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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ok why is this guy still texting me

108 replies

Abby85 · 02/09/2020 07:35

We broke up a long time ago and it ended badly I was so upset. I broke up with him because he was being a selfish dick and he accepted it straight away and didn’t seem upset about it or sorry. Blocked deleted moved on I have since met a new guy who is so much nicer to me.

Months later ex keeps finding reasons to message me from a new number. It’s usually something that seems serious or financial to sort out (only once was it about money). We don’t flirt with each other he’s never asked to meet up and we don’t talk about what happened. It’s usually less than 10 polite messages back and forwards and then he gives up for 2 weeks. I never text him first and don’t have this number saved. I don’t understand what he is getting out of this situation. The money thing made sense but telling me things like I am an old mate of his doesn’t. I think because it seems serious things he’s telling me and he suffered from depression I feel obliged to reply out of politeness now.

I can block and move on and lose no sleep over it but I keep wondering why he’s doing it and if that would just be petty? I don’t hate him or still have any feelings for him except maybe pity which is not very attractive.

If you text someone who dumped you why would you keep doing it is he trying to manipulate me?

OP posts:
Frownette · 02/09/2020 08:51

*profess

Frownette · 02/09/2020 08:53

@AtrociousCircumstance

Oh just ignore him fgs. Allowing him to jerk you on a string whenever he feels bored or in need of a little attention makes you seem very passive and easily controlled. Just engage your back bone and don’t look back.
She wants him to though this is the problem.

I feel sorry for her partner.

Original poster
Abby85 · 02/09/2020 08:56

The new guy is ok he trusts me there is nothing underhand going on from my side. He is worse than me with being too nice to people!

I don’t think I like the attention but I have worked out that I was hoping for an apology or some remorse from him at least as that always helps you move on but I am not going to get it. I didn’t do anything wrong to him and don’t think I deserved to be treated like that which is why it’s weird he’s telling me his problems like he’s the hard done by one.

I will sort out the money then block again.

OP posts:
Frownette · 02/09/2020 09:01

Ok good, hope you get back the money then put him out of your head. How much is it?

His contact might be a sense of underlying residual guilt but you're encouraging it by not communicating clearly, and he didn't love you, never will, and will never admit to culpability. They never do.

Aerial2020 · 02/09/2020 09:01

How much is the money?
Is it worth leaving it?

Original poster
Abby85 · 02/09/2020 09:05

Annoyingly I owe him money now. He paid me back for a holiday we had booked in advance that he was still going to go on. Now it’s been cancelled cos of the virus and as I paid my part on my card it will come back to me and I will have to give it back to him and yes he wants it back. I asked for his bank details last night but he didn’t send them so I will have to go though my bank to try to find his so I don’t have to text him again.

OP posts:
LadyFlumpalot · 02/09/2020 09:08

Forget the money. Honestly. I was in a similar situation where my ex owed me £3k. I was 20 when we split up. He kept in contact, promising that if I just agreed to meet up with him he'd be able to get the money together etc.

It took til I was thirty for me to get the balls to both stop replying and to let the money go. By then he was declaring he was still in love with me, that the only reason he'd cheated on me 10 years before was because he'd loved me too much and was scared...

I realised that actually I liked the attention, that I'd never had closure and quite liked that now it was him chasing me. BUT, once I realised all that and blocked him everywhere I felt so much lighter and better about myself.

Please don't be a Flumpalot. Please be sensible.

Frownette · 02/09/2020 09:09

That's a nuisance. Good that the money is coming back but I think you will just have to ask your bank to rummage through the details and get it sent back.

LadyFlumpalot · 02/09/2020 09:10

Oh cross post - you owe him. In that case, can you try his email address in PayPal?

Aerial2020 · 02/09/2020 09:10

Yep forget the money. If he wanted it , he would have put the details on his text.
He is using it to keep you hooked

Aerial2020 · 02/09/2020 09:12

If it really was the money, you would ot have to go through your bank. It would be a lot easier.
Just stop all of it.

seensome · 02/09/2020 09:12

Only pay him when you've been refunded, then ignore any future messages.

FelicityPike · 02/09/2020 09:13

I haven’t read any of the thread except the headline.....I don’t know....get him blocked.

JulesCobb · 02/09/2020 09:13

Dont put yourself out. You asked for his bank details. He didnt send them. Wait for him to send them. If he messages in the meantime, copy and paste the sentence asking for his bank details. Dont get drawn in to anything else.

Original poster
Abby85 · 02/09/2020 09:16

He paid me the money months and months ago into my bank so I will have a trace of it if I go back on my statements. once TUI refund me, I can send this on. I don’t actually know if it’s true yet so I was reluctant to dish out money without the refund first! I don’t know if he has PayPal either. I though I had sorted all this out so it is super annoying I might try to log into the booking and see for myself

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 02/09/2020 09:17

I don't think op still loves him. It's just that old injuries like that, run deep sometimes.

Also, maybe I'm projecting here but...when you see these sorts for what they are - then the monster's out from under the bed and you can't unsee it. And it makes the world a little darker, a little colder, to think that someone you cared for could get so close to you, only to take and to hurt and to consume. There's a loss of innocence.

So you feel like an apology wouldnt just bring closure but would also let you step back from...staring into the void I suppose (and seeing the creepy fucker stare right back at you).

Thing is though, monsters are real :/

Frownette · 02/09/2020 09:18

@Aerial2020

Yep forget the money. If he wanted it , he would have put the details on his text. He is using it to keep you hooked
They have monetary issues to sort out, he's not trying to hook her.

She's not being upfront with him as my bank lets me know who've I've made payments in the past to and I can swish across.

She said herself she was hysterical which is why she left him. You can't make anyone love you. Either they do or they don't.

Original poster
Abby85 · 02/09/2020 09:25

I’ve never made a payment to him, he paid money into my account. I can search it though or go back to the month I know it was. This depends on him still having the same bank account but not really my problem is it as I did ask for his bank details.

I paid the holiday company directly for my half of the holiday, trying to find the log in details so I can look at it but I have deleted all our messages so I don’t have the booking reference number anymore.

I don’t want him to love me. He doesn’t really love anyone not even himself. I have pity for him as I don’t think he will ever be happy. I trusted him so much and he hurt me badly and I never knew why he chose to do it and wasn’t even sorry about it. Yeah so I think is he even sorry for me now or still just thinking about his own sad life?

OP posts:
tornadoalley · 02/09/2020 09:28

Text to say you find his message intrusive and would rather not receive them. Wish him well then block him.

crystaltips98 · 02/09/2020 09:28

Block him. He is trying to sabotage your future. Take care of yourself and your new partner. Dont waste time on his feelings/manipulative techniques

Frownette · 02/09/2020 09:28

Why are you even thinking about this? Just look into it with your bank and if you can't find details and see if you can do it indepently without his input.

How did he hurt you? Just by not feeling the same way?

Aerial2020 · 02/09/2020 09:29

You are way overthinking this.
If it wasnt to keep you hooked he would have sent a breezy message asking about the money.
Instead he is drip drip drip about his sad life to get your sympathy.
And it seems to be working as you are now pondering and posting for advice because you are overthinking it all.

QuestionMarkNow · 02/09/2020 09:35

When you have the money, keep his part separate on an account and wait. If he really wants that money, he will send you his bank details. He clearly knows how to find your phone number and how to contact you.

QuestionMarkNow · 02/09/2020 09:37

Even better, if you know where he lives, send him a cheque.
And block him.

You REALLY dint have to stay in contact with him!! And whatever he is getting out of contacting you inst your issue. Just let him be and concentrate on those who really matter to you. Don’t spend your energy and headspace on him.

UncleHerbie · 02/09/2020 09:40

Change YOUR number as blocking him is meaningless unless you do. Job done

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