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Original poster

Resenting DH weekend of sports

101 replies

darrenlacey · 29/08/2020 17:23

Hi, I think im probably BU....just looking to have a bit of a rant really and ask if anyone is in the same boat.

DH has recently started playing golf every weekend, (before this it was years of football) which takes him out of the house for minimum 6 hours on a Saturday or a sunday.

I find myself feeling really resentful when he’s gone.

We have an 11 month old dd and two older dd’s (7 & 11).

Baby is exclusively bf and bedshares with me during naps and through the night. This weekend I am starting to sleep train but she heavily relies on me for sleep at the moment.

She has never had a bottle and refused dummies, so DH has never put her down for a nap or been up with her in the night. He sleeps on the sofa every night (his choice).

He has a very labour intensive job, Leaves at 6am comes home At 5pm. I cook for everyone and clean up after dinner and go to bed with baby. He walks the dog and puts our other dd’s to bed.

I just can’t help but feel - where is my time off? How come he gets to take himself away in the small amount of spare time he has to help me out.

OP posts:
Original poster
darrenlacey · 29/08/2020 22:26

@WitchenKitch Grin your post made me ‘lol’

OP posts:
edwinbear · 29/08/2020 22:27

I’d have ruined his bloody golf by turning up at the golf course and handing the baby over, mid game, in front of his mates. He’d not pull that stunt on me twice.

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 22:27

A twit?
How come?
So not only does a woman have to make sure she has an attachment with her baby she has to make site her husband is kept happy. As her role as a woman and a wife
Is that what you mean?
What about his role as a father?
Does that involve 6 hours of golf? I missed that in the parenting handbook

amillionwishes · 29/08/2020 22:39

I feel for you so much.

Ok so baby is 11m and doesn't actually need milk. The weaning process from you will be harder if he doesn't get involved as she can't smell milk on him and he doesn't have what she needs. He needs to get involved in the process. Have you spoken to him about this? Why is all the "baby" stuff left you you, @darrenlacey?

amillionwishes · 29/08/2020 22:41

I said what she needs I meant what she wants. She doesn't need milk really at this age, on solids. If you could get her to drink it from a sippy cup at bed so he can do bedtime that would help but he needs to be involved!

WitchenKitch · 29/08/2020 22:43

@Aerial2020

A twit? How come? So not only does a woman have to make sure she has an attachment with her baby she has to make site her husband is kept happy. As her role as a woman and a wife Is that what you mean? What about his role as a father? Does that involve 6 hours of golf? I missed that in the parenting handbook
It's not about 'keeping her husband happy', it's about being happy herself in a close, loving, relationship. What does that have to do with the 1950s? What does taking back agency to go to the gym/do hobbies/go on dates/sleep have to do with the 1950s?

Half of Mumsnet posters seem to have this weird view of marriage, where a husband is just some stranger who lives in the same house. Romance? Closeness? Best friend? Team mate? Nah.

OP sounds absolutely miserable being a matyr but only she can make changes.

BlueJava · 29/08/2020 22:47

Why not arrange some time off on your own? Although it sounds like you need to work on the DCs not being so dependent on you. If you can manage it you'll probably feel less resentment.

tenlittlecygnets · 29/08/2020 22:47

Completely selfish. You should both have equal amounts of 'me' time.

He may have a hard job but your job is 24/7.

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 22:48

Yeah that's not really what your last post was saying.
I mentioned the 1950s because it's incredibly sexist and the year is 2020. Yet women are still being blamed.
How is the partner going to play golf helping with their relationship? Why is that the OPs fault?
How is he stepping up?

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 22:51

Apparently caring for your baby and being upset your partner is choosing to play golf rather than parent is being a martyr.
Load of crap
He is choosing to play golf for 6 hours. That's not a few hours time out. That is all day every weekend.
But yeah, that's the mothers fault?

WitchenKitch · 29/08/2020 22:58

@Aerial2020

Yeah that's not really what your last post was saying. I mentioned the 1950s because it's incredibly sexist and the year is 2020. Yet women are still being blamed. How is the partner going to play golf helping with their relationship? Why is that the OPs fault? How is he stepping up?
Yeah, that's exactly what my last post was saying. And it's not "sexist" at all to say don't be a martyr to your children, have a balanced life. I think you're just reading what I'm saying with some kind of chip on your shoulder.
Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 23:02

Half of Mumsnet posters seem to have this weird view of marriage, where a husband is just some stranger who lives in the same house. Romance? Closeness? Best friend? Team mate? Nah

How is the OPs partner creating romance and closeness?

Bekind2020 · 29/08/2020 23:02

I bf my daughter for 6 months exclusively then from 6 months onwards in addition to solids and formula I breastfeed up to 17 months. However what I will say I think you definitely categorically need to break the cycle of nursing to sleep. At 8 months I had enough, I was at breaking point from my daughters hourly night waking. I switched up her routine and introduced a bottle before her bath then let her fall asleep herself. It took 3 nights and since then she now sleeps 7-7 interrupted. Your baby is your baby and it is up to you how you do things but from experience. until you break that cycle you literally won't have any time to yourself. Your DH hasn't got the choice to be involved because your baby is so heavily reliant on you and because you still ebf.. Nobody knows your baby better than you but if you want to introduce a bottle you'll really have to persevere. It took me 6 weeks to finally get my daughter to drink from a bottle.

Bekind2020 · 29/08/2020 23:04

That was meant to say 7-7 uninterrupted! 😂

ZooKeeper19 · 29/08/2020 23:09

@darrenlacey I know every mum and baby are different but I have a hobby that takes out hours each day (if I engage) and my son was out with me the day he was born. So it's all about the people, if you have had a hobby, you can keep it despite a baby.
It is unreasonable to expect your husband not to have a hobby just because you have a baby. What is not unreasonable is to treat his free time as exactly that and engage him at home fully once back. He can cook, clean, wash, take care of the older kids etc. and you can relax as much as possible. But asking someone to give up a hobby just because you feel it is unfair, I think that's not right.

sycamorecottage · 29/08/2020 23:18

he says things like "I work and pay for you and you do nothing for me"

Wait... what??? Cheeky bastard.

You're raising three children and doing all the cooking and housework, and you are on duty 24/7. What else is he expecting you to do for him?

user1487194234 · 30/08/2020 11:40

I would not want to 'ban' my DH from doing anything partly because I think it is controlling but also because I would not like to be banned from anything I wanted to do

Golf doesn't have to take all day
My DH normally starts about 7.30
Plays a round has a bit of lunch and a pint and is home for 1
After which we either have a trip out as a family or I take some time out and have lunch with the girls/go to beauty salon/read my book or whatever I fancy

LionelMessy · 30/08/2020 13:54

If he golfs on Saturday, then you should say you got plans for the Sunday. Meet another mum for coffee and cake, or even take your dog out for a walk yourself for an hour. Sit in a park and read a book for an hour.

I'm a bloke and that is entirely reasonable for you. For your own mental health you need time off.

LilyWater · 30/08/2020 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LilyWater · 30/08/2020 15:03

Completely agree with @WitchenKitch. With majority of posts on mumsnet it is the male partner at fault for not pulling their weight and so many men are terrible in this area. However in this scenario, the OP has an 11 month old she's still treating as a newborn and has chosen a parenting style where she's cultivated the child's behaviour so they only accept care from her and she continues to reinforce it.

Fine, it's the OP's choice to do this, but she then has to accept by shutting out the child's dad, the child's relationship with her own dad, and the partner's relationship with the OP will obviously suffer. Completely nuts to be sitting at home green eyed at your partner going out when you've deliberately chosen to have your 11 month old attached to you like a limpet! Personally, I think it's much healthier for both parents to have their own time to do their own thing, and both to be fully involved in the care of their children but unfortunately the OP's choices have made that difficult. You can sadly see that it could ultimately end in a breakup of the relationship if the OP doesn't rebalance things soon.

Hangingbasketofdoom · 30/08/2020 15:08

Some people are talking as if the dd is 11, not 11 months! Breastfeeding and needing someone to help you fall asleep are completely natural at that age.

Carycy · 30/08/2020 15:17

Every weekend is not acceptable. DH plays golf and probably does one weekend day every couple of month. He also does the odd Friday afternoon but his work allows that flexibility. We have three kids and spend most of our weekend together as a family. He accepts that he chose to have children and spending time together is his priority. Plenty of time for golf when they are grown and he is retired,

Aerial2020 · 30/08/2020 15:55

@LilyWater

Completely agree with *@WitchenKitch*. With majority of posts on mumsnet it is the male partner at fault for not pulling their weight and so many men are terrible in this area. However in this scenario, the OP has an 11 month old she's still treating as a newborn and has chosen a parenting style where she's cultivated the child's behaviour so they only accept care from her and she continues to reinforce it.

Fine, it's the OP's choice to do this, but she then has to accept by shutting out the child's dad, the child's relationship with her own dad, and the partner's relationship with the OP will obviously suffer. Completely nuts to be sitting at home green eyed at your partner going out when you've deliberately chosen to have your 11 month old attached to you like a limpet! Personally, I think it's much healthier for both parents to have their own time to do their own thing, and both to be fully involved in the care of their children but unfortunately the OP's choices have made that difficult. You can sadly see that it could ultimately end in a breakup of the relationship if the OP doesn't rebalance things soon.

Mother blaming again

No one is making him play golf for 6 hours.

I don't think it is him going out that is the problem, it is the every weekend and 6 hours.

Hangingbasketofdoom · 30/08/2020 16:02

If he works Mon-Fri and then is out for one of his two days off, when does he get time to develop the bond with his small child that would allow him to easily be alone with her?!

Ohhiiii · 30/08/2020 16:13

My DP has started golf again recently and he gets up at 6am so he can start at 7, so he is home between 10.30-11am and we have the rest of the day. Doesn't take him 6 hours to get round and he only goes once every 2 weeks! Maybe worth asking your DP to play first thing?