My Mother thinks my hurt is an act of aggression against her

[WiserOlder]

My parents identify with being very good people and this is mostly true but they have never allowed me to feel what I feel and this is usually manageable for me/them unless they do thoughtlessly do something that hurts me and I express that, and then, wow, the depth of their blind spot is so deep and so dark that I'm wondering, will i have to go NC with parents who tried their best?

Since April there's been no communication between me and my parents, ie, no response to my very clear text message telling them what it was that they said that was so hurtful. No verbal response but a wounded angry reaction iyswim.

My kids go to their house and over hear things about how ''silly'' their mother is. I can't stop them going though. They're teens.

My brother the golden child was putting pressure on me to fix things which basically means ignore the fact that 1) they hurt me, and 2) buy into the script that my being hurt is an act of aggression I am perpetrating against them..

After whatsapping my brother for three hours yesterday to defend myself (for being HURT! OMG) he finally, finally got it (I think? Partially?) he understood my perspective that they had hurt me and that I felt I had done nothing to them, but he still thinks I ''hurt them too''. Hurt by what!?! I don't know. He also told me that I may have burnt my bridges with them. He retracted that a bit when I said ''what? have they no empathy at all, no insight at all?''.

My parents are the type of people who go to church, walk their dogs, smile at their neighbours, cook lasagnes for sick people, they were supportive to me when I left my abusive x, and they have been extremely generous to me and I'm grateful for it, but they haven't bought the right to control me or hurt me, which I think my brother and my parents sub consciously think. It's so unhealthy. I can't be a part of this bullshit anymore. I never wanted this.

There have been so many occasions where I've been hurt and it always ends in me giving in and saying sorry

They may be old and their health may not be great but I just feel like I cannot do it right now. I am not saying sorry for being hurt.

I will be the bad sheep, the bad scapegoat, I will be squaring up for a whole load of new labels if I can't just ''fix this'' ie, apologise. I will be ''silly'' and I will be ''unhappy''. That is the new label emerging my brother is worried that I am unhappy. I'm not at all unhappy. I'm positive and enthusiastic about my future. I'm not plagued by the self-doubt and poor sense of self that once took the joy out of everything. I know I will be perfectly OK without them. But the new narrative will annoy the fuck out of me.

And, ironically, it's linked to my new self-assured self that that I just cannot accept this bullshit anymore. But they only live around the corner.

I wish I could afford to move.

I love that quote

There is liberation in owning that you are the difficult child, a difficult woman. Really embrace it rather than deal with it.

Be proud of being the difficult person. The one with backbone. The one who can think and act independently. Own it. It genuinely is something to be proud of. A lot of people can't do it.

Calling you paranoid could be simple projection. But hypervigilance is I think a symptom of complex ptsd which can arise in children who have had parents with inadequate parenting skills such as narcissist/codependent parents. Or possibly it is simply gas lighting where they want to be able to lie/twist the truth and if you don’t agree with their version of events you are ‘paranoid’.

Have a read of this website to see if anything resonates:

www.pete-walker.com/

Complex/dysfunctional families are very enmeshed. Everyone is bound to each other emotionally and every subtle or not so subtle emotion vibrates through the enmeshed family system because their are zero boundaries between you - it is somehow keeps you all stuck together like a knotted weave or opposing magnets with tension.

When you drop the rope - the enmeshed family system is under threat and has to reorder to survive and not fall apart - hence your DB desperate to hoover you back in. It’s also painful for you yourself to rip away your merged sensitive skins. So take it easy. Emotionally detach in your own head and heart first - that’s the first phase. Sounds like you are already on this journey. The physical distance can come later. They don’t even need to know it’s going on.

Be bright and breezy with your DB. Tell him that conversations about your DPs are off limits. But be aware that his presence is a drag anchor and a risk to your emotional growth. Be aware that you may be triggered into anger and rage by his presence and words and that you may have v strong impulses to let rip, to write, to shout etc to have your feelings heard, understood and accepted. BUT that will never happen with him or your DP - because it has NEVER happened and 3 hrs on WhatsApp tells you all you need to know. You will not get your healing from these people. Redirect the emotional energy you are frittering away, in frustration trying to get them to hear you to positively invest in your own healing and recovery with people and activities that will help YOU grow.

Sssloou wise words

@TorkTorkBam

There is liberation in owning that you are the difficult child, a difficult woman. Really embrace it rather than deal with it.

Be proud of being the difficult person. The one with backbone. The one who can think and act independently. Own it. It genuinely is something to be proud of. A lot of people can't do it.

You are right. Being 'difficult' is not that shameful. I have been trained to be no trouble. I am no trouble. I was no trouble. I had no boundaries. My controlling x had no trouble managing me for 7 years.

@Sssloou

Have a read of this website to see if anything resonates:

www.pete-walker.com/

Complex/dysfunctional families are very enmeshed. Everyone is bound to each other emotionally and every subtle or not so subtle emotion vibrates through the enmeshed family system because their are zero boundaries between you - it is somehow keeps you all stuck together like a knotted weave or opposing magnets with tension.

When you drop the rope - the enmeshed family system is under threat and has to reorder to survive and not fall apart - hence your DB desperate to hoover you back in. It’s also painful for you yourself to rip away your merged sensitive skins. So take it easy. Emotionally detach in your own head and heart first - that’s the first phase. Sounds like you are already on this journey. The physical distance can come later. They don’t even need to know it’s going on.

Be bright and breezy with your DB. Tell him that conversations about your DPs are off limits. But be aware that his presence is a drag anchor and a risk to your emotional growth. Be aware that you may be triggered into anger and rage by his presence and words and that you may have v strong impulses to let rip, to write, to shout etc to have your feelings heard, understood and accepted. BUT that will never happen with him or your DP - because it has NEVER happened and 3 hrs on WhatsApp tells you all you need to know. You will not get your healing from these people. Redirect the emotional energy you are frittering away, in frustration trying to get them to hear you to positively invest in your own healing and recovery with people and activities that will help YOU grow.

Thank you.

This is howcI must handle it. Looking forward, strong, calm etc with my brother but allowing myself to feel what i feel in private.

No point getting in to it with my brother. He does not understand and cannot understand and importantly, he is not the judge here. I dont want to make him the judge by endlessly appealing to him to make him see.

I have seen pete walkers site but not read his book. Probably true that i am hypervigilant to being labelled and hypervigilant to being rejected, shut down and stonewalled.

My family are enmeshed, yes, loads of examples, my brother's space more respected than mine though. i have tried to push back but always caused a row. Boundaries v poor, my parents help you with things you wanted to do yrslf anyway then get hurt when you point that out.

I give up trying to sort it out and that does help me feel a bit lighter. It is not my job to fix everything.

Thank you all 🍷

Boundaries v poor, my parents help you with things you wanted to do yrslf anyway then get hurt when you point that out.

ah yes, I call it unhelpfully helpful

That’s just being overbearing so that you do things their way - ie controlling......

What the Pete Walker site taught me was to be aware in myself of the emotional flooding when triggered by situations - I had to notice my heart racing, my head thumping, my stomach knotting and then take responsibility for either not putting myself in certain situations in the first place or anticipating the stress feelings rising but finding ways to intercept and calm / self soothe myself.

Yes, I do recognise these feelings. It sounds like my teenage daughter's vocabulary but I definitely get triggered. Is that the same as hyper vigilance? Some thing can happen, a rejection or an exclusion or a shut down, and you feel suddenly physically sick. A bit crazy. De-railed. Uncertain. Foggy.

I am going to have to think about what keeps me calm. WINE. Obviously. But i don't want to over do it.

@EveryDoorlEverTriedwasIocked

The video you posted is good. It feels like a double bind - 'wash me but don't make me wet' - the disconnect between staying in touch superficially but not saying anything real/critical/that can be interpreted-misinterpreted. How have you stopped patterns repeating with your own DC? I fear I sometimes replicate bullshit but am conscious of doing so and apologise for it.

Just missed this question and it's really important. I am less defensive. I am not perfect but i'm definitely less defensive. I do know that I also find it hard to be supportive. I give solutions solutions solutions to my daughter and she just wants me to say oh pooooor you!. But i have made an effort to tweak that.

ps, and yes, I can and have said sorry to my children! When I think I could have handled something better I will admit to that!

I am probably quite a bit older than you are, which does not make my opinion any more valid, but does mean that I have had longer to accumulate regrets.

I have lost both my parents, and this year my OH. These experiences have taught me that sometimes in life it is better to let go a bit, to let some things float by, to not agonise over things, and above all else to simply forgive. It is damned hard to forgive but pays dividends later.

There was nothing about my upbringing that felt good really; but what I do now recognise is that they did their best as the people they had been brought up to be; that they parented to the best of their ability (as we all do - and all fail in some measure) and that I am the only person who suffered by not being able to let the hurt go. Your parents are human and fallible and (by your own admission) not intrinsically bad people; much like you, I am sure, and like all of us.

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and to find that the prisoner was you."

I do not want to sound preachy, especially given that this is probably something that you find hard in your church-going parents! - but no-one is being hurt here but you. You are analysing and labelling and using buzz words like "narrative" in an attempt to make yourself feel better. The only way you will truly feel better is just to let it all go and turn your efforts towards finding positive ways of enjoying your life; of finding things to engage in that you can look back on one day and smile.

I know because I have been there; and I now have the benefit of hindsight on my side. I am sharing it with you now in the hope that you will deal with it better than I did. I wish I had cut my parents a bit more slack.

She is narcissistic.

I really feel for you OP, i have a similar mother and completely understand.

I can recommend a book by Pia Melody on Codependency. It really helped me come to terms with the toxic dynamic in my family and the role I played in it. It was hard to accept that my actions contributed to the cycle but once I did, I was able to change my reactions (changing how I feel is harder and still a work in progress).

My dad is really great and dealing with my mum is the price I have to pay for a relationship with my dad, but at least I understand her destructiveness now.

I had a lot of therapy too which helped me understand how my childhood damaged me and make peace with that but this book is a good starting point.

www.amazon.co.uk/Facing-Codependence-Where-Comes-Sabotages/dp/0062505890?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I think I need to back myself up right now. Whatever fallout comes out of that is not all on me. If I'm so paranoid and if I shout at them then they can carry on without me.

Over the next while i will figure out what assertiveness is privately in my head and what assertiveness/boundaries are in my actions.

I will figure it out but right now, like the woman in that article that @AttilaTheMeerkat linked, i really need to take a stand instead of letting it go.

I get that there are elements to this which are private and i get that you can take a stand in your reactions and decisions and level of participation in the family and not announcing your intention to give up for now.

I need to see how not letting it go pans out.
Letting it go is the only thing i know.
I may have battled endlessly to be heard over the decades but i never was and in the end i was always brought back to heel. The daughter in the family. The hopeless daughter with all of her flaws that makes everybody else feel better about the thing they dont honestly face.

I need to establish a boundary before i can think about letting it go.
Letting it go got me in this situation!

Also, my parents have not contacted me directly since early may. They have communicated their disappointment/anger at my behavior via my brother though. So i dont even know how i would let it go. They arent open to any dialogue. Which is the core of the issue.
As Alan Robarge said, denied emotional connection but summonsed to stay in relationship.

Your refusal to allow your brother to be their mouthpiece is you "not letting it go".

They are communicating heavily right now through him which means you have no means of reply. Refuse to speak to your brother about it. I bet they'll be in contact quite soon, they need to have a go at you and you will have removed the safe mechanism of your brother.

Letting it go is the only thing i know.

I'm not sure you did, you know. Being silenced is not the same as being at peace. Being silenced, slowly resentment builds up.

mischance speaks a lot of wisdom but wiserolder is at the beginning of her journey. You have to go through it all before you can come to terms with what's been happening. There -are- no shortcuts (that I've found anyway, how I wish there were). Even when you do come to terms with things, it doesn't mean you should stay in the same situation. Forgiving someone, when one is ready, doesn't mean going back into the same situation in the same way to be treated just the same. I've finally figured out that forgiving means not holding a grudge, acknowledging the hurt but not revelling in anger and revenge, and coming to terms and peace with whatever / whoever it was. But it doesn't mean letting that person do it all over again.

I get you OP. I was always 'sensitive' growing up. IE my upset was a fault in me, not a fault in them. Every time they hurt me as an adult was me again being 'sensitive', with no acknowledgement of what had upset me. Each time it happened I pulled further and further away. I finally went no contact 4 years ago and am now happier than ever.

I wish I'd never cut my parents any slack at all, if I had been able to see through that pair of bastards from the get-go Id have left home at 18 and never spoken to them again
I look forward to their respective demises

@Heffalooomia

I wish I'd never cut my parents any slack at all, if I had been able to see through that pair of bastards from the get-go Id have left home at 18 and never spoken to them again I look forward to their respective demises

I hear you. I wish id knocked this delusion on the head decades ago.

@FatCatThinCat

I get you OP. I was always 'sensitive' growing up. IE my upset was a fault in me, not a fault in them. Every time they hurt me as an adult was me again being 'sensitive', with no acknowledgement of what had upset me. Each time it happened I pulled further and further away. I finally went no contact 4 years ago and am now happier than ever.

This, absolutely.

@TorkTorkBam

Your refusal to allow your brother to be their mouthpiece is you "not letting it go".

They are communicating heavily right now through him which means you have no means of reply. Refuse to speak to your brother about it. I bet they'll be in contact quite soon, they need to have a go at you and you will have removed the safe mechanism of your brother.

That is a good point.i have told my brother i dont want to discus m&d but up until that point all of the indirect messages were one way!! They shut me down as usual but still communicate through my brother.

I am definitely not playing that game. I will not discuss them with my brother.