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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Resenting DH weekend of sports

101 replies

darrenlacey · 29/08/2020 17:23

Hi, I think im probably BU....just looking to have a bit of a rant really and ask if anyone is in the same boat.

DH has recently started playing golf every weekend, (before this it was years of football) which takes him out of the house for minimum 6 hours on a Saturday or a sunday.

I find myself feeling really resentful when he’s gone.

We have an 11 month old dd and two older dd’s (7 & 11).

Baby is exclusively bf and bedshares with me during naps and through the night. This weekend I am starting to sleep train but she heavily relies on me for sleep at the moment.

She has never had a bottle and refused dummies, so DH has never put her down for a nap or been up with her in the night. He sleeps on the sofa every night (his choice).

He has a very labour intensive job, Leaves at 6am comes home At 5pm. I cook for everyone and clean up after dinner and go to bed with baby. He walks the dog and puts our other dd’s to bed.

I just can’t help but feel - where is my time off? How come he gets to take himself away in the small amount of spare time he has to help me out.

OP posts:
JaniceBattersby · 29/08/2020 17:27

When you have little children, you can’t have hobbies that take up a whole day at the weekend and leaves one parent in charge of the kids against their will. If the other person has the other weekend day ‘off’ and you’re both happy with that, then that’s different.

Otherwise, it’s incredibly selfish.

Original poster
darrenlacey · 29/08/2020 17:40

That’s how I feel, but he feels very strongly that he should be able to have a fair few hours dedicated to playing sports - he ‘needs’ it...and it’s not about the socialising, today was a round of golf on his own.
He also plays football every Tuesday from 6.30-9.30pm.

I don’t have a life outside of being a mother, I lost my group of friends from my 20s a long time due to my previous relationship. If I did have friends, and wanted to go out once or twice a week I know he would be fine with that. So am I being harsh just because I don’t also have a hobby or any friends to socialise with?

OP posts:
category12 · 29/08/2020 17:54

I think you are being unreasonable if you could go out and have time on your own, but choose not to and resent him for taking his own opportunities.

Try taking an evening or afternoon for yourself, leaving him with the children - go for a swim or to the cinema or to somewhere pretty to have a walk.

You also seem to be going to bed really quite early if you go to bed before a 7 year old? Maybe you need to change up the way you're doing things. There can't be much time together as a couple if you're doing that, he's up at 6am and you sleep separately.

Welshgal85 · 29/08/2020 18:00

When he says he needs his time away playing golf what do you say? I’d want to say ‘what about me? I need time to myself too!’ Does he know that you feel you don’t have a very fair balance at home?

Also I know people who have made new friends through the Peanut app, or on MeetUp, what could be a way for you to make some new friends and have some new hobbies? You and he should be a team and it shouldn’t all fall on you all the time

Iggi999 · 29/08/2020 18:03

A round of golf takes a long time. If the OP was away for a similar length of time, would there be any time left in the weekend that they were together, with the children?
Dh often has hobbies that take him away on Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning, and one thing I have bloody loved about lockdown is that he was with us instead.

category12 · 29/08/2020 18:03

I think both of you need time out, rather than both of you having no lives outside of parenthood or work.

Original poster
darrenlacey · 29/08/2020 18:16

Well, I wouldn’t be able to leave for as long as a round of golf takes, because the baby is still heavily reliant on me (breast milk) to get to sleep for two naps a day plus 6.30pm bed time.

I am currently trying to ‘sleep train’ her (not cry it out) to have her sleeps in her cot and not nurse to sleep, and nurse in the night as she has been doing.....However once sleep trained I think bed times will still involve her nursing as part of her routine. She refused dummies and has never fed from a bottle.

I am intending on joining a gym and getting out two evenings a week for an hour and a half and maybe two hours on a Saturday or Sunday, which will help with the resentment I think.

I have argued with him about the golf and he says things like “I work and pay for you and you do nothing for me, then you make me feel guilty for playing golf/football it’s out of order. You walk all over me etc”

OP posts:
Original poster
darrenlacey · 29/08/2020 18:19

@category12 yes I have been going to bed SO early for nearly a year now because of Bedsharing with the baby. I have been fed up for a long time with the way things are and DH hasn’t been fussed about changing things because I suppose it suits him not having to put her down himself? (Apart from the fact we have only had sex three times since the baby is born)

Yes he is gone to work by the time we get up in the mornings in the week.

OP posts:
category12 · 29/08/2020 18:27

It's no wonder you resent him (and it sounds like he resents you too) when you're not really getting any time to connect as adults.

I think the gym will help you, but you really also need some couple-time if possible? Maybe you could agree something like he does golf one weekend day, and then the other day is family time and a date night every fortnight or something?

Original poster
darrenlacey · 29/08/2020 18:37

In theory date night would be lovely but u just a cannot see that happening any time soon with the baby ! She is too reliant on me.

OP posts:
category12 · 29/08/2020 18:41

Maybe it's time to let go a bit? She is 11 months, presumably she eats solids and can drink from a sippy cup? Do you have family nearby who could babysit?

LilyWater · 29/08/2020 18:42

To be fair, it's not his fault that the youngest child is so attached to you. You should both have time off. He has his 6 hours one weekend, fine, but then the other weekend you get to go out (even if ithas to be with the little one) for a few hours to do what you want or staying in at home having a few hours to chill, with him taking care of everything else (and you not interfering with his own way of doing things during those hours). Too many women martyr themselves then resent husbands/partners for taking their own break which can lead to unnecessary breakups down the line. Nothing's stopping you having your own time, you just need to prioritise it for yourself and hand over the reins to him as the children's other parent.

Original poster
darrenlacey · 29/08/2020 18:46

I am slowly going insane and Id love to let go a bit, I just don’t know how to do it. I am trying to sleep train her from Bedsharing and breastfeeding through the night. DH has opted not to be involved in sleep training because she gets so distressed if I’m not there to comfort her at bed and nap time. She refuses dummies/bottle.

I’d love to be able to leave her with DH or a grandparent for several hours. But it’s not possible. I am at a loss for how to do it.

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 29/08/2020 18:47

Was this 3rd child planned? Is there maybe some resentment on your DH side there?

Agree with a pp that an 11 month old doesn't have to be reliant soley on her mum.

PurBal · 29/08/2020 18:48

We don't have kids but DH hobbies drive me barmy. He ran 25km before 10 this morning and has basically been out of it all day. Cycling tomorrow. Swimming Monday. YANBU.

DrDetriment · 29/08/2020 18:49

It does sound a little bit like you've become one of those women who is totally absorbed with your children. The sleeping thing is wierd - you must never see each other during the week as a couple. I understand why he wants to get out to play golf but you need to step up and carve out a few hours for you. Let him do more with the children and perhaps loosen the reins a little. Children should fit into your life not dictate it.

Original poster
darrenlacey · 29/08/2020 18:49

I just feel like, I don’t seem to have a choice to go out or get a break because of the baby and DH isn’t fussed about helping me to change this situation.

So where is my weekend / afternoon break ?etc. It’s 24/7 for me.
He’s had a year of never having to feed her a bottle, get up in the night, put her to bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
darrenlacey · 29/08/2020 18:51

Yes she was planned.

DH has been very keen on me Bedsharing with her and giving her comfort, what she needs blah blah.

I was all for it up to a few months ago and now feel trapped and don’t know how to get her out of it

OP posts:
DrDetriment · 29/08/2020 18:51

But you have created this by doing attachment parenting and not allowing anyone else to help. I mean this kindly as I appreciate it's hard.

Original poster
darrenlacey · 29/08/2020 18:52

Currently transferring her to cot once asleep...on my own. 😡

OP posts:
Original poster
darrenlacey · 29/08/2020 18:53

How have I not allowed anyone else to help?
She refused dummies and bottles.
No one has offered to help that I have refused.

OP posts:
workingfortheclampdown · 29/08/2020 18:53

I wouldn't be very impress with him saying "I work and pay for you and you do nothing for me, then you make me feel guilty for playing golf/football it’s out of order. You walk all over me etc” - you're taking care of his children, right? Is it a wider issue that he doesn't value your contribution?

Original poster
darrenlacey · 29/08/2020 18:55

@workingfortheclampdown the elder two aren’t biologically his (but their father is utterly feckless so they may as well be).

I think it’s common (in my experience anyway) that dads don’t see how hard it is being at home with a baby day in day out and think they’re the only ones doing ‘work’.

OP posts:
edwinbear · 29/08/2020 18:56

OP I’ve said this on similar threads and will say it again here. I’ve never met a golfer who isn’t a selfish prick, it’s played by men who don’t like their families much.

TwentyViginti · 29/08/2020 18:56

workingfortheclampdown is correct. You need to point out to him that he can do all he does only because you do all the parenting. It's time he stepped up.