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Original poster

2 years later his ex still hasn’t fully moved on. Finding it stressful.

131 replies

Mixup123445 · 30/08/2020 12:34

Try to keep it short here.
I have been with my OH 2 years now, he split up with his ex just before we met they have a DS. She now has another boyfriend, yet still rings my ex for pointless things, or txts for stupid things or sends pictures of DS even tho my OH has asked her to stop. It’s causing so much friction between me and OH he doesn’t want to offend or upset her, but he agrees that she doesn’t seem to be fully moving on. He also agrees it’s not fair on me, they have equal shared custody so it’s not like he is away from DS longs spells of time. I have even asked her nicely myself to please move on but ended up with his sister txting me abuse because they are still friends.

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 30/08/2020 13:37

@Mixup123445

Ok so, this is his opinion of her. He doesn’t think she can move on. He said that to me, the pictures is a small part of what’s going on. She FaceTimes him from the park (usually when he’s at work) saying DS wanted to show you the park. She calls to say pointless things. My OH has asked her 3/4 times now to stop. He’s also tried ignoring then she will reply an hour later with ??? Because he hasn’t replied. He keeps saying I don’t want to argue with her he wants to go parent but not at the intrusive level she does. When I say we take his DS out more, whilst it’s not about how many places you take a child, my point is we have lots and lots of nice pics of him ourselves from days out etc. She will visit OH’s parents and get DS to FaceTime to show where they are. It’s becoming OTT. Was my point.
It's still up to him to talk to her. I can see why you feel the way you do but it is not your place to tell her.
Opentooffers · 30/08/2020 13:40

The vitriol from his ex's friend and sister, you really ought to have seen coming, you were out of line telling the ex to move on. You might find things calm down now she has a BF, meantime, I recommend you rise above it all, as otherwise your DP may get fed up of you going on about it and the arguments around it, which don't need to happen.

MitziK · 30/08/2020 13:45

@Mixup123445

Ok so, this is his opinion of her. He doesn’t think she can move on. He said that to me, the pictures is a small part of what’s going on. She FaceTimes him from the park (usually when he’s at work) saying DS wanted to show you the park. She calls to say pointless things. My OH has asked her 3/4 times now to stop. He’s also tried ignoring then she will reply an hour later with ??? Because he hasn’t replied. He keeps saying I don’t want to argue with her he wants to go parent but not at the intrusive level she does. When I say we take his DS out more, whilst it’s not about how many places you take a child, my point is we have lots and lots of nice pics of him ourselves from days out etc. She will visit OH’s parents and get DS to FaceTime to show where they are. It’s becoming OTT. Was my point.
I think he's flattering himself there.

She's trying to integrate the kid's life. His father doesn't actually care that this is psychologically better for the child than a hard demarcation where the other parent doesn't exist and can't be spoken of, thought about or contacted outside the few moments it takes to handover.

From experience of that sort of arrangement (not my choice), it's harmful to the child in a way that communicating freely throughout the week isn't. It leads to things like finding out five days later that the kid has been in hospital because 'it's none of your business what we do' or you contact them to say the kid is in hospital and they don't even acknowledge it because it's not their problem when they're not there.

Of course, if the bio father isn't that interested, then you get things like stepfathers taking up the role of default male parent over time. Because they're there and involved. But it takes a lot of constant rejection and accusations of failing to move on before that happens. You're going the right way about it for that to happen, though.

willowmelangell · 30/08/2020 13:46

Mums don't conveniently just quietly fade into the background. Silently thrusting a beaming and scrubbed child up for handover!
An involved, hands on dad will want to hear stuff you are not remotely interested in. Perhaps after she has cleaned up the house it is late at night.

HyaluronicHippo · 30/08/2020 13:48

How old is the child?

It’s very convenient when a man gets into a long term relationship immediately after leaving the mother of his child.

1940s · 30/08/2020 13:50

He doesn't want pics of his child when he's not with him?! He is definitely the problem in this scenario

booboo24 · 30/08/2020 15:15

I think he enjoys making you feel like she's still pining, and i think you sound very controlling. She will ALWAYS be a part of your lives being his son's mother, and he will ALWAYS be his son's dad, not just when it's his "time" with him. If you can't handle him having a past, then for the poor son's sake you need to move on

PaterPower · 30/08/2020 15:15

Lots of projection going on in this thread.

“They have equal shared access” which I’m reading as 50:50 time. There is absolutely no need for constant late night communications from the ex in this situation.

booboo24 · 30/08/2020 15:18

I would also add that I wouldn't take the blindest bit of notice if my ex husband's new girlfriend tried to dictate to me how I should be co parenting, its between him and her

Original poster
Mixup123445 · 30/08/2020 17:21

@PaterPower you are the only one who seems to get any of what I’ve said. Sadly all other posters are trying to protray he’s a bad dad now 🙄 or he’s jumped straight into bed with me and he isn’t allowed to want to move on. All wrong theories. The main point is co-parenting is completely fine but where do you tow the line on unnecessary contact. I mean she still speaks to OH’s mum every day too which is fine if that’s what she likes but it just seems to me she cannot move on from the past. She has just bought an equal amount of uniform for DSS as we have. OH txt to let her know we had 4 sets and ask did she want us to get shoes, bag etc. She then proceeds to send 8 pictures of what she intends to get. I don’t think it’s me being jelous or Ott here. I just think it’s any reason for a full conversation with OH now, she could have just replied no I’ll get shoes and bag and I have 3 sets of uniform too 🤷🏽‍♀️ I don’t get involved btw, so I’m controlling nothing I try and keep my opinions to myself. Hence this post.

OP posts:
Gingerkittykat · 30/08/2020 17:38

I would steer clear of texting her yourself, that will never end well and I don't know why you even have her number. Any parenting arrangement is between your DP and his ex.

Does he respond to her late night texts? I can see why it would be difficult to ignore a facetime call if he knows his child is there but having strict rules about when the child can contact him seems to be what is needed.

Does she demand to speak to her child when he is with his dad? How do you manage things then?

maddy68 · 30/08/2020 17:41

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Original poster
Mixup123445 · 30/08/2020 17:45

He always responds to her txts, he doesn’t want to upset her or have any animosity. What I don’t get is why she would even FaceTime in the beginning? Why not say dads busy in work you can speak to him later (as he is almost always in work when she FT’s) They both FaceTime him once in the morning and once at night when he is with the other parent. 9/10 when DSS is with us and she FaceTimes he will refuse to speak to her or will say i will FaceTime u later mummy. He is a daddy’s boy but we always try to encourage him to talk about his day etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mixup123445 · 30/08/2020 17:47

@maddy68 he 100% has told her I’ve been sitting next to him when he’s sent the txt. Like I said I don’t say a thing to him regarding this I listen and just nod. But it is really starting to get OTT now.

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 30/08/2020 17:47

But you have got involved
You've told her to move on.
That is still not your place. Even if you married the guy and had his children, it is still up to him to sort it out.
You don't know this woman or her mental health
Leave it to him nd discuss it with him and tell him he needs to talk to her properly about it.
Stay out of it
It is not your child and not your place.

mrscampbellblackagain · 30/08/2020 17:51

I would tread very carefully if I were you. And I wouldn't say stuff like 'he's a daddy's boy' - that's just asking for trouble in this scenario.

Good luck!

FindingNeverland1 · 30/08/2020 17:53

My partner's DM has never gotten over her ex. 25+ years later. They had a child together (DP). Her ex then married and had kids with someone else.

And all these years later she's not over it. Still half heartedly waiting for him to get back with her (he NEVER will). It is very sad. Some people just don't get over these things, especially if a child is involved.

Bollss · 30/08/2020 17:55

@mrscampbellblackagain

I would tread very carefully if I were you. And I wouldn't say stuff like 'he's a daddy's boy' - that's just asking for trouble in this scenario.

Good luck!

Oh ffs.

Would you complain if op said the child was a mummy's boy? No. No you wouldn't.

God forbid a child likes spending time with their dad.

TheHoneyBadger · 30/08/2020 18:03

[quote Mixup123445]@PaterPower you are the only one who seems to get any of what I’ve said. Sadly all other posters are trying to protray he’s a bad dad now 🙄 or he’s jumped straight into bed with me and he isn’t allowed to want to move on. All wrong theories. The main point is co-parenting is completely fine but where do you tow the line on unnecessary contact. I mean she still speaks to OH’s mum every day too which is fine if that’s what she likes but it just seems to me she cannot move on from the past. She has just bought an equal amount of uniform for DSS as we have. OH txt to let her know we had 4 sets and ask did she want us to get shoes, bag etc. She then proceeds to send 8 pictures of what she intends to get. I don’t think it’s me being jelous or Ott here. I just think it’s any reason for a full conversation with OH now, she could have just replied no I’ll get shoes and bag and I have 3 sets of uniform too 🤷🏽‍♀️ I don’t get involved btw, so I’m controlling nothing I try and keep my opinions to myself. Hence this post.[/quote]
Err that would be her child’s grandmother. Not her ex’s mum. HTH.

stophuggingme · 30/08/2020 18:06

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Bollocks
Mummy’s boy or Daddy’s boy is so T.H. we said in jest in a family where parents are still together or if the parents are separated to possibly denote a child’s preference.

It’s sniping

Bollss · 30/08/2020 18:07

Err that would be her child’s grandmother. Not her ex’s mum. HTH

To the ex, she is both her child's grandmother, and her ex's mum. Hmm

Bollss · 30/08/2020 18:07

[quote stophuggingme]@TrustTheGeneGenie

Bollocks
Mummy’s boy or Daddy’s boy is so T.H. we said in jest in a family where parents are still together or if the parents are separated to possibly denote a child’s preference.

It’s sniping[/quote]
I think you'd think anything op said was sniping by the sounds of it.

TheHoneyBadger · 30/08/2020 18:17

I bet the child’s mother and grandmother have interesting discussions about you not liking the child having an integrated family. I’m guessing grandma is really pleased that her grandsons mother keeps in touch.

My mother has messaged me several times this week fretting about ds’s uniform and how she felt his coat was looking a bit small etc. I’m a full grown adult who is on it but she loves him and wants to be useful in his life and grandmother will tend to talk to mum about these things rather than a dad.

Just how it is though not right obviously.

Can’t imagine why you’d resent a mum having communication with her child’s father or grandparents

Bollss · 30/08/2020 18:18

@TheHoneyBadger

I bet the child’s mother and grandmother have interesting discussions about you not liking the child having an integrated family. I’m guessing grandma is really pleased that her grandsons mother keeps in touch.

My mother has messaged me several times this week fretting about ds’s uniform and how she felt his coat was looking a bit small etc. I’m a full grown adult who is on it but she loves him and wants to be useful in his life and grandmother will tend to talk to mum about these things rather than a dad.

Just how it is though not right obviously.

Can’t imagine why you’d resent a mum having communication with her child’s father or grandparents

Is there any need to be so horrible?

Op hasn't said she resents the mum having a relationship with the grandmother....

TheHoneyBadger · 30/08/2020 18:30

Horrible? Resenting a mother being close to her child’s grandma is horrible. Expecting a mother not to try to be in close contact with the coparent of their child is horrible. Pointing it out isn’t imo.

Ideally coparents should be in close friendly contact and mothers and grandparents the same. None of them should have to avoid that in order to please the dads girlfriend.

If you get involved with a man with children you should be able to deal with this or be honest and say actually my insecurities can’t cope with this.

The child is the priority.