Resenting DH weekend of sports

[darrenlacey]

Hi, I think im probably BU....just looking to have a bit of a rant really and ask if anyone is in the same boat.

DH has recently started playing golf every weekend, (before this it was years of football) which takes him out of the house for minimum 6 hours on a Saturday or a sunday.

I find myself feeling really resentful when he’s gone.

We have an 11 month old dd and two older dd’s (7 & 11).

Baby is exclusively bf and bedshares with me during naps and through the night. This weekend I am starting to sleep train but she heavily relies on me for sleep at the moment.

She has never had a bottle and refused dummies, so DH has never put her down for a nap or been up with her in the night. He sleeps on the sofa every night (his choice).

He has a very labour intensive job, Leaves at 6am comes home At 5pm. I cook for everyone and clean up after dinner and go to bed with baby. He walks the dog and puts our other dd’s to bed.

I just can’t help but feel - where is my time off? How come he gets to take himself away in the small amount of spare time he has to help me out.

My DH continued his golf and football when our DC were little which was fine by me
But if you are not happy then speak to him and agree a compromise

@Theredjellybean have only started sleep training at my insistence this wknd. I did envisage handing the baby to dh so I could go downstairs and spend time with my other dc, but the first go at getting her to go in cot this morning with DH involved her screaming for 10 mins then him handing her to me. Then he went to play golf and didn’t get back til 7pm.

He’s now not talking to me because I ruined his golf by sending him a snarky message about the washing up .

[quote darrenlacey]@LovingLola yes I’ve already stated that he puts the other girls to bed (and walks the dog) in the evenings. This involves making sure ASD dd 7 brushes her teeth and changes into her pyjamas, then an hour later telling dd11 to go up to bed.
I’m not sure what that has to do with him playing golf on a weekend.[/quote]
This is basic parenting. The minimum he should be doing.

@Aerial2020
They are not his children.

[quote LovingLola]@Aerial2020
They are not his children.[/quote]
Ummm, we’ve been together since DD7 was 1.

Are you suggesting he be given bonus points because they’re not biologically his?

When the baby goes to sleep can you get up? Or are you gone to bed for the night at 6.30?

That’s what I’m working on - sleep training.

Hopefully it will get sorted very soon and you can get time for yourself.

[quote LovingLola]@Aerial2020
They are not his children.[/quote]
So?

It’s irrelevant.

Have you tried getting back in touch with your old friends- via Facebook or whichever ways you can find?

I just think it might cheer you up a bit and help if you had friends for support. You could just chat via messenger or whatever at first, then meet when you're eventually able.

I'm not a parent, but it sounds a bit crap that he gave up with the baby after ten mins?

I’m sorry @darrenlacey I completely disagree with the majority of posters saying you are unreasonable.

“ “I work and pay for you and you do nothing for me, then you make me feel guilty for playing golf/football it’s out of order. You walk all over me et”

This is unacceptable. You are raising the children. He is working and opting out of parenting.

I have told my DH in no uncertain terms that golf is a sport for those who have no family obligations or whose family are grown up. He even joked with his friends that golf is banned. It is an outrageously selfish sport and to spend a full day of the weekend at It when he is working long hours all week is not on. He should be spending that time with you and the family.

he says things like “I work and pay for you and you do nothing for me

You mean other than looking after his baby 24/7?

All the posters saying this is your fault for BF etc - in some cases I would agree but in this case I think it’s quite clear your DH would be exactly the same if you FF. He’s not exactly desperate to take the baby off your hands is he?

As a PP said it’s clear he has been influence by the roles played by his own parents. I think you need to have a long, hard discussion and make it clear you expect to have equal free time.

@LovingLola

It’s irrelevant.

What is?

I think DH needs to get more involved in the sleep training. Do you think it’s possible he is quite happy to distance himself, sleep on the sofa and keep out of looking after the baby and that’s why he finds it much easier to go off and enjoy his hobbies? Maybe if he was more involved with the baby it would bring you closer together. If the baby is sleeping more in the cot then he could start sleeping in the bed at night. Maybe he feels a bit of an outsider. (I’m not saying that’s your fault BTW).
How much does he do with the baby otherwise? Do you think they have properly bonded?

PS I have also banned DH from golf, cricket and other lengthy sports while we have young DC other than maybe two or three times a year.

If you've got an 11 month old surely you could go out for a few hours on the Sunday - time it so you leave the house straight after she wakes up from a nap. Surely your DH can feed her something easy and filling like porridge/banana to keep her full, and water from a sippy cup at that age?

I’ve just re-read the op’s other thread about her horrific ex. This man sounds decent and seems to be an active and involved step parent with the older girls. I’d hope once the feed to sleep issue is solved then the op can start to develop her own interests and have some much needed time to herself.

Could you imagine the shit women would get if they behaved like this?
Oh wait, they do. They do however they parent because in society it still seems to always be the mothers fault.
Your partner isn't happy? Your fault.
Your baby isn't sleeping? Your fault.
You partner feels guilty for playing golf? Your fault, you're making him.
Baby doesn't sleep? Your fault.
Still breastfeeding? Your fault
Etc etc
Stop excusing shit men that won't step up and parent.

[quote darrenlacey]@workingfortheclampdown the elder two aren’t biologically his (but their father is utterly feckless so they may as well be).

I think it’s common (in my experience anyway) that dads don’t see how hard it is being at home with a baby day in day out and think they’re the only ones doing ‘work’.[/quote]
You're the one who has trained your baby to be so much hard work. You've created this attachment that is so strong, there's no space for your husband to be involved, no space for you to live a normal adult life, no space for bonding with your husband as a couple.

It's not normal, and it's not healthy. You need to fix it yourself, not try to blame or punish your husband. He must be feeling so lonely.

You are not just a mother, you are also a woman and a wife, and you need to get balance back.

As the above post proves.
Unbelievable

You're also a woman and a wife????
Where is that from the 1950???

My god @darrenlacey whatever you do ignore the absolute rubbish @WitchenKitch is coming out with. Unbelievable!!!

@Aerial2020

You're also a woman and a wife???? Where is that from the 1950???

Don't be a twit.