My Mother thinks my hurt is an act of aggression against her

[WiserOlder]

My parents identify with being very good people and this is mostly true but they have never allowed me to feel what I feel and this is usually manageable for me/them unless they do thoughtlessly do something that hurts me and I express that, and then, wow, the depth of their blind spot is so deep and so dark that I'm wondering, will i have to go NC with parents who tried their best?

Since April there's been no communication between me and my parents, ie, no response to my very clear text message telling them what it was that they said that was so hurtful. No verbal response but a wounded angry reaction iyswim.

My kids go to their house and over hear things about how ''silly'' their mother is. I can't stop them going though. They're teens.

My brother the golden child was putting pressure on me to fix things which basically means ignore the fact that 1) they hurt me, and 2) buy into the script that my being hurt is an act of aggression I am perpetrating against them..

After whatsapping my brother for three hours yesterday to defend myself (for being HURT! OMG) he finally, finally got it (I think? Partially?) he understood my perspective that they had hurt me and that I felt I had done nothing to them, but he still thinks I ''hurt them too''. Hurt by what!?! I don't know. He also told me that I may have burnt my bridges with them. He retracted that a bit when I said ''what? have they no empathy at all, no insight at all?''.

My parents are the type of people who go to church, walk their dogs, smile at their neighbours, cook lasagnes for sick people, they were supportive to me when I left my abusive x, and they have been extremely generous to me and I'm grateful for it, but they haven't bought the right to control me or hurt me, which I think my brother and my parents sub consciously think. It's so unhealthy. I can't be a part of this bullshit anymore. I never wanted this.

There have been so many occasions where I've been hurt and it always ends in me giving in and saying sorry

They may be old and their health may not be great but I just feel like I cannot do it right now. I am not saying sorry for being hurt.

I will be the bad sheep, the bad scapegoat, I will be squaring up for a whole load of new labels if I can't just ''fix this'' ie, apologise. I will be ''silly'' and I will be ''unhappy''. That is the new label emerging my brother is worried that I am unhappy. I'm not at all unhappy. I'm positive and enthusiastic about my future. I'm not plagued by the self-doubt and poor sense of self that once took the joy out of everything. I know I will be perfectly OK without them. But the new narrative will annoy the fuck out of me.

And, ironically, it's linked to my new self-assured self that that I just cannot accept this bullshit anymore. But they only live around the corner.

I wish I could afford to move.

It's so weird. Why cultivate a shit fake relationship with your children.

Because they have to (or feel they have to). Usually there's some very difficult feelings or possibly events under the surface that they can't possibly face, or their worlds will quietly crumble.

Because they daren't face it, everyone else has to go along with their version of events. If they don't, they are a threat. Your emotions are a threat to their equilibrium.

Good communication is the first thing to go when you have to keep a pile of stuff swept under the carpet.

At a maybe-wrong guess, there's a distinct view in your family that males are the bosses and females have to be rather subordinate, or rule indirectly. In those sorts of families, you're supposed to put up and shut up and not to express unhappiness directly to the male.

It also doesn't seem a coincidence that your father was ill with paranoid tendencies but -you- are the one who was called paranoid.

@randomer

You don't need those things at all *@Heffalooomia*, what you need is (a) money (b) the skin of a rhino to put to yourself first.

I do take your point, but still as an elderly person with failing health you surely need a person or persons who are willing to indulge you and advocate for you?

My mother is a woman who has internalised the patriarchy but she is the boss in their marriage. She is a house wife and she is a little bit contemptuous (she tells herself) of women her age who needed to work because being a housewife wasn't enough for them. Although she seems to understand it's different now. Pity she didn't give a little more to parenting then. She values my brother's opinion more than mine of course. I have have said before as a 'joke' that my brother could literally be talking about fiber optic cables for three hours and they would sit there nodding. If I am talking about something that is important to me, they get up and wander about, offer each other tea. My father is a weak man. But there's strength in their unity which must appeal to him. So, there they are, a unit, against me, a single parent, nobody in my corner. A unit with a blind spot like other side of the moon, but yeh, a ''unit''.

My father is a weak man. But there's strength in their unity which must appeal to him.

Some people aren't able to be independent and want a strong woman to hide behind. Even better if she'll pay lip service to him being in charge. I've a parent like that myself, married to his second wife. He's a lapdog now and it'd be pitiable, if he'd not hurt a lot of people along the way.

Thank you for your understanding. I think a half way house would be better. Is that detailed in the book you recommend.
Sorry I missed your Q until now OP.
It's not in the book, more something I invented for myself. I couldn't go NC due to my sense of responsibility toward my parent, and the lack of other remaining family on the scene, and the general lack of grandparents for my DC.
So I decided to maintain what I called (in my own mind) 'visitation rights'. I stopped trying to appease my parent in making arrangements, and just said no to stuff I didn't want to do and made all arrangements on my own terms. Usually on my own turf too. And always with an end point eg we have to finish up at 4pm due to homework/other (specific) plans/ whatever. Or start later in the day and then DC bedtime provides the cut off.
I have found I can see parent about once a month like this and not be too affected by anything said or done in those few hours. Not all plain sailing and sometimes things are said / done which get under my skin. But the kids are protected and I feel I have remained true to myself and met my own needs in this situation. Parent has struggled with the adjustment but I simply won't get into a discussion about it. 'Emotional arms length' is my watchword.

There's no one size fits all do you need to find an approach which can work in your situation. I think the first step is to understand your own needs and boundaries, then work strictly within those.
Happy to discuss further in private message if you'd like

I'm not ready for a half way house right now!

My brother was talking to them and whether he agrees with them or not, I don't really know, he says that they are ''prepared'' to reconcile if I agree to stop shouting at them. I have shouted at them in the past but omg they interrupted me first and there were two of them and one of me and both of them equally determined to shut me down. But they see no connection between their behavior and my shouting.

So I told my brother no. I'm not interested in a fake reconciliation where they deflect and make out they're forgiving me for my shouting.

6 months ago I couldn't have imagined being no contact with my parents. Now i cannot imagine having time to indulge this bullshit in my life every again.

I can't remember when the last time I shouted at them was.

This last catalyst for bad feeling was when I sent a whatsapp to my mother and she didn't respond to it. So the ''shouting'' is total deflection.

Come find your tribe on the stately homes thread on relationships board

Atilla came got me! Thank you

A lot of this thread rings bells with me OP. I often felt that my feelings weren’t validated as a child & even now I have a tendency to go on & on in an argument until I feel I’ve been heard. DH will sometimes make me feel like my parents did & he will accuse me of being over sensitive etc. Well I am sensitive but that’s part of me & no bad thing. I remember once trying to explain to my Mum that her attitude to weight etc really wasn’t helping DD11 & was bringing back bad memories of how she used to be with me around food & she got almost hysterical. Completely shut down, putting her hands over her ears & there was absolutely no getting through to her. Denying stuff I know happened. It was actually quite scary to see her like that when all I wanted was an adult conversation. I have a lot of resentment & would benefit from therapy too I think.

I know, how do they not see it. My dad did that too the last time i tried to talk to him. He put his hands over his ears.

Then later they come back with accusations that i shout. Well doh.

Except eventually you give up trying to be heard. But they dont like that either.

All these narratives my family have about me, they have all served their senses of self at the expense of my sense of myself.

And you are right, not being heard now in 2020 triggers the wound of not being heard 19xx to today's date!! Literally, they behave the way they always did. More of the same.

I will never be allowed to go to my parents and give them my perspective.

My perspective doesnt exist.

He put his hands over his ears
Try doing back to him and see what he does.....
Everything they do.... that gives you grounds to do it back to them, if you want to

I know I will be perfectly OK without them. But the new narrative will annoy the fuck out of me. I am not an angry person. I'm not an unhappy person. But they make me angry and they make me unhappy.

These words about YOU are important. You have come along way. You are understanding the dynamics. Next step is to accept that they won’t change - will never apologise or acknowledge.

So the ball is in your court to stop looking at them. Write them off as deficient. Stop being surprised by what they do or say. Don’t engage directly, or indirectly.

Keep working on YOUR life. Emotionally turn your back. Detach. Distance. indifference is where you are aiming.

You need to fill your time, life, headspace with happy, validating, activities and friendships full of warmth and sunlight. Leave them in your rear view mirror. Don’t be consumed and preoccupied with them and their futile dramas - just be busy with healthy healing stuff. You are outta there !!!

Don’t get bitter - get better.

It is important to FEEL your anger and your hurt. To process it in private with your therapist / on here etc.

But don’t behave angry or hurt to them because as you know it feeds their narrative - and somehow, always YOU end up more hurt and angry.

Drop the rope. Turn your back and look away. Engage with brighter stuff in life. Your DCs now need to see a lighter, brighter person - a survivor, not a victim. Better not bitter. That will give them a fabulous blue print of how to sense and swerve difficult people and dysfunctional situations....and that life is joyous and safe on the other side.

@Sssloou⬆️
Every word she said ✔️

Do you think your mother has traits of a covert narcissist and/or your father has codependent traits?

I do, but she nice if you dont challenge her version of events.
She is very generous though which doesnt fit with a narc.
I think it is more like low self esteem /extreme defensiveness.

@Sssloou

It is important to FEEL your anger and your hurt. To process it in private with your therapist / on here etc.

But don’t behave angry or hurt to them because as you know it feeds their narrative - and somehow, always YOU end up more hurt and angry.

Drop the rope. Turn your back and look away. Engage with brighter stuff in life. Your DCs now need to see a lighter, brighter person - a survivor, not a victim. Better not bitter. That will give them a fabulous blue print of how to sense and swerve difficult people and dysfunctional situations....and that life is joyous and safe on the other side.

This is true. I need to drop the rope.

It’s important to also have self compassion. To be gentle that you have had inadequate parenting and emotional support. That being denied your experience, feelings and emotions - leaves you exasperated and exhausted. Time to restore.

My dad did that too the last time i tried to talk to him. He put his hands over his ears

wiserolder, look up a book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Lindsay Gibson. It's really excellent and grounded in very good theory. Your dad putting his hands over his ears is the actions of a frightened or defiant toddler.

Thanks so much for getting it. I told my brother that yesi shouted but it was a symptom of not being heard. He told me "no it's not, that's your blind spot".

I feel furious and invisible.

I do need to back away from this toxic bullshit and recharge. It is draining. I mever wanted it.
I just wanted her to say "i shouldnt have called your paranoid". But now my whole family is talking about me and mobbing me.

I am not happy but i feel a lot less anxious about it than i would have done a few years ago.

If you do back away, just be ready for them to get upset about it. You have a role in the family, to be a certain way. If you step out of that role and start being yourself more, it challenges the way they've done things and also, it sounds like they're dumping a certain amount of their shit on you. From their pov, if you step away/change .... where can they dump their shit now?

If you can, keep calm, imagine you're a self-contained island and that you have invisible walls around you that keep you safe. You can consciously handle them from within your walls, and not let them penetrate. It means actually consciously wmotionally stepping back from them, but from what you've said that something has changed and you're just not willing to put up with it any more, which is a good part of stepping away already.

Yes, the ''cost'' of stepping away is that they are now all three of them Parents and golden child brother, will be gravely talking about how unhappy I am, how I shout at my [arents, how I am difficult, impossible, ridiculous...

I wish I could avoid my brother as well but right now, he is teaching my DC1 maths, so it's a bit difficult. I do appreciate that (and so does she) always grateful :-| It's not really my brother's fault and he was the golden child so he just doesn't get it. Therefore, he thinks that they're right. So, all three of them think badly of me. All three of them have this perception of me as a mad difficult woman who shouts.

I must check back in with my better self. Be better not bitter. Stay healthy. Focus on work, kids, house, life, friends. Block out family.

Not get upset in front of my brother or my kids (in case they report back). I must not cry.

Maybe give yourself half an hour a day to cry, to be angry and sad and the other difficult emotions.

If it gets too much with your brother, can you say pleasantly "this is not up for discussion" and if it's possible financially find someone else to do the tutoring? You sound so trapped by them. It would be a shock to them but you are entitled not to feel hunted and badgered in your own home.

"Gratitude is a coat that has to be worn lightly or it grips all too tightly". ... no one can demand gratitude of you. Also, you can be grateful for what they have done, but it does not mean they own you. You are entitled to your own reasonable wishes, as long as they don't come at someone else's expense.

I do feel trapped by them.
So glad i am seeing the therapist monday. Once a fortnight. And luckily i see her monday after work. She had told me that it would be more beneficial to me to write a letter to them that i would never send, than to send the very carefully constructed letter i planned to actually send. So i think i will go for it. Everything i ommitted to say or tiptoed around, it is all going down in the letter i wont send.

Have been so anchored by seeing her once a fortnight.

Really recommend it to anybody dealing with impossible parents who think you are the impossible daughter.