2 years later his ex still hasn’t fully moved on. Finding it stressful.

[Mixup123445]

Try to keep it short here.
I have been with my OH 2 years now, he split up with his ex just before we met they have a DS. She now has another boyfriend, yet still rings my ex for pointless things, or txts for stupid things or sends pictures of DS even tho my OH has asked her to stop. It’s causing so much friction between me and OH he doesn’t want to offend or upset her, but he agrees that she doesn’t seem to be fully moving on. He also agrees it’s not fair on me, they have equal shared custody so it’s not like he is away from DS longs spells of time. I have even asked her nicely myself to please move on but ended up with his sister txting me abuse because they are still friends.

*hang in there!

As usual how dare you criticise the first wife and child!!
@Mixup123445 I think the constant messages especially late night are excessive, I doubt many here would actually like it.
Maybe your DP could say please don’t msg during work hours or after 8pm.
Yes they want to co parent but she sounds as if she feels entitled to monopolise his time.

*If you go on to have a child with him, this will be his level of interest in them once he fucks off to the next girlfriend.

This exactly*

He has 50/50 custody and facetimes his child twice a day, how is this showing no interest?

On another note of some other posts on here, if you have a good relationship with your mother in law, why on earth is it weird to keep in touch with her even if you have split with her son?

In my case, the ex didn't have a good relationship with pil until after they split - using your status as a parent to maintain a relationship is wierd - it wouldn't happen if children weren't involved. The child maintains their relationship with GPS through their respective parents it seems totally bonkers! As I mentioned, Co parented for 14 years and have never been to ex mil or my ex been to my dm. Obviously at times there is contact, handovers etc and we were always polite and friendly. Nothing more is necessary

Well then I would disagree because before my mil died, she was amazing and lovely and there was no way we would stop talking to each other because her son had decided that.

Its not using your 'status' as a parent, it's being 2 adults who like each other and like having a relationship. You can't control who people talk to.
It wasn't excessive, it was nice and it was good for our children to see.
That's a slight step away from the post but just because it didn't work for you, doesn't mean every family is the same

And yes it would have happened if children weren't involved. It would have been cruel to suddenly stop contact because her son had made his own decisions

@Mixup123445 hi OP I went through something Similar. Message me directly if you need someone to talk to who won't be judgemental and who's actually been in your position.

In your case, I get it - that is quite an unusual circumstance. Obviously I was generalising and meaning in relation to op.

My ex cheated, I felt cheated out of the relationships I'd built with my pil and sils - in the end though they are his family and I have mine. I get its not like this for everyone but we are talking about the ops situation which I'd guess was more similar from what she's said.

Yes I do think the OP needs to speak to her partner about this

Dps ex has a good relationship with his parents, and that's fine. She was their family for a long time, still sort of is. It's not a move I'd make but I get it. What I didn't like is that she bad mouthed me and dp to them, and monopolised their time to the point where we couldn't see them for years. We had to call in advance and every time they were busy with her. Not so much any more but we still don't have a great relationship with them because of that. They would have days out with her and DSS but if we suggested that when he was with us, guess what they were out with her.

So yes, a fine and normal thing to do, but there is a line imo.

Do you live with your boyfriend?

You should never have interfered and text her to warn her off texting your boyfriend. How will you feel when your current boyfriend moves on and his new girlfriend texts you and berates you? You might have even had a child with this boyfriend by then. Put yourself in her shoes and don't be an idiot.

People on here are way too harsh and it seems they can only see in extremes, OP. If you complain about something being too much, their mind automatically goes to 'you want none at all' then.

People, there IS a middle ground! Not wanting to have 10 or 20 text messages and photos a day, DOESN'T mean you are 'cold' and want none at all! It JUST means you don't want your phone blown up with 10 to 20 messages a day for no real reason at all. I would be pissed off if I were you. I think any NORMAL human being would, and those on here who smugly say they wouldn't be pissed off with an ex - or, ANYONE, for that matter - blowing up your phone with 20 messages a day and calling at odd hours, are lying. No normal person has time for that.

I do think though that maybe it's not about your DP specifically. She may just be one of those super-social, hard work, suffocating people who think contacting people dozens of times a day is normal. If she still speaks - every day - to his mum, that to me says that it's just her personality. It's nothing personal regarding DP, it's just how she is. Her personality. And perhaps no one has dared to attempt to tell her to give people space, so it's normal to her.

Your DP needs to STOP answering her calls at all hours. Let it go through to messagebank. Reply to her texts one a day or once every 2 days, no matter how many a day she sends. He really needs to STOP ENGAGING WITH HER, unless it's an emergency of course, and only reply to her messages short, direct, a few words, and once every second day or day. She does this because despite him telling her off, he chooses to engage. She is not there with him in the room, he can choose when he responds. He can switch the phone off. He can respond the next day. It's only a phone. And he has the choice if to respond, and when to respond.

But also re photos, I and my friends grew up in an era where you had film cameras and didn't have mobile phones with camera in it and didn't have digital cameras with SD cards that can take 600 photos, so we weren't in the habit of taking photos of our meal, a swing set, a kid taking a sip from a drink, kid spinning around, kid waving, kid holding thumbs up, mummy showing label on a drink, oh here's another photo of kid doing thumbs up sign, etc etc etc everything short of a bowel movement. I've even seen people taking photos on their phone of them in a hospital showing the drip bag. I mean, WHAT'S THE F'N POINT?!?? Photos were sparing but good and meaningful. These days people take 20 photos of the same kid in the space of 5 minutes, it's so fucking ridiculous. It's a phone, not a camera. People need to grow up and only take photos of meaningful times and meaningful occasions. I miss the days where people took photos on proper occasions and not 150 of the same people sitting around the same table in a period of 6 hours, so they all look the same, just different poses and drink on the table in different placements. Back then, people actually took photos for real reasons of real situations. And not 'just because'. And since most digital cameras are much better quality than even the most expensive iPhone, I normally take my photos with an ACTUAL camera. Not a phone.

*i behave exactly like her’? Come on now....you’re getting a little defensive.

He wants a relationship with the Mother of his child. Deal with it or move on. It’s not for you to decide is it. Bet that stings

My step child mum send me loads of pictures and I love seeing her when not with us, maybe her mum wants me?

You’re contradicting yourself somewhat. In the one breath you say that the child is a mummy’s girl, in the next you’re annoyed when the ex says the child wants to FaceTime his daddy. If he’s a daddy’s boy then it stands to reason that he would want to FaceTime daddy from the park or wherever, just because parents are separated doesn’t mean the child should be told he has time with mummy and time with daddy and shouldn’t be communicating with the other during those times...

My eXH has a partner very much like you.

When we split we were amicable. We didn’t talk or text late at night I grant you, but we occasionally talked in between contact. But once he got together with his new partner that time reduced, fair enough. However as soon as she moved in with him I got the “back off, don’t contact him at work” text within five days, and all because I’d had to ring him over something which really was relevant and by no means trivial.

As time went on the mention of my name became a no-go in their house.

The new DP wasn’t allowed to know that I had bought the Christmas presents on dS’ behalf just because I was out and he was at school at the time, because it might upset her.

It then progressed to he couldn’t even mention that. I had wrapped presents the following year,

And culminated in them having a massive row in public where she demanded my name never be mentioned and slagged me off in all manner of other ways.

That was four years ago, and DS hasn’t stayed there since.

He sees his dad from time to time, and he’s old enough to do that independently now, but he refuses to go to their house or have anything to do with her.

Whatever she’s doing, you sending her a back off message makes you seem unhinged.

My eXH never told me to back off, it just wasn’t necessary, because it was clear that my communication wasn’t wanted so now we communicate on a need to know basis only. It hasn’t made for a great co parenting relationship, and the only one who has suffered from that is DS.

But I suspect your DP doesn’t actually mind all this communication because he isn’t putting a stop to it. Moreover, he’s telling you all about it so I suspect he enjoys playing the two of you off against one another.

I get you op. I dont know why others are acting deliberately obtuse. There isn't a need for her to be texting at night with irrelevant stuff.
She is clearly using her son as a means to get to him.
If he has actually told her to stop and she ignored that then she has a serious problem. Someone tells you to stop doing something and you persist? And that's ok?
He needs to be clear with her one last time.

I agree - about other posters being obtuse. Deliberately twisting the information to make you the bad guy.
I'm a devoted DGM but I don't want constant facetimes of my lovely DGCs - let alone at work!!!
ARe all the posters SAHM with time on their hands that they can constantly deal happily with constant txts and facetime calls about what must be nothing - not enough happens in a day to warrant several contacts/questions.
The ex is manipulating the DS which is the real problem.

@Fallowdeerhunter

*i behave exactly like her’? Come on now....you’re getting a little defensive.

He wants a relationship with the Mother of his child. Deal with it or move on. It’s not for you to decide is it. Bet that stings

Is there any need?

Anything else aside I am absolutely cringing at the fact you messaged her yourself! Undermines positioning you as a stable, healthy partner completely! Full body cringe that you did that, not your place at all.

I understand that the amount of photos and late night unnecessary calls are annoying. Plus the facetiming.

You can overdo anything in life.

For him ...he could ask her not to facetime or call during working hours or late at night unless it's an emergency.

Apart from that.. you can't really do anything about it.... it's for him to deal with.

If it upsets you to the point that it's causing issues in your relationship... then you need to reconsider if this relationship is for you.

BTW.. all the posts about him being a bad dad are nonsense. Not wanting to be bombarded with pics doesn't make him a bad dad FGS.

I think she's just trying to show him that she's doing as good a job as she can as a mum.

Stop letting it get to you. It won't carry on forever...certainly not the photos.

But the fact is that he could ignore her and he doesn’t. If he’s told her to stop and she hasn’t then why is he still responding to her?

And he’s telling the OP all this - why? Was the OP there when he told her to stop I wonder? Because while excessive communication might be annoying, it does sound as if he’s enjoying the attention from both women.

It would be very easy for him to shut down the ex’s communication and he hasn’t done that. Asking her to stop clearly wasn’t enough, so he needs to ignore, and stop telling the OP about every time he gets in contact.

And there is absolutely no justification for the new girlfriend to be sending a message telling her to move on. None what so ever.

Even if people justify the rest, that in particular is cringeworthy in the extreme, and if my DP sent my ex such a message I would be embarrassed to be with him.

She was at me first.