How to be cool about an ex FWB?

[MakeMeCool]

DP has an ex/ex FWB. She is younger and prettier etc and whilst I have met her and spent some time with her I just can't warm to her. She has been pretty unfriendly towards me and I can't be dealing with it. However, DP has a "soft spot" for her and thinks I'm being an arsehole for disliking her. So how can I get over it. Is this a fake it until you make it situation?

@Aerial2020 that does make more sense 🤦‍♀️

What's the backstory? How long ago was this and how long have you been together?

I am all for being cool and have been ok with partners' exes in the past, but I find this a bit much. You having to come on a forum to seek ways to be cool with it. I don't think you should be cool with it TBH. If you are not too invested in this relationship consider getting out.

My guess is he wants to make your relationship an open relationship. He doesn’t know how to bring it up. He wants to go back to making things happen with her, but still wants you. And he’s trying to co-erce you guys to become friends, and then pick his moment to bring it up with you.

If she’s unfriendly/abit off with you, I’d guess she can’t do no strings, and liked him more than she should have.

If that’s the case, say you do ever agree to go the open relationship route, I would certainly put my foot down about him going anywhere near her.

Ask him if he'd be ok with someone you use to shag being around all the time.

I would end it. You aren't comfortable with it and it will eat away at you.

[quote MakeMeCool]@Badtasteflump he doesn't see it. Thinks I'm being dramatic but I'm old enough to know when someone is being a shit to me. Also another friend pulled me to one side to ignore it, which I was, but it had obviously been noticed. He thinks I'm being ridiculous though as it's "in the past".[/quote]
Just end it. You can do so much better than this man.

You can treat her as you would an unpleasant relative or workmate that you have to tolerate in life. Or you can politely call her out on her rudeness, which is what I would be doing. Every time you allow this women to be rude to you , you are allowing her to step over your boundaries. You have the right to protect your boundaries and if your bf doesn't like that then I'm afraid he's not worth keeping.

“I reckon he likes it and has set it up like this to play you off each other. Triangle.
Best way to deal with it is not to play”

This. Sounds like he gets a kick out of the idea of being fought over.

You say 'our' house - how long have you lived together and did you move in or did he or was it a fresh rental/purchase?

He says he’s always going to have a soft spot for her , he’s ignoring the fact that she is being unfriendly and making you feel uncomfortable . Yet he wants to invite some friends which will include her , over to yours .
Nah mate , i wouldn’t be having that . If he doesn’t respect your feelings , he doesn’t respect you . Time to re evaluate where this relationship is going and is this what you want , a DP who really gives no thought to how you’re feeling .

The house is newly purchased. She was out of our lives for a fair while and then once the house went through she made a re-appearence.

I've always been polite to her. I've never called out on the behaviour because I haven't wanted to cause a scene etc.

You've all given me a lot to think about.

I agree with others that he wants you two adoring women in his triangle.

It’s not really in the past, is it? He is prioritizing her. He still has affection for her and she is jealous of you. He downplays her rudeness and dismisses your discomfort. His agenda is to bring her over no matter how you feel about it. It feels manipulative when he calls you dramatic to make you back off and tries to sweep her in with the group without mentioning her name.

Do you know if they are interacting privately?

I wouldn’t tolerate such disrespect. I would move on and leave them to it.

Why is it your job to be 'cool' about it? Why cant he notice her unfriendliness towards you or learn to be more aware of you might feel? Its always the little womens job to pander to men 😒🙄
Trust yourself and your own feelings about it even if a man disagrees and wont validate them for you, you dodnt feel this way out of nothing.

How long ago were they involved? Is she currently single?

It's very tricky as if you say anything negative about her then he will defend her which will make you feel even more annoyed.

Maybe just resort to putting laxatives in her starter

If she was unfriendly towards me, no way would she be allowed in my home. Whatever her relationship was / is to my partner.

Yeah sorry but if my husband told he still had a soft spot for someone he used to shag I would be devastated. Ignoring everything else that's a really horrible thing to say to the woman he's meant to love, it basically will force you to start comparing yourself against her.

If she's rude to you, your DP needs to be on your side about it. I think he absolutely can see it and is pretending not to because having a fan club is feeding his ego. I think you need to have a frank discussion whereby maybe a compromise could be made: you accept that he still wants her in his life in some fashion (which I think is generous) but you individually don't socialise with her and she certainly doesn't come into your home. If she picks up on it, so be it. Not your problem.

I had/have one of those. A friend that over the years I have also slept with occasionally. We have come close to having a relationship a few times and each time pulled back. We are friends and have a strong chemistry. Been about 20 years.
And so - at the times when I was in relationships and happy emotionally - the sexual part of our relationship went dormant. But it never completely went away. And eventually it came back.
And we both knew that.
At least - in my case - we don’t live close so it’s not an issue that pops up often.

In your case - he is at best fooling himself. And at worst doesn’t care about your feelings.
If he wants to insist on hanging out with her - I’d resurrect some Exes, or start hanging out on my own with single men that like me - and see how he likes it.
Or - just have an honest conversation. And tell him that relationship and commitment are a choice. If he isn’t ready to make his - then maybe you should not waste time.

You've started a thread asking how to hide what you feel. How to look cool about it. You're not cool about it.

Whether other people would be or not, that's what matters.

It doesn't work for you. It makes you upset. It makes you extra upset he either genuinely can't see it and therefore dismisses your feelings or he does see it but thinks he can dismiss your feelings anyway.

He wants the friendship he has with her, as it is now, to continue. That's his right. You don't want that. That's your right.

If you're not going to change how you feel (and you won't - you shouldn't have to either if your natural instinct is to be uncomfortable with it) and neither is he then you aren't compatible.

He is someone who dismisses your feelings. Even when it's clear to other people like the friend who pulled you aside - if you told him other people noticed then he should be opening to listening to your concerns at least, realising if he doesn't see it then he's missing something.

Isn't this all just exhausting and not worth it?

I'm wondering why he told you she was a FWB in the first place. It's like he's deliberately trying to make you feel awkward and then telling you off when you say you do feel awkward. Sounds like a great way for the relationship to end and it's 'all your fault because you were jealous'.

He's a dick. In my humble opinion. If you have it in you, I'd just walk away.

Also, on a side note, I never understand why people describe other women as 'prettier than them'. Is that based on your perception of what is pretty? Because then of course you'd think that, most women think they're not pretty by comparison to others. Or did he say that to you? It always seems so matter of fact, like saying 'that wallpaper is darker than the other one'. But it's nowhere near that objective when it comes to physical attractiveness.

Yuck he clearly still wants to bone her, or at least wants to maintain a 'backup' for if anything goes wrong with you. Even worse he if wants to use both of you to make the other jealous.

One of my close friends and I were FWB for a while a long time ago. NONE of our friends knew. We have not told our current partners. We don't hang out by ourselves anymore, in fact we only hang out in groups - with our partners present. This isn't something we discussed, its what happened naturally. I don't see the need to tell anyone, least of all rub it in our partners faces.

I had something similar years ago. A friend of mine (who knew I loved with him) gave me absolute murder about a mutual friend on a couple of occasions. I liked her well enough, but wasn't about to start a fan club for her, but he was convinced I hated, loathed and despised her - to the point where when I bumped into her on a bus, I was so nice to her that she must have thought I was taking the piss. I thought that I must have been offhand with her unintentionally.

It came out during a discussion out that she had once asked him to go to bed with her. He assumed I knew and interpreted everything I said to her afterwards as me being shitty. I knew nothing about it. I don't know if it did happen - it was none of my business.

Suddenly everything was so clear. I hadn't been shitty to her, he just decided I was. This is what your DH is doing. You know she was a FWB and he has decided that you are jealous.

You can ask your DH to ask his mates what's going on with her being vile to you. If he won't listen to you, he might listen to them.

Do you have any male friends that you could hang out with to make a point?

Obviously that's not a brilliant suggestion, as playing games has no place in a healthy relationship dynamic.

But sadly, the game playing has already started, you just weren't informed. The absolute best thing to do in this situation would be to have a frank discussion about the issue and to leave him if he can't see your side.

But in the absence of that, if you really are adverse to rocking the boat in that way, you should probably just give him a taste of his own medicine and be done with it.

The sad part is that for a lot of women, once that game playing starts, the feelings they had for their partner fade into the distance. When people are naturally committed or monogamous, feigning lust for somebody else can turn into real feelings, and then they don't look at their partner the same.

That should say *averse

hmm. Sorry OP but it is totally normal and indeed vital to have boundaries in relationships. She is someone he slept with in the past and - more importantly perhaps - was also friendly with - so I think he SHOULD (you can't make him...) actually want to prove to you that there is a distance between them.

When I met my now husband he had a similar friend - but he stopped seeing her - because it was not appropriate to let her continue to have that 'special' bond.

I think that male female friendships are normal and healthy - but that doesn't mean there are no boundaries at all does it? If it makes you feel uncomfortable you are allowed to make that clear - and essentially if he won't put you first and push her into a different position - (ie. not as close as before) then I wouldn't want to be with him.

DOn't call her out on her behaviour that is really naff.

Your relationship is with him - if he is putting his friendship with her above his reltionship with you - that's a problem to resolve with him.