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Original poster

How to be cool about an ex FWB?

80 replies

MakeMeCool · 30/08/2020 20:04

DP has an ex/ex FWB. She is younger and prettier etc and whilst I have met her and spent some time with her I just can't warm to her. She has been pretty unfriendly towards me and I can't be dealing with it. However, DP has a "soft spot" for her and thinks I'm being an arsehole for disliking her. So how can I get over it. Is this a fake it until you make it situation?

OP posts:
Muser314 · 30/08/2020 20:08

That sounds like an awful situation. And he has ''a soft spot'' for her?

I'd be self conscious that she's thinking ''ah bless, I never wanted him but he's found somebody who'll have him''.

Just embarrassing. It'd put me off.

LilyWater · 30/08/2020 20:10

Rather than you "be cool" about it, just acknowledge the completely normal feeling of feeling weird that your current boyfriend still has a soft spot for someone he used to sleep with and she's part of your lives. There's nothing wrong at all with feeling uncomfortable about this and most women would be too. Don't be gaslit into disregarding your feelings.

When the roles are reversed why is it that men are never obliged to "be cool" about these sorts of situations?

Original poster
MakeMeCool · 30/08/2020 20:11

Oh crap don't say that. I just don't want to feel like shit about it anymore. He said he'd always have a soft spot for her. His words. He wants to invite her over with other friends. I can't think of anything worse.

OP posts:
lilmishap · 30/08/2020 20:11

So they like each other and he wants you to be pretend you don't know they'll end up at it?

Bit cheeky

lilmishap · 30/08/2020 20:12

Why would you want a woman who isn't very nice to you on a night out?

willowweep · 30/08/2020 20:13

He said he'd always have a soft spot for her.

^^ you wrote it yourself.

Do you think he would be so cool about it if the shoe was on the other foot?

LilyWater · 30/08/2020 20:14

To be honest, if he's already saying he has a "soft spot" for her, and is already siding with her above you despite her behaviour, I'd be wary of the FWB situation starting up again with her behind your back if you ever have relationship issues (or even without any issues...). Think very carefully if you want to be involved with a man like this when he probably still has feelings for her at some level.

Original poster
MakeMeCool · 30/08/2020 20:15

@lilmishap I don't. He wants her to come over to our house with his other friends. I'd rather she didn't come over.

OP posts:
HolyForkinShirt · 30/08/2020 20:16

It's very weird to have a soft spot for a FwB in my opinion.

I am nc with the few FWB I have had in the past. On the rare occasions I bump into them it's usually awkward for us both.

Original poster
MakeMeCool · 30/08/2020 20:17

They are just friends now and apparently I'd really like her if she wasn't being a cow if I just got to know her.

OP posts:
Original poster
MakeMeCool · 30/08/2020 20:18

Maybe FWB isn't the right phrase? They are friends who shagged and went back to friends afterwards.

OP posts:
AbyssusAbyssumInvocat · 30/08/2020 20:24

I think it would be a little awkward at the fact of an ex fwb but not the end of the world. The fact that she is cold with you is symbolic of a bigger problem. That means she must hold a torch for him and he obviously has this soft spot for her. I would have an honest conversation with him. If he still refuses, leave.

I regularly see a girl that DP used to sleep with as she is best friends with the wife of his best friend. It's never been a problem because it was a long, long time ago, no one holds a torch and she's nice!

Badtasteflump · 30/08/2020 20:29

So what does he say about the fact that this 'friend' is being a cow to his significant other (ie you)? He should have your back and not allow any of his friends to treat you that way, let alone somebody he used to shag. If he doesn't support you in this, either by telling her to sort her attitude out or kicking her to the kerb, it says a lot about how much he values you imo.

Noisymotorbike · 30/08/2020 20:31

The key thing is she's unfriendly towards you.

Doesn't he notice?

Original poster
MakeMeCool · 30/08/2020 20:33

@Badtasteflump he doesn't see it. Thinks I'm being dramatic but I'm old enough to know when someone is being a shit to me. Also another friend pulled me to one side to ignore it, which I was, but it had obviously been noticed. He thinks I'm being ridiculous though as it's "in the past".

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 30/08/2020 20:37

'Soft spot' - I would be thinking he was hoping to persuade you into a threesome or he likes having her around for the frisson, or in the hope of a potential shag in future.

It wasn't a good way for him to phrase it to you.

If she's nasty to you then he should distance himself from her.

Distressedchic · 30/08/2020 20:39

I am friends with my DH ex who he was in a 6 year relationship with, and close friends with his ex FWB who I got on better with than he did after we met, we socialise all together with no issues.
But I would have been totally pissed off at the start if he had went on about soft spots and expected me to be fine with one of them being an arsehole to me. He would have quickly found himself an ex.

Aerial2020 · 30/08/2020 20:40

This would only be ok if she was fine with you and it was history.
Why would he tell you he had a soft spot for her? Is he trying to make you jealous?
That is the weird
bit. Imagine if you said that to him about a guy you had slept with and not even been in a relationship.
Don't be cool about it.

Aerial2020 · 30/08/2020 20:42

[quote MakeMeCool]@Badtasteflump he doesn't see it. Thinks I'm being dramatic but I'm old enough to know when someone is being a shit to me. Also another friend pulled me to one side to ignore it, which I was, but it had obviously been noticed. He thinks I'm being ridiculous though as it's "in the past".[/quote]
This is not good. Telling you you're dramatic.
Start mentioning how hot some of your exs are and see if he likes it.

Aerial2020 · 30/08/2020 20:43

I reckon he likes it and has set it up like this to play you off each other. Triangle.
Best way to deal with it is not to play

Original poster
MakeMeCool · 30/08/2020 20:53

I try not to bite but he'll say things like, I'm going to invite some friends over. I'll ask who and he will just say everyone but won't actually say her name. It's just really cowardly of him.

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 30/08/2020 20:55

Ignore and go to your own party Grin
He sounds very attention seeking

Original poster
MakeMeCool · 30/08/2020 21:01

@Aerial2020 is this my own party at the same time? Party for one... because I'd even prefer that Grin

OP posts:
Weetabixandcrumpets · 30/08/2020 21:02

I do feel for you and once you are a grown up, no one can make you socialise with people that you don't want to.
Unfortunately, neither can you stop others from socialising, so it all comes down to trust.
I wouldn't like it either and my DP wouldn't put me in that situation anyway.

Aerial2020 · 30/08/2020 21:09

Ha! If you want!
Or find another party with nicer friends!