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Original poster

Ok why is this guy still texting me

108 replies

Abby85 · 02/09/2020 07:35

We broke up a long time ago and it ended badly I was so upset. I broke up with him because he was being a selfish dick and he accepted it straight away and didn’t seem upset about it or sorry. Blocked deleted moved on I have since met a new guy who is so much nicer to me.

Months later ex keeps finding reasons to message me from a new number. It’s usually something that seems serious or financial to sort out (only once was it about money). We don’t flirt with each other he’s never asked to meet up and we don’t talk about what happened. It’s usually less than 10 polite messages back and forwards and then he gives up for 2 weeks. I never text him first and don’t have this number saved. I don’t understand what he is getting out of this situation. The money thing made sense but telling me things like I am an old mate of his doesn’t. I think because it seems serious things he’s telling me and he suffered from depression I feel obliged to reply out of politeness now.

I can block and move on and lose no sleep over it but I keep wondering why he’s doing it and if that would just be petty? I don’t hate him or still have any feelings for him except maybe pity which is not very attractive.

If you text someone who dumped you why would you keep doing it is he trying to manipulate me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Abby85 · 02/09/2020 09:41

It wasn’t that he hurt me by not feeling the same way it was that he would lie to me about so many things and manipulate my emotions. He made me feel like I was losing my mind. No one has ever made me feel that way before like I had gone mad. I had to break up with him for my own mental health being with him was like living on a rollercoaster. I felt so relieved when it was over.

The new guy shines a light on what it really means to be a good person who cares for other people and he can’t understand why someone would get enjoyment from hurting you and playing with your feelings. He is like me though easily made to feel guilty about things and we are both people pleasers. He knows I don’t have any feelings for ex apart from pity. I assumed ex would have found a new victim by now anyway

OP posts:
NextOnesaGreyGoose · 02/09/2020 09:45

Have you considered you may be trauma bonded to this man? And I really don't think he is ever going to give you the close you want. I'm sorry.

NextOnesaGreyGoose · 02/09/2020 09:46

*closure

yorkshirecountrylass · 02/09/2020 09:47

Trust me, nothing good will come of this continued contact. You're trying to be sympathetic and he's reading that as you still care. Take the emotion from it and send him one final transactional message along the lines of, "as per my last text message I need your bank details to be able to transfer the money to you. I will await the refund from Tui and send your proportion to you when I receive it. If I have not received your bank details in the next 48 hours I will assume you do not want the money and will donate it to a charity of my choice. I do not want you to contact me further after this, the relationship is over and there is no need for further communication." Then follow it through

Frownette · 02/09/2020 09:48

Actually sometimes I do think people can train people to become reliant on them for support and this is a form of emotional abuse.

InfiniteSheldon · 02/09/2020 09:52

Is this holiday and searching for bank detail bollocks just you finding excuses to prong the contact?

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/09/2020 09:57

Send him one text saying he has a week to send his bank details or you will consider the matter closed. Then block.

Aerial2020 · 02/09/2020 09:59

You are still emotionally invested in him OP.
Withdraw all your emotion from him and concentrate on you.

Original poster
Abby85 · 02/09/2020 10:13

I don’t know much about trauma bonding but I will read about it. Thank you. I really don’t know if that’s what has happened.

The person who said about relying on support and emotional abuse do you mean that I have trained him to rely on me for support? I drew back from him very fast when we broke up I went cold turkey and just cut him out and I’ve never tried to win him back or get his attention because it felt like it was bad for me. I suppose I am sympathising with him when he asks me for attention but I am careful not to try to help him like I used to. I will just say oh no that bad sorry to hear that. I don’t check up on him or see if he’s ok cos I don’t really care if he is or not. I have been curious as to why he keeps contacting me though which is not good for me or my relationship. I should not spend time wondering about it.

The money is not any excuse I thought it was sorted out. He text me at 9pm last night out of the blue saying I would get a refund and could I pay him back, I said yes send me your bank details. He said ok I will let me know when you get the money and how are you? I said I am ok how are you. He said not so good, work etc etc. I said oh sorry to hear that hope it works out. Then he never replied and I deleted it all

OP posts:
HyacynthBucket · 02/09/2020 10:14

Just say once that you do not want further contact and ask him not to text again. Then if he does, block him.

BertiesLanding · 02/09/2020 10:17

You are the one maintaining contact, so you obviously get something out of it.

Aerial2020 · 02/09/2020 10:22

But you are carrying on the conversation with him. You are the one continuing it.
Take control and stop it.
He doesn't need your sympathy. He needs nothing. You asked for his bank details and he ignored you.
Do you wonder where he got your new number?

TorkTorkBam · 02/09/2020 10:29

You are allowed to be rude.

Do not reply to him.

You could have responded to his message this time with "OK" and nothing more. Instead you immediately jumped into managing his problem for him. I think he can work out that you will need his bank details when you have the refund. Stop being mother.

Original poster
Abby85 · 02/09/2020 10:30

I have the same number, he text me from a different number. I blocked him everywhere.

I know I need to take control of it and I am going to now. I just wondered why he was doing it but this could be for lots of reasons mainly I am allowing it

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 02/09/2020 10:32

Lots of new numbers?

Respond "Who dis?"

Notmoresugar · 02/09/2020 10:40

Just stick purely to the finances - then tell him you don't want any more messages and block him. Some people would just block with no warning - either way that's your call.

Currently without realising it, you are letting him have full manipulative control over you and it's up to you to go against your kind nature and fuck him off once and for all and stick to it.

Frownette · 02/09/2020 10:56

@Notmoresugar

Just stick purely to the finances - then tell him you don't want any more messages and block him. Some people would just block with no warning - either way that's your call.

Currently without realising it, you are letting him have full manipulative control over you and it's up to you to go against your kind nature and fuck him off once and for all and stick to it.

It isn't kind to make people dependent on you. It's a neediness within yourself.
Frownette · 02/09/2020 10:58

And a control mechanism, you've tried to make him love you and he didn't.

Only finances from now on.

Frownette · 02/09/2020 11:03

I do get slightly fed up of people on here saying but I was so niiiiice.

It's not actually niceness. It's trying to possess someone else by being a doormat then crying tears because they didn't love you or appreciate your 'kindness', it's a form of manipulation.

Original poster
Abby85 · 02/09/2020 11:07

I didn’t try to make him love me, I asked him to be nicer to me. That’s not the same thing. He claimed he loved me anyway but it didn’t feel like that to me so I walked away from him. I don’t need him to need me, he doesn’t depend on me for anything if he is sending me sob stories every couple of weeks what impact is it having on him for me to say oh dear that’s bad, or I’m sorry to hear you lost your job. That’s what I don’t get. He’s managed months and months without me so he doesn’t depend on me. I’m not trying to fix his life or inserting myself into it of my own accord where it isn’t asked. I don’t want anyone to be sad and lonely in life but I am not responsible for them I would rather he went off and was happy with his life than unhappy all of his life

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 02/09/2020 11:14

He is being a right cock to use you as an emotional dumping ground. You don't have to carry his baggage. He should not be sharing emotional details about his life with you. It is inappropriate for an ex.

Even if you stopped responding the mere fact of him dropping his pain on you created a mental drag on you.

If you can't block him due to his stalky number changing behaviours at least train yourself to immediately delete the message with no response and with minimum thinking about the content. Brain bleach.

Original poster
Abby85 · 02/09/2020 11:16

Even though he didn’t treat me nicely I don’t wish depression and life long unhappiness on anyone I am not that bitter and resentful or hold life long grudges. If he said I’m sorry and I miss your friendship can we move on and be friends I would say I appreciate the honesty but unfortunately I don’t think we have a trusting friendship to do that but I can forgive you if you are truly sorry, and I wish you the best, hope you find happiness.

OP posts:
Frownette · 02/09/2020 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ShitStain · 02/09/2020 14:19

Be honest with yourself. Do you secretly like the attention?

NextOnesaGreyGoose · 02/09/2020 14:22

@Frownette

Wth is that post about? It is deeply unpleasant, you don't even know the OP and nothing she has said justifies that type of response.

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