My Mother thinks my hurt is an act of aggression against her

[WiserOlder]

My parents identify with being very good people and this is mostly true but they have never allowed me to feel what I feel and this is usually manageable for me/them unless they do thoughtlessly do something that hurts me and I express that, and then, wow, the depth of their blind spot is so deep and so dark that I'm wondering, will i have to go NC with parents who tried their best?

Since April there's been no communication between me and my parents, ie, no response to my very clear text message telling them what it was that they said that was so hurtful. No verbal response but a wounded angry reaction iyswim.

My kids go to their house and over hear things about how ''silly'' their mother is. I can't stop them going though. They're teens.

My brother the golden child was putting pressure on me to fix things which basically means ignore the fact that 1) they hurt me, and 2) buy into the script that my being hurt is an act of aggression I am perpetrating against them..

After whatsapping my brother for three hours yesterday to defend myself (for being HURT! OMG) he finally, finally got it (I think? Partially?) he understood my perspective that they had hurt me and that I felt I had done nothing to them, but he still thinks I ''hurt them too''. Hurt by what!?! I don't know. He also told me that I may have burnt my bridges with them. He retracted that a bit when I said ''what? have they no empathy at all, no insight at all?''.

My parents are the type of people who go to church, walk their dogs, smile at their neighbours, cook lasagnes for sick people, they were supportive to me when I left my abusive x, and they have been extremely generous to me and I'm grateful for it, but they haven't bought the right to control me or hurt me, which I think my brother and my parents sub consciously think. It's so unhealthy. I can't be a part of this bullshit anymore. I never wanted this.

There have been so many occasions where I've been hurt and it always ends in me giving in and saying sorry

They may be old and their health may not be great but I just feel like I cannot do it right now. I am not saying sorry for being hurt.

I will be the bad sheep, the bad scapegoat, I will be squaring up for a whole load of new labels if I can't just ''fix this'' ie, apologise. I will be ''silly'' and I will be ''unhappy''. That is the new label emerging my brother is worried that I am unhappy. I'm not at all unhappy. I'm positive and enthusiastic about my future. I'm not plagued by the self-doubt and poor sense of self that once took the joy out of everything. I know I will be perfectly OK without them. But the new narrative will annoy the fuck out of me.

And, ironically, it's linked to my new self-assured self that that I just cannot accept this bullshit anymore. But they only live around the corner.

I wish I could afford to move.

Thanks @Whiskeylover45, I am strong and you sound very strong too. (Your choice of career and looking towards your future with a plan).

Even when you're aware of what's going on, it's still not easy to feel nothing. What I need to smooth things over with my parents is to feel absolutely nothing when I talk to them. And it is hard to feel nothing when you're still aware of the original wound, that they do not SEE you or hear you.

Basically, we're brave enough to reach out and try and undo the old patterns and try and connect and heal and the parents just cannot meet us so it's experienced as a new rejection and it links back to the cumulative years of not having had an emotionally reciprocated relationship where you were seen and heard.

It's a demoralising setup to have to try and explain to a parent your worth to be SEEN and heard.

[quote AttilaTheMeerkat]You may also find Darlene Ouimet's writings helpful:-

emergingfrombroken.com/the-day-i-got-tired-of-being-the-last-person-that-mattered/[/quote]
Thanks I will read that now.

The spotlight is on me from my golden child brother to fix this now

Now ask yourself why he needs you so do this?

Either he’s getting it in the neck, so he’s missing his status, or they’ll turn on him.

Not me but a friend is in this position and she in turn struggles with boundaries for her teens. Thinks it’s OK to walk in when they shower, because ‘she’s seen it all when they were babies’

Think about what your brother is saying and ask yourself why he’s saying it.

Wow. Good article. A lot of it resonates.

This bit could be from anybody's story! The FEELINGS are the same.

'''A big part of me was screaming at myself ~ “Here we go again! I am in trouble for telling MY story. I am getting hell for talking about my own life, for expressing my feelings and exposing MY wounds. I am getting told off for being me, for being alive and for something that happened to me that someone else decided I shouldn’t talk about. And I was aware that even though I knew what I had told my sister in law was 100% the truth, I didn’t’ know how much of it has been twisted or embellished against me, and it occurred to me that my mother was willing to take my brothers word for everything that I has ‘supposedly said’ without asking me if I had said it. The bottom line is that as usual, my mother didn’t realize that this wasn’t about her.''

My brother has been discussing me with my parents but also told me initially that he didn't want to get involved. So he was no help trying to get them to SEE that my hurt wasn't something I did to them but he was sitting around discussing the problem of my behaviour

@BluebellsGreenbells

The spotlight is on me from my golden child brother to fix this now

Now ask yourself why he needs you so do this?

Either he’s getting it in the neck, so he’s missing his status, or they’ll turn on him.

Not me but a friend is in this position and she in turn struggles with boundaries for her teens. Thinks it’s OK to walk in when they shower, because ‘she’s seen it all when they were babies’

Think about what your brother is saying and ask yourself why he’s saying it.

I think I just fulfilled a role in the family, I was lighthearted, good humoured, emotionally articulate, I was generous, I was funny, I started conversations and I asked them about what was going on in their lives and jobs. On one level they miss what I brought to the table but they don't seem to value ME enough to care about what I feel.

I am in trouble for telling MY story. I am getting hell for talking about my own life, for expressing my feelings and exposing MY wounds. I am getting told off for being me, for being alive and for something that happened to me that someone else decided I shouldn’t talk about
This really resonates with me!!

Hi OP,
I too recognise this type of family dynamic. I struggled with this a lot despite being a step removed as it is my Mum who is the scapegoat in her family of origin. It’s all really familiar including the conflict of feeling ungrateful. I remember telling my grandmother that my mum was upset about something and my grandmother said “no she not! No she isn’t!” - she would literally deny anything that didn’t fit in with her preferred world view. My mum was always expected to apologise for upsetting her family when she expressed being hurt.
In our family it continued down the generations. When I stepped out of line (by finally asking for a reasonable boundary) it was suggested I was mentally ill. I was expected to roll over and head back into the fold, but they misjudged the situation, as I wasn’t as hooked in as my Mum for obvious reasons.
It’s very hard for people to understand if they haven’t experienced it. It makes you hyper-vigilant. It makes you remember every conversation so you can double check everything. These kind of habits look excessive/obsessive to people who haven’t lived it.
What clarified it for me was realising the destructive relationships my extended family had with everyone they came into contact with. But I didn’t interact like this with anyone outside my family and no one else perceived me this way.

The one step removed from the dysfunction is significant. I'm glad you could see it. Obviously it's still an uncomfortable tightrope for you though.

I make those comparisons as well, I don't think, well people outside of my family dont see me as emotional, sensitive, ''silly'', self, immature or any of the other labels thrown at me.

So what will you do OP?
I am NC with some family, LC with others.
It is very hard to sustain and very hard to cope with at times. Christmas is hard. I manage. Just.
I know myself though and know that one in particular I am estranged from - it will break me if they die first. I have no idea how to come to terms with that - I tried to reach out but was rejected so have left it as tbh they owe me an apology.
Family is like Rashomon though. They will have a completely different view of events. I haven't forgotten. Have stories that would make your eyes curl. This of course is branded ancient history that I should not wallow in.
I hope you find inner peace OP and share how you got there.

I completely sympathise OP. I’m in a very similar position with my parents. I don’t want to give examples of things they did, but suffice to say my father is an alcoholic & my mother is a homophobic, racist, disabilist, victim-blaming puritanical religious nut job. I am pretty low contact with them. Her favourite phrase is “you need to learn to get over it”. When I finally admitted to my mother a couple of years ago that my father occasionally beat me when he was drunk, she just carried on talking.

Sometimes families are bloody awful. People who bleat on about “I’d give anything to see my mother again, you should make the most of the time you have” really have no idea.

This is so true. I cannot imagine missing my family to be honest. People missing their mothers was the first thing that tipped me off to the fact that something was MISSING from my relationship with my mother.

I am not happy typing this but I will feel free when they go. Even though my brother is guilt tripping me for daring to have my own experience on the grounds that they are in their seventies and not in the best health they've ever been in,

I bet they live forever. I bet I'm still dealing with this when I'm in my 70s

The video you posted is good. It feels like a double bind - 'wash me but don't make me wet' - the disconnect between staying in touch superficially but not saying anything real/critical/that can be interpreted-misinterpreted. How have you stopped patterns repeating with your own DC? I fear I sometimes replicate bullshit but am conscious of doing so and apologise for it.

What made you post if you don't miss your parents - was it FOG from your brother? Do you have much contact with him separate of your parents?

I bet they live forever
to live to an advanced age you need a support network, a team of people who want to keep you alive for as long as possible because they feel genuine love
your parents dont sound like they have inspired these sentiments in those around them, I suspect the only route left to them is to bully and gaslight people into venerating them
that's way too long a shot!

You don't need those things at all @Heffalooomia, what you need is (a) money (b) the skin of a rhino to put to yourself first.

Have just reread your OP. Your brother is the flying monkey in this scenario. You have had 4 months of non-contact and are not unhappy.
Your brother has 2 motives:

1. trying to reconnect you for his own reasons (you are the scapegoat, he is an enabler or a rescuer, you are out of your role, he just wants a happy family, he is mediating for your parents) or
2. genuinely trying to reconnect you to spare you heartache later at their funeral. At least now he can say he did his best to try to reunite you while they were alive. He might think he knows you better than you know yourself or projecting, who knows? If there is no insight there and all you will actually feel is relief/freedom at their demise then just say you appreciate what he is saying but you need to move forward thanks.

You say you will hate the new narrative - does it matter what that is really if those who know you, your kids, know what really transpired?

Flying monkeys must have their wings clipped!

No more 3hr whatsapps with your brother. You don't jump to his tune any more.

I would have a single phrase I would use on repeat. "They can stop blanking me any time they like, that's entirely up to them. I am not discussing this with you. We are changing the subject."

Total 100% ban on discussing their feelings with your brother. Absolutely no second hand info about what they said to him about you etc. Nope. "If they have things to say then they can stop blanking me any time they like, that's entirely up to them. I am not discussing this with you. We are changing the subject."

OP you are totally entitled to all your feelings of grievance and hurt but don't waste any more energy looking for acknowledgement or apologies where none will be forthcoming. Allow your parents to be the mixed bag that they are and seek validation/friendship/your tribe elsewhere. Keep your relationship with your parents cordial - and acknowledge that they have done/been good as well as the inevitable f&^%ck ups that come with parenting. Good luck.

I would not attempt to get them to acknowledge they were bad parents or that they damaged you. That will not happen.

If they break and invite you round for dinner, go, enjoy, avoid the sensitive topics. Then be busy, so busy. End up being low contact but on the quiet. You could invite them round but acting as if nothing had happened, no apologies.

Never use whatsapp for big sensitive topics explained at length. Never.

Yes, I think that is right. I won't infuriate them by announcing i'm now low contact. From now on though, I am. I have detached so much. My mother wanted to bring me back to heel by not responding to my whatsapp message and then turning it all around and making it all about how hurt she was, but I have just detached so much. In the past, in the many decades that preceded this one, I would have felt so much distress, trying to make them seeeeeee, trying to be heard, trying to make my point. I have just detached from caring. So they won that round I guess.

It's so weird. Why cultivate a shit fake relationship with your children.

@TorkTorkBam

Flying monkeys must have their wings clipped!

No more 3hr whatsapps with your brother. You don't jump to his tune any more.

I would have a single phrase I would use on repeat. "They can stop blanking me any time they like, that's entirely up to them. I am not discussing this with you. We are changing the subject."

Total 100% ban on discussing their feelings with your brother. Absolutely no second hand info about what they said to him about you etc. Nope. "If they have things to say then they can stop blanking me any time they like, that's entirely up to them. I am not discussing this with you. We are changing the subject."

I think this is right as well. I really went to such lengths to make him understand. It shouldn't have been so hard for him to understand.

Remember as well that your brother's understanding is non-essential. He can be in the dark. That's fine. The row is between you and your mum. It is fine for you to tell him to keep his beak out.

He is not your superior.

You don't have to explain yourself to him.

His approval is not required.

So true. I do not need his approval. And as my parents age, I do not want to replace them with him in that dynamic where I always sought their approval. Thank you for that observation. Very astute. I will be careful that I don't slip in to that habit of seeking his approval. It's not super likely as the relationship one has with a sibling is less complicated than the mother daughter relationship, but still, I will be careful of this.

I completely understand where you are coming from. After too many years of my mums toxic behaviour, I have finally decided to detach and go LC. My DF was emotionally and physically abusive and my DM allowed it. He left when I was 17, and in my mind "atleast I still had my mum"
I've now realised she is toxic and I keep forgiving her and going back only to be hurt again "because she's my mum".
Not really sure how to do the LC thing. I no longer call her, I no longer visit. If she calls me, I don't answer the phone, I call her back several hours later. Although I'd much rather she didn't call.
LC has been the best thing for me to do, it may not be right for you, but it's a step to freeing yourself from having to deal with toxic behaviour