Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to be cool about an ex FWB?

80 replies

MakeMeCool · 30/08/2020 20:04

DP has an ex/ex FWB. She is younger and prettier etc and whilst I have met her and spent some time with her I just can't warm to her. She has been pretty unfriendly towards me and I can't be dealing with it. However, DP has a "soft spot" for her and thinks I'm being an arsehole for disliking her. So how can I get over it. Is this a fake it until you make it situation?

OP posts:
nancybotwinbloom · 31/08/2020 14:27

If she can't be polite to you then she shouldn't be in your house and he should be fucking telling her the same.

You have committed to this man longterm
By buying a house with him. He needs to get his priorities in order.

If this was me, she wouldn't be getting past the door and he'd be out the door if he couldn't put me first. Fuck that.

Faith50 · 31/08/2020 14:32

I agree with another poster in that he could be keeping his ex FWB around as a fallback for when he is in between relationships. If he shuts her down now it would be difficult to worm his way back in when the need arises.

He is prioritising their 'friendship' over your relationship. This would worry me. If there are no feelings or attachments he should be able to let her go with no fuss. If not then she means more than he is letting on.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 31/08/2020 14:33

He would not have made it to 'partner' stage, that's how I'd have dealt with it, but I see it's too late for you. I wasn't willing to a buy a house with someone I wasn't married to, anyhow.

He's playing you off on each other.

user1481840227 · 31/08/2020 14:47

I wouldn't be happy with a partner of mine hanging around with someone they had a soft spot for at all, it can imply unfinished business and like an 'almost relationship'. I wouldn't hang out with a male friend I had a soft spot for either.

Add in the fact that she's rude to you and he takes her side....nah couldn't deal with that. I'd end the relationship.

NextOnesaGreyGoose · 31/08/2020 14:59

@Wondergirl100

How is it naff to politely call someone out? I have had to ask someone if they are okay, or if I have done something to upset them as I can feel tension with them?

It shows you where you stand, if they continue being rude then you made an effort and you walk away as much as you can. I've had to do it twice now with a 50% success rate ( ended up being quite friendly with one of them, the other one just had to hide her rudeness better) . I don't really have any time for rude people anymore in my life, so I just do it although I am very polite.

Original poster
MakeMeCool · 31/08/2020 15:26

Thanks everyone for responses. I honestly thought I'd get the "men and women can be friends" chorus, which I am aware having got male friends myself. I'm not into game playing, he is like teflon anyway, it wouldn't bother him and he'd just think I'm being petty.

To answer a few questions - she is single. She had a bf and that's when she went away. They split I found out recently. Objectively she is more attractive. I'm very aware I'm mid 30s on the chubbier side and just a bit plain. If it were snog marry avoid she'd be snog and I'd be the latter two. She is well dressed, nice figure, boobs, hair, make up. Not an M&S £6.50 tee in sight.

OP posts:
newnameforthis123 · 31/08/2020 15:30

To answer a few questions - she is single. She had a bf and that's when she went away. They split I found out recently. Objectively she is more attractive. I'm very aware I'm mid 30s on the chubbier side and just a bit plain. If it were snog marry avoid she'd be snog and I'd be the latter two. She is well dressed, nice figure, boobs, hair, make up. Not an M&S £6.50 tee in sight.

I think if you feel this way about yourself then being in a secure relationship is going to be a struggle with anyone let alone someone who dismisses your feelings.

It's ok to have boundaries and dealbreakers. There doesn't have to be a goodie and baddie for there to be a break up. He's well within his rights to want to be close friends with her still and to believe she isn't unkind to you. You're well within your rights to be uncomfortable about it and feel she is unkind to you.

It just means you aren't compatible.

Is it worth you feeling shit about yourself? He doesn't get it or is pretending not to get it. Either way you aren't on the same page.

Aerial2020 · 31/08/2020 15:34

@MakeMeCool

Thanks everyone for responses. I honestly thought I'd get the "men and women can be friends" chorus, which I am aware having got male friends myself. I'm not into game playing, he is like teflon anyway, it wouldn't bother him and he'd just think I'm being petty.

To answer a few questions - she is single. She had a bf and that's when she went away. They split I found out recently. Objectively she is more attractive. I'm very aware I'm mid 30s on the chubbier side and just a bit plain. If it were snog marry avoid she'd be snog and I'd be the latter two. She is well dressed, nice figure, boobs, hair, make up. Not an M&S £6.50 tee in sight.

Doesn't mean shit in theong run! So what? If she was that amazing he would have wanted her as a girlfriend. What he seems to want, and like, is the attention knowing she fancies him still.

She is not competition and he is trying to make it look that way.
Go out with your own friends , do your own thing.

Tell him you don't have time for this shit.

AryaStarkWolf · 31/08/2020 15:42

@MakeMeCool

Oh crap don't say that. I just don't want to feel like shit about it anymore. He said he'd always have a soft spot for her. His words. He wants to invite her over with other friends. I can't think of anything worse.
He actually said that he has a soft spot for her....to you..........and he's making out that now you are the asshole? Something is messed up here
workhomesleeprepeat · 31/08/2020 16:32

I do think men and women can be friends OP, I just don't think that your DP just views her as a friend.

He's pushing you to see how far he can go, then will be keen to make you look 'crazy' for objecting to his 'friendship.' He sounds like a headfuck. I would do a lot of thinking about this if I were you.

Also, don't compare yourself to this woman. It will make you miserable and its pointless. Focus on the shitty behaviour from your P.

user1481840227 · 31/08/2020 17:03

@Weetabixandcrumpets

I do feel for you and once you are a grown up, no one can make you socialise with people that you don't want to. Unfortunately, neither can you stop others from socialising, so it all comes down to trust. I wouldn't like it either and my DP wouldn't put me in that situation anyway.
It's not just down to trust, it's also comes down to respect for your partner.
JeremyBeremy · 31/08/2020 18:46

"I'm not into game playing, he is like teflon anyway, it wouldn't bother him and he'd just think I'm being petty."

Really? Like Teflon? I'm really not trying to be harsh. But it's a bit contradictory for somebody to have a 'soft spot' for a woman he wasn't even dating, when he couldn't give a fig about his current partner potentially cheating on him. Do you think he would be 'like Teflon' if she attended a get together with a brand new boyfriend? If the answer to that is no, then hopefully you'll see what's wrong with the situation here.

Even though you may not think so, beauty is subjective. Regardless of what the media tries to reinforce, there are plenty of people who find others beautiful for who they are, as opposed to which standard boxes they tick. If he is somehow making you feel as though this woman is prettier than you, then he is ugly (by my standards) and not worth pursuing a future with.

Original poster
MakeMeCool · 31/08/2020 19:11

Thank you all for the input. I have had a lot to think about. Ironically a completely normal conversation turned sour and he pretty much dumped me so I guess I don't need to worry about her anymore because he isn't my problem yes I'm trying to be brave with my big girl knickers pulled right up

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 31/08/2020 19:22

DOn't call her out on her behaviour that is really naff.

Being assertive and telling someone how they're acting isn't ok is the opposite of naff. Of course if it was 'Oy, you got a problem?' Or squaring up to them that'd be naff, but not just saying their behaviour isn't ok.

pretty much dumped me

@MakeMeCool Move this to blocking him and permanently ending it. Sounds like he's a wanker in a lot of ways. Don't let him win you round as things will just go on the same/go back to where they were. x

LinoVentura · 31/08/2020 19:22

Sounds like he's done you a big favour - or it's an escalation of his playing games. Either way I think you need to get rid of him from your life completely asap.

Original poster
MakeMeCool · 31/08/2020 19:28

Well I have agreement with a friend to go stay with her for a few days. So tomorrow I'll get a bag together and go. Will let the dust settle before I make any further contact. Thankfully not working tomorrow.

OP posts:
AnaViaSalamanca · 31/08/2020 19:34

Sorry to hear that @MakeMeCool. It seems he has a thing for her and is trying to create issues with you to end things and be available to her. I think there is more history and unfinished business there, more that what he has told you.

I hope that's not the case, but either way your DP seems to be the drama seeking type.

Original poster
MakeMeCool · 31/08/2020 19:40

I have no idea any more. I'm a bit shocked it was such a normal conversation. I just want to get today out the way and start tomorrow looking forward.

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 31/08/2020 19:49
Flowers
newnameforthis123 · 31/08/2020 20:01

More than that - start looking forward to being single until you meet someone who doesn't perpetuate you feeling shit about yourself! It's SO much better to be single than to be with the wrong person again.

AnaViaSalamanca · 31/08/2020 20:33

take care of yourself OP Flowers

user1481840227 · 31/08/2020 20:41

Be careful OP.
He sounds like he could be the kind of guy who likes to blow hot and cold to keep you on edge.....so I wouldn't be surprised if he comes back when he thinks you've learned your lesson.
Don't get sucked back in!

AryaStarkWolf · 31/08/2020 20:42

Best of luck OP, he doesn't sound very nice anyway

Original poster
MakeMeCool · 31/08/2020 20:47

Thanks all Flowers I just want a few peaceful days to feel better.

OP posts:
classicBritishMum · 31/08/2020 21:42

@MakeMeCool

I saw your update OP I'm so sorry, I can't believe the nerve of him basically dumping you!
Although it hurts like hell eventually you'll realise this is a blessing. He wants a woman with lower standards than you. You're now free to find a man of a higher standard that sees your value.

On a side note idc if it sounds old fashioned but if I'm in a relationship with someone, I'm not okay with them keeping in contact with people they've previously slept with - their free to find someone else that'll allow it but I'm not going there. Obviously the point only stands when there aren't kids involved! Grin