Upset by his internet friendship

[ALifeBackwards]

I feel a bit stupid about this. It feels petty and childish, but equally, it's upsetting me. If it makes any difference, I have ASD and struggle with social media 'relationships'.

During lockdown, my partner and I were apart, and I became more active on Facebook and Instagram. I noticed an attractive woman who likes all my partner's posts. He passed on her plea for help with a
project, and tried to directly help himself. She's a photographer/model/actress in another country.

She liked his EVERY post, so at first I thought it was a bot. I then saw one comment that he made about "OMG" how her skill was amazing, and was there more, she looks like this or that... The comment made me feel uncomfortable. I asked him about it, he said that she is a "friend" and that he messages her to ask about her skill set. Yeah, I bet - why are these never male & handsome photographers to get advice from?! It looks more like he's a devoted fan (she has over 10k followers) and that she just replies to everyone.

He stopped making comments on my request, when I told him it makes me feel crap. We had a bit of a laugh about it in the end, and I even added her as a friend myself, to see if she would like all my posts, too (which she does). There was nothing for a bit. Now he has started liking her pics again and I suspect he is messaging her.

For some reason, this really upsets me. The thought that he is telling her how good she looks, how amazing she is, blah blah, is upsetting to me, especially as he works away some of the time. I feel like he is creating a sense of intimacy with another woman, especially during the times we are apart.

At the same time, I feel really stupid, childish and insecure. She's a public (ish) figure! She's in another country! She's married! (He told me she told him this in the context of why she's in that country... so clearly they talk about stuff other than the skill).

It makes me feel soooo uncomfortable. I want to ask him to end the friendship, but at the same time, I feel stupid about myself for doing this. I asked him how he would feel if it was me writing these comments and messaging a man, and he sort of shrugged.

It's the exact petty nature that pisses me off. It's not even a proper friendship. He said he gets info from her site - well after 2 years, surely he's had enough info. She just repeats a whole load of stuff, anyway. If he sees it's upsetting me so much, why doesn't he just unfriend and unfollow her?

@NextOnesaGreyGoose

I have thought about it and I have no doubt in my head that I would ask my husband to end the friendship in the scenario you describe. People can talk about being controlling, boundary crossing all day long. I know the friendship would affect how I felt about the relationship and I dont think asking your partner to consider your feelings about it is wrong.

But that is based on me and my knowledge about my relationship. How do you imagine the conversation going in your relationship?

Thanks again, NextOnesaGreyGoose

That's interesting. Yes, you've hit the nail on the head. The "friendship" affects how I feel about his views concerning our relationship.

I'm trying to work out the conversation. I'm sure he will minimise it - like he has already - and say I'm being ridiculous, and that if he can't have his freedom to be friends with whomever then it's unfair, etc. It's just on that boundary of being inappropriate, isn't it?

@ravenmum

Ask him in all seriousness if she employs someone to reply to the messages, as other social media personalities do. www.prospects.ac.uk/job-profiles/social-media-manager

Also what kind of advertising she does in her messages to him, and who she encourages him to share content with. With an attitude of honest curiosity, ask how much she makes through her social media activities and whether he could even join her team as a second job.

Every time he paints it as friendship, act with mild surprise that he does not see it as advertising.

Yes, I suggested that she may have a social media manager. But that's not the point, really. She is probably acting as her own social media manager, this is someone who is clearly manufacturing an image and a profile, and he has fallen for it.

I have no idea what she discusses in her messages to him, or how she cultivates herself. I don't think it's that bad that he would want to join her team! I do think, on some level, that it is his genuine interest. But there are many, many other people with this interest.

He doesn't discuss the "friendship" with me at all. That's why I feel even more like it's crossing a boundary. It seems too intimate and secret. If I hadn't noticed it, he might never have told me.

He’s got one foot out the door. You’ll spend hours agonising over the details because you know deep down he’s not fully committed to you but you don’t want to end the relationship.

@thefourgp

He’s got one foot out the door. You’ll spend hours agonising over the details because you know deep down he’s not fully committed to you but you don’t want to end the relationship.

Thanks, Thefourgp

I do wonder if this is the case. He seems committed in other ways, though.

To be clear, I'd ask those things to encourage him to reconsider whether he is an equal in a lovely friendship, or whether he is actually a mug helping someone make money for free.
I'd frame it as innocent questions rather than actually telling him that myself as that would just make him deny it.

Actually, though, I'd just let him get on with it, go quietly and see how long it took him to realise I'd left him.

Thanks, ravenmum I think you're right about making him consider the nature of the friendship. I just don't think I need to sound too defensive about the advertising side...

You think you would leave him over it? I don't think it is a "sackable offence", but it is causing me upset.

I'd leave my bf over this - we don't live together, no kids, it would not be a massive split.

I'd leave because I spent over a year hearing increasingly stupid excuses from my exh about why he was contacting someone he turned out to have been sleeping with regularly for most of that time. Pretending that you don't understand why the other person is annoyed so you can continue your flirt is low.

That's very helpful, Ravenmum, and I am sorry about your split.
I've just gone back to her profile to try to work it out. On the one hand, I can hardly control him to the extent of never looking at pretty women! On the other hand - the fact he has messaged her suggests something more interactive. Also the fact he doesn't mention if he has/not like he does with other friends suggests he's being secretive.

I keep going round in circles over it.

I think though.... And it's something you do have to consider. This crosses your boundaries to what is acceptable in a relationship. And your boundaries are valid and important. They aren't going to disappear and the only way for you to not feel the way you at present is for your boundaries to move, or be eroded. This isn't acceptable.

I would talk to him about it. Calmly. You should find out where you stand and then you can decide what to do.

What would annoy me most really is him pretending it's OK, coming up with obvious shite like "I message her to ask about her skill set" - that is such a blatant load of crap that it is disrespecting your intelligence to say it, knowing that you cannot possibly be fooled by it but simply can't prove anything else is going on.

If my current bf looks at a pretty woman in the street and I make a comment, he will give a sheepish grin and admit he shouldn't do it in front of me, or something along those lines.

@NextOnesaGreyGoose

I think though.... And it's something you do have to consider. This crosses your boundaries to what is acceptable in a relationship. And your boundaries are valid and important. They aren't going to disappear and the only way for you to not feel the way you at present is for your boundaries to move, or be eroded. This isn't acceptable.

I would talk to him about it. Calmly. You should find out where you stand and then you can decide what to do.

Yes... this is very important. It crosses the boundaries to what is acceptable in my relationship.

What happens if he says that my asking him to cease his friendship crosses the boundaries of his acceptability? I guess then we have to work something out.

Sorry - thinking aloud. Yes, the only way to not feel like this is to have my boundaries eroded. Food for thought. I'll talk to him later.

@ravenmum

What would annoy me most really is him pretending it's OK, coming up with obvious shite like "I message her to ask about her skill set" - that is such a blatant load of crap that it is disrespecting your intelligence to say it, knowing that you cannot possibly be fooled by it but simply can't prove anything else is going on.

If my current bf looks at a pretty woman in the street and I make a comment, he will give a sheepish grin and admit he shouldn't do it in front of me, or something along those lines.

I don't know, Ravenmum, I think he is being honest about messaging her about the skill - she is clearly talented. I'm certain he is doing this. But part of me thinks he may be a little over complimentary, too. And that doesn't make me feel good.

Yeah, I can't prove it unless he shows me the messages. But it seems so petty!

Why does he have to ruin a good thing like this? We have such a nice relationship otherwise. It's like he gets right up close to the boundary of what could be pissing someone off, without quite traversing it.

He's very sweet about not being leery otherwise, which is partly why I'm wondering if I am over-reacting about it. But my stomach feels like it's been punched every time she posts. Hmm.

Is he in the same business? What would he need to talk about her skill set for?

It's photography. He is very good - probably at semi-professional level, although it's not his business.

OP, there’s not really such a think as a “sackable offence” in a relationship as everyone has different boundaries and approaches. The only thing that matters is how you feel and how he makes you feel.

Sounds to me like he makes you feel insecure, unhappy and anxious. Not great for a relationship, is it? The fact he knows that you feel like this and continues with the behaviour anyway screams to me that you deserve so much better than this. Where is the respect and the love?

Thanks, Conker, that's helpful to hear. Yes, his behaviour makes me feel insecure, unhappy, and anxious. I hadn't thought about it like that before. You are right. I'm giving him chances to amend the behaviour in order to show me respect. I need to talk to him some more about this. Thank you for not minimising it. I thought people were going to tell me that I'm being stupid...

Honestly, if my partner asked me to end a platonic friendship for their own insecurity, I wouldn't.

You either trust him or you don't.

I find your behaviour quite controlling and if your post was the other way round (him asking you to do this) I think there would be a lot of replies saying how controlling he was being.

Thank you, YouBringLightInToADarkPlace for this reply. It's divisive, I think.

If I were 100% sure that the friendship were platonic, with no leeriess, I would be ok about it. But I don't know what he is writing in private. He hasn't been forthcoming with any details, other than saying he is asking her about her work and that he knows she's married.

I trust him in so many ways - not to cheat on me, to be a kind person, etc. but I'm not sure I trust him with my emotions in this particular instance.

I've often wondered what I would do if it were the other way round. I think if he was to ask me to do end an internet friendship because it made him feel uncomfortable, I would do it. I would put his feelings above any internet friendship.

To be honest you are completely overreacting, actually the whole thing sounds ridiculous. He is commenting on someones page, a woman in another country with thousands of followers, and you actually feel threatened by this, seriousily op, wake up and try not to care about pubic figures who need as many followers to stay current, you really needbto get with reality and focus your mind on actual issues. 🙄

Thanks, Wigglebox, I wonder if you read my OP properly? It's not the comments on her pages, but the secret messaging that bothers me. He claims that they are in touch because they are friends, not because she is a public figure.

I would not look fondly on secretive messages to an attractive stranger he's presumably not met, or not to your knowledge, and who you know he writes to praising her enthusuastically for her looks, while claiming it's about learning skills.

But having said that, I also wouldn't ask him to stop. I'd ask him wtf he thought he was doing as an adult man, and if I didn't like the response that would be my problem, for me to deal with.

I do think you could be over-reacting about him staying in touch with his exes. I very occasionally text an ex, no flirting by either of us, just commenting on pictures etc. like you might talk to your auntie. My bf is in touch with multiple ex-gfs who come to his birthday party, we meet up as a couple with them and their partners, he will sometimes mention bumping into someone at his local, etc.

That's really helpful, Ravenmum, it's good for me to talk it through on here. Yes, it's the secrecy of it. I suppose I'm at the stage now where I have to deal with his response - having already asked him wtf he is doing. In his defence, his praise in public was about her skills being amazing. Hmm.

He's in touch with ex partners and I don't mind this as much, but these women are those whom he texted over an internet dating site. Some he met on the odd date, some were potentials he had lined up. He still follows them in Instagram, although they don't follow him. Yeah, this part I think maybe I can let go, I mentioned it more to set a context.

How much time has he spent doing this?

I don’t know, Ranty. We only live together every other week and he doesn’t tell me when he’s doing it.

I haven't had this particular set of circumstances happen but I have asked my husband to do things that I thought of as damaging to our relationship that some people would see as controlling. For instance he used to take drugs years ago before we met. He stopped but kept up friendships with the people he did this with and I know one friend in particular continually pressurised him to keep taking drugs. This continued after we were married and our children were born. I eventually asked him to stop seeing this friend. I was in my early twenties at this time and it felt like the right thing to do.

On the one hand asking someone to stop a friendship is incredibly controlling, on the other I was so uncomfortable with this friendship that it was affecting our relationship. It felt like I was being honest and showing my hand. But I may have been wrong to do it and I accept it, for me though, it was a friendship that threatened my family.

I don't know what is right or wrong in these circumstances, that's why sometimes you have to decide what is right for you, in yourself and your relationship. Trying to act in a fair manner. It's not always easy to respect everyone's boundaries. But you are certainly allowed to think and care about your own.