.

Please link to her social media pages so we can see what the fuss is about

An update.

We had a really long talk about it last night. She wrote to him first 3-4 years ago, which I can believe - his photos are pretty good and she probably latched onto a whole bunch of people for a fan base. He says the messages are all about her photography, and that I have nothing to worry about. He says it’s such a non-issue, he can’t even believe I am worried about it.

He repeated that he does take on board what I say, and takes action towards things - this has been true with other (small) things that have upset me (there haven’t been many big things).

I dunno! I know he’s right on the one hand. I guess as long as the messages are just about her photography. But yes, I did say it was cringey. I also explained it was how it seemed so secretive but he did point out that he had told me parts of it (mainly when I asked him).

Arghhh maybe the posters telling me to get a grip are right. It’s not as “romantic” or flirty as some of you were thinking, by the sounds of it.

And this morning as well. He said he’s taken on board my upset and hears what I say about it, and that he will communicate in a way that he sees appropriate with her l. He said the last time they messaged was 3-4 weeks ago.

Ooofff I dunno! He seems a decent enough guy but is also very strong about not being told what to do, or not being controlled. He had an ex who controlled his internet life badly - to a psychopathological point - so I can understand this.

Sorry - probably sounds like I’m talking to myself. I just want to log this do I can come back to it when I feel crap. There’s nothing to worry about, he’s not engaging in dodgy stuff.

Sounds like you have pretty much got to the bottom of it then. Time to file it away in the "Hmm" drawer in case it's needed at any point, after all :)

I'm really conflicted, Ravenmum. He's in my kitchen now and I'm thinking - do I want him to leave, knowing he will just message her whenever he likes? Oh, and to clarify, he contacted her first, not the other way round. She liked his picture first, 3-4 years ago. He thinks I'm overanalysing.

I'm annoyed that he won't work on doing behaviours which would make me feel more secure. It's a bit shit that he reserves the right to write to her whenever he likes, isn't it? Or is it controlling of me to ask him to not write to her?

I caught him looking soppily at a picture of him and me. He told me I'm glamorous and I do think he loves me. But I really do think it's a case of different boundaries. I don't think he would go off with her, or anything like that. But the not knowing if he is messaging her or not is unpleasant. And he last contacted her 3-4 weeks ago.

Do I want to put up with this?

Thank you so much for coming back to this thread.

I told him that if he reserves his right to message her, then I will reserve my right to feel insecure and to bring it up again. He acknowledged this.

I think it would be controlling to tell him who he can and can't write to, yes. As someone else says, personally I'd also be put off by a man who was just so moon-eyed about some random on the internet. But you can't put a leash on people. And you have to put up with some level of the unknown in your relationship. No-one can ever be 100% sure what their partner is up to. It's important, I think, to know that and accept it, as long as they are not obviously taking the piss.

Thank you. I needed to hear that.
Yes, this is the point he makes. That he is entitled to a certain level of privacy (as am I).

No-one can ever be 100% sure what their partner is up to.
Yes, this is true. And I struggle with this (can you see I have big trust issues?!).

He is a good man with morals in other ways. He isn't a cheating type. He is sensitive and caring. Maybe I have overegged the 'moon eyed' bits of his behaviour. Last night, he was specific about which bits of her work he likes, and it's nothing to do with her looks.

Ok. I will stick with him. I don't want to bring it up yet again with him, as it's not fair on him. He's working and so am I. I don't even need to keep talking about it, do I? It will drive him away. He's been sensitive with my feelings in other ways.

The reason it makes me feel upset. A big leap of wisdom. We've been together for over 2 years, and the topic of marriage has come up sometimes. I just feel that that bit of your vows "forsaking all others"... well, he's not really doing this.

Ok. I will stick with him for now. He is a good man.

You have been a wonderful help. Thank you for your patience while I thrash out my thoughts on here.

There's no such thing as not a cheating type, and accepting that too might actually be helpful to you.

I don't think any of this is due to your ASD OP. xx

I wouldn't call it that he has 'different boundaries' to you. He has boundaries that objectively a lot of/most people would consider inappropriate if someone were in a relationship with them. It's not just you who would feel that way.

well, I wouldn't call what he does boundaries. Just behaviours. The email thing he stopped, but only. as you say, when you asked him.

@ravenmum

There's no such thing as not a cheating type, and accepting that too might actually be helpful to you.

What does this mean, please, Ravenmum? That all sorts of people can cheat? Or that I shouldn't judge this behaviour in context of the rest of his traits?

For example, sit down and think about what would happen if he was really flirting with someone, or actually cheated with them. What would it mean? That you were at fault, or that he was? If both, why? What would happen afterwards? Would you have to go away to become a governess, and die clutching a strand of his hair? Look your fears in the face and wor through them.

All sorts of people do cheat, yes. Read some of the threads on here. People are not saying "Well, I always knew he was a bad'un". They're saying "I suddenly don't recognise the man I married".

He has boundaries that objectively a lot of/most people would consider inappropriate if someone were in a relationship with them.
Which thing are you thinking of in particular?

@SoulofanAggron

I don't think any of this is due to your ASD OP. xx

I wouldn't call it that he has 'different boundaries' to you. He has boundaries that objectively a lot of/most people would consider inappropriate if someone were in a relationship with them. It's not just you who would feel that way.

Thanks, Soulofan Really? Would a lot of people consider this behaviour inappropriate? I can't work out whether to accept it or not. It would seem so stupid a thing to split up over, but it's more about his reaction, rather than the thing itself. He's telling me that his control is more important than my happiness. On the other hand, he is entitled to his privacy. I'm confused.

well, I wouldn't call what he does boundaries. Just behaviours. The email thing he stopped, but only. as you say, when you asked him.

No, the email thing hasn't stopped - he said he messaged her 3-4 weeks ago (he told me he uses FB Messenger, or Instagram, it's not email, if that makes much difference).

The fact I am tying myself up in knots over it is indicative of a problem I have. I know I have trust issues. I also know that he is more laissez-faire about emotions, people, relationships. We may never solve this.

Btw, I'd also put this in the Hmmm drawer:
He had an ex who controlled his internet life badly - to a psychopathological point
... wonder if she would see it the same way?

@ravenmum

For example, sit down and think about what would happen if he was really flirting with someone, or actually cheated with them. What would it mean? That you were at fault, or that he was? If both, why? What would happen afterwards? Would you have to go away to become a governess, and die clutching a strand of his hair? Look your fears in the face and wor through them.

That's such an interesting perspective. I've been too fearful to confront my anxieties in this way. Part of me says - well wtf, I enjoy the rest of the relationship! Why should I let this fear stand in my way of enjoying what could be a lifelong partnership?

Hmm yes, when I see the bigger picture like this, I can accept it. I can't follow him around everywhere like a puppy dog, worried about his phone pinging or whatever. He's told me he will act with appropriateness.

Yes - he's not the only man on this earth. Just that I am scared that I have invested so much in this relationship. I need to step away and find other interests to raise my self esteem in other ways.

All sorts of people do cheat, yes. Read some of the threads on here. People are not saying "Well, I always knew he was a bad'un". They're saying "I suddenly don't recognise the man I married".

Very true. We can't control everything. Who's to say that I might not be the affair-haver, several years down the line? (I very much doubt this). It doesn't seem to bother him as much as it bothers me.

I wonder if I am codependent. It has been an intense few weeks.

@ravenmum

Btw, I'd also put this in the Hmmm drawer: He had an ex who controlled his internet life badly - to a psychopathological point ... wonder if she would see it the same way?

I don't want to give away too much info but she did threaten to put a bug on his phone, and the police were involved, so I do think this is congruent. In her defence, she was also an insecure person, and she also upset about him having ex dates on his Instagram (the dates would have been closer in time to her).

I have to keep the upper hand in the dynamic. When I met him, I was strong and confident. He responds pretty quickly when I back off.

Anxiety is shit - work on your anxieties for you, not for your relationship :)

Do you know what it is you are afraid of, if he likes someone else?

*she WAS also upset about him having ex dates on his Instagram

An app, as women are sometimes (very dodgily) advised to do on MN when they need proof their partner is cheating?

@ravenmum

Anxiety is shit - work on your anxieties for you, not for your relationship :)

Do you know what it is you are afraid of, if he likes someone else?

Funnily enough, I am having CBT for anxiety! I'm hugely afraid of loss.

I need to start viewing this situation differently, I think.

Thank you so much, btw